I can not think!
Did the others understand this?
Welcome to "The King Commands".
The programme that may be reminiscent of a bachelorette party, except everyone is sober.
The prize is not a spouse, but a real bust in gold...
of me!
With me I have what you can call a stripper and fiancé.
He teases us, but keeps order. It's you, Olli.
Olli Wermskog!
-Thank you. -It was nothing.
As always we have the participants, who are:
Steinar Sagen!
Ida Fladen!
Amir Asgharnejad!
Einar Tørnquist!
And Solveig Kloppen!
A bouquet!
Shall we see how they're doing after the first programmes?
Einar is at the top, but you are in second place.
-My goal is just to beat Einar Tørnquist. -Mine too.
It has become that way, really.
I'm not trying to win
anything but friends.
-And he does not get it. -And that bust of Atle.
Ida, you dislike most tasks.
Not all of them, I like some. Then I show it too.
What is your dream task, when are you at home?
It's: "Do this fast." And then there is nothing to think about.
It's just, "As soon as possible, come on!"
"You have 90 seconds to enjoy yourself."
No, I don't have to "enjoy"! I like to compete, but not to think.
Here you get the chance for both.
We can't talk to you anymore now. We move straight to the first task.
The first task is a prize task.
The participants have brought something with them in a given category.
The items are placed in a pot, and the winner gets them to share and own.
Then we can get to today's task, Olli.
Bring something a family member has made for you.
Something a family member has made, that's quite touchy.
-It's not sure it's that nice. -Who do you want to start with?
Steinar.
I brought this one.
My five-year-old son made it for me. He was four when he made it,
so I have to apologise for it looking a little awful.
-Has he gotten much better now? -Oh yes.
I seem to recall him saying this is supposed to be a boat.
I do not know what this represents.
-Maybe a father and son fishing? -And sails and masts.
-I think it's the engine. -It could be a mousetrap too?
It would be lucky to catch a mouse.
It must be a stupid mouse.
It's very sweet. I was so happy I almost started crying when I got it.
But it's impossible to display. I hope I do not win today.
-It was nice and touching. -Thanks.
Amir, what do you have?
Yes, it was very cosy for me.
No, that's so nice.
My wife, who is a potter...
Isn't that very unfair?
-She's a potter? -Yes.
I forgot to say that my son is a boat builder.
It's my turn now. And then...
I asked for a chip bowl, because I like chips alone.
So then she made this great bowl with an aubergine.
My mother cooks with aubergines a lot, they're my favourite.
A one-man chip bowl made by a professional?
If we are to be very strict, the quality is better than Steinar's boat.
Now I'll probably lose again...
No, I'm not saying you're losing.
It was not "the finest" made by anyone at home.
-A nice bowl, very beautiful. -That it is.
Einar. What do you have with you?
You have to see it. I have some music, a song.
It is called: "To Einar on Confirmation Day, April 27, 1997."
To the melody of: "Dansen den går ute på måkeskjær".
It should have been to "Tordenskiold and company".
Should have been to "I am the oats" or "Tordenskiold and company".
That is how it is in Lillehammer, but not in Stokke, Vestfold.
-It goes like this... -Could you not?
"The midsummer evening was..."
"I went light out."
"Was cold in 1982"
"In the..."
"For us, it still left lasting traces We had a son and a brother"
"Happy, curious and relieved Look at the newborn directed"
"We wondered who you were Once again we were mother and father"
"Happily we had to call, to quickly convey the news"
"midsummer-boy [a boy born during the nativity of John the Baptist / Midsummer Eve] arrived, son number two"
"He is round and good"
Yes exactly...
Einar, you'll get to take the rest...
It was funny that it took a verse to come to you, the confirmant.
It was a long story before that.
It is very long, there are several pages.
It goes on to say, there are several verses here:
"In 8th grade, you have to learn a lot."
"It takes more than a quarter of an hour to do your homework."
-Fair point. -Some criticism there.
-Who wrote it? -Mum.
-Great thing. Touching, too. -Thank you.
Shall we take Ida?
Then we'll see.
These are earrings.
Those "lumps"?
I have two cats, one black and one gray.
My sister made these earrings from their fur.
I'm allergic!
She looked after my cats, gathered hair, felted it, and gave them to me for Christmas.
-How old is your sister? -Yes.
34.
-I'm rooting for that one. -Impressive.
-And very special. -Do you use them a lot?
-I can not use them. -Why not?
Ok...
-You do not think they are nice? -Oh yes? I do not understand beauty.
And then it's nice that it's...
They are made by three family members, my sister and my closest two.
Oi, oi, oi. Impressive.
-Solveig. -Yes. I...
Hi.
I have brought a Mother's Day card I received from Albert when he was ten years old.
Albert is the neighbour's son? He's yours, yes.
It is a very loving and honest card.
Ok. Can you read it?
"I love you. Kind, wise, salty, nice mom."
"You are so kind."
So you're salty there too?
-I'm more angry than salty. -It's wrong?
It's not entirely accurate.
You must have berated him for that, right?
"If you are going to come up with something negative first, it has to be right."
-How old was he? -Nine or ten.
-It was ten first, now it's less. -Or six.
You go down in age, yes?
-Have you made up your mind? -No, but I can start.
It is difficult.
Amir will get the last place because he has put professionals at work.
He has franchised the system. Very nice bowl.
-Thanks. -But too pretty.
You have to greet your wife and say that.
-It's too pretty. -Lets see...
-The confirmation song comes second last. -I'm going to tell mum.
There was not enough criticism.
I was told that I could be aggressive and angry.
I did not get to go through all the verses.
That comes up a lot in the third verse.
Solveig. You're coming right after. Three points.
That will annoy Albert.
-How do you think my mother feels? -He wants more?
He only gets three.
Ida is number two, and Steinar's boat is unbeatable!
I'm starting to feel like I'm a little tired of everything, Olli.
Oh yes, this soon? Maybe a trip to the cabin will help?
-Hello. -Hi.
We'll see, Olli...
"Build the best cabin indoors."
"You can not destroy anything."
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
-What is the best cabin? -Yes, what is it?
I like views, I can appreciate the electricity and water...
They're high on the list.
I think I'm good at building, I've built cabins for my son.
This is right up my alley.
This must be right up your alley, Steinar!
You built a cabin for your son, are an old scout, and are handy.
What does the gut feeling say?
If I'm handy,
then I'm very excited about their cabins.
Mine did not go exactly as planned.
Shall we take a look at it?
Yes, we can take a look at Steinar, Solveig and Amir.
"Build the best cabin." What is the best cabin?
It is very vague.
The best cabin, let me think...
I get stressed, I notice it.
I'm not destroying anything now. Nothing is destroyed yet.
It went great.
I'm going to build a miniature cabin.
The eagle stands on the mountain top here.
This will be an aesthetically pleasing cabin.
I do not think it will be...
It's not going to be good. I have no plan.
-Are you stressed? -Yes, it's stressful with time.
No, you know what? I'm building a tree house.
How long has it been?
-18 minutes. -No?
I think this is a task for Amir.
Is it Jesus' manger?
It's not Jesus. It is a South African bookstore.
Then we have water for the sea here.
Like that, then I made a cabin indoors.
-Satisfied? -Very.
It's a lot worse than I thought.
And time is up.
Look at that...
This is my cabin.
I had in my head a beautiful little wooden hut.
I have not been able to...
The best cabin... What does Atle Antonsen think is the best cabin?
And this is in miniature.
Think how big it is in reality when Atle enters the cabin.
Twice as big as the bed.
Now it's the best cabin.
I have to ask you, Solveig:
Isn't a liquor bottle twice the size of the bed something everyone wants,
or is it unique to me? -Unique for you.
So I can enjoy 2000 liters of alcohol in the cabin?
Then my family and I will be happy.
It's a cabin you go to alone.
Once you have finished thinking, which takes a lot of time,
you decided on something because you had to. Do you feel that you have saved yourself?
-Yes. -It is important to be positive.
Steinar, you say that you build many cabins for the children.
What are you playing? Refugee camp?
No... I'm dissatisfied.
But it is better than the two who made miniatures, what's that for?
It was in miniature, Amir, but artfully executed.
In what art form did you dabble?
You should stand and contemplate while looking at the cabin.
You should feel calm, like you do in a cabin.
-But Atle drinks most at the cabin. -I did not know.
Most of all. Yes, I drink at the cabin.
2000 liters of alcohol make its way into the gruel.
It's too early to hand out points, but...
-We have more left. -Yes, I hope so.
-We have to see the last two. -Yes, I hope there are more.
Shall we see how Ida and Einar feel at the cabin?
There. A lot of space is important. There must be a world of its own inside.
Not a cabin with a view like when you are an adult.
Yes, no view...
A view. Let's start there.
This will be absolutely perfect.
And maybe a beer. Do we have it?
I'll make a floor for you too.
-Nuts. Are you allergic? -Yes.
-Aren't you too? -Yes.
Do you like sudoku or crossword puzzles best? Like that.
What's this smell, Atle?
Do you know what it smells like in there? It smells like fire.
Now I'm happy. Look, it's absolutely amazing!
Now there's a cat down there too. Now it's absolutely fine.
Are you going to come in? There is room for more in the cabin.
For safety's sake, I go to my floor first.
So you're not surprised if my floor does not work.
-How much do you weigh? -102kg, exactly.
It is a cozy cottage here.
Toast. Nice to have you visit.
This is a cabin, that is!
You did not put coziness first, Einar. You made a coffin.
Two chests, a "bunk". Or some kind of crypt.
It has become modern to have larger cabins with all the luxuries.
Power, coziness... There was plenty of cosiness. There are two floors, Atle!
-It looked nice at the bottom, Olli. -Yes, it was cosy.
Contrasted with Ida who has gone for something outstanding.
-Yes? -Views, cosy...
-You got to put on some music too. -And a bonfire.
-Wasn't there even a cat? -Yes, it was not mine.
-No, but still... -The view was great.
Probably very cold, it looked draughty.
Hello? The fire.
-It blows in carbon monoxide while you sleep. -It's the smell of the cabin.
I notice that you are comparing yourself to Ida and not the other three.
That's OK. It is the first place it is about.
-It's between first and second place? -I promise you that.
You are right.
You get second place, Ida gets first for this one.
The rest, then?
Steinar's refugee camp gets last place.
-Even if it is a social comment. -The miniature cabins were better?
Yes. They actually were.
Three points to Amir and second last place to Solveig.
I see it.
The booze saved you from last place.
Then we can see together.
-After two tasks: -At the top with nine points.
It's very tight at the end of the pack. We will take an ever so small break.
In the next task, the participants must put things in the correct order.
Yes! Yes?
We divide the participants into two categories:
The smart and the stupid.
I am very fond of sorting them. We get the opportunity to do that here.
I have been looking forward to this task for a long time.
Oi! That is lovely, I like this very much.
Oh no...
Not negative now, Fladen.
I just see that here I should be thinking.
Here lies everything. Beef tomato, four-leaf clover...
What is this? And a fir tree?
Fifty kroner and an angel. What is this, then?
-And then a sextant? -That is right.
"Put things in order."
"Time starts now." Are you kidding?
What?
The task is to put the six things in the correct order.
There is only one order that is correct.
I can reveal that it is much more logical
than the order which some participants tried.
We can start with Amir, Solveig and Einar.
Like that. Oi.
Like that. So.
I have sorted it by colour.
Red, green, green-blue, yellow, white-blue.
It is complemented.
Ok... Angel is A. F...
What is it? Microscope. Tree.
Tomato. Tree.
I put in alphabetical order. Angel, fifty kroner, four-leaf clover,
Tomato, tree, and microscope...
Microscope? No, fuck...
I can not... Yes, M comes after T? No, heck.
-Now I said... -Time has stopped.
Great.
I set up four-leaf clover, tomato, wood...
-What order is it? -Alphabetical.
Got it.
I put "one-gel" here. "Two-mato" there.
'Three' over there. Four-leaf clover, fifty kroner, and sextant.
Thank you very much from me, my name is Einar Tørnquist.
That's it, Einar.
Was it nice to finally get on the offensive?
-We do not know if it was right yet. -No.
But I'm revealing it now. That was it, Einar.
-It was quite right. -Five points?
You understood that yourself when you came up with the answer.
There was something about body language.
I am so envious. Wow, Einar!
Goddamn, I know that I didn't do that!
Do you remember that much?
It may not be exactly what you landed on.
But now we have at least categorised two stupid and one smart.
For the team, it's about getting out in the plus or minus.
-Shall we move on? -Yes, we will save Steinar for the end.
Then we check if Ida is smart or stupid.
Ok...
Tree...
I do not know what this is!
Sextant...
I know... I have it!
One-gel.
Two-mato.
'Three'!
Four-leaf clover, fifty kroner, sextant.
Yes! That's how it is.
No matter how the others did it, I did it this quickly.
Huh? Yes.
Yes, I get it, occasionally.
You deserve an applause. You are the proudest person of the day.
That I am. It was really smart.
Not only were you smart, but faster than Einar as well.
Ouch!
It means a lot.
Then we have come to two smart and two stupid.
-Shall we see, then... Let's just say three stupid ones.
-I'm so scared. -It's too early to say. It must be seen.
It could be weight, height, width...
It can be when they are made, when they were invented...
It can be a lot.
-You thought of one? -One order is correct.
Then I think... It weighs 200. It weighs...
It weighs...
She has eyes and can see through it on the tree.
It's a tomato.
Tomato. Sextant.
Four-leaf clover. Is there something with letters? Is it in alphabetical order?
Angel. A, F...
Oh yes. One two three four five six...
I think I've figured it out.
That's my name.
'S money. Three. Engel.
Instrument. S, T, E, I...
NAR..
By height? No, goddamnit.
Then the fiver is the lowest.
Shall we see about the tomato...
It's a little higher than the sextant.
This is my order, Olli. By height.
Angel, tree, tomato, sextant, four-leaf clover and fifty kroner.
Thank you.
Steinar, how many letters does your name have?
Don't even. It's so incredibly awful.
"Now I understand!" I'm so self-absorbed.
"That's my name." It is embarrassing.
But I note two smart, two stupid
and one retard.
I think you're not allowed to say that anymore. Good luck with that.
-Good luck to yourself. -Thanks.
The fastest was Ida, five points. Einar gets four points.
The rest get points for the right items.
Solveig and Amir have two correct, shared third place and three points.
Steinar, that's one point.
It's a little sad, Olli... You're Finnish , aren't you?
-Half Finnish. -From the land of a thousand lakes.
It's sad that you do not have your own boat. I thought something had to be done about it.
I appreciate that.
For more people to have a good time,
the participants must build the boat and you must test the boat.
Yes, because then it can be nice for the rest of us.
It's nice to give back.
I like that you give and give and give and give, Olli!
I remember this well, we can look at it.
Hello Hello.
There it is.
"Build a boat for Olli."
"The boat will be launched in an hour."
"Best boat wins. Time starts now"
-Good luck. -Yes. Where are you going?
-Here. -Me too.
See ya. See ya.
We take a short break and will be back immediately.
The participants get one hour to build a boat, which I test in the pool.
I'll just say, "Ship ahoy!"
Yes. We start with Solveig, Amir and Steinar. Then you can say...
Ship ahoy.
What is a boat?
I've found a toboggan. The boat should be on it.
That's not stupid.
Now we have the boat. Now we'll make it nice.
Now you have to think outside the box, Steinar.
My God, I'm dizzy.
I haven't been this dizzy since the russ celebration [i.e. since I graduated high school]
Like that.
Look at that.
-Decorated and nice. -Everything for you, my friend.
-Do you need help. -No.
Oi, that's the oar. Like that.
I would recommend a low center of gravity. Just lie on your stomach.
-On the stomach out there? -Straight out. There you go.
Ok! A little closer here.
Like that. Are you ready? Then we'll sail to the other side.
Now it's happening!
-Stop! Don't break it. -No.
Yes. Are you sitting well?
Well?
-Are you enjoying yourself now? -Yes, I enjoy myself to the max.
I just have to work on the balance myself.
There's the wind! A royal yacht.
I am pleased.
Like that.
-I think the boat is sinking. -No, you just have to get started.
It's the engine running.
I have a feeling the boat is sinking.
It's the engine.
I had so much faith in it.
It worked.
You destroyed the boat.
Amir, you went for the Titanic approach: deny that it can sink?
I realise now I made it for myself and not Olli, sorry.
-So it was the weight? -Yes.
Steinar was not the only one who thought outside the box.
There were several of us.
You and Solveig made the same type. The difference was that hers worked.
I think Olli is weaker for women than men.
He added goodwill.
"Oi, I fell out."
It was on its way over. Thanks, Olli.
He went more into the role of passenger with her?
Yes, I think so.
We have two sea otters left. Shall we cast off?
-We're casting off. -So we do.
I'm really fond of boats. It must be said.
It's just the construction process...
Ouch!
That hurt.
I do not think it was such a bad idea.
Yes... Doesn't sit too bad either.
Haul topsail, my boys! Heave-ho!
Olli!
Hey Hey. Yes, you spent the whole hour?
-I spent the whole hour... -And we're here?
-Have a nice trip. -Thanks.
It is important to hold it forward, I think it has more weight in the back.
-Are you ready to leave? -Yes, thank you.
Go to Fredrikshavn and fill the quota.
We went straight down, it was shallow.
Haul topsail, my boys! Heave-ho!
It's not a problem, it's steady as a mountain.
It's just getting on.
That's mostly your own fault, that wasn't good enough.
Should I remove the flag?
Yeah, that sounds like a plan, so it doesn't go up somewhere.
-Not so clumsy now. -No no...
Yes very good.
Here I feel... I would like to try it myself
to show how well it can work.
Voila!
Do you see? It works like a bullet.
-How are you going to get out of it? -That's not your problem.
I just have to...
People laughed at Thor Heyerdahl when he made Kon-Tiki.
It can be fully navigable craft.
-I love the boat sounds. -Did I make boat noises?
It was a racing boat.
Do you agree that Olli needs to take some of the blame?
Yes, but also that it took you one hour
to put a snowracer on a floating mattress.
-I lie down flat. -Solveig had efficient use of time.
-I had a flag, that's a little important. -Flags are important for boats.
-I'm not arguing. -No, there's no point.
It was nice not to be an idiot alone.
You will not believe how far that craft can take you.
Einar arrives with a sunken boat.
It was at the bottom.
What do you mean? It was somewhat askew. But it was never under water.
You did two things wrong: it was on the bottom, and it overturned.
It is well done to make it tip over when it is firmly on the bottom.
-I disagree, it was not at the bottom! -I hear your disagreement.
-But we have to endure it. -Points?
Which did you enjoy the most?
I can honestly say it was yours. It is a lie to say I "enjoyed" myself.
But that is where I had the least discomfort, and did not get wet.
We judge by the worst here too. I divide the results in two.
We start with those who made boats that got wet.
The second category is the opposite.
-Einar, you get one point. -That much?
But he was already wet before, did you see the weather? It doesn't matter that there was more water.
No. You just keep talking while I hand out the points.
-Ida, you spent one hour on... -You said it already.
It's a kind of construction. Two points for you.
Amir, if you had invested two percent of your effort on functionality,
you would have won the whole competition. But you only focused on design.
It's like those sofas that look nice, but are crappy to sit on.
Exactly the same mindset. But you get three points for it.
It's between the last two. Steinar, I see you're in shock.
-Yes... -So, two barrels taped together
brings you up to second place. It will be first place for Solveig!
In total so far today the position is this:
Oi, oi, oi. The girls are at the top.
16 points. Ida is about to leave.
Amir is not helpless, there are several points to fight for.
You know how we do it. It's a live competition again.
There is a lot to harvest there. Get on stage.
Yes, we are ready for the final task.
In front of you are marked five courses, we have start lines and finish lines.
You are standing at the starting line... What are you doing, Steinar?
The bell was broken.
You each have your pretty
Kayoba 16" two-wheeled bicycle.
It has a foot brake, handbrake and... had... a bell.
The goal, one would think, would to be the first to reach the finish line. But no.
The last person to finish gets the most points.
If you fall off or put a hand or foot on the ground, you're out.
It's the last person who wins.
Then we start on ready, steady, go...
We're up and running.
It's pretty even so far.
It seems that Einar has a tight lead, that's not good.
-No! -Solveig is out there.
Has anyone crossed? Steinar does it great...
There you are over. There's Ida. It's completely even!
It looks like it's going to be Einar.
Let's add it all up down by the seats.
It was extremely smooth for the four of you.
One, I can see, is disappointed.
-Ja. -Salty.
You got a foot on the ground early. You felt you were in control,
you had no control. -It is strange.
I have the shortest legs, this should have been my task.
Amir's legs are not that long either.
Thanks.
I've seen the finish line in slow motion. I thought you guys should see it.
You can see for yourself how it went.
-It's smooth. -Steinar is over first and then Ida.
So it's Einar who runs away with five points.
The final scores for the programme are like this:
Ida runs away with the victory!
She gets to use the prizes that people have received from their family.
The total score for the season looks like this:
We are back next time with new tasks and points,
but the same lovely participants.
-See you later! -Good bye.
Original Norwegian subtitles by Rolf C. Johannessen (Iyuno-SDI Group)
Mangled English translation by Google Translate. Thanks, big G.
Mangled English translation to somewhat less mangled English by u/Sulimonstrum.
Minor amendments, based largely on gut instinct, by u/TaskmasterMaster.
If you think you can do better, please do!