Just go, go!
This is what I do for work, mum.
Good evening and welcome to Taskmaster!
Once again it's time to rank Finnish entertainers by their abilities –
by having them carry out unreasonable tasks and then judging them arbitrarily.
Great to have you with us. Our four regular contestants –
will be competing for this golden Taskmaster statue for the whole season,
and they are: Jukka Hildén [*Stunt performer, The Dudesons "Finnish Jackass"]
Janne Kataja [*Comedian, magician]
Roni Back [*Youtuber]
and Jenni Poikelus [*Radio & TV personality]
And tonight, competing alongside them
is a sculpturesque man, Mikko Leppilampi! [*Actor]
(Jaakko:) Or Janne Kataja?
And here next to me is the programme's official referee, Pilvi Hämäläinen.
Thank you! And next to me, is the task master of the Taskmaster programme –
Taskmaster Jaakko Saariluoma.
– Thank you, referee Pilvi Hämäläinen. – Thank you, Taskmaster Jaakko Saariluoma.
– Shall we proceed? – We shall.
Let's just remind you of the first task where the first points will also be up for grabs. Could you please elaborate?
Sure. As a prize on every episode, there will be things that the contestants have brought from home.
This time, what you asked them to bring was...
the most important document.
The most important document.
And that's what you've brought, and I have them here on the desk.
Let's start with Jenni's document.
Could you explain what this is?
It's a very important book full of essence. It's my dog notebook, which contains [*Finnish for document is "matter book", her book is "full of THE thing", as in, pure essence]
precise calculations, plans and notes on what's required [*Finnish for document is "matter book", her book is "full of THE thing", as in, pure essence]
so I can get a dog. – It's terrific. Thanks for this, Jenni!
Janne, your most important document is this. Could you tell us what this is?
– It's an Italian income tax card. – So? – So I have a taxpayer status in Italy.
But what do you need this for?
You don't pay taxes in Finland either!
But I also have the Estonian e-citizenship which I don't need either.
– Come on, what do you do with this? – Keep it in my wallet.
– Is this the only card in there? – Well...
My driver's license just came back
I mean no, I don't need that for anything!
(Mikko:) And that's your most important document? – So I thought, until now.
Jukka, you brought this. Could you explain this a bit please?
So it's an IOU between me and Jarppi (from his stuntman group)
I'm the one who owes him. Thought I'd bring it here so the winner could also pay the owed 7 500.
– 7 500? – Yeah and it's in euros too!
– For what? – I can't tell you that.
This looks like the kind of tomfoolery, you know –
that makes you two like the modern Härski Hartikainen and Sörsselssön. [*Dynamic duo from 70s-90s comedy Uuno Turhapuro]
Oh yeah.
Mikko, the document you brought is this. Please tell us about it.
First of all, I'll just say that this was a fiendishly difficult task. It kept me up at night –
thinking what on earth I could bring that I can just pass on.
While moving, my mum had found an essay notebook from fourth grade.
– This is wonderful. I just want to read... – There's no need for that. Let's move on.
This is an essay. Mikko on fourth grade you wrote:
"Frankly, money has turned man insane and selfish."
"It feels like some people had become slaves to money, and that it could dictate them what to do."
(Jukka:) On fourth grade? – Yup
That's pretty tough!
Mikko, you were already a visionary on fourth grade.
Well I wonder what happened to me since? (Jenni:) You became a slave to the money.
– Which car did you come by, by the way? – Oh I see!
– Roni, you brought this. – Yeah. That's a gymnasium philosophy exam – [*Finnish similar to 6th form college / grammar school]
and as you can see, it's a movie analysis. The first mistake was that I spelled it separately. [*Finnish has lots of compound words, one should know when to spell w/ or w/o spaces]
So it didn't start very well.
5 points for the most important document go to Mikko who was ahead of his time.
Really was worth writing!
For the extensive background research, four points to Jenni.
Three points to Roni, two to Jukka, and Janne you get one point.
(Mikko:) Well it is something. – Yeah.
So the winner of this game gets to leave with all the documents –
so remember, they can end up being used for just about anything.
Good, now let's get straight to the first task at the mansion!
Hi.
"Collect the most tears into the given container."
"Person with the most tears collected wins. You have 20 minutes."
"Time starts now."
Well that really took off.
So the task was to collect the most tears into a container.
Good, who's first? First, we've got the foursome: Janne, Mikko, Roni and Jenni.
– Excellent – Huh, now what's with this?
Tears. Now.
This isn't working at all.
Well this room isn't going to bring me to tears is it. Let's go to the kitchen.
Oh, an onion!
I wonder if there's any onion here? [*She twists the word playfully]
– Could they be someone else's tears as well? – Yes.
This is what I do for work, mum!
Come on!
No way!
Could I hit you? If you'd start crying...
Hey, why are there no knives in here?
– Do you always cry when you chop onions? – I don't know. I don't chop onions.
I order my food online!
They're not going to fall anywhere else except my cheeks, are they?
Oh! Incoming...
– Did you get a couple from me? – Yes, two.
– Black tear – So it was!
– There's another one as well – Oh?
– More coming. There's already two there. – There is? Love it.
I didn't come here to lose!
They're teardrop shaped...
The first one is in
I call these theatrical tears
Time's up!
There's one
How do I get that from there?
– You see that? It's right there, falling... – And time.
Mikko, you seemed quite moved there at the end. Is everything okay now?
Yes, alright now. I was just thinking that Jukka Hildén would really succeed at this –
It doesn't even matter what programme it is, lately he's just wailing in every single show!
Janne what were you doing in the beginning? I just had no idea of what you were doing.
Wh- Where?
Did you just lose your short-term memory? We just saw a video in which you were featured.
Is the bald, fat man me?
I thought we must be related, there was something familiar there
Now I no longer remember what I did. My memory is this bad! But I was trying to cry.
But I'm tough you know, I can just well up whenever at work. Seriously!
(Jaakko:) So you weren't at work just now? – The problem was performance pressure.
Maybe the pay wasn't good enough or something. Just didn't feel like crying.
– A poorly pair job would surely make me cry more than a well paid one! – I only cry for money.
Janne managed to squeeze out seven tears –
Roni got 9, Jenni 13.
Mikko had the cup almost full, but it contained quite a bit of other stuff too, so...
Even a chandelier crystal took a dip at some point, and...
There was quite a bit of eyedrops
But we carried out precise lab tests, and –
Among all the other tackle there were tears –
– Nine of them. – Oh!
– Jenni, you took the lead at this point. – Yes.
But Mikko said Jukka would be just the man to deal with this. We'll see it after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster. Before the break we saw Janne, Roni, Mikko and Jenni –
shed some tears because the task was to collect as many of them as possible.
We're yet to see Jukka's performance and I'm really looking forward to this because –
I can't remember a single TV-show where Jukka hadn't shed tears yet.
– And Jukka's performance is ready and waiting so we can check it out right away. – Brilliant.
"Time starts now."
– Can I pop into the kitchen? – You can.
I'm not an actor, you see.
Terrible task.
Not one fucking tear
(Pilvi:) Two.
There's one flowing
I've been missing my children so much when I was on the other side of the world and...
Now I'm here, and I can't put them to bed or spend time with them
It's truly awful
Phew. Well I got that one out of my system.
Exhausting. There's tears among there.
Phew!
Aww. Was this a breakthrough for us?
(Jenni:) Oh, Jukka!
(Mikko:) Brother.
– You'll get some more of these tears. – The time is already up, but great job.
I'm such a psychopath, I'll just do everything.
I'm surprised that it wasn't my eyeball in that cup.
I think it did pay a visit. It popped by to check on the tear count.
What do you think of this now that you saw it?
Well, initially I thought over all these lemons and stuff –
but the best tears came from my own head, from memories. Started flowing out heavily right away.
I was a bit worried there, but more so about you, Pilvi. Are you alright?
Well I may have let my guard down a little but, won't happen again, it was a big mistake.
What was Jukka's result?
Well there was a similar issue with judging, as in Mikko's case –
There was all other sorts of pap included in the cup than just tears.
Before the lab tests Jukka's result was 46 tears. – Whoa.
However, when the contents were analysed –
out of them –
only 23 can be accepted.
(Janne:) Great!
23, it is the best score after all, so five points to you.
Jenni four points, Roni and Mikko three points –
and Janne two points.
I'm not gonna cry, even though it didn't go well.
Pilvi.
– Pilivi. – What is it Jaska? [*Both twisting each other's names playfully]
How's the overall status of the scores?
The status is such that, the leading position is shared –
by two contestants. And they are...
Jenni ja Mikko.
(Jaakko:) Oh wow!
The contest is tight. So let's go to the mansion and check out the next task.
Hello! So what's up today?
This sort of thing...
and off to read.
"Get these five gym balls inside the goal area, indicated by an orange rope."
"The balls must be in the goal area. Fastest wins."
"Time starts now."
So the task was to get five gym balls –
into a goal area indicated by an orange rope.
And whose performances do we have the joy of watching first?
First, let's see how Jenni and Roni did.
Time starts now. What's a goal area?
Where's the goal area?
Somewhere.. over there. I'll go and see.
Hey, there's an area of some kind here.
Nooo how is this so small? They're not gonna stay inside of this!
Nooo... How do I get them to stay up here?
(Roni mumbles:) Oh Christ... Sorry.
This is how an old footballer does it.
No, no, no, no!
(Jenni:) Why they have to be these... strenuous tasks?
No, don't go!
Time.
Jenni, you made a remark that these tasks are rather strenuous.
Would it have been nicer to count how many balls there are at the bottom of a hill, or?
– I would've liked that more. – How would have that gone?
I would've counted quickly.
Quicker than running up that hill.
– Roni, do you think that Huuhkajat [*Finnish national football team] is missing out on you? – I play with five balls, they play with one. Doesn't that...
Maybe that's why they play over there and you play over here. But what were the scores?
Jenni's ball transportation and settling to the goal area took 3 minutes and 6 seconds.
– Okay. (Janne:) That's a decent time
– Roni on the other hand... – Not just a pretty face.
Roni made it through the task in...
2 minutes, 44 seconds.
– I was reading that paper for two minutes. – So Roni, you took the lead again.
– I wouldn't say again, but yeah. – Well I recall that you used to have it once –
not in this production, but.. – It was some other one!
But we still have Jukka, Janne and Mikko to see. But before we do, let's get some rest.
Welcome back! Before the break we saw how –
Roni and Jenni tried to transport 5 gym balls into a goal area in a tough place.
We still haven't seen 3 of the performances. Who are next?
Let's see how Janne and Jukka coped.
(Mikko:) Why am I gonna be the last one?
...starts, now!
Okay. Um... So, um...
I'll take just one first. Oh there it is.
Uhh, genius!
You're allowed to use your head, right?
So uh... this, inside?
Uhhh.
You don't go exercising up the hill with these do you.
I'll try with this first.
What are you doing!?
(Panting:) There you go.
And off we go.
Watch out!
Time!
– There you go. – Thank you.
Smell that. Awful smell.
No way, I didn't even think of that!
Janne. Hey, Janne.
You took the ball up first so why did you bring it down again?
Uh, um... Have I mentioned my poor short-term memory?
I had already forgotten about the instructions at that point.
– But you did know where you were. – Well, here and there. [*So-so]
There was something a little fishy about this. [*Fig. of speech, literally "to smell something burning"]
And it wasn't that little, it really was a prolonged stench in your nose. The fragrance really lingered up there.
– Pilvi probably remembers it too. – I do.
– So what was the scent? – The scent of bum.
But whose bum? So that's Pilvi's own personal business.
Why did you make her smell your fingers? That's what I don't understand.
Yeah, do tell, why did you ask Pilvi to smell your fingers?
Well I've heard stories of Pilvi, that she's into it.
You're mistaking me for that football coach.
True!
Right. Pilvi, what were the scores for Janne and Jukka?
Before their performances, Roni was in the lead, with his time 2:44.
Janne did actually consume quite a bit of time fetching the gas lighter –
and the axe and stuff, so –
unfortunately Janne got beaten by Roni. Janne's time is 3 minutes and 51 seconds.
– Yeah. – I accept this.
But, Jukka, what about him then...
Jukka made it through the whole operation in...
2 minutes and 27 seconds, so you take the lead!
– Oh wow! – I was so certain...
Don't go punching the air just yet, we still haven't seen how Mikko did.
– Shall we watch it? – Watch it, we shall.
Inside the goal area...
Oh right, this started already!
There it is!
Let's do it like this...
(Panting:) Let's see, if I could get them from here...
Time.
– Gruesome... – Mikko, nice reasoning –
but was it done fast enough, do you think? – Well surely it was done in under 2 minutes.
– You think so? – Actually I can't remember, really.
(Jukka:) Some mistake, time penalty! – For what?
Just for his general being.
– I don't... – Let's check, Pilvi, what was Mikko's time?
Mikko's time was...
1 minute and 27 seconds, so Mikko was the fastest of all.
– Impressive performance – Congratulations Mikko! - Thank you.
Using common sense is allowed, just as a tip for the others.
Mikko gets five points, and the others according to their times.
– Mikko got the full score from this one. – Thank you. But it's no good celebrating just yet.
You can really tell that Mikko keeps his focus to the very end. He says not yet, not just yet, there's still things to do...
So right away, we're going back to the mansion and check out the next task.
Hello!
"Roll this pea..."
"...this pea, along this carpet for the longest distance."
"The rolling must start from behind the red ribbon..."
"...and the pea must remain on the carpet when you're finished."
"The longest distance rolled wins. You have 15 minutes."
"Time starts now."
So the contestants had to make a pea roll on the red carpet for the longest distance.
It's hard to imagine that anything could go wrong here.
Really hard, whom do we have the joy of watching first? – Let's watch Jenni and Roni first.
Every time! Oh no!
How do I, like, make it go further?
But that carpet isn't going to be anywhere near long enough! I can make it go all the way to the road.
Keep the pea there, don't move.
If I like, put these together...
What am I doing?
Why did I tape that heavy plank to the end?
It's the pea's own little train.
No no no not that way! This way!
I'm running out of plank.
I can't get it to go further now.
Okay. Are you ready?
Have a nice trip, pea!
– Oh look! – Oh look at that!
Wow. I'm speechless.
Pilvi, what were the results?
Roni used that stick and managed to poke –
the pea, making it roll for 7 meters and 26 centimeters.
And on this magnificent vehicle, Jenni made the pea travel –
9 meters and 32 centimeters. – Wow.
Jenni, I just have one question for you, just to clarify.
If you're pedaling a bike, do you call it rolling?
Yes, in that scenario you do roll me forwards, as I pedal.
– That wasn't even close to rolling, Jenni. – What?
That gets you zero points. But, I appreciate the fact –
that you built wheels on both, top and bottom side of the vehicle.
If it flipped over, it would just keep going.
I wondered what would happen if it ...
It was "peamobile".
– What? – Peamobile.
And could you just explain to everyone what peamobile is.
It's a pea mobile.
Ah right, a pea. Let's meditate on it for a while but now, let's take a break.
Welcome back! Before the break we witnessed –
how Jenni and Roni tried to poke, and slide a pea on a red carpet. [*poke = sexual reference]
Next, we'll see a pea show by Jukka and Janne.
"Time starts now."
Roll? So you can't just throw it.
Isn't this how it goes?
This is where you start the measurement, isn't it.
Well I'm just gonna do one roll now.
Oh damn, it rolled off.
I should get it to be more gutter-like.
I got quite far out over here if you measure it from there. I can bring this back.
You'll see. And then...
I'll somersault over there.
Let's have another go.
This isn't helping at all!
Come on. But it does roll. I'm making it roll all the time.
Don't you dare to leave. Don't.
Yes! There, you see.
(Pilvi:) Fifteen seconds.
Here it is!
I'll just leave it there. I'm too close now. There you go.
– Time. – Yay! Woo!
That was a good one! You turned it into a gutter.
Congratulations! You were already slightly outside of the box, in terms of thinking.
What were the results of these gentlemen?
Janne's carpet gutter made the pea roll for 10 meters and 42 centimeters.
And Jukka's first attempt was 32 centimeters.
But then Jukka put the pea into his mouth and somersaulted along the carpet –
for the entire length of the carpet, but did the pea roll on the carpet or not –
that's your decision. – Indeed, that's my decision. It's a bit like wondering –
if the pea rolls along the carpet and nobody sees it, does it make a sound?
So I'm not going down that rabbit hole. Somersaults don't count!
Mr. Taskmaster, I also used my tongue to roll it inside my mouth. So in principle, I want double score.
So it rolled inside your mouth for a distance of about two centimeters?
But could you call Jukka's tongue a red carpet?
Let's just say that it's just as brown as a red carpet after a gala night.
We still have Mikko's performance remaining. (Pilvi:) Yes. Let's watch it.
"Time starts now."
In a way...
If I'm really cheeky and clever now –
then this is where it starts.
Like this.
And then you roll it. Roll it...
Oh right, you're allowed to use some common sense too. – Bam bam bam.
Maybe this attempt just gets rejected, but this is my solution.
– Well then. That was your performance. – This time.
– Thank you. – Thank you.
At this point I just have to say that Mikko has given these tasks –
a different, I would say, a smarter approach.
I don't want to mention any names, but Mikko's attempts –
make the others look rather clumsy.
– What was Mikko's result? – The result was 24 meters and 90 centimeters –
and Mikko's attempt started according to the instructions, from behind the red ribbon.
(Jenni:) Insane. – Brilliant solution, five points for that.
Janne four, Roni three –
Jukka two, and Jenni gets... You'll just get the one. For trying hard.
Thanks.
(Jenni:) Peamobile! (Mikko:) That term really came to stay now.
(Jenni:) One point peamobile. – It was going to go with zero points but –
I decided to give one for this so-called peamobile.
Now, Pilvi, how are the total scores?
Now it seems that before the final task, Mikko is in the lead.
Dear friends, it's time for the final task. Brace yourselves.
Mikko, will you please go ahead and read the task aloud.
"Each contestant is given a category, and 10 seconds -
to list things that belong to this category."
"However, before they get their categories, the contestants must guess –
how many correct answers they're going to get."
"Whoever guesses the highest number correctly wins."
Write down your guesses.
(Pilvi:) As numbers, that is.
Good, let's start with Janne.
– Janne what's your number? – Eight.
Eight.
– And the time starts... – Wait.
Janne, you have 10 seconds.
And the time starts when I name the category.
– Are you ready? – I am.
– Musical instruments. – Guitar, drums, tuba, flute...
Violin, recorder, banjo...
Keyboard instruments, aaaand...
(Pilvi:) Time! – How many did I get?
– We'll know that in a moment. (Jenni:) How exciting!
We'll check it from the video but the attempt was pretty good. Mikko.
Eight!
Eight. So the time starts, ten seconds –
when I name the category.
Mikko, the category is 'animals'.
Dog, cat, lion, tiger...
leopard, bird, fish...
cow, cal.... ox, veal, ladybird... (Pilvi:) Time!
(Pilvi:) Cow, calf, bull.
Cow, calf, bull and even a ladybird.
Really had to drag my relatives into this as well. [*Finn slang: "calf"=snitch, "bull"=stud]
– I mean what's happening to your brain there? – Indeed.
We'll see that in a moment. I'll give a task to Roni. You ready?
– Show me your number. – I wrote down the same one that I got from the philosophy [course?]
(Mikko:) Wow! (Jaakko:) Ten.
Ten seconds. That's one word per second.
Your category is, 'items of clothing'.
Shoes, trousers, socks, shirt...
What is this thing anyway? Sunglasses. I said socks. Gloves.
Beanie...
– Time! – College shirt!!!
(Jenni laughs:) What? What? "What is this thing anyway?"
I don't know where I just went.
(Jenni:) "What is this thing anyway?"
– It's my first time on TV, I was clothed. – "What is this thing anyway?"
That was a charming performance.
At least we now know that Roni isn't wearing any underwear.
Oh come on, did you see that from somewhere?
(Jaakko:) Jukka, eight. – Yeah.
Jukka your category, and that's when the time starts, is...
'Sports'. – Baseball, wrestling, boxing...
Kickboxing, running, ice hockey, football, basketball.
– That's enough. – Time.
(Roni:) And there was some extra time left.
Jenni, show me your number.
Six.
Well, let's just get through this anyway.
I'm going to do an exception, and allow you to change your number.
Nine.
– Alright. – Good luck, Jenni!
–It's a nine. Nine? – Yeah.
Time starts when I name your category. Your category is...
'Car brands'. Volvo, Saab, Lada...
Umm, Mersu [*Mercedes-Benz], aaah, Tesla...
Aaah! Ooommm... Huuurr, Toyota. Huuurrr... (Pilvi:) Time.
I got six!
– Huuuurrrr... Hyundai! – It was coming!
Great performances, dear friends!
Pilvi, which one of them succeeded best?
The people who managed to deliver the highest guessed numbers were...
Mikko, Janne, Jukka.
(Roni:) Good for you.
The scores are: you all get five points, Roni and Jenni, you didn't succeed so you get zero points.
But now we still haven't figured out who won tonight's episode and got the highest score.
After all the tasks, the most points were accumulated by...
Mikko.
(Jaakko:) Mikko, Congratulations! You can go and caress the important documents that you've redeemed.
Many thanks to all of our contestants, and most of all thanks to the audiences at home.
This was Taskmaster.