(Minka:) I'll try this first.
This might be a complete flop now.
Parkour!
Are you serious?
Good evening. I'm Jaakko Saariluoma, and this is Taskmaster. Welcome.
Right, dear viewers, it's time to rank entertainers —
by their mastery, playfully but completely seriously, —
and to measure their true worth in points.
Our regular contestants are Miika Nousiainen, — [*Novelist, journalist, screenwriter]
Kiti Kokkonen, — [*Actress, voice actor, writer]
Aku Hirviniemi — [*Stage, screen, and sketch actor]
Minka Kuustonen — [*Stage and screen actress]
and today competing with them is the always wonderful, charming and quick-witted Maria Veitola. [*Radio/TV journalist, talk show host]
(Jaakko:) Welcome.
And here next to me, sitting at her own small desk is a person —
who supervises the contestants' performances in the field, while I have more important things to do.
She's the programme's official judge Pilvi Hämäläinen.
A very good evening to you all.
I must admit that when I've been supervising the tasks, especially in a bit of rain, I've often thought to myself, —
wouldn't it be nice if taskmaster Saariluoma himself were here too.
You know, I often think about the exact same thing. — Really?
Yeah but then I switch on the sauna, get a comfier position in the armchair, and think up even harder tasks for the contestants. — Right.
Which takes us to the point. Now is the time to find out —
what we'll be competing for tonight. And as we do, the first round of points is up for grabs.
Pilvi. Could you illuminate the matter?
With loyalty to tradition, the prizes come from the contestants' homes.
And this time, the thing you asked them to bring was —
the most inappropriate wedding garment.
— Oh, did I now? — Yes. — Let's start with Miika. Miika, what did you bring?
Well, I've always had this one principle in life.
Whatever the occasion, I always do as the occasion demands:
I wear a camouflage suit for situations requiring camouflage, a diving suit when going diving,
and a wedding suit to a wedding. Like so. [*In Finnish, the term 'wedding suit' refers to the classic wedding gown]
And... And um.. And then the petty brides always bleat —
that I'm drawing all the attention, all of it, and that this is their big day.
(Miika:) And I mean I couldn't pick a more apt way to dress for a wedding.
But in my opinion it's fitting, while others find it unfitting. That's why the choice.
Thank you Miika. Kiti, what did you bring?
I can't speak 'cause you look so happy there. A happy bride!
Yeah, so, I brought 3D glasses. — (Jaakko:) Excuse me? — 3D glasses.
(Laughter.)
Kiti, I have to ask —
I asked you to bring the most inappropriate wedding garment, so why did you bring 3D glasses?
Well I think it's a really ill-suited accessory somehow.
But weddings are three-dimensional aren't they. Which makes them fit the occasion pretty damn well.
(Jaakko:) What sort of weddings have you been going to? — Two-dimensional ones.
Aku, what did you bring? — I brought some headwear.
It's an American cowboy hat and um, it's...
(Aku:) I wore it as I got married in Vegas.
Who did you marry? — Someone called Elly.
Are you still married? — Ummm... As far as I understand, yeah.
So um... but... I mean I'm not sure.
So you would've rather married while wearing a different hat? — I would've preferred to wear one of those Finland cowboy hats.
(Aku:) But Elly wanted this one because she's a republican.
And that's why our marriage foundered, because I was a democrat.
That's how it goes.
— Maria. — Yeah. — What did you bring?
Well I also brought headwear. It's my, sort of, hat of mirth.
(Maria:) And um, you can put beverage cans into those holders.
So in a way it's an absolutely classic when it comes to hats —
and the straw reaches out all the way here.
So I have worn that in many places, but never at a wedding —
and I've thought that somehow it might feel a bit, just a bit tasteless or inappropriate —
to go to the church or something, into the third row and guzzle —
as the ceremony is happening. Just hoover up cosmopolitans before noon.
Thank you, Maria.
(Miika:) That too is cultural appropriation. — Yup.
Minka, what inappropriate wedding garment did you bring?
I brought my amazing Jussi gala* dress from 2016. [*Finland's premier film industry award] — Oh wow!
(Minka:) And as you can see, it's red.
(Minka:) And I wore this after the Jussi gala, to my second cousin's wedding.
And during that evening I learned that —
if um, if any guest wears red to the wedding —
it signifies that you've had, or still have some goings-on with the groom.
— Well did you? — Um, before asking questions like that, Minka, I'll have to ask, was the groom your second cousin?
That's the thing. He was.
— Sounds just like Lieksa.* [*The small village where Pilvi comes from.] — I know!
Let's not get into it any more than that. — Let's not. Well that was my evening, I snuck out rather stealthily.
Right. Great! Now's the time to score these and I'll do it as follows:
Minka...
...five points — Yes!
Aku four points, Maria three points, —
Kiti two points and Miika one point.
No one believed that story.
— I did. — (Minka:) I think it was lovely.
There you have it. The game is on now, and remember: Tonight's winner gets to take all these wonderful garments home.
And the contestant to accumulate the highest score by the end of the season —
gets the best item of all, the golden Taskmaster statue.
And now is the time to really get started with the competition, and go to the mansion.
Morrison.* Oh we've got familiar faces here. [*A play on "moro", meaning "hello".]
"Make the highest splash."
"The highest splash wins."
"You have 15 minutes. Time starts now."
So the objective was to make —
the highest possible splash. — Well that sounds very simple, but —
if the earlier suggestions are anything to go by, simple it was not.
Well you could say that, but let's see how Aku, Kiti and Miika —
approached this splashing task.
— A splash is done with water. — I wonder what's the thing to splash, it's water isn't it.
I mean you've got to have the thing that dispenses... the watering thing.
Is there a tap anywhere?
Or is a splash where like, something just like, drops, and the water's forced to shift from its way —
or is it spraying if you squirt with a hose? [*These particular words for "splash" and "squirt" appear similar, having just one different letter.] — Hmm.
(Miika:) Measure this!
One meter twenty.
And I'll go over there, up here, because the Earth's attraction* kicks in again if I were to do it from... [*She means gravity, but...]
At least 10 meters.
(Kiti:) This might be a complete flop now.
Oh, hang on. It's going pretty far.
The highest splash. I don't know, how do you define a high splash?
(Yells.) Aaah!
Oh no, no!
It went a bit- sorry! This just got dangerous now.
I'll throw it into the water this time.
Pretty high.
Right, there.
(Miika:) And now my shoelaces are undone.
(Kiti:) That was the furthest reaching squirt.
There...
— 30 seconds left. — This one has to hit.
Is referee Pilvi ready —
for the highest splash?
I've never given you anything, so here you go.
But the splash was quite high. Let's get back to the studio.
Thank you.
So what's the deal, did you ever find out, like, —
the difference between a splash and a squirt?
As I understood it, doing it with a hose is a squirt, while water that's like, moving out of the way, is a splash.
(Pilvi:) Where did you get that from? — Well... A wise person just knows.
Kiti. Did it ever occur to you to it had to go as high as possible, not as far out as possible?
I think it did, at the point where I went upstairs to hurl it out of the window.
But I mean, I think squirting is like, if you do this, it's "stop squirting!"
But if a car drives across a puddle, then it's like "motherfucker just splashed on me."
— So that's the difference. (Miika:) Listen to that. Hear her up. — I bet they're all wrong now.
(Aku:) Which one was it in the task, again? — I don't remember. — (Jaakko:) It was a splash.
(Kiti:) Right, so I bet all of my attempts are disqualified.
Pilvi, what kind of results did they get?
Miika's result... Destroying the bucket was completely unnecessary —
because Miika's highest splash happened on the waterfront when throwing rocks.
And the highest splash was 2,1 meters.
Didn't I say two meters?
For the performances of Kiti and Aku however, we need to determine some kind of course of conduct.
So I assume that the height of a splash is measured from starting point to highest point, rather than from the ground to the highest point.
That's exactly right, because otherwise a high jumper could also just jump from ground level, into a pit. And then it would get measured from there, so um...
But it's not a splash is it, when a high jumper jumps.
Kiti, it was a metaphor. I'll explain you later, what a metaphor means. — ...Means. I do know.
Kiti's result is 1,5 meters.
(Miika) Your own height. — My own height. Yeah. Pretty good.
And after clarifying the course of conduct, Aku's result is —
30 centimeters.
A 30 centimeter splash, and a broken flagpole.
Do you have anything to say to the owner of the flagpole? Who's probably someone's grandfather.
You also had your own length. [*Finnish literally say "length" to also refer to a person's height]
Thanks, Kiti. Saved. 30 centimeters, I also had my own length.
Nothing more to add. — (Jaakko:) Thank you.
We've still got some splashes to see, but at this point we'll go for a little break.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster. Before the break, we saw —
how the contestants tried to make as high splashes as they could.
Who's splashing next?
We still haven't seen Maria or Minka splashing, so we'll watch them now.
If I get onto the roof, is it like, exceptionally high then?
Well, I'll have to find something that could even be used to make a splash.
Splash as high as possible.
I'm just trying to think like, what else you could use for splashing.
I can only think of all sorts of disgusting things.
(Pilvi:) What are you planning to do with that leaf blower? — Well, if I could like, use it to splash some more.
You know, water, I've got this idea that I'll throw water somehow, maybe with a hose, and then you use the leaf blower to shoot it even higher.
What type of splashes? Should I go over there... to try?
(Maria:) I mean Jesus christ.
Are you serious?
Let's see what happens. Probably something terrible.
Nothing's happening at this end.
(Maria:) Why is it not turning?
So it won't turn. What about a fire extinguisher?
Does it make any kind of splash?
I'll just try out a few different ones, but that was the highest one so far.
Can I make a splash with a fire extinguisher?
Anything that isn't forbidden, is allowed.
Whoa!
— Is it a splash? — Well I don't know if it's a splash, if it's this sort of... dust.
Would you like me to try out some other splash?
(Coughing.)
Maybe yes.
That may have even splashed higher.
Oh, now it's... It's on! It's on!
Whooooa!
Have you seen a splash as high as that?
This is more than enough.
So this was your shot? — That's it.
Thank you, Minka. — Thank you.
Pilvi.... Pilvi, before we get to the results...
You went all the way to spin around under this rain, so did you forget about your job just there?
Of course not. Right! Minka made the highest splash from the window.
(Pilvi:) And according to the policy that we established earlier, —
the result is measured from the watering can's spout to the highest-reaching point of the water, —
(Pilvi:) making Minka's result 1,6 meters.
(Pilvi:) Maria on the other hand managed to make the water from the hose reach very high indeed —
but does it count as a splash?
Right, the thing is that —
there's quite a few schools of splashing, and um... — No!
In terms of splashes, I, myself, am of the school where —
as the water leaves the end of the hose and reaches the apex, —
before it turns into a stable jet, that's what counts as a splash. — Right.
So by this definition, what was Maria's result?
Well in that case Maria's result was —
4,8 meters — No way!
It's a winner.
(Jaakko:) Congratulations.
Five points to Maria, for the highest splash. — Yay! — Go Maria!
And everyone else's scores, according to their ranking.
Pilvi, how's the scoreboard at the moment?
In the lead at the moment...
Maria and Minka.
I'd really like to see some more tasks right now. Let's get back to the mansion! — Let's.
I'm always nervous to arrive. 'Cause you never know what you're going to be faced with. That's the thing.
If I knew what to expect, turning up would be so easy. — Hmm.
"Place a camera into an environment of your choosing —
and camouflage yourself in a way that allows you to monitor the environment."
"So that the taskmaster would have the hardest time trying to spot you from the picture."
"The cleverest camouflage wins."
"You have 15 minutes." — "Time starts now."
So they had to place the camera into a location of their choosing —
and camouflage themselves so that the taskmaster would have the hardest time finding them from the photo.
— This is great. — However, the contestants had to maintain the ability to monitor their surroundings while in their hideout.
Right, who's first?
First, let's see how everyone prepared for their attempts. — Ah. Okay.
Oh Jaakko is going to have such a great time.
It would be great if there were some stony ground, and my head would just be one of the stones —
and you'd even get Pirkko Saisio* to be next to it. [*Author/actress/director with short grey hair and chiseled features]
Pirkko isn't going to come from Kruunuhaka [*part of town] in 15 minutes. But um... [*Author/actress/director with short grey hair and chiseled features]
I'll think of something else.
I'll try this first.
How can you fit in there?
I can't quite fit in. — I wonder if I'd be allowed to dig a hole?
(Maria:) This is so difficult.
Maybe... Maybe we'll just forget about this.
Okay let's go and do the...
Wouldn't that flowering bush be a great match for me in these colours? — Oh yeah, your colours. — Yeah.
Can you look at me and say how visible I am from here? If I get in.
I'll take a spade just in case.
Where are you planning to blend in with that garden hose? — Well you know, nature! Nature...
I'm trying to go for like, the most natural and nature-coloured stuff.
(Pilvi:) Well, I can actually see you now. — Bugger!
(Miika:) I couldn't see you there.
Before moving on, I'll just have to address one thing.
Because Aku is getting one negative point —
for destroying a categorically rare collectible.
Do you have any explanation for this matter?
(Jaakko:) Thanks, that's enough.
Aku, we'll be watching you. — I understand.
— Right then. — So, in a moment, there's going to be a picture, and the taskmaster tries to guess —
where the contestant in it is hiding.
The contestant gets a point for every wrong guess.
— Who's first? — Let's start with Aku's picture. And here it comes.
Well of course.
(Jaakko:) Ah... hum.
(Jaakko:) Uhh... In the bush. There, in the front area of this flower bush.
That's correct.
Busted!
And next one is Minka. Here is Minka's picture.
(Jaakko:) I'm going to guess... in the oven.
— Correct. — How can you just guess that?
Wohoo!
I think I was pretty clever. — Well, you thought you were clever.
— But... — You just deduced it. You didn't see me. — ...Minka gets no points. No wrong guesses there.
(Jaakko:) Then, the next picture.
Or, should we go for a little break before that?
Wait, I'll just think about it for a moment.
We've seen two photos now, at this point we might as well go for a little break.
Good idea.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, I managed to find two contestants hiding in the photographs.
Let's see how well the others have camouflaged themselves.
And the next one is Miika. And here comes his picture.
(Jaakko:) Right, I wonder where a sort of uh.... —
dem-leaning author such as yourself might hide?
(Jaakko:) The photo is taken from quite a distance so um... And the cellar door is open, so —
(Jaakko:) You're at the very back of the cellar. — Wrong.
Point.
(Jaakko:) Hey, you must be up there, in the top window of the house in the background.
— Wrong. — Two points.
(Jaakko:) Pick the most obvious one that is being offered so clearly. You're in that gravel box.* [*Gravel to make icy ground safer in the winter.]
Correct.
So Miika scored two wrong guesses.
He definitely didn't guess. Definitely just thought that I was behind that tree.
— Who's next? — (Pilvi:) Next, it's Kiti's turn. And here is her picture.
(Miika:) Oh wow!
(Minka:) No way. (Jaakko): Oh my. — (Miika:) I see nothing.
(Jaakko:) Presumably I'll have to be quite specific about where exactly in the picture she is.
(Jaakko:) And she's on the lookout, continuously? — (Kiti:) Yes.
(Jaakko:) Might Kokkonen be... — Professor Kokkonen.
Sorry, might professor Kokkonen...
Might professor Kokkonen be so clever, that she'd be in that bin?
— Wrong. — I wouldn't fit in there, would I!
(Jaakko:) Well well, I wonder if she might've walked that path to go behind that bush on the right?
Wrong.
Well, she's got to be in some bush doesn't she.
(Jaakko:) What's that tent thing in the middle? In the bush in the middle.
Wrong. — (Aku:) Well done.
Well, in that case she's on the left side of that dark area in that bush.
Wrong.
Then she's on the right side of that dark area in that bush.
Correct.
And Kiti scored four wrong guesses.
A-ha!
Pretty good, right?
— Nice one. — Yeah. Thanks. — Who's left? — There's still one person left.
Here comes Maria's picture.
(Kiti:) Fun idea!
(Jaakko:) Well well. Umm...
(Jaakko:) You've got those geezers. You've got... You can survey from the cargo hold, can't you.
(Jaakko:) I'm gonna guess that she's beyond that furthermost cargo window that's on the dock.
That's where Maria is on a stakeout. — Wrong.
(Jaakko:) Aah. It's a trick. She's in that boat on the left, in those round windows.
Wrong.
Look, Maria. I wish I could give minus points, —
if you're back there in plain sight, in the middle of the picture, back there on the main deck.
Are you over there? Is it Maria?
It is Maria.
— Pretty good! — And Maria scored two wrong guesses.
Yay!
Wasn't that pretty good?
— Genius. — Wow.
That was genius. Thanks for these hideouts.
Pilvi, what's the situation, who dealt with this task the best?
The one who got the most wrong guesses was Kiti, and she gets four points for this task.
And the others get points according to the number of wrong guesses.
And in the total scores, the one in the lead is Maria.
(Miika:) Go, Maria.
Wow. Maria, are you surprised?
Well, I didn't know what to expect. I'm very happy. — Good.
I think my happiness is going to get crushed in no time.
Well let's see, let's go to the mansion and see how it turns out.
— Hi. — Howdy-dowdy-doo.
I don't speak French.
Should we put a pea up the nose? Yours or mine? [*"To draw a pea up the nose" = fig. of speech meaning "to get offended as an excuse to cause drama"]
"Determine the circumference of the mansion's exterior in peas." [*"To draw a pea up the nose" = fig. of speech meaning "to get offended as an excuse to cause drama"]
"The answer that's closest to the truth, wins." — "You have 7 minutes."
"Time starts now."
Oh dear lord.
So the objective was to determine —
the circumference of taskmaster's mansion's exterior in peas.
And you had 7 minutes at your disposal.
Excellent. And whose performance do we get to enjoy first?
First, let's see how they went about the measuring.
Humm... Yeah. Well, I'll just try this.
Well this is like, too easy, isn't it. I'm gonna construct a meter out of peas, measure it, I mean I've got an absolute meter.
The way this should be done is, that we'll take like a small, like a one-meter measurement by using these peas —
and then we estimate.
You won't quite make it around with these peas in seven minutes...
Why am I even laying them down there now?
Right, that's a natural meter right there. That distance.
(Miika:) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
(Kiti:) I'm 1,5 metres tall, so in a way I could use that too.
Okay. Now that's the length of the shoe. So I'll count these. One, two, three, four...
So two peas make up one centimeter. In a meter, there's 100 of them. No, 200.
Maybe 12 peas are about 10 centimeters.
So 120 peas make up one meter.
120 per meter.
78 peas... you could think of it as an average of 80 peas per meter.
Okay so 26 peas are equal to the length of my shoe. So now I'll um, start going around this...
One...
One meter. Two meters.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
2, 3, 4, 5.
Okay it'll have to be done like this. As an estimate. One and a half...
21, 22, 23.
1, 2, 3, 4.
81, 82, 83.
21, 22.
19, 20. Why the fuck am I going through these bushes?
It would be all the same from there.
I lost the count now. Did I say 20? 19, 18, 19, 20.
Oh no that's the, I won't count that, that's the steps, not a part of the building.
63, 64, 65. I fucking regret this already. 66...
47.
41, 42, 43, 44, 45.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Three sides of three. 12.
57. Parkour!
58, beat that! 59.
65, 66. Where did I start the count from? I wonder if I started here?
(Pilvi:) 30 seconds. — Do I have to answer within that time? — Yes.
Jesus christ, I mean I won't be... No!
Where's the ph- a calculator?
— It's not my mansion. — I can't calculate stuff like like this without a calculator, I mean Jesus christ!
(Minka:) It was so terrible.
Minka. Initially you were planning to line the peas up around the mansion like this, so —
how happy are you, that you didn't actually do it? — I know! Quite happy.
Look, let's anticipate the results for a bit and go for a little break. See you soon.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, the contestants tried to painstakingly measure —
the circumference of the mansion with peas as the measuring unit.
And based on the what we just saw, we're expecting quite a bit of scatter.
Pilvi, do we already know the results?
Here come the results. So let's see where they ended up with their calculations.
12... 66 plus 12.
So the circumference is seventy... two. We're really close now.
Shall we go over there? I'll be doing it my head.
8 times 1,5 meters is...
Oh no!
So 200 times 64.
So that's 2000, 4000...
What did just I say? Two...
66 meters times 120.
Ummmm...
26 peas, and the measurement was 250.
(Minka:) And you multiply it with... Let's just add, say, 50 on top of it. Okay.
2 times 100 is... Seven thousand... two hundred.
64 times 2 is 128. 12 800.
Is that possible, or is it 128 000? My head isn't working 'cause I'm being timed.
Oh no, how do you multiply?
How the heck can't I even remember how something like multiplication is done. (on paper)
I mean this is exactly why I should've been present when the kids were, like...
3 meters, 6 meters, 9 meters. 12 meters.
— Time's up. — Wait, it's coming right up.
— Right. — (Minka:) It's umm...
780 peas.
Look, that must be it.
2 920 peas. "Hern", to abbreviate it. [*of "hernettä", peas]
Times 70 peas is...
My estimate is 5 880 peas.
I'll say... My estimate is 6 000 peas.
8 640. 8 640, but I know that you'll somehow like, YOU'LL measure it a bit wrong —
so I'll lay it on thick. I'll say that it's 9 212.
128 000 peas. — Alright.
Was it easy, this one? — If I'd had like, a calculator, it would've been much easier —
because I'm just, utterly... — But you decided not to look for the calculator anywhere.
Perkele! [*Swear word stronger than any English one] And now you say it!
Thanks, Aku.
And yet again... — (Miika:) Quite a bit of scatter there.
And yet again we witnessed that professor Kokkonen was the only one —
who was smart enough to use not just her own height, but also a calculator. — Yeah, exactly!
Pilvi, what are the results?
The answers were quite wide apart indeed.
In one extremity, Minka's 780 peas —
and in the other, Aku's 128 000 peas. (Laughter.)
It had a decimal error.
(Miika:) I reckon one or the other is gonna be wrong.
And between them, Maria's estimation was 2 920 peas, —
Kiti's straight 6 000 peas, and Minka's, sorry, Miika's 9 212 peas.
— The correct answer is? — 7 128 peas —
so Kiti's was the closest one. — No way!
(Maria:) What happened to you? — It was that measurement error of theirs that I added to it.
I'm happy to declare, professor Kokkonen, five points. — Thank you.
And the others of course, scored according to their ranks.
We're gonna have to find out who wins.
And now's the time for the final task. Get ready.
Pilvi, what's the final task?
This time, the final task requires —
sense of rhythm, and sharp wit.
Maria, please read the task aloud.
"On your turn, say a word of a specific length —
when the music stops."
"You may not say a word that's already been said."
"If you don't manage to say the word before the music continues, you drop out."
"The last one left is the winner."
On the first round, the words must consist of two letters. [*Meanings will be translated, character counts ignored.]
Dear contestants. Your accompanist is going to be Petri Somer, —
who today, for tax related reasons, performs under the name of Rahikainen.
Are you ready?
Rahikainen... So it'll start from the left end, from Minka.
Rahikainen, go ahead. (Music starts.)
No.
And.
It.
You don't.
(Kiti:) They (objects).
We.
You (plural).
Well.
Sí.
They (people).
Ow!
Oh.
(Click.)
And then we'll resume from Aku, with three-letter words.
(Jaakko:) Rahikainen, go ahead.
That.
Hi.
Yeah.
Butter.
Took.
(Kiti:) Hey.
(Minka:) Uh-huh.
I guess.
Eek.
(Kiti:) Oops.
Nooohhh.
Shark.
(Bell rings.) Minka made a mistake just there, earlier.
(Minka:) Doesn't "nooohhh" count?
Rahikainen, tighten up the um...
And now we're doing four-letter words. Go ahead.
House. — This.
Chicken.
I. — Pile.
Trace.
Sapling. — Brother.
Line.
Word.
War. — Insignificantly small coin.
(Stem of a word meaning 'stout', in itself not a word.) — Money.
Please leave.
Let's continue with five-letter words.
And Aku starts. Rahikainen, burn up the keys.
Chair. — Cat.
Table. — Dog.
Cow. — Monk. (6 letters!)
Boob. — No! Goddamn it! You won!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Dear friends, thanks for this final task.
The one to make it through was Aku, so that's five points.
And the others get scored in the order of dropping out, —
from one to four.
Pilvi, important question: Who won tonight?
After all the tasks, the one to accumulate the highest score was —
Kiti. — Yes! — You won!
(Jaakko:) Congratulations, Kiti. You can go and enjoy your prizes.
(Jaakko:) Thanks to all the contestants, thanks Maria Veitola, and thanks to all you viewers at home.
This was Taskmaster.