Oh, my artwork!
Pilvi, you do you have a driver's license, right?
(Low voice:) That's what they always say!
If there was like, Vogue magazine for trees...
Does anybody have any money? Cash.
Good evening and welcome to follow how entertainers do their best as they carry out —
tasks that I've devised. Which is, mainly willy-nilly.
And I will then score them the best I can, which is, almost perfectly.
I am Jaakko Saariluoma and this is Taskmaster! (Eija:) Go Jaakko!
Our regular contestants are Pirjo Heikkilä, — [Comedian, actress, screenwriter]
Eija Vilpas — [Actress, screenwriter, drama teacher]
Kalle Lamberg — [Comedian, actor, art director of a theater]
and Fathi Ahmed. [Comedian]
And today, competing with them is the acting Youtube video creator Miska Haakana! Welcome.
And here next to me sits a person whose willpower breaks —
only once in a hundred years, and even then it's intentional. She's the show's official referee Pilvi Hämäläinen!
(Eija:) Go, Pilvi! – Pilvi, how have you prepared for tonight's tribulation?
All the footage has been watched from start to finish several times —
so the contestants only have themselves to blame for the results.
Excellent! Now then, let's find out what we'll be competing for tonight. What the prizes are.
And as we do, the first round of points is up for grabs. Pilvi, could you once again remind us of what this is about.
The show's prizes consist of the contestants' personal property —
and this time, what you asked them to bring in as a prize was —
the most tempting thing that you'd want to lick even though you shouldn't.
Let's start with Eija. She brought a piece of the frozen fence from the Kellokoski* cemetary — [*Kellokoski = the small village where Eija lives]
that she says she licked as a child.* Twice. [*PAUSE TO READ: In the winter, children are explicitly told not to touch metallic things with their tongue. The moisture and heat of a tongue against a thoroughly cooled metallic pole allegedly freezes your tongue onto the metal, and detaching it could rip off the skin. A very tempting dare!]
Pirjo brought corner protectors that, according to her, look just like pulla* braids. [*Pulla = type of semi sweet Finnish cardamom wheat bread eaten as a side with coffee or tea. Usually a single serving bun, but it can be baked as a long braided loaf and cut to slices.]
So I guess Pirjo prefers her pulla braids pre-licked. [*Pulla = type of semi sweet Finnish cardamom wheat bread eaten as a side with coffee or tea. Usually a single serving bun, but it can be baked as a long braided loaf and cut to slices.]
And Miska brought in a bus seat sat on by many a backside.
According to him, quite often when he's looked at it, he's wondered what the seat would taste like.
The answer, I assume, is quite obvious.
And Kalle has brought in an ice cream cone topped with a laxative.
Nothing to add there.
And lastly, Fathi, whose item can be found wrapped in cling film —
and it's a piece of ham.
Fathi... Fathi, um, could you just explain this ham a little bit, why ham?
Well, the thing with ham is that it's sinful, it's haram*. You're not to lick it. (Jaakko:) Okay. [*Haram = forbidden by Islamic law]
...Umm... (Jaakko:) You don't like ham? – No but I do like bacon. Bacon's great!
The first round of points are going now. So I'll score these items as follows:
Eija 5 points. – There you go!
(Jaakko:) It's a classic after all. – Yeah, it's a classic.
Kalle 4 points. – Classic!
Miska 3. And Fathi and Pirjo 2 points.
Ahh. Well.
Remember, dear regulars, that by the end of the season —
one of you is gong to win this extremely coveted golden Taskmaster trophy.
(Pirjo:) Going for it. (Kalle:) Ohhh yeah.
And now, let's head to the mansion for the first task.
[TEXT:] Take this sheet of toilet paper as far as possible. etc.
Hello! Hello. – So where's the task?
"Take this sheet of toilet paper as far as possible."
"No sheets should break off from the roll, and only this last sheet is allowed to touch the ground."
"The inner tube must stay on the loo roll holder throughout the whole task."
"You have 10 minutes." – "The time... starts... now."
So the objective was to take the first sheet of the toilet paper roll as far away as possible.
No sheets were allowed to break off from the roll, —
the inner tube of the roll had to stay in the loo roll holder throughout the whole task, —
and only the first sheet was allowed to touch the ground.
Excellent. Who's first? – Let's start with... Kalle, Eija and Fathi.
Okay, so the time starts now. So it may not... it may not, um, break.
So what I should try to do is to build a system of some kind.
(Panic noise.) That was close!
Would that stay there? Let's hope so, let's hope so. – This is exciting.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ahhh!
Quickly, get out of there! I got some points docked for that, I know.
(Fathi:) Oh no! Perkele.* [*Strongest curse word, no English equivalent, strength-wise.]
…It shouldn't break, how am I supposed to go out that door?
(Eija:) It should not be dropped for a second time.
Otherwise I'm afraid I'd get disqualified.
(Kalle:) Do you have two minutes? – Yes.
Would you like to hold that so that it doesn't touch the ground? I mean, I'm not allowed to let it break.
(Fathi:) Not touching! Not touching! Not touching! – Well...
Got some points docked for mistakes there, but not much because it's only the roll's end that's in there now. Just like it was allowed to be.
Alright. – Oops.
Oh no, my artwork!
I got a bit too greedy now, a bit too long.
It might be frowned upon, but at least it's... at least it's beautiful.
There. The task is finished. (Pilvi:) Time.
It's on the ground now.
Eija, usually they say that people overthink things but —
you didn't have that problem, did you. ...In any way, but I mean —
let's just say that your paper did touch the ground about, less than ten times, and...
And um... Um, you suggested that you'd "only get a little bit of points docked for it" so...
– That's what I was thinking. – How many points did you think you'd get docked? – Well, if the full score is 5, I could be given, say, 4.
(Eija:) I think that would be quite fair. Right? (Miska:) Self confidence, it's important isn't it.
It's only a suggestion though. – Right, yeah, the suggestion has been heard. It's in consideration at the moment.
Fathi, you said that you'd build a system of some kind.
And um... As far as I saw... Did- did I miss something, because the only system I saw there was a wheelbarrow?
Well I mean, you know... I'm not gonna try to explain engineering science of this level to a layman.
Right. Did you just point at Pirjo or me? – Pirjo, definitely not taskmaster. – No, dear god.
But I mean, I did have a system. But the system just... pooped out. As it turns out.
It happens sometimes. – It happens sometimes. Personally, how many penalty points do you estimate that you'd take for this?
(Fathi:) Well, if the full score is 5, I would give myself a 4.
Let's take 4. – 4 sits well with us. (Jaakko:) Right...
Kalle, you were sitting on the loo. Looking very accustomed to it.
A few times, I have... – Yeah. And in a very accustomed manner, you gathered tons of paper, like this. – Yes.
So is this too just, like, a routine? Have you done that a lot before?
It's a routine. We have this thing back in Southwest Finland, you know: whoever has the chalk is gonna draw, so...* [*Idiom, meaning: those who can afford to do something, will.]
"Better have plenty of paper than poo under the nails" is a... [*Idiom, meaning: those who can afford to do something, will.]
a saying back at home, in our household.
Right, I see. Could you show me your nails? – No.
I'm not on home turf right now.
So today you've gone with not that much paper? – Yup. – What are the results?
Eija's result was 9 metres 2 centimetres*. [*almost 10 yards]
Fathi's was 10 metres 24 centimetres. [*over 11 yards]
And Kalle's result was a whopping 17 metres 45 centimetres. [*19 yards]
Oh wow! – Look at that, Southwest Finland.
They were impressive. Impressive performances.
We're yet to see the performances of Miska and Pirjo —
so at this point, let's give Kalle one of those nail cleaning breaks, and...
(Jaakko:) see you soon. – One hour, one hour.
Welcome back. Earlier, we saw how Fathi, Eija and Kalle —
tried to take a sheet of toilet paper as far as possible without breaking the continuous roll.
We haven't seen the tapes of Miska's or Pirjo's performance yet.
And we're going to roll them now. – Oh.
I'm allowed to touch, but there's no need. So if I just tear it off the wall?
Right, so this won't, um, come off?
I'll try not to break the mansion.
Allowed? – Yes.
Hnnng! Oh!
Can you drive? A car? I can drive a car too but I don't want to. – Are you gonna come too?
I'm coming along. – Come along.
I shouldn't overthink this now.
Just so you know, I'm a pretty bad driver.
Whoops. Was it still... Oh the breaks are... the breaks are on.
I haven't driven a lot of vans. I do have a driver's license. Don't worry!
Pilvi, you do you have a driver's license, right?
(Mumbling:) Alright, no cars, not from that direction... (unclear), there's a car!
Two of them. – Two minutes left.
Two minutes! Well stop pussyfooting then! What are you driving, 10 kilometres per hour? [*over 6 mph] Pilvi, get real now!
I have a feeling that I might have seen a place for helicopter rides somewhere here.
I wonder if I could get a helicopter ride in just 5 minutes? – You have 30 seconds.
How much? 30 seconds? – Yes.
(Pilvi:) 20 seconds!
(Car rattling from the speed bumps.)* (Miska:) Ow! Pffft!
Uuuughh! (Pilvi:) One minute left! – Alright!
(Pilvi:) 10!
5! Aaah! There!
Woo! (Pilvi:) Time.
Thank you. (Miska:) Cheers.
Over there.
Quite impressive performances. Miska...
Miska, umm... What do you reckon passer-bys made of it when you were just driving a van with a loo roll in hour hand, like this?
And sometimes in your mouth, I mean... – Actually it wasn't that different to my normal driving —
and I want extra points for that too. So I've never seen Päivi* [*wrong female name] as... Umm... No... I, I mean... (Pirjo:) Pilvi. (Miska:) Pilvi!
I mean I've never seen Pilvi* quite as... (Pilvi:) Taking note. [*Now he's getting her name right but grammatically, he's using a form that isn't appropriate for names. This makes it sound like a common noun instead of a person's name. As a noun, Pilvi means 'cloud', or in slang, 'marijuana'.]
Okay this got me some penalty points now, didn't it!? (Kalle:) And you mean, you wanted extra points for this? [*Now he's getting her name right but grammatically, he's using a form that isn't appropriate for names. This makes it sound like a common noun instead of a person's name. As a noun, Pilvi means 'cloud', or in slang, 'marijuana'.]
I've never seen Pilvi* so scared before so I want some kind of extra points now. [*He repeats the incorrect grammar again.]
Right, you just come here and want points, don't even bother learning our names properly.
It wasn't in the instructions. The instructions only told me to watch this. I don't need to know who's here.
Alright. Pirjo? (Pirjo:) Yeah?
On a scale from 1 to 5, how... – 5.
Right. Thanks. Let's move on.
What were the results?
Pirjo's result was 750 metres. [*over 820 yards] (Pirjo:) So little? (Pilvi:) And Miska's result...
2 kilometres and 38 metres. [*1.26 miles] – Yeah!
Yes indeed. Quite impressive results, but I guess this wasn't the whole story, if we want to be exact.
If we want to be exact, this was not the whole story. Let's take a look at some footage. (Kalle:) Oh?
(Pilvi:) Five! (Miska:) Aaah! There!
(Miska:) Woo! (Pilvi:) Time.
(Pirjo:) Three... (Pilvi:) Time!
(Pilvi:) I'm not going to be your passenger anymore.
(Pilvi:) Is the whole roll on the ground? – Yeah. Is it not allowed to?
Owwww...
(Jaakko:) Quite often, the ability to read instructions... – Can I beg you? Can I beg you? Please!
(Jaakko:) ...the ability to read instructions helps. Um... So you didn't get a result there, Miska and Pirjo.
Well, but how...!? – Yup, yup, yup!
I haven't said anything about Eija yet.
Eija and Fathi didn't get a result either. The only one who got one was Kalle, 5 points.
Yeaaah! Woo!
(Jaakko:) However... (Eija:) If you admit your mistake, you do get a result. That's how it...
(People trying to talk simultaneously.) (Fathi:) Even if you confess, you still go to prison.
"I committed that murder." "Alright, go on and go home."
That's a bold comparison if we're talking about loo roll transporting versus murder... (Jaakko:) But one extra point.
Back in Southwest Finland, they are one and the same.
Well Eija, for persistent trying, I'll give you one extra point anyway.
Yaay!
There you go. And I almost took one point away from Miska because you didn't remember Päivi's name, but yeah... [*He repeats the wrong name on purpose.]
Let's go to the mansion to check out the next task.
– Hi.
"Create a dreadful ASMR* experience for Pilvi." [*ASMR = Specially made audio recordings from close proximity intended to be listened with headphones, causing many listeners to experience a pleasant tingling sensation. A typical ASMR video has a person mundanely handling objects of specific materials and textures very carefully, to make an intimate sound that feels like it's close to your head.]
"The most dreadful ASMR experience wins." [*ASMR = Specially made audio recordings from close proximity intended to be listened with headphones, causing many listeners to experience a pleasant tingling sensation. A typical ASMR video has a person mundanely handling objects of specific materials and textures very carefully, to make an intimate sound that feels like it's close to your head.]
"You have 10 minutes to prepare, — [*ASMR = Specially made audio recordings from close proximity intended to be listened with headphones, causing many listeners to experience a pleasant tingling sensation. A typical ASMR video has a person mundanely handling objects of specific materials and textures very carefully, to make an intimate sound that feels like it's close to your head.]
after which you will create the ASMR experience for Pilvi." [*ASMR = Specially made audio recordings from close proximity intended to be listened with headphones, causing many listeners to experience a pleasant tingling sensation. A typical ASMR video has a person mundanely handling objects of specific materials and textures very carefully, to make an intimate sound that feels like it's close to your head.]
"The time starts now."
So the objective was to create —
the most dreadful ASMR experience for me.
Right, usually ASMR experiences are pleasant, aren't they? – Yes. – ...But now we're gonna go the other way, aren't we. I wonder who we're going to start —
this interesting task from? – First, let's watch how they prepared for the task.
What's an irritating voice? (Raspy, high-pitched voice:) Is it something like this?
That was quite irritating, actually. – What are you afraid of? What's your fear?
To you, what's a scary thing?
(In English, reading out what ASMR stands for, seeming not to understanding any of it:) "Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response" —
And it means pleasant, tingling sensation. This is nice then, isn't it.
I think it would be animal cruelty if I, like... Locked your dog away somewhere. I can't do that, Humppa* is so cute. [*The small dog in an earlier episode this season.]
ASMR, damn... I always skip those videos. And it's always someone brushing a teddybear's arse or something.
Am I scary? – Hmm...
Boo! Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Boo! Nothing. Damn, alright.
Yeah, I'll just think for a bit and see what I'm gonna do.
Alright, I know what I'm gonna make for you.
I'll just pop by the sauna... and then I'll come right back. ["Taking someone behind the sauna" is a Finnish idiom referring to execution. Farm animals used to be slaughtered discreetly out of sight, and the sauna could've provided water and heat for processing the meat.]
Where's my dog? ["Taking someone behind the sauna" is a Finnish idiom referring to execution. Farm animals used to be slaughtered discreetly out of sight, and the sauna could've provided water and heat for processing the meat.]
(Bubbles make a weird high-pitched noise.) (Kalle giggles.) All I'm going to need is this, and myself.
(Pirjo:) This might not make... – Yeah, so I'm not on my way to, like, look for... Pilvi's dog.
However. I can sort of look for, like, sounds in the internet, that I can use in it. (The sound of a small, protesting dog.)
(Kalle:) Terrifying!
Interesting preparations.
Now I'm excited to see what the results are.
Who's first?
Now we'll watch, or should I say, experience, —
the performances of Fathi, Kalle and Pirjo.
(Fathi with a calm, bassy, breathy voice:) Thank you everyone, and welcome to this ASMR experience specially tailored for Pilvi.
(Kalle, with a calm and intimate voice:) All the sounds that you're going to hear have solely been made by using my naked body.
(Pirjo, closely whispering:) You are safe. (Jingling noise.) (Pirjo, closely whispering:) You are worth loving. (Jingling continues.)
(Fathi with a calm, bassy, breathy voice:) One thing that I've always wanted to ask Pilvi as she's a young dog mom —
and always at work...
How... (Small dog complaining, whining.)
(Fathi continues:) How... Why are you always at work?
(Intimate whisper:) This is your life. Live it the way you want to.
Whew, I'm so sweaty. (Continuous sloshing noise.)
(Fathi, calmly:) Where are you? (Small dog complaining.)
(Fathi continues:) You've abandoned me. (Dog keeps complaining.)
(Pirjo, intimately whispering:) Love and enjoy. (Rhythmic sloshing noise from wet palms.)
(Kalle, low and calm:) Did you also get a sort of funny feeling from today's lunch? (Sound of bubbles.) – No.
(Ketchup bottle spurting noises, a bit farty.)
(Burp.)
(Kalle, slowly with a breathy, quiet voice:) I'm glad you're not seeing...
what's happening behind you.
(Bassy buzzling noise like a muffled small aircraft.)
And, done.
(Rhythmic wet noise.)
(Fathi in a calm, quiet and bassy voice:) And this was our ASMR experience.
(Miska:) Oh, I'm crying. Oh!
(Jaakko:) Oh my word, the human mind is just fascinating, isn't it.
Kalle, you straight up just went with a journey into your bodily functions.
So how does that differ from all those audio messages that you usually send?
Now that I saw this, I mean, this was definitely the most awful thing that I've ever done during my career.
And I've been involved in a lot of shows.
This was the most embarrassing thing. – Pilvi, how did that feel?
Well, uhh... In the beginning I got the shivers. Seriously.
And I mean, absolutely not in a good way, so...
It was a rather creepy experience.
(Jaakko:) Rather creepy. (Pilvi:) Yeah. (Jaakko:) Pirjo. You chose to creep her out with love. (Pirjo:) Yeah.
And um... I'd just like to... Where, to what stage of a love story do these sound effects at the end belong to?
What stage? (Jaakko:) Yeah, to what stage of a love story do the sounds at the end...?
Well I mean, when it's just the two of you, holding hands right there on the deathbed, and you cross the border beyond...
(Fathi:) So you mean, like... This occurs at THAT moment?
So it's a squelching sound when we cross the border to the afterlife? (Pirjo:) Yeah because your skin starts to stretch a lot... The older you get, you know...
Or is it like Jack and Rose, like, when in Titanic they're holding each other by the hands, it could have that pft-pft-pft... – Yeah!
However you like. You can see this piece of art that way... too.
Did you just use the term 'piece of art'? – Yeah. Sound art. – Pilvi, what did that feel like?
Well, initially it wasn't even... Distressing or scary —
but it actually empowered me a bit.
But eventually it got very, very distressing.
I even started wondering if you might be the stalker who's always standing on my yard.
But yeah. No, no, no. No.
Speaking of stalkers. Fathi...
Have you seen any of the Saw movies?
Yeah, I just realised that I'm a sociopath, apparently.
So it was nice to see the evidence of how much I have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Because, seeing that now, in hindsight it was quite sick, in a way.
Well, it was. Did it feel sickening?
Yeah, it sounded sickening, it felt sickening, especially in my soul...
Fathi knew exactly what strings to pull as he played the dog card. – Sociopaths often do.
That's the thing.
Impressive experiences. I think we must digest them for a bit. We're yet to see what Eija and Miska have done.
But now we'll go for a little break. See you soon.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster. Before the break —
we saw what kind of terrifying ASMR experiences —
Kalle, Fathi and Pirjo created for Pilvi. And we also heard Pilvi's reports on the experiences.
We're yet to see the ASMR experiences of Miska and Eija.
(Pilvi:) And we will see them now.
(Slowly, in a calm, bassy voice:) One dark autumn night, Pilvi —
was driving... home from work.
(Horn honks.) (Squawks loudly:) "Get out of the way!" (Calmly:) ...Pilvi shouted.
A journey to terrifying therapy begins.
(Miska, in a calm, breathy voice:) The cottage was quiet. The cottage... (Whispering:) was devoid of light.
(Horn honks.) (Squawks loudly:) "I'm going in!" (Whispering:) ...Pilvi shouted.
(Raspy, breathy voice:) And it begins...
(Raspy, breathy voice:) Oh, how your... your body... it itches!
(Sustained grunt.) Because it's covered in deeeeeeer keds!* [*PAUSE TO READ: A louse that lives on moose and other deer blood. The flat-bodied, winged louse leaps at dark bypassing figures such as unsuspecting berry pickers in the autumn. With the intent of laying eggs onto the host, they can be very difficult to get rid of because they burrow into hair and try to get under clothing even through loose seams. Unless it has already dropped its wings soon after landing, trying to brush it off just makes it fly back like a magnet.]
(Miska, in a low monster voice:) Welcome to my dungeon.
(Chains clatter and tinkle.)
(Breathy, raspy voice:) Haa. haa. Oh, how they bite, and (strangled voice:) THROW THEMSELVES —
against your body. (Low, nasal growling.)
(Miska, being an aggressively barking dog.) (Pilvi screams, sort of laughs.)
(Raspy, strangled voice:) You feel disturbing itchiness on your backside!
(Deathly voice:) There's aaaaaaaants! Ow, ow, ow! Now they're biting! They're biting!
No! I'm not ready to die. (Miska bellows without a warning, laughs like a villain.)
(Extremely low bassy voice:) That's what they always say! – Brr...
(Deathly voice:) On top of that, I'm going to tell you that your dog accidentally ate some xylitol chocolate!* [*Xylitol and chocolate are both toxic to dogs. Xylitol is a birch sugar used as a sweetener. In Finland, (xylitol) chewing gum isn't a sugary treat but something you have in order to freshen your breath and teeth after a meal.]
(Eija, deathly voice:) Ha ha haaaaaa..... [*Xylitol and chocolate are both toxic to dogs. Xylitol is a birch sugar used as a sweetener. In Finland, (xylitol) chewing gum isn't a sugary treat but something you have in order to freshen your breath and teeth after a meal.]
(Hair dryer noise.) (Miska, in a low monster voice:) This is... a chainsaw. (Pilvi:) Ahhh! (Satisfied monster vocalisations.)
(Gollum-like deathly voice:) The deer keds were just a product of your imagination... Ha hmmm..!
(Roar and a slap.) (Pilvi shrieks.)
(Calm, low resonant voice:) It's time... to cut some... (Yelling aggressively:) Blood! Endless streams of blood! Nahahahaha!
(Raspy whisper:) Take the headphones off. – Thank you, Eija. – Thanks!
Cheers. (Honk.) That's a wrap!
Uh... (Miska laughing.)
Eija... I can tell you, if you ever establish a wellness center like that, —
I won't be coming. I won't.
And every time I see ants, I'll think of Eija Vilpas. From now on.
And deer keds. (Jaakko:) And deer keds, exactly.
Miska, it almost seemed like you enjoyed it. – Yeah. Like him, I suppose I also have a bit of a sadistic side, so um...
And that was fun! Yeah. (Fathi:) Like a rollercoaster. (Miska:) Yeah, indeed. It was.
(Eija:) Yeah. The rollercoaster of Linnanmäki*. [*Linnanmäki = Big old amusement park in Helsinki] (Jaakko:) I mean it's truly terrifying that you put on rubber gloves and protective goggles —
when all you had to do was some sounds.
I wanted to make it feel like I could genuinely hurt you.
Well, we sure got that feeling, didn't we. Or what do you say, Pilvi?
Yeah. (Miska:) Great, there you go! – And what was Eija like? As an experience?
I have to start scoring soon, so... – Well, Eija's performance surprised me by being so holistic.
I mean, initially it felt a bit too lovely for a horrifying experience like that.
But eventually it sure did turn out to be horrifying. And actually not just, like, because of the content that Eija was saying —
but because of the sheer volume of her voice, it... I was a bit worried about my ears there.
But Miska's experience, ummm... It was, it was the most diverse one of them all. It really was this terrifying journey.
Yeah, I mean that's what I was going for, indeed. – I'll base my scoring largely on what Pilvi said about these experiences.
And then of course, a little bit on how it looked to an outsider.
So, Miska 5 points. (Eija:) Go, Miska!
Eija 4 points.
Fathi 3, and Pirjo and Kalle 2 points. (Kalle:) Yeah!
(Fathi:) I would've desearved more, I got...
(Jaakko:) Pilvi, how are the total scores at the moment?
On the scoreboard, the one in the lead at the moment is... Kalle.
Go, Kalle!
(Kalle:) Nope, there's still time. (Jaakko:) But the battle is not over, and we'll go straight back to the mansion to check out the next task now. (Eija:) Here we go.
"Make this tree as attractive* as possible." – Oh, wow! [*While this word for attractive means alluring just like in English, it literally also means something that pulls something towards it, if anyone wants to use it in the 'magnetic' sense.]
"The most attractive tree wins." – "You have 12 minutes." [*While this word for attractive means alluring just like in English, it literally also means something that pulls something towards it, if anyone wants to use it in the 'magnetic' sense.]
"The time starts now."
An attractive tree?
So the objective was to make a tree as attractive as possible.
Who's first then? – Let's start with the performances of Pirjo, Kalle and Miska.
Alright. An attractive tree.
If there was something, like a magnet. I could throw some kind of metallic balls at it.
Rubber bands, rubber bands... (Horn honks.) Oh! ...
...Attracts the kind of people who have, like, a tree fetish. Maybe that's a thing too.
When I pull this, it will dart over at full speed. Look.
I think it's quite attractive already!
If there was like, a Vogue magazine for trees, this one would be on the cover.
Tree necklace*. Oh my. [*Play on words: In Finnish, wood and tree are the same word. When he says "necklace of wooden beads", it can be interpreted as "bead necklace for trees".]
And, you know what this one is called? [*Play on words: In Finnish, wood and tree are the same word. When he says "necklace of wooden beads", it can be interpreted as "bead necklace for trees".]
I mean, this is Anna Puu.* [*Anna Puu = Finnish pop star. Puu means tree/wood. Like a Victoria Wood pun.]
Wear that helmet. [*Anna Puu = Finnish pop star. Puu means tree/wood. Like a Victoria Wood pun.]
Whew! I mean she's... she's... cute.
And, look: Some maracas to hold.
A flamenco theme. – And now, just lie down there and relax.
The more relaxed you can be, the less it will hurt.
Like this. Ughh!
Whoa! Attractive.
Beat that. – Do you feel anything?
(Slightly strangled:) It doesn't feel very nice. But I mean, the tree does technically... attract. (pull towards it)
If I had to describe that, I mean I'd say it's quite attractive, actually.
Time. – Cheers.
Kalle. (Kalle:) Eh? (Jaakko:) Tree Vogue? (Kalle:) Yeah.
(Jaakko:) I've missed that one completely. Where is it published, in Southwest Finland, I bet?
I suppose so. At least soon it will be, once this is broadcasted. Someone... (inaudible)
Now that you saw your creation after some time, um, would you personally "go to the night tree"* with that? [*"Go to the night tree" = Finnish idiom, meaning going to the place where one sleeps. Most likely of the way how birds retract into the safety of trees for the night.]
Ahhhh! I would. I absolutely would go. [*"Go to the night tree" = Finnish idiom, meaning going to the place where one sleeps. Most likely of the way how birds retract into the safety of trees for the night.]
(Jaakko:) You would go. Oh yeah. "To press some wood"*. (Mouthing: No.) [*"To press some wood" = Idiom, meaning to sit down. From pressing one's body weight onto a wooden seat. However, 'to press' is also slang for sexual penetration, so all in all he suggests that he would "absolutely take that tree to the place where they sleep, and then do that tree."]
...To sit around! [*"To press some wood" = Idiom, meaning to sit down. From pressing one's body weight onto a wooden seat. However, 'to press' is also slang for sexual penetration, so all in all he suggests that he would "absolutely take that tree to the place where they sleep, and then do that tree."]
To sit around. Sure, you could "press some wood" (do the tree) by/while sitting around. (Kalle:) Sure! (Jaakko:) So I've heard! (Kalle:) Exactly!
Pirjo. (Pirjo:) Yes? (Jaakko:) What I saw there strongly suggested a human trial. (Pirjo:) Yeah.
In your interpretations, was that what it was?
I think Pilvi was in a safe space there. (Jaakko:) Sure... (Pirjo:) I explained to her what was happening, and... and...
You put a helmet on her. – Yeah, the helmet was on, nothing bad could've happened.
Pilvi, did the tree attract you? (pull towards) – Well yeah, in a way, it did.
Quite strongly there, from the throat.
Right. And the bucket, I'm glad it didn't fly as fast as the bucket.
Did the tree pull (attract) you towards it, or did she?
(Pilvi:) Yeah... – Yeah but, you see, she did go towards the tree, didn't she.
Well, I think it may have been sort of like a lever* in this case. (Pirjo:) Ah... Right. [*He uses a seldom heard but correct word for a technical lever; It's hard to guess what it refers to unless you know the word.]
Would you like to shed some light on this word 'lever' a bit? [*He uses a seldom heard but correct word for a technical lever; It's hard to guess what it refers to unless you know the word.]
That guy fucks trees. But I mean... – Hey!
Why did this turn into an American talk show all of a sudden?
Uh, I don't know. Tastefulness isn't everybody's forte.
Oh my. And that's the end of those performances.
I think... I think we'll have to take a little break now, don't we. We'll take a break now. (Pirjo:) Yeah.
Welcome back.
Before the break, we saw how Pirjo, Kalle and Miska made a tree as attractive as they could.
We're yet to see the trees of Fathi and Eija.
And we'll see them now.
You hold that, I'll run. – Thank you.
Everybody likes something. Everybody likes some specific thing.
Money! Does anybody have any money? Cash.
A leopard is always impressive, isn't it.
First, I was thinking that it would be a place for candy, but I've noticed that there's children walking on this area too so it would probably be a bad thing if I stood there and shouted that there's candy in here.
(Fathi:) So I'll try money. Money is, like... – Attractive, you say. Now I'm thinking about animals, specifically.
So is this one of those signs that attract people? – Yeah.
"Money..." – by the tree.
We just need more... A couple of sheets like this.
Here's a balcony for birds. For mice or hare... A tent for a hare!
Look how lovely, just peeking from here. (Cartoony voice:) "Good afternoon!"
How much time do I have?
2 minutes 30 seconds. – Cool.
The mice are gonna have to hang upside down but... Maybe mice like that.
Oh this is gonna be so neat!
Oh no, now it says "tee" instead of "tree"! Fucking hell. I didn't notice, but... [*He messed up the last word which is actually the "by", hard to translate perfectly because Finnish word order is different.]
"By the tee". It could be a bit like, so it's a bit, you know... We're like... in Laajasalo*. [*Laajasalo = Islands in Helsinki. Fathi refers to the way people there supposedly drop letters from some words.] [*He messed up the last word which is actually the "by", hard to translate perfectly because Finnish word order is different.]
I've just planned this, like... To be attractive to a specific target audience.
(Eija:) I'd say it is... It's done now. (Pilvi:) Thank you, Eija.
(Eija:) Good idea. (Jaakko:) Eija, you clearly specialise in these because earlier you had deer keds, and now you built this as a homage to the creation*. [*as in: all the (God-created) life forms of the world]
Do you reckon some national park would take this... to keep?
Yeah, I hope so. I just somehow, animals are close to my heart, so...
I'm curious to know more about the tent for a hare that you hung there... (Eija:) Yeah? (Jaakko:) ...At the height of one metre. [*under 40 inches] (Eija:) Wasn't it cute?
Yeah but how does the hare get into the tent that hangs at the height of one metre?
Well, hares — haven't you seen — when hares jump? They hop, don't they.
And I'm sure you're about to suggest you get an extra point for this.
Yes. – Can I just ask, why in the hare's tent mice hang upside down? (head down, bottom up)
They were sub-tenants. – Ah, oh right... I see.
Right, I'm sure they get there the same way as the hare does. (Eija:) Yeah.
(Eija:) They scurry their way up there. (Jaakko:) Fathi.
You trusted in the power of money.
Yeah. Nothing else in the world matters. (Jaakko:) Uh-huh.
Man has no future, but capital does. (Fathi:) Exactly!
But now I must score these. And um, I'll really have to think about which approach to take with the scoring here.
So I'll score these as follows:
I'll give —
Kalle, Eija and Miska 3 points each.
4 points to Fathi.
The approach stood out by being different, after all. And just for like, the madness and the entertainment value and... and all that —
5 points to Pirjo.
(Everyone:) Ooh!
(Eija:) Go, Pirjo!
Dear friends, anything is still possible.
It's time for the final task. Get ready.
Pilvi, what's the final task?
The final task tests artistic perception and the ability to focus.
Miska, read the task aloud, please.
"Draw the mystery object under your desk onto the drawing board.
The drawing portraying the object the most accurately, wins.
You must stare at the taskmaster intimidatingly throughout the whole task.
You have 2 minutes. The most accurate drawing wins.
Time starts from the taskmaster's cue."
So under the desk, you can handle the object as much as you want, but you may not pull the object into sight.
You'll draw it. You have 2 minutes, or whatever it was. (Miska:) Okay. (Jaakko:) Good.
Your time starts... now.
(Kalle:) What? (Pirjo:) Ah!
Oh right, I had to stare at you.
(Jaakko laughs.)
Remember to stare intimidatingly. (Eija snarling.)
Fathi, intimidatingly. Not seductively. – Ah.
What is this thing? I have absolutely no clue.
(Jaakko laughing.)
(Eija:) The finishing touches. – I just... I just feel like I'm constipated or something...
It looks like you had...
(Eija snarls like Gollum.)
(Miska:) Ahhh, now I know what this is! Fuck!
(Jaakko:) It was about time, you have 15 seconds left! (Miska:) Shit.
10 seconds!
(Kalle:) I lost one of the parts.
Time's up.
Great job, dear friends. And most of all, a very diverse lot of stares.
Let's start unpacking what you've drawn.
Kalle. (Kalle:) Yeah. (Jaakko:) Please show and tell what you've drawn.
I'm pretty sure that it was some kind of metallic, um... Toilet brush holder.
(Eija:) The brush looks really good. (Jaakko:) A metallic toilet brush holder. (Eija:) The brush is great. (Jaakko:) Yeah.
Pilvi, please place the object onto the desk. What was it?
Oh! (Eija:) Great job!
Thank you. Miska. – Here is my drawing.
And it's one of those lottery machines, isn't it.
So um, there's balls inside. There, some blue balls —
and then you operate it somehow. The sun is there, as is necessary for any drawing.
And then it also says "go ahead and win" because in lottery, you can win if you take one from it.* It's a 50/50 chance to win. [*play on words: in this case, the same word can be interpreted either as "take" or "go ahead" (and win).]
(Jaakko:) So all of this, the sun and the letters, were things that you felt under the desk? (Miska:) Umm... [*play on words: in this case, the same word can be interpreted either as "take" or "go ahead" (and win).]
No...
But I felt it in your heart when I was staring at you.
Are you fishing for extra points? – Absolutely, I am.
I'm glad you're honest. Pilvi, show us what Miska was drawing.
(Kalle:) Oh! There you go!
(Miska:) And some red too. (Eija:) Or bingo, bingo is also an option with that.
Yes. And next, Eija.
What did you draw? – There was an honest* furry cap. [*as in: unpretentious, classic, good old, etc.]
And a mannequin head. [*as in: unpretentious, classic, good old, etc.]
(Jaakko:) Eija. Eija... – And that's the fur.
How would you have drawn it, had it been a dishonest furry cap?
It would've been askew and... a bit balding and... and...
and the face would've felt untrustworthy —
but now the face felt very trustworthy. – Pilvi, could you show us.
Yeah! (Jaakko:) Yes indeed.
Honest, is it not? (Jaakko:) It is honest. (Eija:) Thoroughly honest.
(Fathi:) Very honest. – Um... Fathi Ahmed, known for being tasteful, what did you draw?
It's like um... uhhh.... microbe... stethoscope. [*Very unusual and surprising to not know the name. His mind has either gone temporarily blank or he's never had to think about it.]
I think. Or... one of those... [*Very unusual and surprising to not know the name. His mind has either gone temporarily blank or he's never had to think about it.]
Can you just repeat what it was? A microbe... – What is it, is it um... Is it a telescope? (Others cracking up.)
Could it be a microscope?
That's the one! Microscope.
Pilvi, will you show us?
(Kalle:) Look at that!
And we've moving on. Pirjo, what did you draw?
I drew a dinosaur! (Eija:) Let me see.
Aww! – Oh wow. Nice.
(Eija:) It's a clear picture. (Pirjo, mimicking a lisping child:) This is a really scary dinosaur! And not just any dinosaur, but a Tyrannosaurus rex!
Rawr! – Pilvi, could you place the object onto the table.
Let's see if it's even close.
Yay! (Kalle:) Wow! How could you recognise something like that?
Thank you, dear friends, for these drawings!
Dear friends. It's time to judge your drawings now. And to score them.
And there's several criteria in play here, of course. One is that you had to recognise the object, and everyone succeeded at that.
So everyone will get points on that part.
Then, you had to stare at me at the same time... and do it intimidatingly.
And perhaps the most intimidating stare after all, the most persistently intimidating one, was Pirjo's. (Pirjo:) Yay. (Eija:) Oh well.
(Jaakko:) ...But then of course this was a drawing task.
So the best drawing gets 5 points.
And then, lower and lower scores from there on.
So Eija drew the best picture, in my opinion. But because Eija forgot to stare, Eija gets 4 points. (Pirjo:) Okay.
Pirjo and Miska, 3 points —
and Kalle and Fathi, 2 points. (Kalle:) Alright!
(Miska:) I'll have that. – There. So... the points have been given.
Pilvi. The most important question:
Who won tonight's game?
After all the tasks —
the one to accumulate the highest score today was...
Eija! – No way!
(Jaakko:) Please go ahead, Eija, go enjoy your prize items.
Congratulations Eija Vilpas, the winner of tonight's game.
Thanks to all of our contestants, thank you, Miska Haakana.
Thank you viewers at home. This was Taskmaster. Bye.