Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Thanks for having us in your lives.
It's episode five of series five, and there are five contestants,
each waiting to battle it out for a maximum of five points
in the five tasks we've scheduled for tonight's competition.
Coincidence?
- Yeah, it is coincidence. - [laughter]
Let's meet the people with a rampant desire to take home this...
[he gasps] Oooh.
...overtly sensual statue trophy.
Please welcome our contestants.
They are... Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And as pathetic as he is sycophantic,
desperate and irritating,
it's Alex Hooorne!
[cheers and applause]
Hello.
Thank you for writing your own introduction.
Pleasure.
What else have you been up to?
I've been very busy, actually.
I've been mainly working... I've been working on my alibi quite a lot.
Just, uh...
I'm fairly convinced I'm gonna be caught up in a serious crime,
so I'm just sort of getting my story straight.
OK?
But you haven't done a crime?
Not yet, so I'm just, um...
No, I don't think I will, but I'm just thinking,
if I do get caught up in something, I need witnesses.
Where were you last Thursday at 3 p.m.?
Well, I'll have to call Peter.
[laughter]
See? It works.
- Specifically Peter. - Mm-hm.
I mean, fine. What's today's prize category?
OK, well, today it's a good one.
We've asked them to bring in their most high-octane item.
This is exciting. You're going to judge whose is the most high-octane,
and at the end of the show, at the end of the white-knuckle ride of a show,
one of them will go home with all five high-octane items.
All to play for. OK, Mark Watson.
What have you brought and why is it so?
I thought, "What would I be most scared of?"
I took "high-octane" to mean adrenaline-inducing,
- frightening, basically. - OK.
And the most frightening thing I could think of was stealing something.
Specifically from you, um, Taskmaster.
So my high-octane item is a pair of your trousers.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
A couple of weeks ago, you performed at the Comedy Garden in Bristol,
- and I had liaised with some of the other acts. - And I lost my trousers!
[laughter]
Nothing to do with me.
That is amazing, because the last thing I said,
as I left that gig, was, "Who loses fucking trousers?"
[laughter]
And you've made swear now, you minge!
- My accomplice was Ed Gamble. - Ed Gamble, yeah.
The comedian Ed Gamble.
And I though that he got in his car very quickly, as well.
Yes, he got in his car quickly 'cause I was on the phone to him,
going, "Go! Leave, leave!"
[laughter]
That is an undeniably high-octane item.
I mean, my heart's beating now, thinking about it.
Sally, what is your high-octane item?
I found a product so high-octane, it's actually illegal in this country.
Now we're talking.
Yeah. High-octane feed for show pigs.
Yes, we have it here.
[laughter]
It just makes a pig instantly enormous.
I don't know if you remember the pictures of...
Instantly? Like a rip-pull?
Yeah, it's like... Do you remember the Agragrian Revoluted pigs?
Those pictures from history, the pictures of the Agrarian Revolution pigs.
Oh, the Agrarian Revolutionary pigs.
You and I were chatting about those the other day.
[laughter]
Nish?
I've brought a high-octane item.
It was a present that was given to me for my 21st birthday.
OK.
So we're talking ten years ago now,
and it's a mobile phone hands-free kit.
And what it actually really is, it's just a massive rubber band.
So, I mean, that...
[laughter]
Now, the reason it's high- octane is that, after a while,
that really cuts the blood flow to your brain.
[laughter]
So it really depends on how long you fancy
carrying the conversation on for, and the longer the minutes go,
the closer you are to genuine death.
I don't know about you, Alex, but I always feel settled
when we've found out who's last in the first round.
- Yes. - [laughter]
Aisling?
I bandied about a few suggestions at Alex,
until eventually he decided to tell me what "octane" meant.
It's dangerous. So, gardening...
A big passion of mine.
- I'm sorry, does it mean danger? - I don't think it does mean danger.
- Well, I mean, it's risky. - High-risk.
- Adrenaline-fuelled activities. - Yes, so gardening.
[laughter]
Oh, God, so you can imagine the scene. You haven't cut the grass in a while.
You can't remember where you left A) your rake,
or B) that custard pie you made and left out.
Oh, my God. If they've been combined and I walk into them.
Ka-boom!
- You can see the rake and custard pie. - That's my item. You see?
- [laughter and applause] - [Aisling] High octane.
Bob?
It's a rocket bike that I made for my son.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
I did a radio phone-in where I claimed that my son was a fast runner,
and another parent from the school phoned in and said,
"Not as fast as my son."
And he was telling the truth.
So I challenged him to speed-cycling,
and this is the rocket bike I made for my son.
- [laughter] - [Aisling] Whoa!
[Greg] And your son... You lit it and it did propel your son?
Yes, well, no. He propelled it, but it gave it that kind of vibe...
You know, that feeling of speed.
- Sort of jazz hands. - Yeah.
Yeah, like it was a bike like that, yeah.
Yeah.
OK, I mean, this is gonna surprise you, I think.
- Mark, I'm gonna put in last place... - YES!
...because he stole my fucking trousers.
I did think that could happen, yeah.
Nish can come crashing in, for obvious reasons, into fourth.
- Oh, easy come, easy go. - [Alex] He's still happy.
Still happy.
The trouble is, there is part of me that wants
to get smashed in the face by a custard pie at all times,
and feel the same, I know, so Aisling comes in at third.
And this is gonna surprise everyone,
but I want my high-octane-- [he laughs]
[laughter]
It's just me, but I want my high-octane goods pig-based.
So I'm gonna put Bob in second with his rocket bike,
- and the lustrous pig meal in first. - [laughter]
- Sally Phillips gets five points. - Who would have expected it?
[Greg] Who would have expected it?
On we trudge. What's first?
And off we go.
Hello-o-o?
[Alex] Hi, Sally.
Hello there, Andy.
[Alex] Alex.
Alex.
[laughter]
Oh, I don't like things with balloons in.
[Alex] You don't like things with balloons?
I don't really like balloons, no.
They make me nervous.
[Alex] Why's that?
Well, they burst and all sorts, and also I'm not good at blowing them up.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's see what the task is.
"Put the biggest thing inside this balloon."
Oh, Alex, again? That's disgusting.
"The balloon must then be successfully inflated..."
"...tied, and bigger than your head."
I have ten minutes.
The biggest thing.
This is bad news, 'cause for a start,
I don't know that I can manually inflate a balloon.
I, Alex, famously, in my family,
cannot blow up a balloon.
My time starts now.
[applause]
So Mark and Aisling both claim not to be able to blow up balloons.
No claim about it, it's just pure fact.
What is that? Have you not got enough muscle
structure around your lips? What's going on?
I use too much of it for pouting on selfies.
[laughter]
Here's Mark and Aisling, Mark being mildly phobic of balloons. Here we go.
Could I put a load of things in it? Like a load of biscuits?
[Alex] Mm-hm.
I don't really know where you go from there.
I'm just gonna see, first of all, if I can fit a cherry tomato in.
It says the balloon must be inflated. It doesn't say I have to do it.
I think that's gonna be the only way. I'm gonna have to get an assistant.
But what is the biggest thing that could go in it?
Can I fit a load of cherry tomatoes in it?
[Alex] If you think a load of cherry tomatoes is a thing, then that's OK.
Yeah, 'cause once they mush together, they make a sauce.
[Alex] So you're putting a tomato sauce in there?
Actually, I'm putting in bruschetta.
So, look, let's just put this... For example, this will go in here.
They're nice and round.
A breadstick.
Break that in.
I mean, what if I ask one of the people here?
Do you reckon you could do this?
Oh, I hate it when balloons do that.
So, I'd like you to blow it bigger than my head.
So if you use my head as a...
Oh, my God!
- Now that, I reckon... - [Alex] Yes.
So that is bigger than my head, so that is an entry now.
Oh no, it won't be me tying that. I don't think I can do that either.
[Alex] Sorry, can you not tie a balloon, Mark?
Er, well, I wouldn't have thought so, no.
In my balloon today is a very simple bruschetta dish.
And I think... you can safely say...
that it is bigger than my head.
Oh, this is making me feel very...
He's done it, he's done it. There we go.
Alright, well...
Thanks, everyone. I hope we'll work on a task together soon.
[Alex] Thanks, Mark.
[applause]
Well, I mean, who doesn't enjoy a delicious bruschetta rammed into a balloon?
[laughter]
Lovely job.
Then you burst it and it's ready to eat.
[Greg] Yeah!
I like to open all my lunches with a loud explosion sound.
Um, OK, Mark. What's wrong with you?
[laughter]
Come on, Watso.
It would take probably too long to go into...
Come on, mate. You're a father.
Yeah, I know. Imagine how many parties I have to go to with balloons and stuff.
I bloody hate them.
Do you eat proper grown-up food?
If somebody cuts it up. If someone cuts it up for me.
- Yeah, yeah. - Normally the sound guy cuts it up for me.
Well, I can tell you that Mark, despite the fear,
he did manage to place a single small pebble in the uninflated balloon.
But then he did get it inflated, so I think it's fine.
So the score so far is one very small pebble,
and Aisling got nine tomatoes, two breadsticks,
and a little bit of bread as well.
- Or a bruschetta. - A bruschetta.
Yes. It's break time.
My absolute favourite. See you again soon.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex Horne, would you please update me like a very good little boy?
I'll do my best.
So it's balloon-filling. Not an easy one, not as easy as it sounds.
We're gonna see Bob and Sally now.
Well, Bob Mortimer probably got a penguin in it.
Maybe... I can repair a balloon.
So I could cut the balloon...
Am I allowed to have these thoughts?
[Alex] You can have whatever thoughts you want, Bob.
And you're not gonna advise me in any way. I appreciate that.
You're not that type of guy.
Well, I don't think the sofa's gonna fit.
So maybe I'll just work down from the sofa.
Pineapple's a strong contender.
The bell jar's slightly bigger than the pineapple, is it?
And I've also brought a vine, which is quite a big concept.
That's not as stretchy as I was hoping.
Little out of practice with this kind of thing.
It's just like reverse childbirth, right?
- Getting the baby into the Femidom. - [laughter]
Put the biggest thing inside it.
Could that thing be liquid?
There's taps here and that, isn't there?
Plenty of taps.
Slippy hands.
It's a shame the task wasn't "make a good noise".
[Alex] 15 seconds.
I'm not gonna do it.
Three, two, one...
[blows whistle]
I didn't tie it.
Let's get the concept of a vine.
- [laughter] - [whistle blows]
[Alex] Bigger than your head? Are you saying that's...?
Yeah, certainly bigger than my brain.
[she laughs]
[applause]
I've never seen a de-escalation like that before.
Your initial opening was sofa.
You went sofa, bell jar, little wooden man,
bunch of grapes.
[laughter]
Can I say, Taskmaster, I'm a little bit, like, fed up.
Do you know, because...
I don't believe Sally blew her balloon up.
I did!
We never have controversy on this show. This is awesome.
What are you complaining about, Bob? Because Sally's balloon went down.
No, it's just that my only problem was tying the balloon.
I would say, Bob, that it says "inflate", which is from the Latin...
fiatare, which means "to blow".
So one could say that water didn't... I mean, if we're being pedantic.
Well, if we're being pedantic, you put some grapes in it and didn't blow it up.
[laughter and applause]
I don't think, Bob, that it said anywhere that you
weren't allowed to ask someone else to tie it up.
No, and all I'm saying is, I don't want any credit for it,
I just wanted to say I'm fed up.
[laughter]
I think he's right to be fed up. I also feel fed up.
Right, having said that, the two people who can't
blow or tie up balloons are now in the lead.
- [Greg] OK. - Yes!
Up next, it's...
It's Nish.
[laughter]
What about this stone?
The problem, really, here, is the balloon.
If it was just a task of "find a big thing"...
it'd be so easy.
Let's try a smaller stone.
Straight in.
Right, just a series of stones.
I wonder if that constitutes an object.
[Alex] I'd say a pile of stones.
A pile of stones. There we go.
How many constitutes a pile of stones, do you reckon?
[Alex] A hundred.
- [laughter] - Let's get another stone in there.
Come on, you stony shit.
And another stone.
Now they're just slippin' down.
It's like a bag of change from a medieval film.
[Alex] Two minutes, Nish.
Oh, God. OK.
Not quite.
[audience groans]
[whistle blows]
- [laughter] - [he laughs]
[Alex] Thank you, Nish.
[applause]
See you later.
[applause]
I don't think it'd be uncharitable to say that
Nish has done fabulously badly across the series.
Yeah.
I really felt like this was your big chance, mate.
You know, simple thing.
The way that these all keep getting put together is, they go,
"And now here's all the people who are still in the game."
"And now Nish!"
- [laughter] - Now Nish, yeah.
So, lovely. Unfortunately, we've got to go by the literal rules of the game.
So you can just tell us who successfully blew up the balloon,
and who got the biggest thing in it.
Weirdly, the bruschetta wins it.
- Oh! - So Aisling gets five points.
[cheers and applause]
And Mark gets four points for a very small pebble
- in a balloon. - Done by somebody else.
That does mean, scoreboard-wise, Aisling is now in the lead,
and Nish is, er, last.
- Ah! - [Greg] Oh!
[applause]
What's next, Alex?
Well, we've got another task, and...
This one's gonna have everyone gossiping in the office about it tomorrow.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
Hmmm.
Hrm, hrm, hrm.
[Alex] Hi, Bob!
Hello!
Right, so...
What do we have here?
"Generate a water cooler moment involving this water cooler."
"Most remarkable water cooler moment wins."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
[he laughs]
So I've got to come up with something that's gonna get people talking.
And a "water cooler moment" we're defining as something
that people talk about around a water cooler.
I've never actually had a water cooler moment.
I'm a water cooler virgin.
Good luck, Alex.
- Thank you, Bob. - Thank you.
[applause]
Alright, we're looking for a water cooler moment.
It's like a segment in a TV show that's worth discussing the next day,
- especially in the workplace. - Thank you for defining that.
We're gonna start with Bob's water cooler moment.
Right, here it is.
[he whistles]
Oh, look. Somebody's left their Royal Gala apple
on the water cooler.
So what I'll do for you is I'll rip this into two perfect halves
using my bare hands.
I'll just rotate it for you slowly,
so you can see it's a perfectly normal
untamperèd-with apple.
[laughter]
It's gonna blow.
- Oh, it's so close! - [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Well, there you go. - Love it!
I mean, Jesus Christ, it's incredible, isn't it?
It's something I can do.
I've recently learnt how to peel a hard-boiled egg
in one piece, but I didn't have that skill when we filmed this.
So you're just always evolving.
Well, I now have two skills of which I'm proud.
You're like the worst superhero of all time.
Bob, it's absolutely incredible.
I've actually seen it before. I've been on a TV show with you.
- Oh, you were there. Yes! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I'm still amazed.
- That's the thing I can do. - That's how powerful it is.
So Bob did do that before on Would I Lie to You?
and that moment went viral.
So, I mean, that was exactly an example of a water cooler moment.
It was.
[Alex] There are 500,000 hits of you...
Shit!
...doing the apple. Yeah.
Really?
- [Greg] Yeah. - [Alex] Yeah.
Who's next?
Well, Aisling next.
OK then, let's do it.
Whoa, this boat.
- [laughter] - I don't wanna go overboard.
Whoa... Whoa!
- [she screams] - [laughter]
[laughter and applause]
I meant to do that.
Water.
Cooler.
Moments.
That's me. That's...
[Alex] Great stuff, Aisling. Thank you.
No, thank you, Alex.
[applause]
I forgot that happened.
Yeah, no, you capsized on a driveway.
- Yeah, I did. - [laughter]
I mean, honestly, the literal interpretation of the task,
I was like, "Eh, this is OK."
When it all went wrong for you, now that's a water cooler moment.
I'm glad.
Yeah. Bob asked me why I was fishing.
I was fishing for a moment.
By the way, I can see they're, like, Galaxy.
They're not actual Moments.
- We tried to find Moments. - They were discontinued in the 90s.
- [laughter] - Yeah, I'm disappointed that happened.
Yeah, well, I'm not.
I thought it was, um, tremendous,
and I enjoyed watching you in a small plastic boat.
Pffffbt.
There was some accidental water cooler...
Yes?
...shiz, I'm gonna say.
- So I'm down with the kids. - OK. When are you gonna say it?
- You've said it, haven't you? - I'll say it again.
When you're not expecting it.
- OK. - Shiz.
- I wasn't expecting that! - Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna see one more before the break.
Um, I think you'll enjoy it, Greg.
This is Sally Phillips's water cooler moment.
- [caravan creaking] - [Sally moaning]
- [sultry music plays] - [ecstatic cries]
[laughter]
[water sloshing]
[Sally's cries continue]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Your water cooler moment...
Well, it was fucking a water cooler, wasn't it?
- [laughter] - Yeah.
I didn't have a better idea.
No, you didn't.
And I kept saying, "I probably shouldn't do this."
And then you guys, like a whole ring of men,
going, "No, I think you probably should."
- Yeah, I bet they were. - [laughter]
"Ring of men" sounds...
Yeah.
And then once I'd established that as a kind of theme for the show,
but now we're into episode five, it's kind of almost dull that I did that.
Not for me, not for me.
I don't think anyone found it dull, Sally.
- [Greg] No, it was incredible. - It was definitely unexpected.
Gosh, yeah, and quite a climax to the whole...
[laughter]
I think we all need to calm down a little bit and take a break.
We'll see you in a few sex. Seconds. Secs.
[laughter]
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, I was having a moment.
Yes, a water cooler moment.
Bob broke an apple, Aisling cracked a cooler,
and Sally popped a cherry. Next up...
[laughter]
Next up, and let's not forget,
there's a chance he's done exactly the same as Sally,
it's Mark Watson.
[laughter]
Uh...
Write on this the general idea.
I'm gonna call it the Watson Cooler.
I sent a Twitter message out, saying can anyone come
within the next half-hour and collect this.
So this gentleman called Mark, he'll take it,
and we just have to see what happens after that.
OK, well, we just wait for the man.
Here he comes.
Hello, mate.
- Thanks very much for coming at no notice. - No worries.
What I want is to create a kind of chain of positivity
by as many people as possible writing nice messages,
and there's all round the other side as well.
And passing it one person at a time...
Right.
...as far as possible around the country.
OK.
Don't quite know how the top comes off this.
But, yeah, there we go.
Shame to waste all this water, but I suppose if we do it over there,
then the old tree will grow a bit more.
If you can jam that in your car any way you can.
- Good luck, Mark. - Cool, thank you very much.
- I'll stay in touch. - No worries.
We'll see what happens, but at the very least,
I trust him to move it on to someone else.
[Alex] At the very least, you've given someone a water cooler.
[laughter]
[applause]
Do you want to see how far the water cooler went?
Yeah, yeah.
We're all expecting it to be pretty impressive.
Yeah.
Well, OK, if we start on the graphic of the globe.
[laughter]
We do have to zoom in slightly, just to register it first.
But we'll see where it started off. It started off there at the Taskmaster house.
Yeah.
It then went to this man called Mark in south-west London.
It stayed it south-west London, it went to south London,
and then it went to south-east London.
Wow.
And that's where it stopped. So it's not...
[laughter]
It went 33 miles in five months.
It would've been faster if it had just rolled.
[laughter]
Which was my plan B actually, yeah.
[laughter]
Well, there's one person left. It's Nish.
[Greg] It's Last Place Kumar!
You know what they say, Gregory.
Let's save the best till Nish.
[laughter]
[spaghetti western music plays]
[laughter]
[applause]
[cheers and applause]
OK, and this is saying a lot,
in slow motion, that's one of the shittest things I've ever seen.
- Can we actually see it in...? - In real time?
- Oh, no!
[laughter]
It doesn't get better for you, Nish. It doesn't get better.
[he screams]
[laughter and applause]
And at the time, at the time you were so pleased.
You were so pleased when you did it.
Again, ambition did not quite match result.
Well, in that, your foot went no higher
than if you'd just walked past the water cooler.
There's a lot to unpick, and you've got to do that with numbers.
OK, I'm gonna do it really quickly.
There is no denying that, in five months,
moving a water cooler two miles is rubbish.
So I'm sorry, Mark. You must go there.
The literal interpretation means that, unfortunately,
- Aisling has to come in next. - Ah, balls.
I'm gonna put Bob next, not 'cause it's not brilliant,
just 'cause 500,000 people have already seen him rip an apple.
So he's gonna have to bring his egg game next time.
And this is gonna amaze you.
You know, that was so shit...
that I feel people will be talking about it.
So Kumar, through his own shitness, has come second for the first time.
Yes!
[cheers and applause]
And I don't think there is any need for me to tell you
- why Sally Phillips came first. - [laughter]
Well, came first? Did she? Who knows.
[Greg] Sally Phillips is the winner of that!
[cheers and applause]
Alex Horne, what is next?
Well, we've seen Mark with these tactics of taking his time
and really throwing himself into a task with research.
So we thought we would make the most of that
aspect of your character by setting you
your own special task, which you didn't know...
- [laughter] - What?
We set you, and only you, this task.
Oh, hi, Alex.
[Alex] Oh. Hello, Mark.
In the old lab.
A phone, an old phone.
[he laughs]
Er...
"Send the Taskmaster...
an anonymous cheeky text message...
every single day for the next five months."
[laughter]
- [Alex] 150. - 150, yeah. 150 texts.
[laughter and applause]
N-nobody else was doing it?
[Alex] Nope.
This task has overshadowed five months of my life.
[laughter]
And his.
I mean, it's interesting, isn't it,
that Alex, when he set the task on my behalf,
thought to give you a fake phone,
but thought it was OK to give you my real number.
[laughter]
I'm really sorry.
Every day you got a little text.
Every single day.
For five months.
And I'm such a needy human being
that literally every night, my phone went "beep beep"
and I went, "Ooh, who's texted me?"
- I didn't think it was Mark coming onto me! - I didn't think I was really texting him!
[laughter]
The most disappointing thing is, I really did put a lot of effort into it.
If no one else was doing it, presumably there's no points available.
Well, I've got the effort you put in here.
This is your Cheeky Texts by Mark Watson.
- [laughter] - There's one on every page.
And the first, the first one's not bad.
They're cheeky, remember?
"Hey, sexy. Just getting in touch."
"This is the first of 150 messages."
"You're in for a treat."
[laughter]
That is quite cheeky, but look how...
I'm not very far into the book, now, of your 150 texts.
And yet, page 12.
"I have a big dick."
[laughter]
It's cheeky, isn't it? Very cheeky.
Is that cheeky?
[laughter]
I think it's the sort of edgier side of cheeky, yeah.
There are different sorts of cheeky, as well.
You said, "Can you lend me 50 quid?"
[laughter]
"Cheeky" could... You know, I thought it might just mean impertinent.
Are you gonna give him a point?
You asked him to do 150. He did 148.
Oh, then I can give him no points.
- [laughter] - [audience groans]
Oh, no! What a shame!
[applause]
What a terrible waste of time.
It is awful...
but honestly, I have got five months of irritation bubbling up here,
and the fact that I'm not gonna give you a single point for that...
[audience] Awww!
You can kiss my ass, all of you.
I'm devastated it was just me,
and I'm absolutely shattered to get no points
out of something which, genuinely,
if I look back on this calendar year,
it's one of the major things I've done with it.
[laughter and applause]
Can we have something less irritating, for me and for Mark?
[Alex] OK, here we go.
This is the next task. Let's move on.
This is like a Bergman film.
Would you like to stand in my... ring?
[laughter]
Would you mind standing in my noose?
Not at all. Whe-ew!
OK, that's perfect. How do you feel?
Fine.
I used to tether my donkey like this.
[Alex] I know.
To keep it out of the kitchen.
That's nicely on, isn't it?
Thank you, Mark.
- No problem at all. - The task is in the trolley.
"Make the tallest tower of cans on this table."
"Highest tower wins."
"Also, whilst building your tower, you must shake Alex's hand..."
"...and say you're from a different country..."
"...once every ten seconds."
"Alex will blow his whistle every ten seconds."
"Your time ends when you fail to shake Alex's hand..."
"...and say you're from a different country before Alex blows his whistle."
I'm gonna blow the whistle, so before it blows again,
you've got to come and shake my hand and say you're from a different country.
"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."
Wait, wait, wait.
That's fallen over.
[Alex] Oh, yeah.
[applause]
Whilst building a stack of cans, they had to come and shake my hand
and say they were from a different country every ten seconds.
They couldn't just say the line, "I'm from a different country."
They actually had to say the name of a country each time.
- Do you want to start with Aisling? - Oh, God, yes.
OK.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
So every ten seconds, I'm gonna blow it. Good luck.
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
What?! No!
No, no, no, no, no!
No!
No-o-o!
- OK, Aisling. - No!
No!
[applause]
How was I supposed to know?
I got the-- We kept going for so long!
A long time. I know, I know, I know.
We kept going so fucking long!
There were tins of beans! "Hello, I'm from Portugal!"
"Hello, I'm from Guadalajara!"
"Hello, I'm from the Ukraine!"
[Alex] I know, I know.
[laughter]
It wasn't till we watched it back that we
realised you missed the very first one.
I'm... I...
How many countries did I say? I was so proud of myself.
- Sixty-one. - Sixty-one!
[audience gasps]
Sixty-one countries.
You got it up to ten high at one point,
and I thought you'd done very well,
but we had to look at the footage,
and you didn't-- So, one. One can is what you scored.
[audience] Awww!
Oh, that's good. One's better than getting no points at all, isn't it?
[laughter]
Unlucky, Aisling. You know, good try.
Here's Bob's go.
OK.
Was there anything in there that said I had to keep this?
All the information is on the task, Bob.
Seemingly not.
[blows whistle]
Just do that a bit sexy for you.
Hello, Alex. I'm from Canada.
[whistle blows]
Hello, Alex. I'm from Greenland.
Hello.
[whistle blows]
- Hello, Alex. I'm from Russia. - [blows whistle]
Oh, that was close, Bob. That was close.
I knew I had a bit of leeway 'cause it was Russia.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
Argh! No, I'm alright.
I don't think you are, Bob.
There you are, then.
[Bob] One, two, three, four, five, six.
[Alex] Yes, there they are.
- Thanks, Bob. - Thank you.
[applause]
That was a tricky-- It looks easy.
It's a tricky task.
- Yeah. - I found it tricky.
You found it very tricky.
- Yeah, I did. - [laughter]
It was tricky. You unshackled yourself, and that was fine.
- It never said you can't take the rope off. - Oh, what?!
[laughter]
I don't know that it really helped, did it?
Imagine reading the rules in a very pedantic way
and using it to your own advantage.
[laughter]
You only said three countries. We showed what you said.
You said Canada, Russia and Greenland.
- But you got the cans six high, so... - [Greg whistles]
- Very high. - I'm alright with that, for sure.
- Do you wanna see Mark and Nish? - Yes, please.
Ah, Losers' Corner!
Can I just think about this for a second?
Not really. [blows whistle]
[laughter]
Hello. I come from Chad.
Hi, I'm from Albania.
Oh, hello.
[whistle blows]
Botswana.
Chile.
Democratic Republic of Congo.
Finland.
OK.
Couldn't think of one beginning with E?
[whistle blows]
I'm from Slovakia.
From India.
Nope.
I'm from Croatia.
- Struggling a bit. - [whistle blows]
Djibouti.
From Hungary.
I'm from Liberia!
- [whistle blows] - Kenya.
From Georgia.
Lithuania is where I'm from.
Japan.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
- [audience groans] - Piss and shit!
[whistle blows]
Hello, I'm from Switzerland.
[whistle blows]
Oh, I'm gonna kill you!
From Uruguay.
- [whistle blows] - [Nish yells]
I'm from South Korea.
- [whistle blows] - North Korea.
- [whistle blows] - Zimbabwe!
[whistle blows]
- I'm afraid that's two whistles in a row. - [frustrated yell]
[Alex] Five high.
- [whistle blows] - Ah.
[Alex] Six?
- That'll have to do then, yeah. - Yeah.
Does it also count that I also made some subsidiary towers?
- [laughter] - Do you want it to count?
I've made sort of a complex.
[Alex] It's not very complex.
Peace out, my brother.
[Alex] Goodbye.
[applause]
- Not bad. - I felt bad.
Do you feel like your knowledge of countries
was let down by your physical dexterity, Mark?
A lot of things are let down by my physical dexterity, yeah.
I think that was the vibe with me, as well,
'cause I actually hit on a revolutionary system.
I did the whole alphabet but with a different country for...
That's really clever, yeah.
- He got 25 countries. - [Nish] Yeah, 25 countries.
And five cans. One less than Bob, who said three countries.
[laughter]
Well, Mark said an impressive 92 countries.
- [Bob] Wow! - The fuck?!
And how many cans?
Er, six cans, exactly the same as Bob.
[laughter]
Was it really 92 countries?
Yeah, half the countries of the world.
[laughter and applause]
OK, look. Sally's attempt is still to come.
Did she have it off with a trolley full of cans?
Let's find out after the break.
Hello!
Join us for part four of Taskmaster.
- Alex? - Greg.
So, our contestants are trying to stack cans whilst naming countries.
Quick reminder, it had to be a different country every time,
and it did have to be a country, not just a place.
Next up, Sally Phillips, who graduated from
Oxford University with a first-class degree
and in Modern Languages.
Here is Sally's attempt.
[Alex] So your time starts...
[whistle blows]
Oh, you...
buggers.
[with accent] I am from Italy.
[with accent] From Australia.
[with accent] From Italy.
[BUZZER]
From Alaska.
[BUZZER]
Abu Dhabi.
- [BUZZER] - Abu Dhabi?
Abu Dhabi.
[whistle blows]
- From Dubai. - [BUZZER]
Beirut.
[BUZZER]
Ooh.
From, er... er...
- Kuala Lumpur. - [BUZZER]
Portugal.
- Portugal. - [BUZZER]
Poland.
Denmark.
Georgia.
- Poland. - [BUZZER]
- Denmark. - [BUZZER]
- Georgia. - [BUZZER]
- Doha. - [BUZZER]
Please, God, let that be a country.
[laughter]
- Um, ah... - [whistle blows]
- Oh. - Oh!
[applause]
Yeah, it's a high-rise building.
But I said all those things twice.
You did, but you were on such a roll, we just let you...
Really?
[laughter and applause]
Wow.
I liked that you did the accent of the first three countries.
But the third was Italy. You'd done Italy.
[laughter]
Oh, man. Well, let's talk about some points.
Sally, you got to a total of eight cans,
but by your first mistake, there were two cans high,
so you came second last.
It was one point to Aisling, two to Sally,
three to Nish, and then joint first with five points each, Bob and Mark.
Bang!
[cheers and applause]
Can we have a look at the scoreboard, Alex?
Yes, I mean, the good news is, it's very close.
Obviously, Nish is last, but above them...
Above them, just two points separating them, we can see them there.
[Alex] Yeah, close.
[applause]
OK, can everyone please stand up?
And then sit down again.
Because tonight, just for a change,
please don't make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.
[audience] Oooh!
Whoa, it's ghosts!
[eerie sci-fi music plays]
[Greg] People.
Five people.
What could it possibly mean?
[dramatic music]
Alex, could you please give Nish the task to open?
OK. That's for you, Nish.
Good luck.
Nice and clear, please, Nish.
Why are they all white people?
[laughter]
"Find the Finns."
"You may each ask one question to one person."
"Your question must not pertain to the nationality of the people."
"You must then write which number you think is a Finn."
"Most accurate Finn-finder wins."
[laughter]
Well read. Really good reading.
- Yeah, thanks a lot. - Thank you.
Is this some kind of Brexit thing?
- Are we now rooting out Europeans? - [laughter]
We're gonna go left to right, so Aisling, you get to go first.
Who would you like to ask your question to?
Um, number four.
Could you please repeat to me, "Mary Had a Little Lamb"?
The whole thing.
Mary had a little lamb.
No, no, no, not that. The whole song.
That's all I know.
[Nish] Because he's from Finland!
Four is from Finland.
[Alex] OK.
So that's a point for everybody.
[laughter]
Bob, who do you want to ask a question to?
I'd like to ask my question of number two, please.
That's fine.
Hi there.
Have you ever seen, or eaten, a wind-dried puffin?
[laughter]
- Sorry, I couldn't hear. - No.
[Greg whistles]
OK, Mark. Your turn.
Number four, can you name five cities in Finland?
Er, Helsinki.
Tampere.
[laughter]
Hämeenlinna.
What was that last one?
Hamelino?
Listen, will you? Hamenina.
[laughter]
Rovaniemi.
[laughter]
Jämsä.
[Alex] OK.
I thought Jämsä was more of a small village, but OK.
[laughter]
So, Nish, it's your turn.
Number three,
in... four words or more...
How do you feel about the nation of Sweden?
[laughter]
It's a lovely country.
Very interesting, number three. Thank you for your time.
[laughter]
So the final question to Sally.
I'm going to ask number five.
Could you say for me, in Finnish,
"Would you like a threesome. You, me and a water cooler?"
[laughter]
[she speaks Finnish]
[laughter and applause]
As they say in Finland, let's party.
[laughter]
So we haven't heard from number one,
but you need to write down on your cards
the numbers that you think are from Finland.
And in a second, the Finns will cross the Finnish line.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man.
- [laughter] - OK, so, Sally.
Which numbers do you think are Finns?
One, three and five.
- One, three and five. - [Greg] God, that was confident.
Nish?
I've got four, five and three.
So we've got two threes, two fives, a one and a four.
Mark?
Four and five, but who knows what the fucking truth is?
- [laughter] - [Alex] I know. Bob?
One, five, three.
[Alex] The same as Sally. Aisling?
I've done three, four and five.
OK, so four of you think three of them are Finns.
One of you thinks two of them are Finns.
That is statistics that I enjoy, that no one else will.
[laughter]
May the Finns cross the Finnish line?
[cheers and applause]
We do have a Swede, a German, a Swede,
and then we have Antti and Anniina.
Give them a round of applause.
[applause]
OK, Alex, I would love to hear the final scores.
Absolutely love to.
OK. Well, just to say that in that task, Bob and Sally came joint fourth,
so get two points each.
Aisling and Nish, they were lämpimämpi,
which is genuinely Finnish for warm.
So they get four points each.
- Mark gets five points... - OK.
...which means that the final scores
looks like this.
[cheers and applause]
That does seem fairer. Both ends of the scale.
Huge congratulations to Mark.
Please will you head the heck up there and
collect your well-deserved high-octane belongings!
[cheers and applause]
What are you doing?
I'm sending you a cheeky little text.
[laughter]
Here's a thought. Instead of getting a drink from your water cooler
when you go to work on Monday,
why not kick it and then bang it?
[laughter and applause]
Let's hear it one more time for tonight's winner, Mr Mark Watson!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much for believing in me.
Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]