Thank you.
Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
It's still too early to tell which of our five comedic competitors
is gonna take home this... bacon-flavoured trophy.
But it's not too early to introduce them
and begin their ritualistic humiliation process.
So here they are and these are their names. Please welcome...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And just pulling up next to me...
Oh, who's this?
Brum, brum, brum, brum... He's parked!
It's little Alex Hooorne!
[cheers and applause]
Hello, Greg.
- Here I am. - Hi.
I'm in a very good mood today.
Good.
Do you want to know why?
- [laughter] - Yes, I do.
It's because I've rented a cape.
[laughter]
- You rented one? - Mm-hm.
You didn't think to buy one?
- Have you seen the prices? - Are they bad, capes, are they?
Yeah.
So, later on, I might put the cape on.
- Yeah. - OK.
[laughter]
[Greg] What do I say to that?
What's that for a banter kicking-off point?
[laughter]
We have to start the show now.
Of course we do. So, it's time for the prize task,
and this week, the players are playing for a proper bonus at the end of the show,
because this week, we've asked them to bring in the most magnificent day trip.
- Ooh. - Ooh!
[audience] Ooh!
Whoever suggests the best day trip will win the best five points of the show.
The person with the most points at the end of the episode
will need to find five free days in their busy schedules to have...
a great day out at the expense of their rivals. OK?
This week, I'm going to start with...
O-o-oh, Russell Howard.
[Greg] What day trip have you purchased?
Well, it's two-fold. You'll be spending the day with my mum,
and you'll be going to Aqualand in Benidorm. Now...
- [audience] Wooo. - Yes.
- Honestly, it looks like we have a winner. - [Russell] Yeah.
- [laughter] - If I'm judging.
Who doesn't like an aquapark?
Correct.
- There it is. - Wow.
[everyone gasps]
[Russell] Yeah, I mean, that's a quiet day.
[laughter]
If you go over here, if we had sort of Google Earth,
you could flip it and you'd see a ride called the Yellow Peril,
which is the scariest of all the rides.
Because instead of water, they use piss, right?
- Yeah, yeah. - [laughter]
That's gonna take some beating, as far as I'm concerned,
- but we ought to move on. - OK.
Liza Tarbuck, welcome to the show.
Thanks.
Tell me about your day trip.
So I'm gonna collect you - one - by a car,
natch.
And then you'll be taken to a master tailor's,
Mr Tim Everest, in central London,
where he will measure you up for a good smart coat,
- 'cause everyone needs one. - [Asim] Or a cape.
No, a coat.
The tailor, Timothy Everest, it says...
Vogue says he's dressed some of the world's most famous people,
so he'll be broadening his range.
[laughter]
And then when we've done all of that,
we'll be met by a Blue Plaque walking tour person,
who will take us around that particular area of London,
pointing out such interesting facts as, "This is where Jimi Hendrix lived."
And then we'll have a nice late lunch, early supper with four mystery guests
in a top London eatery, and I'll pack you off home after that.
See ya!
- Are there any log flumes on the journey? - No, not even one.
Well, then you're gonna have to entice us with who the mystery guests are.
No.
- [laughter] - Depends who won it.
Ahh!
I'd suit guests accordingly.
OK. Oh, so they're not fixed mystery guests?
Two people would have to be in the country, as well. It's international.
Yeah.
It sounds like a rarefied trip and no mistake.
Asim, what's your day trip?
My thing is basically I like to go to, like, museums and shit.
I went to Barcelona and I went to, like, a Gaudi museum.
Cultured, I know.
- [Greg] Yeah. - I'm very cultured.
And I just took pictures of me doing stupid shit around museums.
So, like, there was a painting of Hercules
and I looked exactly, like, physique-wise, exactly the same.
- [laughter] - [Liza] That's good!
But I mean, like, look at the width.
- Look at the girth, yeah? - [someone wolf-whistles]
Look at that.
That's what it'll be, we'll just go around, have a lovely day.
We'll get a kebab afterwards.
[laughter]
- It's alright, isn't it? - It's alright.
It's not bad.
Alice, what's your day trip?
So, my day trip is a travel card
Zones 1 to 6.
[laughter]
You can go to the farthest reaches. Look at that.
635 stops at your disposal.
Do you like maroon? Go on the Metropolitan line.
[laughter]
Can I check some details? How many stops did you say there were?
I think it's 635.
- 270. - 270, yeah.
It kind of averages out at that, yeah.
Er, Tim?
First of all, we go to a place just off the A3,
which is a crazy golf course called Jurassic Encounters.
And it's crazy golf and you're surrounded by model dinosaurs.
Then we go to lunch in Cheam Village, which is my hometown.
Right.
And we go to a small burger restaurant called The American Way,
and they have a radio station that plays in The American Way,
called American Waydio.
[laughter]
Guess who the DJ is?
[laughter]
There's also a burger named after me. Well, not named after me...
I've got that as well, if you wanna...
It's called the You Must Be Joking Burger,
as recommended by Tim Vine.
Then we go to Sutton United, which is not far away,
and we take free kicks and penalties against their reserve goalkeeper...
if he's available.
[laughter]
Well, there we go, Greg.
So... we know who's last.
- Asim... - [Asim] What?
It seems to me that you just went on a trip to Barcelona,
and you've tried to frill it up by offering "fucking about in museums."
And I didn't buy it, so I'm putting him in second to last place.
You'll notice I'm not even mentioning Alice.
- [Alex] Yes. - [laughter]
I really struggled between Russell and Liza for third place.
- The reason I'm giving to poor Russell... - You're saying three points to Russell?
- Four points to Liza? - I'm giving him three because...
Liza pulled me in with her mystery guest thing.
- [Alex] OK. - They could be anyone.
- They might be awful. - They could be someone I love.
And because it's so specific,
and tragic...
[laughter]
I'm giving five points to the king of Cheam.
- [Alex] Five points to Tim Vine! - [cheers and applause]
Right then, what's the first task proper, please, Alex?
Here it comes, so tuck yourselves in,
grab a cup of cocoa and sleep tight.
- Hmm. - [Alex] Hello, Alice.
Bella.
- How are you doing? - [Alex] Me?
- Yeah. - Good. Why?
- Just asking. - OK.
"Write, illustrate and read out a bedtime story for grown-ups."
"Your bedtime story for grown-ups maybe be no more or fewer than 50 words."
"Most engrossing bedtime story for grown-ups wins."
"You have one hour. Your time starts... now."
Love it.
That's brilliant.
Well, this is right up my street.
Right up my street.
[Alex] Would you like any pens?
I'd like some pencils and pens.
And a side of attitude, apparently.
Erm...
[laughter and applause]
I imagine that was quite intimidating, wasn't it?
Yeah, I feel victimised...
- Yeah, yeah. - ...actually.
- We'll fill out a form together. - Thank you.
[laughter]
I immediately feel better. [she laughs]
So, first up, with an alternative take on the classic fairytale,
it's Vine. Alice Le-vine.
[laughter]
[she yawns] It's been a long day, hasn't it?
Shall we read a bedtime story?
I'm Alice Levine.
And this is A "Grown-up" Alphabet Book.
"Once upon a time, you became a grown-up,
which can be a bit rubbish,
but does mean you now get to use some useful words."
"Kinda."
"Asshole."
[donkey brays]
"Bellend."
[bell rings]
"Cocknose."
"Dickweed."
"Erection, Fanny, Gobshite."
[laughter]
"Handjob."
"Ipsism, Jerk, Knobhead."
"Lameass."
"Muff."
"Nuts."
"Orgasm."
"Piss."
"Quim."
"Rufty."
"Shitbag, Twat, Underwear."
"Vjayjay."
"Wanker, X-Rated, Yanking."
"Zack."
- [laughter] - Night-night.
[applause]
Just being devil's advocate, was it a story?
I think, in a bookshop, that would be in the storybook area.
I... disagree.
[laughter]
I thought you'd be way more impressed with that.
No, no. Well, it's better than the Tube ticket.
[laughter]
- Liza, ready? - Yeah.
OK, this is Liza Tarbuck's story.
"This is a story about a scatter-brained man."
"There was once a scatter-brained man."
"He was very good at his job,
but not very good at looking after himself."
"One day, he was hungry,
and remembered an old prawn sandwich
in his car."
[laughter]
"He shat himself... inside out."
[applause]
"You made some excellent choices today."
"Well done."
[laughter and applause]
Thank you. I'm obsessed with fonts. I am.
The artwork was lovely.
- The presentation... - [Russell] Oh!
...was overwhelming, 'cause I found, watching it,
that I just wanted to snuggle up at your feet.
[laughter]
Like a big old cat.
Steady.
[laughter]
I'm afraid I have to tell you that part one is now dead.
You have three minutes to mourn its death,
and then chin up! Here comes part two.
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster, series six, episode three.
If you're unaware of what's currently going on,
a 39-year-old man who's hired a cape...
[laughter]
...against my will, is about to fill you in.
In the sadly departed part one, we saw Alice and Liza's fairytales.
Liza's was a touchingly haunting and educational tale
about the potentially disastrous consequences
of bad sandwich management.
And Alice told us a dirty version of the alphabet.
Next up, it's Asim.
- Asim. - Asim!
Hey!
[he laughs]
Hi, grown-up children.
My name's Asim Chaudhry and I'm gonna tell you a little story.
It's called Upset Tummy, AKA The Shits, based on real events.
"It was a rainy night."
"Asim had his big umbrella."
"He wanted a little bite..."
"Decided on fish paella." [he chuckles]
"Monkfish, mussels, crayfish and prawn."
"Washed it down with a Baileys."
"His anus was torn."
[laughter]
"Neighbour complaining. Asim said, 'Sorry, miss!'"
"He had an upset tummy."
"Vomiting, shitting, from every orifice."
- [laughter] - "The end."
[he sighs] Watch out for that fish, guys.
[applause]
I believe I'm correct in saying that on that day,
you did actually have the shits.
I had, yeah. Literally, I had the shits, and I thought,
you know they say, "Write about what you know."
- Yeah. - [laughter]
I knew that I had the shits.
[laughter]
How brave he brought in rhyming.
Well, you know, I used to rap and shit, so...
- Yeah. - [laughter]
- He went for paella and umbre-ya. - Yeah.
[laughter]
- Like Rihanna. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also worth mentioning the very big umbrella.
- I mean, crazy big umbrella. - Oh, very big.
- I mean, colourful. - Thank you.
- Engaging. - Thank you.
- It rhymed. - Thank you.
WOO!
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
[laughter]
I nearly shat myself again, then.
Fuckin' hell.
There's two people left. We're gonna see Tim Vine's first of all.
- Ready for Tim's? - Hope it's about pooing!
[laughter]
[he sighs]
Oh, hello! I'm Tim Vine,
and I've got a story for all you children and grown-ups.
"Benny the Toad."
"Benny had a music exam, but his clarinet reed was broken."
"Susan Carrot couldn't help."
"Then, Ed the Potato Peeler arrived."
"Through a process of hollowing and scraping,
Ed turned Susan into a clarinet reed."
[laughter]
"Benny got A in his exam."
"Cooperation is everything. Vote Green Party."
[laughter and applause]
Daring to make a political statement
at the end of a children's story.
It was sort of 'cause I realised, as I got to the end,
there needed to be some adult content.
[laughter]
Someone was harmed in it.
- Susan. - Susan, thank you.
I think if you look at the last picture,
Susan is in the place of the clarinet reed,
and has still got a smiley face.
[Greg] Would that translate into the real world,
if someone was graphically mutilated?
Well, I suppose not all fiction...
is repeatable in the real world.
[Greg] No.
What?
I didn't know what I meant by that, either.
- [laughter] - Vote Green Party!
[laughter]
Who's left? It's horny Russell Howard.
[laughter]
Here he is. Russell Howard.
Hello, adults. I'm Russell Howard.
This... is called Destiny.
"Alex's erection twitched as he watched Greg sleep."
"Suddenly, Bobby Davro burst in."
"'Fuck off!' roared Alex, grabbing the axe."
"He tossed Davro into the pit."
"'It'll happen!' screamed Michael Ball."
"'Yeah!' roared Sinitta. 'It's inevitable.'"
"'Never!' bellowed Alex, urinating on their faces."
"Greg would never do panto."
"Not never."
[laughter]
[applause]
I don't know what the hell's going on.
[laughter]
- You were asleep. - I was asleep.
Alex is a fan of yours. He was aroused.
Big fan.
He was sexually aroused watching me sleep.
- Yeah, and... - Feasible.
[laughter]
Alex threw Bobby Davro into a pit,
and there were lots of people from light entertainment
that were trying to drag you into their world.
OK.
But Alex urinated on them.
[laughter]
And saved the day.
- I bellowed at them, as well. - You did.
Which is not like you, is it?
- No, I've never bellowed. - I'd like to see you do a bellow, actually.
- OK. - Right now.
Stop!
[laughter and applause]
Never done one before.
[applause]
OK, do you want to start with one point?
Yes.
[laughter]
I thought there were some nice drawings, but you get one point. I'm really sorry.
So one point to Alice?
I'm only doing this to you, Tim, because I think that
you tried to save it with an adult theme right in the last minute.
'Cause I think that my nieces would enjoy your story of
clarinet-based mutilation.
- Two for Tim. - Yes.
I'm giving three points to two people,
because their stories were different,
but they were modern...
- [laughter] - ...and graphic,
and exciting.
So I'm giving three points to Russell,
and to Asim.
OK.
And the reason is I'm doing that is the most rounded adult tale,
- was ahead by a country mile. - OK.
That person is Liza Tarbuck.
[Alex] Liza Tarbuck gets five points!
[cheers and applause]
Hit me with your best scoreboard, Alex Horne.
OK, the first scoreboard of the episode looks like this.
Liza Tarbuck is in the lead with nine points.
- I like nine, I like nine. - [applause]
- There we go. - Very good.
On we go to the next task.
Very good. OK, roll VT. Here we go.
- Hi, babycakes. - Babycakes? OK.
- Alright, mate? - [Alex] Oh, hello.
- [Alex] Hello, Russell. - Hello.
Right.
To whom it may concern...
"Make something spin for the longest."
"Your thing must not be a person."
"You have ten minutes to prepare for your spin,
and one attempt at spinning."
"Your time starts now."
My first thoughts are, "Is that a sycamore tree?"
Spin...
Yeah, it is. I'm going in.
[applause]
OK, so just to say, they had ten minutes to start their spin.
They could only spin once.
If the spin carried on after the ten minutes had ended, that's fine,
but they had to stop assisting the spin.
But if it carried on spinning, that's fine. Ready?
- Yeah, that's clear. - Good.
[laughter]
We're gonna start by seeing Tim and Alice's spin attempts.
[Greg] Good!
"Make something spin for the longest."
No record player?
In theory, spinning a record is a thing that you do even with different technology.
It doesn't say I can't hold it, does it?
I'm gonna put... I'm gonna spin a record.
[Taskmaster theme plays]
It doesn't say I can't hold it. It just says...
- [Alex] Exactly. - Right.
Well, start please. Start, please, now.
[Alex] Start the timer? OK, go.
- Cold. - [Alex] Yes?
- [Alex] Is it spinning? - Yeah.
[Alex] Is it rolling?
It's spinning!
[Alex] Two minutes 15...
...to go.
- Is this your spin? - This is the spin.
- You have one attempt at spinning. - OK.
- I'm gonna time it. - For as long as poss?
For as long as possible.
[Alex] 45 seconds to go.
OK.
- OK, let's see how long your spin is. - OK.
[Alex] And you're gonna have to put it down on the whistle.
[whistle blows]
[laughter and applause]
That's gotta be... That felt like a minute and a half.
[Alex] OK. Thank you.
- OK, don't be long. - Goodbye.
[applause]
Sometimes people come from the back of the pack
and surge forward, don't they?
In any competition.
It's gonna start to look like I'm picking on Alice, but...
Did she physically spin a record? Was something spinning?
Well, she pressed play on the phone.
Right, OK. So she didn't.
[laughter]
The bottle spun for 2.2 seconds.
I will take that! That's better than I thought. OK.
Tim, I mean...
Is the ball spinning? That's the debate.
- Yes, it was spinning. - OK.
It can't help but spin. It's like the world, it's like the globe.
[Greg] It is like the globe.
Yeah, I recorded the time of three minutes 47,
before you let go of it, so three minutes 47 total.
It was a very good attempt.
And, uh, yours wasn't.
[laughter]
Good news for part three fans. It's coming up next.
Oh my!
And oh, hello.
It's part three and our five comics are playing for some day trips.
Mm-hm. They've been trying to make things spin, and so far,
with quite a small amount of success.
We've only seen Tim and Alice's attempts at this point,
so everyone's hopeful there's some more stimulating television to come.
Here are Asim and Liza doing the same task.
I mean, the obvious choice is that.
Right, I've got a few bits.
Got your tapes?
Yeah, I'm hoping for something good here.
[bicycle bell rings]
Yeah?
Ooh, look at that, actually.
- [laughter] - That's quite an interesting sort of...
"Ooh, don't do that to me! Ooh!"
I reckon...
wind that up, and just keep on winding it,
and then let it go and we'll record that.
I think that would be hard to beat.
It's just something to add a little bit of showbiz to the whole proceeding.
Ho ho! You're gonna love this.
[laughter]
Let's do it.
[Alex] I'm starting the clock now.
As long as it's spinning, it doesn't need to be too fast.
I don't want it to...
Hey, don't go bloody nuts, Liz!
[Alex] So, three minutes until it's got to do it by itself.
OK. Can you let me know, Alex,
- when there's 30 seconds left? - [Alex] Yes, I can.
So I've got a bit of an issue with the switch, haven't I?
[Alex] Well, you haven't stopped spinning yet.
Of course!
I forgot, one go.
[Alex] Ten seconds.
I need it to be... held up...
- [Asim grunts] - [whistle blows]
Oh, that's shit.
[laughter]
How the fuck did that happen?
[laughter]
- Well, thank you, Liza. - It's a pleasure.
[Alex] I will stay until the battery runs out.
I don't... [he sighs]
What happened?
- Thank you, Asim. - Thank you.
- You can go and rest. - Cheers. Ugh, fucking brakes.
[laughter]
[Liza] It is alarming, isn't it?
[applause]
I thought it was very interesting
that Alex said that you could go and rest afterwards.
I was fucking knackered after that.
I'm not surprised. It was all the excitement
of having a go on your big blue bike.
[laughter]
Already, we sort of feel like you're becoming our adopted son.
Well, I've got daddy issues,
so if you wanna be my dad, I'm all for it, mate.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
A beautiful thing.
[Alex sighs]
[cheers and applause]
This is the weirdest fucking family portrait
you will ever see in your life.
[Alex] I enjoyed that.
- [Greg] Have we still got that blue bike? - [Alex] Yes, it's your property.
I might give it to Asim.
- [audience] Awww. - Aww, dad.
Lovely, lovely attempt.
You messed it up by putting some pressure on the bike, of course,
- and braking. - Yeah, the brakes.
It was definitely spinning, that wheel, wasn't it?
How long was it spinning for?
Well, he was doing that for five minutes 57,
and then it carried on for about another two seconds,
'cause, as you said, the brakes were on.
- Yeah. - So it just stopped.
[Greg] Yeah.
That's why you found it so hard...
- Yeah. - [laughter]
Um, Liza, interesting.
Like this powerful Brownie leader, she went,
"Right, let's get this done!" and then...
you buggered a toy lizard...
[laughter]
...with a drill.
Jazz!
[she laughs] It looked great.
You popped a picture of me in its mouth and let it spin.
I'd been eyeballing that lizard for a while.
[laughter]
I'm so excited to hear the minute score,
because I know it's gonna be pretty colossal.
Yeah, the battery ran out... Well, it was the same length of time as Evil Dead II.
- [laughter] - What?
- 84 minutes, it span for. - Wow.
[Alex] It's a big one.
[Liza] Pretty good going. Thank you very much.
So there's one person left. It's Russell Howard's spin.
Here we go.
So I'm gonna put this tea towel in here.
Um, I'm gonna put it on a quick wash.
And, uh, get it spinning.
Hey, something's happening.
She's not spinning yet, Alex.
One thing I know about washing machines is that they are...
obsessed with spinning.
She's filling up. I mean, it says it's a quick wash, but this is taking ages.
But it hasn't started spinning ye-- There you go.
- [Alex] It's spinning, is it? - Uh-huh.
- OK, I've started the clock. - Like you've never seen.
Look at that.
- Oh, for fuck's sake. - Has it stopped?
- [laughter] - [Russell] Yeah.
Bollocks! I thought I'd absolutely smashed that.
Piece of shit.
That's really upset me, that has, Alex.
I had a good idea.
[Alex] It was a great idea, Russell.
[applause]
It was horrible.
Can't beat a genuine and heartfelt "for fuck's sake."
OK, Alice Levine, 2.2 seconds.
Russell, ten seconds.
Then we've got three points for Tim, with three minutes 47.
Four to Asim, but Liza gets the five points with 84 minutes!
[cheers and applause]
Alex, what's next?
It's your favourite sort of task, Greg.
It's a sort of gross-out task.
- I like them. - Mm-hm.
[laughter]
[baby laughs]
Hello, mate.
Oh, God.
Came through the door too quick.
[laughter]
Right.
What the heck is this, I wonder?
That looks like decomposing tuna sweetcorn.
"Work out the flavours of these baby foods."
"Most accurate flavour guesses wins."
Oh, God, that's disgusting.
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
"Also, there's a bonus point for whoever eats the most baby food."
I bet there is.
We haven't had lunch yet, so...
Let's not knock it.
If it has definitely been swiped from a baby this morning,
then I'm good to go.
[laughter and applause]
They all seemed to assume, Alex, that it was real baby food.
Yeah.
Yeah, that may or may not have been the case.
[laughter]
- Not the case. - Not the case.
We're gonna start with Alice Levine's attempt.
Oh, God!
Oh, Alice, don't be like that.
- [Alice] It's never good! - You've had a belting show.
[laughter]
OK, let's go with this one first.
Let's look at the texture. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna say fish.
I'm gonna be that vague.
[she laughs]
- I'm gonna say fish. - [DING]
Why do they always taste of off fish?
Why do babies like off fish?
Oh, this one's sweet.
- It's like sweet fish. - [DING]
Are they all just variants on disgusting, rotten fish?
[Alex] So we're going with fish, fish and sweet fish?
- Yep. Fish, fish, sweet fish. - [TWO DINGS]
Most repulsive, second most repulsive,
- third most repulsive. - [DING]
[applause]
What's with using the end of the spoon?
The only way to get the smallest portion of what was in the jar,
'cause as soon as you opened it, it was traumatic.
My eyes watered when I opened the first jar.
You looked like we were attempting to poison you.
You looked frightened.
I can tell you what the things were, now, in them.
It's what I imagine babies should like.
The first one was a combination of sausages and Sugar Puffs.
[groans and laughter]
[Alice] That's what smelt so bad!
In jar two, you said fish.
There were pilchards and coconut.
[audience groans]
[Alex] So you got one of them.
You got a ding for fish there, though.
And the third one, a three-course dinner,
prawn cocktail, chicken breasts and chocolate cake.
[audience groans]
De-licious!
Bit of a ding for prawn cocktail?
- You got a bit of a ding. - Yeah, you got a ding.
I've got you down as two half-correct answers.
Sure, I'll take that. And a stomach pump, after that.
You also a total of six grams of it,
which is the equivalent of one sheet of paper.
Which is weird to imagine it as a sheet of paper.
Yeah.
It's almost like you've deliberately chosen
- sheet of paper. - I did, yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Really annoying me.
[laughter]
- Who's next? - Russell and Tim.
Russell Howard and Tim Vine. Ready?
- Yep. - OK.
So, number one.
[he makes dramatic jar-opening noises]
No wonder they're always crying. Look at this shit they're fed.
Oh, gosh. Why am I finding this disgusting?
Looks like someone's minced a sparrow.
[laughter]
That is...
stuffing.
I'm gonna say that's a Sunday dinner, all mushed up.
To provide something fucking hideous.
[he sighs]
[he sniffs]
Well, that's definitely some sort of fish.
[DING]
Fuck!
That is, um...
[tapping spoon]
- ...fish. - [DING]
It's sort of mackerel, and what tastes like...
tears.
So that's baby tears, mackerel and potato.
[Alex] Yep.
That, without any shadow of a doubt, is a type of fish,
- and I don't know what fish it is yet. - [DING]
Herring and tomato.
And this...
looks like... I'm gonna guess already that's some sort of...
mousse.
With Weetabix.
Try a bit of that.
See what you think it is.
- Would you mind feeding me? - Yeah, sure.
Shall we do the aeroplane?
- [he imitates a plane] - [laughter]
There you go. What are you getting for that? Do you like that?
No.
- Thank you, Tim. - OK.
[Alex] Well done.
What do you mean, "well done"?
[laughter]
[applause]
Could've ate a bit!
How'd you find yours?
Um... not great.
It tasted terrible and I still thought it was baby food.
So I just felt really bad for the babies.
Can I say, as well, that I think it was interesting
- that you ate some there, Alex. - Alex. Yep.
He scoffed it down.
But I think there's a fear of the unknown that we had.
You knew what it was, and so I think
if I'd had those ingredients written on the jar...
That would've been a lot easier, though.
- I would've... - [laughter]
I did let myself down not eating any, I agree.
- No, no, no. I won't hear that. - No, you're being hard on yourself.
Also, your body gives you those warning signs
to not eat things which are gonna harm you,
and all of those flavour combinations were harmful.
Absolutely, and I think you look most like a baby out of all of us.
[laughter]
I think if you'd have eaten them, there would've been terrible flashbacks.
Yeah, well, I was having flashbacks just from the smell.
Of course.
- We know what's in them. - Yeah.
Mine was different, though, wasn't it?
Well, yours was the same, but vegetarian sausage and vegetarian chicken.
Oh, I see, right. Yeah.
Vegetarian chicken?
- [laughter] - Yeah, that's what we bought.
All chickens are vegetarian, aren't they?
- Yeah. - [laughter]
You ate 14 grams, the equivalent of two human eyes.
- [Tim] Wow. - [laughter]
So, at the moment, you're in the lead for the bonus point.
[Greg] Lovely.
Hey, if anyone's up for some adverts,
then watch the next few minutes very carefully
and see if you can spot them. Bye!
Hello, you're watching the final part of Taskmaster,
where one lucky contestant will go home with a day trip to Barcelona
courtesy of Asim Chaudhry Holidays.
Over to my assistant, little Alex Horne,
to fill you in on what was happening before the break.
Do you want me to do that now? I will.
OK, hello, I'm coming at you live.
- Our five... - [laughter]
Our five rivals have been guessing the flavours of baby food.
So far, there's been a RAT in the kitchen: Russell, Alice, Tim.
A rat in the...
- Clever, yeah. - Mm-hm.
The last two are Asim and Liza.
How are their palates?
- Let's find out. - Oh, God.
Ew, it's a big dog-foody.
I'm gonna say chicken stuffing.
- It's sage, onion. - [Alex] Lovely.
- Sausage meat. - [DING]
It's mystery meats, isn't it?
There's bread in there as well, I think.
- That's tinned salmon in a mixer. - [DING]
Possibly with an onion.
There's tuna...
Sweetcorn.
Coconut.
- [DING] - [Alex] You like that one?
It's alright.
It's like tuna mayo, sweetcorn, coconut.
What could be that colour?
Chestnuts.
Ugh, God. What's the little white bits in it?
- Is that a prawn? - [DING]
Ugh. It's like a worm!
[audience groans]
Yeah!
I think it's Marmite.
- I think it's chocolate. - [DING]
I mean, I think it might be, like, cat food as well.
[Alex] Do you have favourite? One, two or three?
No.
[laughter]
- Thank you, Liza. Well done. - Thank you very much. Bye!
[Alex] Goodbye.
[applause]
Asim was the only person who took the things out of the jars.
The prawns were in there for everyone to find.
I think we all enjoyed that a bit.
Filth being paraded around the table.
Because, so far in the series,
- I don't think this is unfair to say... - No.
- ...Asim has been consistently shit. - Yeah.
Well, he said maybe Weetabix in the first one, instead of Sugar Puffs.
He said tuna, "one warm prawn," he said.
One warm prawn.
I like my prawns warm.
[laughter]
He got the coconut. Liza also got the coconut and chocolate and sausage.
So these two... Asim just got one extra correct bit of information.
He also ate 38 grams of it.
- [audience groans] - Like I said, I hadn't had lunch.
Yeah. One 60th of a Chihuahua.
[laughter]
Liza ate 33 grams. A light bulb's worth, so yeah.
- [Alex] Pretty good. - Light bulb?
Yeah, that's how much light bulbs weigh.
So, in terms of scores, I'm afraid Tim gets one point,
Alice two, Russell three, Liza four.
Asim Chaudhry gets six.
- [Russell] Yay! - [Liza] Woo!
[applause]
Good work!
Rising like a phoenix. Let's see the scoreboard, then.
OK, so Asim, for the first time,
has a chance of winning an episode.
He's on 15 points, Liza's on 18 points.
[cheers and applause]
Lovely. OK.
Alice, Asim, Liza, Russell and Tim,
please will you make your way up to the stage
for the final task of the show?
[applause]
You dare to wear the cape?
I've had my name embroidered on the back.
[Greg] Can I see?
[laughter]
OK, you can keep the cape.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Who would you like to read the task out?
- Probably Liza Tarbuck. - OK.
[laughter]
Liza.
"Catch the most socks and put them in your laundry basket."
"You must stare straight forward throughout the task."
"You must not touch any pants."
[laughter]
"You must not move the laundry basket,
and if you drop a sock, you can't then pick it up."
"Every time you touch some pants, you lose a sock."
"Most socks wins." Hang on a minute.
- [Alex] Mm-hm? - Sorry, just to clarify here...
Surely it couldn't be simpler.
[laughter]
Yes, there is some clarification. Do you want me to clarify some things?
- Yes, please. - I'll just pop this back in the... cape.
[laughter]
So, socks and pants will arrive.
You have to stay staring straight forward.
Right.
By "catching" we mean in the hands or the forearms,
not your legs.
Sorry, um, what do we have to do?
[laughter]
You have to catch socks but not pants.
It's like Crystal Maze meets Crackerjack.
[laughter]
They will start falling after the whistle.
[blows whistle]
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Keep looking forward. Keep looking forward.
Argh!
No, no.
No-o-o!
Son of a bitch!
I got double-panted!
Liza, get ready.
I'm on tenterhooks.
Smell that coming.
Can I employ somebody to nod for me or go like that?
Who are you talking to, Russell?
To somebody in the crowd
- who I'm looking straight ahead to. - [Greg] Look what's coming!
Thank you.
Oh, they've all got socks!
But once the socks are on the floor, you can't pick them up again?
No, you can't, Asim.
Oh, fuck off.
[laughter]
You're sitting further forward than anyone else, Asim.
- Yeah. - Why's that?
I live on the edge, mate.
[laughter]
- [laughter] - Ooh! I caught them.
[laughter]
I feel like someone from the Deep South, like,
"I hope there's not rain."
[laughter]
[Greg] Oh!
Oh, that's my man bun. I thought that was a sock.
[laughter]
Oh, sick, it is a sock.
- [Alex] Good catch, Ali-- Oh! - Oh!
- It counts, it counts. - I touched the floor.
- I don't think it touched the floor. - I think it touched the floor.
I tell you what, there's an absolutely lovely lady who's been helping me out,
and if she thinks she isn't gonna get a lovely hug...
She's an absolute sweetheart.
Thanks, mate.
[laughter]
She's really special, she's really helping me.
- [laughter] - Oh, for God's sake!
[blows whistle]
[applause]
Let's add those up and see how it's affected the final score.
Come back down here and join me, contestants.
- [applause] - [Liza] Good man.
That was pretty tense stuff, wasn't it?
- [they sigh] - The cape?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[Greg] What happened, then?
- I lost confidence in the cape. - Yeah, rightly so.
[laughter]
- [Greg] Socks and pants. - I wanna highlight two people.
Liza's technique - remember, it was don't touch the pants -
her technique was to fold up the pants.
[laughter]
It was to help you count them.
Yes, it did, I have counted them.
The winning person utilised an audience member.
[Greg] Yes.
Two angels rocked up,
and that's my lazy eye coming into play.
[laughter]
They both thought I was looking at them.
OK, so, Alice...
She caught one sock but touched many more pants,
and that ends up on minus three points.
Jesus Christ, it's like you wanted to lose today.
[laughter]
But you do get one point for coming last in the task.
You get a point.
- Yeah, but that's got to be a bitter... - It doesn't mean anything.
...point, isn't it?
Then we have Asim, Tim and Liza,
who touched the same amount of pants as they caught socks,
so ended up on zero.
But the winner, with two socks, was Russell Howard!
Yes, please!
My two special ladies!
[applause]
Series scores-wise, Alice, who won the first episode comfortably,
is way behind everyone else now.
Awww.
She's on 37, Asim's on 40,
Tim is also on 40, then Russell on 48.
Liza is on 58 points.
Ooh, galloping!
[applause]
I can also tell you that in this episode, with 22 points,
the winner is Liza Tarbuck!
Thank you very much.
Liza is the winner of some excellent excursions,
so go and collect your prizes!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you wake up feeling blue
and life feels lonely and pointless,
don't go on one of Alice Levine's day trips. They're rubbish!
And most importantly, we've found out that Liza is tonight's winner.
Well done to her, well done to you,
well done to the losers, well done to mankind,
Shame on you, Alex Horne!
Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]