Thank you and thank you.
This show is called Taskmaster and my name is Greg Davies.
Five very fine television and radio personalities
have been completing my tasks for various reasons.
There's the nominal fee,
the massive exposure,
and most importantly, the chance to win this
gilded duplication of my massive, chiselled noddle.
So, let's get on and meet them. Their names are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And here, moping around like a lost tear in an ocean of wretchedness...
Oh, who is it? It's...
[high-pitched] Little Alex Horne!
- [cheers and applause] - Hello.
And as is tradition, we'll be having some painfully stilted banter
for about two minutes before we start the show.
No.
[laughter]
Because I've pre-empted it this time,
and I've covered the situation by pre-recording some banter.
- So I've, um... - [Greg laughs]
I've voiced you and I've voiced me,
and we just sort of mouth or mime along.
- Ready? - Yep.
[Alex's voice] Great to be here, Greg. You're looking fine.
And you, Alex, are a wonderful person.
[laughter]
- I... love you, Alex. - [laughter]
Better, wasn't it? Better banter than...
Shall we do one with me voicing you now?
- Let's try that. - [laughter]
Look down the camera.
- Do we have to? - Yeah.
[Greg] Hello. I'm Alex Horne,
and I support apartheid.
[laughter]
Shall we, uh...
Crack on, shall we?
[laughter]
Hey, it was gonna come out eventually, mate.
[laughter]
So, it's now time for the prize task. Happy?
This week...
we've asked them to bring in the sturdiest thing. OK?
So the person who brings in the sturdiest thing,
according to you, lord Greg Davies,
will get five maximum points,
and at the end of the show, the person with the most points
will take home all of the sturdy things.
Good, and I think it's about time we started with...
Tim Vine.
Hello, Tim. What is your sturdy thing and why should I judge it the sturdiest?
It's a small plastic St Bernard.
OK.
When I get angry, I go outside and I throw it down on the patio,
really hard, and it never changes at all. It's the sturdiest thing I own.
[Alex] Do you wanna see it?
[laughter]
We've developed a means test for the sturdy items,
and it's dropping me from 15 feet.
Which is... What did you say?
- That's my... - Oh, terminal velocity.
- Terminal velocity. - Terminal velocity.
And I'd argue that if you dropped me from 15 feet
onto a cross-eyed plastic hound,
I'd probably fuck it up.
How big is it, Tim? How big is it?
That's the thing, it is quite small. It's kind of that size.
I really don't think you would.
You'll absorb it. I think you'll absorb it.
- I'll absorb it. - [laughter]
I'll absorb it into my fat feet, will I?
Anywhere.
Jesus Christ.
Asim, what's your sturdy item?
Well, before we do that, I just want to say that
from today, I am now, officially, a vegan.
- [scattered applause] - Come on. Come on!
So, my sturdiest thing...
[laughter]
My most sturdiest thing is...
I'm flipping it a bit, something you wouldn't think is sturdy.
But I'm actually going for an egg.
- Ahh. - I'm back in the game.
- [laughter] - Yeah, you are.
[Asim] Did you know that...
Dust the old cross-eyed beast off.
Did you know that you can drop an egg from a tree and it won't break?
Yeah.
[laughter]
And what if you dropped a 20-stone man
from 15-foot terminal velocity onto it?
[laughter]
Scramble!
Yeah, scrambled egg, yeah. Not great news for the...
I won't be able to eat it, as well, 'cause I'm vegan now, so...
Oh, man. Well, that is definitely last place.
[laughter]
[Greg] Liza?
I've picked a donkey.
- A real one? - Yeah.
You've brought a donkey in, have you?
Yeah, Thomas.
- [laughter] - I have.
She has. The donkey is here.
There's the picture, but the winner...
- [audience] Awww. - [Liza] There we are. It's Thomas.
[Greg] Will the donkey get brought out at some point?
Yeah, whoever wins the show will win all the four sturdy things
and have a go on the donkey.
Have a go on anything's good.
[Russell] Yeah.
It's just awful how modern context has changed phrases, though, isn't it?
Oh, I didn't mean... Yeah, I just meant stand next to it, really.
Yeah, I know, but I read it as "have sex with a donkey."
[laughter]
I think donkey is more sturdy than an egg and a plastic St Bernard.
That's my gut instinct. Alice?
I was trying to think of something that has
been tested in terms of sturdiness.
It's been through extreme weathers.
This is my mum's polytunnel on her allotment.
[Alex] Here it is.
[Greg whistles]
A younger host wouldn't be impressed by that,
but I'm a middle-aged man, and that is...
That is a lovely bit of kit.
[laughter]
Is it sturdier than a donkey? Could you argue that for me?
I feel like you could land...
You would just bounce right off that.
- [Greg] I would. - You would have a lovely time.
'Cause you'd spread the load.
Yes, exactly.
I'd spread my load--
[laughter]
It's a minefield, innit?
[laughter]
- Russell? - Yes.
Beat a donkey, beat a polytunnel.
OK. My brother's calves.
[laughter]
So sturdy. He's got tremendous calves.
- [Greg] Has he? - Yep.
- I've seen him get them out. - [Greg] Is your brother here?
He is here.
Where is he? I want to jump from 15 feet onto him.
[laughter]
OK, here are Russell's brother's calves.
[laughter]
[Greg] I mean, they actually are disgusting, aren't they?
[laughter]
Russell, what does the winner get?
Does the winner get to have a go on the calves?
The winner can touch them, can have a photo with them,
and, of course, you can ride him.
- Got it. - [laughter]
OK, well, I mean, I'm gonna put an egg last,
because I would mess an egg up faster than I could mess up
- Tim's St Bernard. - [Alex] Famously.
- So that's last and second to last. - One point to Asim, two to Tim.
I've met Russell's brother and, unbeknownst to Russell,
I have ridden on his back on numerous occasions.
- And they're unreliable, those calves. - Crumpled.
They could take me for a while, so I'm putting you in third place.
[Alex] OK.
It's difficult, you know, but how can you turn down a donkey?
They're a powerful image of everything that's right in the world,
so until I distribute myself across...
[laughter]
Across Alice's mother's...
- Polytunnel. - ...polytunnel,
[laughter]
I must give the benefit of the doubt to Liza Tarbuck.
[Alex] Five points to Liza!
[cheers and applause]
Here we go, then. We're up and running. What's first?
We've got a task to finally answer the age-old conundrum.
[door knob rattling]
[laughter]
Go that way.
OK.
Follow this string in, do I? Follow the piece of string in?
It's the sort of thing you dream about, isn't it? When you're seven.
[laughter]
Hang on a minute. So I go out that way...
Out that way, there. Right! Ah!
- [Alex] What are you up to? - Just following this string.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Hello. - [laughing] Hi.
- This is my caravan. - It's lovely.
I'm following the string.
Follow the string!
[Asim] Here we go.
How long is a piece of string?
"Without leaving the caravan..."
"...work out how long this piece of string is."
- [car horn honks] - Excuse me.
[laughter]
"You have five minutes. Most accurate answer wins."
"Your time starts now."
Bloody hell.
Without leaving the caravan?
Right, OK.
Back in this way.
[laughter]
[applause]
I thought you were supposed to follow the string.
Evidently.
I thought I didn't want to get disqualified for -
"You didn't go through the tunnel, did you?"
I thought I'd be the only one who didn't, not the only one who did.
[laughter]
Yeah, you took 15 minutes longer than anyone else to reach the task.
[laughter]
How long's a piece of string? Nice and simple, innit?
Uh-huh. They had five minutes to work it out,
they weren't allowed to leave the caravan.
OK.
Do you wanna see the two little boys,
- Asim and Russell? - Two little boys, please.
[laughter]
Bloody hell.
Without leaving the caravan?
[Alex] Yeah, sorry.
OK.
This is gonna take some very good guesswork.
[Alex] What are you doing?
I was seeing if there was a tape measure in here.
[Alex] Oh, that'd be useful.
It would appear not. I'm just gonna guess.
OK, let me just do a rough estimate.
There's loads of string in that bathtub.
It goes through there each time, so that's gonna add.
I'm gonna say...
Two hundred...
and ten feet.
[Alex] OK, and that's including the ball, is it?
Oh.
No.
OK, I thought it meant just how much is...
[Alex] Well, it's up to you, really.
[laughter]
OK, I'd say... 500 feet.
That's a lot, though. Yeah, I'd say 500.
[Alex] OK.
That's 31 metres.
[Alex] 31, the whole thing?
The whole thing is 31 metres.
- Exactly? - Yes.
[applause]
It's great to see scientific mind at work.
[they laugh]
"200."
"Oh, no. Are you sure?"
"500."
[laughter]
Russell, that jacket makes you look very at home in that caravan.
It looks like you're running a business from it.
It makes me look like an uncle who says to himself under his breath,
"I'll get her back."
[laughter]
Just to be clear, Asim's final answer was...
[both] 500 feet.
[Greg] Based on nothing.
- [Greg] And Russell's was... - [Alex] 31 metres or 102 feet.
So there's 400 foot between the guesses.
[laughter]
Oh, I'm way off.
OK, here it comes. Your first interval of the episode.
I look forward to hearing all about it. Bye for now.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
I am Greg. Stringy things were happening before the break.
Aren't I completely right, Alex?
Always, always.
Always.
Yes, we've been trying to learn how long a piece of string is.
Asim and Russell have had a go,
but we're yet to know how accurately they've guessed.
Next, this is Alice and Liza,
presumably doing it more logically.
I'm gonna take a risk.
[Alex] Did you bring a tool with you?
Yeah, but I do often have a tool on me.
Can I have some scissors?
[Alex] Would you like me to get you some?
- I'd love some scissors. - OK.
Oh, dear. Oh, Lor'.
Well, it's quite long!
- Scissors for you. - Thank you so much.
OK.
I've absolutely no idea.
I can't help you and I'd be wrong to pretend I could.
Do you wanna have a guess?
OK.
So...
I think this piece of string is five foot seven inches.
OK.
I'm unclear as to whether it's that bit or that bit.
I've extracted a piece from the ball.
So I think that this piece is five foot seven.
Um, I'll say four miles.
- Long, isn't it? - [Liza] It's really long, isn't it?
[whistle blows]
- Thank you, Alice. - Thank you.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
[applause]
I imagine Asim and Russell are both thinking, "Back in the game."
[laughter]
32 miles was Liza's guess?
No, Liza's guess was four miles.
- Four miles. - She's not ridiculous.
Oh, sorry.
[laughter]
- Four miles... - I was just cross that morning.
Now, if you think that's mad...
I mean, I don't know where to start with you.
I wasn't sure which bit of the string you wanted to measure,
and I just thought, better to have an accurate measure of a bit
than an inaccurate measure of all of it.
- Hmm. - So, really...
a great job.
[laughter]
- Great. - Alice's guess, yeah, five foot seven.
[Greg] Is wrong.
Liza, four miles. So there's 21,105 foot between their guesses.
[laughter]
OK. Next, it's Vine time!
How long is a piece of string? Erm...
Let me just see if there's anything in here that...
Well...
I might measure it...
I might do it in lobsters.
Right.
One, two, three... five...
six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72...
107, 108, 109, 110...
111, 112. 112.
113, 114, 115, 116 lobsters inside the caravan.
- How long left? - One minute 40.
[laughter]
That's gonna have to... That's just for the lobster. Right.
189, 190, 191, 192, 193...
[laughter]
103...
[Alex] 20 seconds.
[laughter]
[Alex] Ten seconds.
308 lobsters!
[Alex] How long do you think a lobster is?
- The lobster's about 30 centimetres. - OK.
[whistle blows] Well, thank you, Tim.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
So much to enjoy about that.
- My favourite moment? - Mm-hm?
"I think I'm gonna use a lobster."
As if it is the most natural thing in the world.
I should say, Tim has never won a task in this show.
He's won the prize task but he's never won an actual task.
- [Greg] I feel good about this. - Hello!
Seriously, I'm excited to know.
Yes, OK. So he guessed 308 lobsters.
Yeah?
Uh, converting that to feet, that's 308 feet.
The actual string was...
97 metres, which 318 feet.
[everyone gasps]
[cheers and applause]
Blimey!
[applause]
This is a whole new system.
I knew as soon as I saw the lobster, I'd won that task.
I think you might have defined, now that we're leaving Europe,
we might measure things in the lobster.
Well, that's what the "lb"... Instead of pounds, it could be lobsters.
[laughter]
How many lobsters out was he?
- He was ten lobsters out. - OK.
- [Asim] Wow. - [Alice] That's amazing.
Liza was 21,000 lobsters out.
[laughter]
Understandable, yeah.
So the furthest out from the correct answer was Liza.
She gets one point.
Alice gets two, Russell three, Asim four,
but Tim Vine gets five points!
There it is!
[cheers and applause]
Unbelievable.
Feels like we should see the scores, then, Alex.
OK then, yeah.
The leader at the moment is Tim Vine, for the first time.
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] It's Vine time.
[applause]
- Would you like a new task? - Yes, please.
OK, this one is a tough one.
Hello, my little ferret.
- [Alex] Hello, Alice. - Hello.
Eggs.
[laughter]
"Pull this tablecloth off this table."
"Most eggs left unbroken on the table wins."
"You have one attempt and may not tamper with the table, tablecloth or eggs."
- Nice use of the word "tamper". - [Alex] Thank you, Liza.
Eh? So we've just gotta... [whooshing noise]
[applause]
Shouldn't be too much to worry about, Asim,
eggs being as sturdy as they are.
[laughter]
- Go on, let's have a look. - OK.
So I'm just gonna pull it off, am I?
[Alex] We're looking for a yank.
[laughter]
[Alex] Are you good at this sort of thing, Liza?
I'm not answering that. I think that's very leading.
[he sighs]
OK.
- One yank, please, Asim. - One yank.
Basically, this arm's got to get to there,
and you've got to not even see it move.
Right. It's like a kind of pull motion.
It's just gonna have to be swift, innit? That's the thing.
It's gonna have to be... [whooshing noise] OK.
I think I'm gonna nail it.
I just feel it.
[cheers and applause]
[whispers] Oh, God.
Hmm!
Hmmm!
[applause]
Does that count?
[applause]
- [cheers and applause] - Oh ho ho ho!
And that's the end of Taskmaster. Good night!
[laughter]
That was incredible! We all did it.
[Alex] Yeah.
The only difference was in the way that everybody celebrated,
'cause most people just thought,
"Well, I'm pleased that I managed to do that."
Russell, apparently, walked straight out,
dropped to his knees and started sobbing.
[laughter]
I was so pleased.
I felt like I was Roger Federer.
OK, five points to everyone!
[cheers and applause]
So we gave them a task where they all got the same points?
Yes.
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
Or I'll kick you in the leg.
[laughter]
I think it's best we break up for a while.
Just for a while, though. It'll make us stronger in the long run.
Just you wait and see.
Hello!
I am so glad you came back.
Alex, over to you.
- OK, would you like a new task? - Yes, please.
This one is a perplexing team one for you, darling.
[laughter]
- Hi, Alex! - Hello, Liza.
- Have you met my friends? - [Tim] Hello, Alex.
- Yes, I have. - Crikey.
- [Asim] Oh, my God. - Stinks, doesn't it?
Where are you? Oh, there you are.
Everything smells of sweaty dead dogs in here.
- It's horrid, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Shall I just get that, then? - Yes, would you?
Sorry, gents. So, look at this.
This is all about kidnapping and things?
[Tim] Flippin' heck.
[Alice] OK.
"Find the link, then do it exactly 100 times."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
"Find the link..." So all this is linking.
- [Asim] OK. - [Tim] Find the link.
[Liza] What's the link?
[applause]
I mean, I'm keen to crack on with the task,
but I would say that the crack detective team
of Vine, Chaudhry and Tarbuck...
If your mum had been kidnapped or something,
and you three turned up, you'd go, "Oh, no."
"Oh, no. She's not coming back."
[laughter]
This is my colleague. He's in a safari costume.
[laughter]
Who do we see first?
We're gonna start with Russell and Alice.
- Team Funk? - Team Funk.
- [Russell] Team Funk. - [laughter]
Can we have a pad and a pen, please?
Thank you very much.
OK.
What does this projector bit mean? What does that mean?
I'll be honest with you, this...
I want to... I want to burn all of this.
I mean, it says hopeless- less-less-ness-less.
Is the link that there is no link?
There's whisky here.
But then that says urinating, so I'm not sure it's whisky.
- S... Steps? - Steps.
- [Alice] Guy. - Step guy?
Steps guy. Is that a guy from the band Steps?
- Oh, yeah! H from Steps. - [DING]
[Russell] Well done.
What does that mean? 8, 15, 16?
That could be letters again, so that could be A, B, C, D, E...
- F, G, H. - [DING]
I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
[DING]
M, N, O, P. Well, that's House of Pain again, isn't it?
House of Pain. H-O-P.
Damien Rice's debut...
- OK, well, that was O. - [DING]
Wasn't the album called O?
Urinating. Wee, er, pee.
- P! - [DING]
Well done, yeah. That's what that is.
D, L, L, P.
I've got it. Is the link "hop"?
And we have to hop 100 times?
[DING]
- Oh, and you're hopping... - 'Cause House of Pain...
There was another H-O-P that you said
that was something.
What's the whisky in the, er...
This, uh, is that a rabbit?
- [Alex] Little rabbit. - [Alice] Bunny hop.
- [DING] - [Russell] Bunny hop.
So shall we hop 100 times? That seems like a lot of hopping.
Yeah.
So shall we do 50 each?
- Yeah. - We have to do it exactly.
- OK, ready? - Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six...
15, 16, 17...
28, 29, 30...
- 41, 42, 43, 44... - [Alice laughs]
45, 46, 47... Is that...?
No, no more! Exactly.
They're gonna count our extra ones, aren't they?
- Only if they're dicks. - Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
You struck me as a crack detective team.
It was only ruined by one thing.
Once you cracked the case, both of you, without discussing it...
Bunny hands up.
[laughter]
We're professionals, OK?
[Russell laughs]
"We've done it. Well done."
"Team Funk struck again."
"Now let's take this home!"
[laughter]
[Alex] They did crack it, though.
- Pretty impressive. - [Russell] Smashed it.
They got rabbit hops, the whisky was Hopscotch.
There were short-hop flights.
I stopped the clock after their hundredth hop,
- 'cause I'm not a dick. - No, we're not dicks.
Why did it smell so bad in there?
They were hops. The tray was full of hops.
- [Russell] Oh, I see. - Ahh, I didn't know that.
- You're never there. - No.
[laughter]
I'm not. I'm literally on my sofa counting money.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
So, Russell and Alice, they took 11 minutes and 18 seconds.
OK, we're now gonna look at Tim, Asim and Liza.
[Liza] Is that whisky?
S-T-P-S-G-U...
That doesn't mean anything, does it?
- [Tim] "Find the link, then do it..." - [Liza] Steps...
...guy. Steps guy? What's that mean?
[Tim] Overhead projector.
- No J Simpson. - [Asim] No J Simpson.
- It's all very cryptic, innit? - [Alex] Yes, it is, Tim.
- Is this still the same show? - Look at the rabbit underneath there.
Yes.
[Liza] Do you know what it's lying in? Looks like, to me, hops.
I keep thinking it's something like hopping.
[DING]
- Are they hops? - I think so.
[dings bell]
It's worth doing, that. [dings bell]
I reckon let's step back and look,
'cause I think we're too close.
We're probably missing something...
A bigger picture, here.
- [Asim] Steps... guy. - [Tim] Steps... guy.
Steps guy. The Steps guy, H!
- H. Steps guy is H. - Yes.
Wait, H. He's the...
No J Simpson. H.
This Steps guy is H.
OK, we got H.
OK, let's follow that. OK, so then that, so H...
What does that say?
- Diddy. OK, P? - [Tim] P.
[Asim] We're getting somewhere. So H...
Has anyone got...? We haven't got a pen.
OK, just remember H.
Yes, I can remember H.
OK. We don't need to write that down.
HP Sauce! Oh, no, hang on.
Look at that, yeah?
H. Urinating. Piss.
[Asim] H-P. You know what this could be?
What?
The alphabet.
A-B-A-B.
I think that's a good call, though. Do you think, maybe...?
It's hops.
Ah, jump around, maybe we need to just jump...
We should... jump around for a bit.
Six, seven, eight, nine...
- [laughter] - 12, 13, 14, 15...
[man] I don't know that's jumping or not.
I'm not sure if it's jumping, either.
- [Liza] I've just hopped 100 times. - [whistle blows]
- What was that? - What does that mean?
[Liza] That was the task.
Does that mean the whole task...?
[Alex] Yes, you've done it. Congratulations, team.
What the f... That was it?
[cheers and applause]
[applause]
Have we ever had a clearer metaphor
for the plight of women through the ages?
What I love is just this weary...
Trying to get them to hear hops,
and in the end, just going, "OK."
"I'm just gonna start hopping."
[laughter]
Ten on each foot, hold the girls down.
[laughter]
They came into the other room furious.
No "well done." Furious.
And Tim's gone, "Greg's gonna bloody demolish me for that."
[laughter]
But you got it instantly!
How quickly did Liza solve it?
Well, she said "hops" in under a minute.
[laughter]
And how long were they in there altogether?
Well, she'd completed 100 hops in eight minutes 34.
Right, so there was about seven minutes of bullshit...
[laughter]
I just couldn't get my head around H.
I was like, "H!"
And I don't want to further make things worse for you, Asim,
but I did write down this.
"H. Urinating. Piss."
[laughter]
We won, though, innit? So fuck it.
[laughter]
It's all about the team, innit?
- So let's say five points for... - Asim, Tim and Liza.
Liza and her two clowns.
And three points each for Team Funk.
- Happy with that? - [Alex] Yeah, done.
[cheers and applause]
What's next, Alex?
OK, this next one is even more tricky.
Nice. Alex?
Hello, Russell.
I like snooker.
- [Alex] I like you. - [Tim laughs]
[Alex] Your sort of thing?
Yeah, I'm not bad at...
traditional boys' games.
Oh, God.
"Pull off the most elaborate trick shot."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
[he sighs] Oh, God.
Oh, I like this.
I couldn't even...
pot any of them normally, never mind as a trick.
Don't really play a huge amount of snooker.
Why have you got gloves on?
- I'm the... - Oh, of course.
You're the... judge? Is that what it's called? No.
- Judge. Snooker judge. - Snooker judge.
[laughter]
[applause]
I was gonna ridicule you for the judge comment,
and then I realised I don't really know what a snooker man's called either.
- Or woman. - [laughter]
Snooker man. It's snooker man.
- Snooker man? - [laughter]
[Greg] Who shall we see first?
We're gonna start off with someone
who's never played darts or snooker,
it's Alice Levine.
♪ What a trick ♪
♪ Look at the crazy trick ♪
Oh, God.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
[Alex] It's quite a long trick.
Oh, now we're cooking.
And for the finale...
♪ Here comes the finale, baby ♪
[Alex] Got them all in.
And that, my friend, is called a trick shot.
Thank you, Alice.
- [Alex] Goodbye. - Always a pleasure.
[applause]
Did you have some questions?
We're doing an assistant advancement program at the moment, Alex and I,
where I sometimes let him make a decision.
[Alice] Right.
- So I'm going to, on this occasion. - OK.
Yeah, and I think there are two ways of looking at your stunt.
I think you could say there was some humour in there.
You chalked your cues, humorously,
even though you knew you weren't gonna use them.
- There was the beautiful music. - Thank you.
I even wrote the lyric down.
♪ What a... Look at the lovely trick ♪
People forget that.
So you could say it was well thought-out, interesting,
- unexpected piece of misdirection. - I can't think of another way of looking at it.
Well, the other angle is, we could say it was rubbish.
[laughter]
- [Alex] And I get to decide? - [Greg] Yeah, it's all yours.
I... I'd probably say the former. Was it?
Do you think?
- Yeah? Maybe? - No.
- It was rubbish. - [laughter]
You'll be sad, pleased or indifferent to discover it's the end of part three.
Go away and then come back for the final part,
where someone will take home an egg,
Russell Howard's brother's legs,
and a donkey.
Hello! It's only part four, and I'm gonna say trick shots, Alex.
Good stuff.
And he's right. Trick shots are the name of the game.
Alice subtly suggested it wasn't a task
she was particularly keen on completing,
and now we're gonna see someone
who's taken every opportunity so far
to show off with balls. It's Russell Howard.
[wheelbarrow squeaking]
[leaf-blower whooshing]
- You're gonna have that. - Oh, thank you.
And you're gonna try and put me off as I make it,
but there's gonna be several stages to this.
That's the first stage and I've gotta do five of those.
So it's gonna take a couple of attempts.
First of all, we have to chip the ball through there,
and then we have to get the basketball in the bathtub,
and then, right at the end of it,
I've got to put that in there.
In one go. Ready?
When do you want me to start attacking you?
At any stage.
You have to sledge me, heckle me,
as many mean things as you can think.
OK, I'm not great at that, but I'll have a go.
We'll try. Ready?
One, two, three, four, five!
First bit done. Now chipping the ball in here.
[Alex] You're not very good at football.
Done!
[Alex] I don't understand your dress sense.
Fuckin' right.
Now I have to throw this over there.
- Not sure about your hair. - Done!
That's not even part of it,
and now I've gotta do this.
Your... your glasses look a bit silly.
Pleasure.
- Well done, Russell. Good shot. - Thanks, man.
[cheers and applause]
Well...
First of all, let's address your sledging technique.
Yeah, I'm so sorry. Russell, I'm so sorry.
- I wouldn't normally have said that... - Yeah, it was pretty full on, mate.
"I'm not sure about your hair."
"Your glasses look silly."
Yeah. He's got me there, yeah.
Did you get it all right first time?
Well, mate.
What I would say...
[laughter]
- I got all the hard bits right first time. - Right.
Every time I chipped it in the caravan,
every time I got the ball in...
Not every time, and we've got a couple of the other attempts.
[laughter]
Just start again if I can't complete them.
So, ready?
One, two, three, fuck!
Right. One, two, fucking hell. This is tricky.
ARGH, you...!
So it means I have to do it again!
It's fine!
Argh, shit!
Oh, fucking...!
It's alright, we go again!
I mean, this is absolutely frustrating.
[he sighs]
[Russell] Here we go again.
Oof.
[applause]
I was so happy, though.
Something so exciting about chipping a football into a caravan.
[Greg] Yeah.
You were asked to do a snooker trick shot.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
Now we're gonna see Liza Tarbuck step up to the table.
[laughter]
Thank you, Alex.
[cheers and applause]
- [Russell] You what? - [Liza] I'm good.
That's absolutely amazing.
It's almost like it was animated or something.
Just incredible, isn't it?
[Greg] It's absolutely amazing.
I mean, I respect you, I think you're extraordinary,
but that is a sea of bullshit.
- [laughter] - [Greg] Is it? I dunno.
Liza got a team of people to run around after her.
You ran around on your own like an idiot,
writing your own rules,
and Liza went, "OK, I'm not gonna lift a finger here."
"I'm gonna get these clowns to do it."
Yeah. Funk that!
[laughter]
Um, it was incredible. Let's see another one.
OK, well, the last two I've grouped together.
So it's Tim and Asim.
Where would you like it?
Sort of in line, as though it's an extension of the table.
Oh, right.
That's pretty good.
OK.
OK, I'm gonna have an attempt now.
- Ready? - Good luck.
Come on!
[applause]
Get in.
Ah!
[Tim] This is another attempt.
- [toy squeaks] - [laughter]
[Tim] The lesser potted giraffe.
[Alex] Lesser potted...? Lesser potted giraffe.
[Tim] The name of the shot, yeah.
[Alex] Thank you.
[whistle blows]
[cheers and applause]
[Alice] That was really good.
Asim, didn't you just create a massive tube?
Yeah. Just a massive tube.
But it got a round of applause from these simpletons.
[laughter]
I dropped it from quite a distance, did you see that? I was a bit cocky.
- [Greg] Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You like that?
I really did.
[laughter]
It's really hard to want to score this, honest to God.
Does it help that Tim called his one "the lesser potted giraffe"?
Yes, it's just bagged him the first place.
[Alex] OK.
[cheers and applause]
I think Liza's stunningly visual...
trickery should go in second place. There.
- [Alex] Do you? - [Greg] Yes, I do.
Thank you.
[applause]
- [Alex laughs] - [laughter]
Fine.
The more you shake your little head,
the lower down you go, you tinker.
[laughter]
OK, so five to Tim, four to Liza. Where are we going?
Oh, man. It's so difficult.
Is it worth going to the bottom? Would that make it easier?
Yes, it would, wouldn't it?
Oh, come on!
No, I'm looking at Alice. It's my glasses.
[laughter]
I'm gonna give one to Alice. I'm giving Big Tube two.
[laughter]
Three to Russell. There, it's done.
OK, done.
- Sorry, Big Tube. - But the winner is Tim Vine!
[cheers and applause]
I am hankering for a scoreboard update, Alex.
Please may I have one?
It's Vine time again. He's in the lead with 22 points.
Second place is Liza Tarbuck.
[cheers and applause]
OK, can you head to the stage, please,
because it's the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
What a sinister sight.
Who's gonna read the task, Alex?
Alice Levine.
"Throw as many eggs onto the shelves as possible."
"You must lie flat on your bed at all times."
"Most eggs on the shelf wins."
"You have 100 seconds."
Sounds like this shouldn't be too difficult, Asim.
[laughter]
Have we got this for some weird health and safety, in case we get egg...
Hey, it's because eggs are sturdy!
[laughter]
Use the Force, Luke.
[laughter]
A hundred seconds starts...
- [whistle blows] - [Greg] Let's egg!
[Alex] Oh, that's unlucky, that's lucky. Ooh.
Oh, three at a time.
You've got plenty of time, Asim. Plenty of time.
Very nice, Liza. Very...
Yeah, you're doing alright, you're doing alright.
- [Alex] Ooh! - [Greg] Yay!
Whoa, I've got egg on my...
[audience gasps]
Thirty seconds left.
That's your last egg.
Oh, that was lucky. That's your last one.
You've got a basket.
Not long left, not many eggs left.
[laughter]
It's very egg-citing, isn't it? Very egg-citing.
[blows whistle] That's the end of egg fun.
[cheers and applause]
You count those up, bring 'em down,
we'll see how that's affected the final score.
[Alex] OK.
[cheers and applause]
Well, do you want me to tell you about the eggs?
Er, yes, I would like you to tell me about the eggs.
Alice got two on the shelf.
I think... I think one bounced out.
- Yes? - No.
Oh, no.
I was watching. You had a very nice trajectory,
but it was for 17 feet behind you.
[laughter]
We had Alice on two, Asim three,
Russell and Tim both got five,
but Liza is very good at throwing eggs onto a shelf.
- She got six eggs onto the shelf. - [Greg] Again!
Who knew?
[cheers and applause]
Who knew?
You're the ultimate Renaissance woman. What the hell are you doing?
[Alex] Yeah, it is incredible.
She's now on treble figures. She's on 103 for the series.
- [Russell] Oh, Liz! - [Alice] What?!
Alice and Asim are on 76 and 77,
to give you some idea of how far ahead she is.
I think you might be Britain's most powerful woman.
But, today, the final scores look like this.
- Here it comes. It's... - [Asim] Viney.
[Alex] Vine time!
[cheers and applause]
[he laughs]
Well done.
There you have it. Tim Vine is the winner of episode five.
Please go and gather all of your sturdy stuff!
[cheers and applause]
[Liza] Go on, Tim!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that when Britain finally sets sail and leaves the EU,
we'll know, because the road signs will say,
"London to Brighton, 390,000 lobsters."
And we've learnt that Tim Vine won the episode.
Who could possibly forget that?
Now, you. Get down there. I'll show you what sturdy is.
Join us next time. Goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]