Thank you and welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.
Now, I'm a powerful man in many, many ways,
but I have just one superpower,
and that is to award one of our desperate participants
enough to points to head home with this
glorious, perhaps perfect trophy.
I enjoy the power enormously.
But which one of the following names
will be etched beneath my chin by the end of the series?
Please welcome them.
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And next to me, with boundless enthusiasm
and an optimistic can-do attitude
that I couldn't despise more if I tried...
[high-pitched] It's little Alex Horne.
- Alex Horne. Just Alex Horne is fine. - [cheers and applause]
I got you a present, 'cause I really like you.
Yeah?
[laughter]
I know how much you like Japan and puzzles.
I do like... I do like Japan.
And little squares and numbers, so I've got you sudoku.
- Ah, lovely. - Wanna do a sudoku?
I'd love to have a go at a sudoku, thank you.
Well, I've had it tattooed on my tummy, as you asked.
[laughter]
- Ready? - Yeah.
It was really painful.
Here it is.
[laughter]
Increasingly, these little sections...
Mm?
...are just a cry for attention, aren't they?
[laughter]
What are you doing?
[Greg] Oh.
[laughter]
Good.
[laughter]
Let's crack on. What's this week's prize task?
This time we've asked them to bring in
the best thing that they've invented.
- Wow. - Ooh.
Greg's gonna judge the inventions
and give the best inventor five whole points.
At the end of the show, the person with the most points
will take home all of the inventions.
That's how it works.
[Greg whistles]
OK. Russell Howard.
Tell me what you've invented, please, and make it good.
It's called cup cereal.
Now, our mum would never let us have supper.
We weren't allowed cereal after tea,
but we devised a system.
- You put the spoon in the cup. - [Greg] Right.
But it can't go up 'cause then mum would see.
And then while she's watching Birds of a Feather
or something like that, you just...
slowly eat the cereal like that...
and she thinks you're having a drink.
I think your mum would see through the picture I've got.
[laughter]
[Greg] Well, Russell, this is what I've got to say to you.
I regularly eat cereal out of a cup.
When I haven't been bothered to wash my bowls.
So, I don't think you have invented it,
because I use it. Do you use it?
Well, Kellogg's sell cereal in a cup. So do Cheerios.
[laughter]
Thank you. Right, who's next?
- Asim. - Asim.
Well, um, I have a very great love for trainers,
and I always have.
And, uh, I went to the Nike factory,
it's like the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.
- OK. - [Asim] Proper sick.
And I designed my own little Air Max 97 3D-printed shoe.
- Here it is. - [laughter]
[Greg] You didn't invent the 3D printer, right?
No.
No. Or the design process?
No.
[laughter]
I've just got to tell you that Adidas do sell 3D-printed trainers,
and so do Kellogg's and Cheerios.
- [laughter] - They are quite common now.
OK, Tim Vine?
Well, you know in the theatre?
Where they have stage daggers?
And it's like a plastic knife.
You used to get them in toy shops, as well.
And you push it like that and the knife goes into the handle.
It was a big ambition of mine to have one at primary school.
Exactly, one of those, yeah.
I thought to myself that it would be humorous
to take on stage with me, um, a...
A stage spade.
- OK, here's the video. - [Tim] Look.
[Greg] Oh, there we are!
[laughter]
[Greg] Jesus Christ.
Do you like the way it's retracted, as well?
[applause]
I mean, so...
This is worst round one we've ever had.
[laughter]
[Alex] Two left, though. Two left.
Liza, you can save this.
Er, cacti chausseur.
- The pessimist in me is thinking that... - It's fashion! It's all the rage.
...you've just glued two cactuses to some shoes.
- No, I haven't. - [Alex] No, no, no.
No, I haven't.
[Alex] Here they are.
[laughter]
What is their primary purpose? Fashion?
Fashion.
Well, they're an invention.
Jesus Christ.
[laughter]
Alice, I'm not being funny,
I think this show might get cancelled if you don't pull something out of the bag.
Have you ever been out and about, and you've thought... [she sighs]
"I've hardly got any battery."
But Alex, however, with his smartphone...
- Yeah. - ...he has battery to spare.
Can I just say, what I would do in that situation,
is I would take Alex's phone from him.
Yeah, OK. Imagine you were out and about
with someone you respect. OK.
[laughter]
So, this happened to me, and I was on the train with my friend James.
And I said, "Let me tether for battery."
- "You feed battery into my phone." - Right.
"Wirelessly, and then I will have more battery."
And he said, "No."
Because that's not a thing.
You're tethering for battery?
- I've got your initial designs. - Thank you.
[Alex] That's what you came up with.
If you look where it says "laptops", that's a really good example,
'cause you can also tether for battery with laptops.
I think that's explained everything there is to explain.
You've come up with an idea, that much I will give you.
Yes, yes.
But you can't just say, "I've invented something."
It's like me saying, "Oh, I've got a hat that turns into a gas."
- Have you? - No.
[laughter]
Greg, you've heard everything.
Oh, God. I feel so genuinely angry with you all. It's weird.
I'm gonna give Tim five points. Incredible.
Because it's an invention, at least.
Don't be pleased with yourself.
- [laughter] - It was rubbish.
And Liza, her cactus things are so rubbish,
but it is technically a thing that she invented.
- So I'll give her three points. - Three points for the cactus shoes.
And the others, they'd better thank me for one point.
That's the end of it.
[Alex] One, one, one, three, five points to Tim Vine.
[cheers and applause]
Right. Task, please, Alex.
Great idea, boss,
and Merry Christmas, everyone!
What?
Hello.
Are you ready?
Uh-oh.
[spooky music plays]
[Tim] It's that magic snow stuff, I think, isn't it? Possibly?
Oh, it's still... kind of growing.
[Alex] Mm-hm.
"Make the best snow globe."
"You have ten minutes to order your elements..."
"...then 20 minutes to make your snow globe."
"Make the best snow globe."
What is that?
[Alex] That's snow. That's my snow, that's for inspiration.
- Well, can I not have that? - No, that's my snow.
Well... Alright.
Maybe I could get a figurine of Jon Snow
and put him in a snow globe.
[Alex] Jon Snow from Game of Thrones or from the news?
- May I look in the kitchen? - Yes.
[Alex] You just come back and tell us what you found.
Nothing.
[laughter]
OK, so I need a container.
If you can, get me some chocolate snowflakes.
Can I get loads of cotton wool balls, please?
I need you to get me a snow globe.
Get me one can of shaving cream.
Some pipe cleaners.
One condom and one massive balloon.
- Can you get some face meat? - What are you talking about?
Just some ham that has, like, a face printed on it.
[laughter]
[applause]
Who are we gonna see first?
We're gonna start with two of the others.
We're gonna start Liza...
and I think, if you don't mind, Tim Vine.
Er... Yeah, OK.
[Alex] OK. Here we go.
Now, I've picked this...
'cause it might work a treat.
Let's see, anyway. Let's get on with it.
These are the elements.
I'm gonna take my hat off.
I just don't even know how this is gonna work.
Oh, mother of God.
Then... like that.
I mean, already, it's screaming Christmas at me.
[he laughs]
In with the snow.
[Alex] How much is going in?
All of it.
- Don't you think? - [Alex] Yes.
And we're gonna have ourselves a party.
Uh-oh.
He's wearing, um, green gloves.
[he laughs heartily]
[laughter]
He's holding a sledge. He's bringing the sledge home.
This, obviously, I'm hoping will create the effect I'm after.
[she chuckles]
[she laughs]
So there it is. It's like a showbiz sandstorm.
Nobody knows what the hell's going on.
Right. OK, away you go.
[laughter]
There he is. There's the sledge.
Shall we turn it off and see how the snow falls?
Yes.
[laughter]
It's nice, isn't it? Everywhere you look, he's left elements of his smile.
Would you just hold that for a minute?
Yes.
[Liza] Oooh.
[laughter]
Bye.
[applause]
So what was the creature that you put into a blender?
- No, it was a snowman. - It's a snowman?
Wearing green gloves.
Or with an absolutely banging pair of green breasts.
[laughter]
What, like this?
Breasts tend to be more in the centre like that...
They were like...
I'm from the Midlands.
[laughter]
I actually thought yours was beautiful.
- Thanks. - [Tim] Thanks-- Oh.
Really enchanting. Yours wasn't, yours was just like the...
awful Christmas Armageddon.
[laughter]
Terrible news. It's time for some advertising.
Bye for now.
Two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we are feeling festive.
Yes, we are, Greg.
Before the break, we saw Tim and Liza try to make the best snow globe.
Who's next?
Next up, it's Alice and Asim.
I can't wait for the condom.
Happy Christmas!
[laughter]
Gonna start with the, like...
Kind of...
Oh, don't worry. We'll get those later.
I need to make my snow.
Add a bit of rice.
OK. We've got our snow.
Wise Man two.
I'm quite pleased with that.
This has got a little bit sweatier than I'd like.
Doesn't have the desired effect that I was going for.
So, we're gonna stick with balloon, I think. OK, guys?
OK.
Jon Snow in there.
Oh, it's gonna pop.
Oh, shit. It's actually blowing it up!
Oh, fuck. It's gone down.
Do you see how they've just got so much more personality now?
Like you really buy into it now, don't you?
Oh my God. That's so nice.
Argh.
Argh!
[laughter]
Ah, poor Jon Snow.
He's drowning in cream right now.
I mean, you can't...
You can't really see him.
But this is a Jon Snow-globe.
There's two Jon Snows in this snow globe.
I think you should look at it from outside the snow globe.
[balloon rattles]
[Alex] Having a nice time in there, aren't they?
Oh, there we go.
There's two Jon Snows there.
[laughter]
You need to look into the snow globe through the bowl,
so that you're getting the full snow globe experience.
[Alice] Shake the snow globe when you're ready.
[Alex] You mean the room?
[Alex] What are you doing?
This is the water!
But it's... Ugh, it's Windolene!
- [laughter] - Oh, it's horrible!
Alright, so I'm happy with this snow globe,
but I wanted to just do my plan C.
Just to give it a... Just a neater thing.
- Your plan C? - Yeah.
[laughter]
Got a little bit on there.
- I'm so sorry. - [laughter]
[applause]
That was gross and so nice.
Let's start with the face meat.
I mean, what's going on, mate?
So they were the Three Wise Men.
They had gold, prawns and couscous.
They did.
We don't know that's not true.
Why not bring it up to date?
Yeah.
I loved the double Snow.
It's just when condoms start getting involved...
I know.
And when, you know, cream started getting pumped back out...
- I knooow. - [laughter]
- Yeah, I know. - [Greg] Who's next?
Now we're gonna see my favourite TV drama
set in the South Coast yachting community.
It's Howard's Way.
- [laughter] - [Alex] Russell Howard's Way.
Here it is.
I got you all the things you asked for.
[Russell] Yeah, I mean, they're bigger than I wanted.
It's not ideal, is it?
That's the fattest Santa you could've got.
[Alex] Thank you.
And I've got this glue gun, which is exciting.
I could glue-gun this...
- ...to the table. - To the table.
And then sort of shake it.
So, a Santa.
Elves.
You two.
Actually looks alright.
[blows whistle]
- [Alex] There it is. - What's your first thought?
This is the biggest snow globe I've ever... shook.
It's a lovely scene.
- So just build it up? - Yeah, yeah.
This feels like sort of an Amish sex ritual.
[laughter]
Yep. Oh, yeah. Bonanza.
- Quite tiring. [he coughs] - Yeah, yeah.
- Bye-bye. - See you.
[glass smashes]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Are the Amish famous for their sex rituals?
I don't know if they're famous for it, but I imagine
there must be an Amish bloke out there who has a sex ritual,
and I'll be damned if it doesn't look like that.
[laughter]
Do you want to see all five and then you can judge them?
Yeah, that'd be good.
Here are images of all of them together.
[Greg] Happy Christmas, everyone.
What I'm judging this on is, "Which one would make my nieces cry the quickest?"
[laughter]
Come on, just gimme the prize.
[Alex] OK, last place first?
I wonder if it might be an exploding cream balloon,
with a model of Jon Snow in it?
- That's my instinct, Asim. - Two Jon Snows.
[Greg] One point.
Tim and Alice's, I'm gonna give them both three points,
because they're very inventive,
but they're ultimately a nightmarish vision of Christmas
that would make small children cry.
- OK. - I appreciate that.
- And I'm gonna give four points to Liza. - [Alex] OK.
But as it is, the most traditional and effective snow globe...
- It's only little Russell Howard. - Oh my goodness.
[cheers and applause]
Very good, so we're two rounds in.
I'd like to see the scores, please, Alex Horne.
We have an early leader, of course,
and that leader is...
[he gasps] It's Tim Vine again.
[cheers and applause]
OK, what's next?
Well, I'm talking teams, I'm talking melons,
I'm talking ducks, I'm talking stanchion poles,
I'm talking and you're listening, and I'm so sorry.
[laughter]
[Liza laughs]
[Alex] Hello, Liza. Hello, Tim. Hello, Asim.
[all three] Hello!
"Knock over as many ducks as possible."
"You must all remain on the red carpet throughout the ask."
"You have five minutes. Your time starts now."
[Russell] Oh, I see. So we're not allowed to leave here.
[Alice] No, we're now bound.
[ducks quacking]
[applause]
Well, there can't be any way round this.
Surely all they can do is throw the melon, right?
- Well, one watermelon, 136 ducks. - Yeah.
Do you wanna see what the team of three did first?
Yes, I do.
[Alex] Here they are. Tim, Liza and Asim.
[Asim] Well, if we can't move off the red carpet...
Maybe we could move the red carpet.
You know, like if we all...
[Tim] Well, that's a good idea.
- [Tim] I like that! - Get closer.
- [Asim] Oh, I know! - [Liza] What?
- [Asim] Grab that side and we just hop! - [Liza] Yeah.
- Ready? - Yeah, ready.
- [Tim] Oh, I've dropped it. - [Asim] Oh, careful.
- Melon's go-- [she shrieks] - [Asim] Oh, careful!
- [Asim] OK, this might not be... - [Liza laughs] Thank you.
- [Tim] Sorry, I dropped the melon. - [Asim] OK, come on.
I think we need to know exactly when we're jumping.
[Asim] OK.
- One, two, up? - OK, here we go.
One... OK. Wait, wait, wait. We're jumping on three? Or...
[both] One, two, up.
- OK. Ready? - Yeah.
One, two, up!
- [Asim] Oh, good! - One, two, up!
- [Asim] Oh! Oh, careful. - [Liza laughs]
[Liza] This is dangerous.
- [Alex] Three minutes left. - Three minutes left?
- Let's break it up. - Break it, break it.
[Asim] Good work. That's lovely.
[Liza] Shall I just go on? We've got three minutes.
Teamwork. OK, let's do it.
[Asim] Oh, good shot!
- [Asim] Oh, it bounced over it. - [Tim] Mine did as well.
[Liza] Go on!
[Asim] Oh, God. I'm terrible.
Oh, see ya.
[Liza] Nice work! Bosh!
[Alex] Two minutes left. Quite a few ducks still standing.
[Asim] OK.
- [Liza] Um, shoes? - [Tim] That's a good idea.
Oh, wait. Can we use anything...
on our body?
- [Tim] Yeah, why not? - Oh, wicked.
[Tim] Oh, that was a good one.
[Liza] Take that! Oh, that was rubbish.
[laughter]
Oh, fuck. Sorry! Terrible.
[laughter]
[Asim] Oh, good!
- [Alex] One minute left. - [Tim] One minute left?
Why don't we try and narrow a bit?
- [Liza] What about walking? - [Tim] Exactly, yeah.
One, two, up!
- [Alex] You've got ten seconds. - [Liza] Ten seconds.
Do you know what, I think I can roll my socks into a ball.
- [they cheer] - [audience cheers]
[whistle blows]
- [Alex] Thank you, team. - Thanks very much.
[Asim] That was a good effort.
[applause]
Yeah, it was a five-minute task.
You came up with the idea of shuffling towards them,
and it was going perfectly well.
And then you went, "Oh, we've only got three minutes left!"
"Let's stop shuffling now."
Worried we wouldn't reach. We thought we might not get there in time.
Really, I mean, you definitely would have.
[laughter]
Well, there 136 to begin with. They knocked over 78.
So that's 57.3% of the ducks.
So if you imagine there were one million,
they would have knocked over 573,000.
If that's easier.
Or if you imagine there was one duck,
they would've knocked over just over half of that duck.
[laughter]
- If that helps. - Yeah, it really does.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see Team Funk?
- You just irritate me. - Yeah.
It's one of my favourite things,
it's that Russell keeps calling him and Alice Team Funk,
and Alice doesn't want to be called Team Funk.
I know! Why don't we shuffle on the red carpet?
That's a good idea. How long have we got?
[Alex] Four minutes left.
[Russell] We're gonna piss this. This is a good idea.
[Alice] Just don't fall off it. Don't fall off it!
[Alice] OK.
- [Alice] One, two, three! - [Russell] Good one.
[laughter]
[Russell] Oh, yes.
[Alice giggles]
[laughter and applause]
[Alice] One, two, three!
One, two, three!
[Alex] One minute 20. You've got to knock them all over.
I feel quite proud of us.
- There's just that one there. - He's really annoying me.
We can have a quick shuffle over there.
Fuck, fuck! Oh, sorry.
[audience groans]
I don't remember that bit.
I also don't remember...
the way we were positioned.
[laughter]
- Properly gave him a shunting. - Yeah.
- [laughter] - Yeah, and why not?
Are we disqualified?
Well, the rules weren't, "Jump up and down on a carpet,
look like you're getting rear-ended."
[laughter]
"Knock all but one of the ducks over, and then put your foot wherever you want."
Those weren't the rules.
- See, that's how I read it. - We misheard, we misheard.
I don't wanna rub it in, by the way,
but I just realised I did write down your initial quote during that task,
and it was, and I quote, "We're gonna piss this."
[laughter]
Team Funk, zero.
- [Alex] Zero? - Ugh!
Team One, Two, Up has five points each.
- [Alex] Five points. They're the winners. - [cheers and applause]
Three minutes to go for a bath. Go for it.
♪ Three! ♪
Hello.
Welcome back to the third part of this Taskmaster story.
What have we next, Alex Horne?
Next up, we've got some important announcements.
Ooh.
Got something in there for me?
[Alex] Exciting.
"Make an announcement."
"Biggest announcement to the most people wins."
"You have 12 weeks."
"Your time starts now."
I'm going to India in the next 12 weeks.
- [Alex] Hmm. - I mean, that's a big country.
[Alex] Yeah, you're gonna meet everyone.
So I can make quite the announcement.
I've got a friend who's going to a big, um...
guru muster in Malibu.
[Alex] How many gurus will be at the guru muster?
I don't know. I think just one real big 'un.
[laughter]
- I'll give it some thought, though. - [Alex] OK.
Biggest announcement. OK.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
[applause]
Biggest announcement, to me, has to be something of merit.
[Alex] We've got some big hitters here with lots of potential.
- We've got people with big audiences. - Ooh, 12 weeks as well.
Yeah. Russell didn't even want to do it in this country,
'cause there's only 65 million people here.
- Not enough. - [laughter]
Shall we start with Alice?
- Let's start with Alice Levine. - Let's get it out the way.
A big old announcement.
I thought I might shout it in a...
in a town square and hope that lots of people heard,
then I remembered I had a radio show, so that made more sense.
[laughter]
Actually, the modern-day town square is Twitter.
Everyone calls it the modern-day town square.
[laughter]
Here is the big announcement from Alice Levine.
Let's have a look.
[Alex] So, "Quattro Formaggio pizza has four types of cheese,
not four times the amount of cheese."
- Are you OK? - No, no. I'm good.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I never order that, why would I know what it was?
And also, who orders Quattro Formaggio?
So why announce it?
[laughter]
- It got 400 likes! - [Alex] Yeah.
96,000 people potentially saw it. That's how many followers she has.
- OK. - OK, who's next?
Let's have a look at Tim Vine's announcement.
Big announcement.
So I decided to make the word "announcement."
A big version of it.
- [Greg] OK. - OK?
It's lateral thinking and I'm enjoying it.
Right, so I went to Bristol Airport, and I...
The prince of airports.
[laughter]
Do you want the first picture?
See, the first picture, I started to put the A and the N there.
The next picture will show the police arriving before I even got to the other...
[laughter]
...other N. And he was a nice chap.
He just said, "What are you doing?"
And I said, "I'm making a big announcement..."
I said, "Would you like me to leave?"
He said, "I think that's probably best, yes."
You are making a big announcement.
- [Tim] Yes. - But the reality is...
that under a flight path in a small airport,
- you wrote the word "AN". - Yes!
- [laughter] - That's the reality.
Liza Tarbuck next.
Aye.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Oh, good. I'm glad you have.
Um, I didn't really know what to do.
The idea of making a big announcement.
Yeah?
And I had one of those cob-ons where you sort of think,
"Well... why?"
[laughter]
And then I thought, "I have got a radio show."
"I will announce a big announcement."
Did anyone take you up on your
- big announcement? - Oh, every week.
Honestly, that's all there...
You know, because you'd have to class,
"Happy birthday, Sue!" as an announcement.
- So I've done it. - [Greg] OK.
[laughter]
I mean, I've got to say, Liza,
you seem angry about this task.
Uh, I think I am, yeah.
[laughter]
OK, Liza made an announcement of an announcement. Who's next?
OK, well, how about Asim Chaudhry?
- [Greg] Awww. - [Alex] Awww.
The big guns.
So I thought, "OK, hold on a minute,
- we're on quite a big show here." - [Greg] Yeah.
- You lot do numbers. - Oh, big numbers.
Big numbers, yeah. And I thought,
"What I'll do is I'll throw in a little Easter egg
announcement within this show."
Are you saying you've already made a big announcement on this show?
- In the previous episode... - Do you wanna see it?
Do I?
Oh, my God!
This is Asim's big announcement.
Before we do that, I just wanna say that
from today, I am now, officially, a vegan.
- [applause] - Come on. Come on!
[Greg] Thanks for the announcement.
Yeah, no worries. No, I'll keep you updated.
[laughter and applause]
So, obviously the show does numbers,
millions of people see it, and we're on Dave,
and all they fucking do is repeat shit.
So, double that up...
They do original content and they're excellent at it.
- [Asim] They are. - [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
What strikes me is that it was the last episode
that we filmed that you made that announcement.
And I didn't know that's what you were doing.
And I can't speak for everyone else,
I thought you'd just lost your mind.
[laughter]
We've still got the man who went to India.
- Now, listen... - [laughter]
Listen, what happened... Let me explain what happened.
- [Greg] Big country. - It's a huge country.
And I shot my mouth off.
Well, let's just have a look at it.
Yeah? OK.
- [dogs barking] - I expect these have been...
While we're here, can I quickly do a Taskmaster thing?
- [man] Yeah. - Is that alright?
Dogs of India!
BE QUIET!
[barking continues]
Hope that was OK.
That's a little thing, I have to do an announcement.
But nobody listened.
[laughter]
[applause]
All I can hope is when you flew back from India...
Yep?
...that you were just able to glance down...
[laughter]
...and see the word "AN".
- Just to chill you out. - [laughter]
Let's start from the top. Asim Chaudhry.
- Excellent. Five points. - Five points.
[applause]
I can't quite explain it, but I suppose he was
technically making a big announcement.
It was the work of someone with genuine problems,
but I'm gonna give him four points.
Four points to Tim. OK.
[laughter]
I'm gonna give Liza and Alice joint two points,
because they made an announcement
to a relatively big crowd.
Um, I'm sorry, Russell.
Oh, no, don't apologise, mate.
So, one point to Russell Howard.
- Correct. There we go, it's done. - OK, there we go. Done.
OK, I've got a big announcement.
Let's have another task.
- Just improvised that. - That was off-script!
- Just fucking improvised that. - That was brilliant.
OK, and this one's got drama and spoons.
[Greg gasps]
- [Tim laughs] - Hello, Tim.
- Hello there, Alex. - You ready?
Could've just handed it to me, you know.
Aww.
I failed it.
"Make the best parachute for this wooden spoon."
"You've got ten minutes to order your materials..."
"...and ten minutes to make your parachute."
"Slowest and most dramatic fall wins."
Well, I... I need string.
Shitloads of balloons.
Lots of balloons, filled with helium.
- How many? - 20? 30.
Two plastic bags, please.
A hardcore staple gun.
Get me a slingshot.
Oh, and actually, in case that doesn't work, some darts.
Buy me a flip-chart pad.
Would you like to start building?
I don't see why we would be delaying.
[applause]
We're looking for drama and a slow descent.
Yep.
And we're gonna start with a man that I know I've started to call...
Tim Vine.
Basically, for the drama, 'cause it's slowly and dramatic,
when the spoon hits the floor,
I'll say something, I'm in character, like in a real war film.
The spoons hits the floor, and then I will turn my head like this,
and you're up here, and I'll deliver it out there,
and that'll be your drama.
[Alex] Your time starts now, Tim. Ten minutes.
Oh, flippers.
Oh, bums on seats!
Oh, do me a favour.
[he sighs] I don't know how to make a parachute.
[laughter]
Right, now...
I know what you're thinking.
So if you could lower the grabber, that would be great, thank you.
[tense music begins]
No, Sarge!
What have you done?
[laughter]
[applause]
[cheers and applause]
The performance was incredible.
I mean, essentially, that was a man dropping some paper and a spoon.
[Greg] It slowed it down a bit, right?
- Yes, it did slow it down. - It did a tiny bit of that, didn't it?
- [Alex] Yeah. - A tiny bit.
But the acting...
Jesus Christ, that was moving.
What had Sarge done?
Yeah, give us some backstory.
[laughter]
Well, I was on a sort of cliff edge,
and he'd been trying to defuse a bomb that was hanging in a tree.
OK, but you've got a close bond, or not?
Well, we met at mealtimes but it was a...
[laughter]
And it's the moment at which he thinks he's defused it,
and he's about to jump away from the bomb,
and I know that his parachute is not really gonna hold him up.
So you accidentally caused Sarge's death?
Wait, so when you said, "What have you done?"
- You were talking to yourself. - [Greg] To yourself!
- [everyone gasps] - Oh, my God!
Goosebumps.
That's why at the end, my face crumples,
because it's too much for me to bear.
- Isn't that war? - [laughter]
Who's next?
- Alice and Asim next. - OK.
Grouped together for an unprecedented second time in the show.
- [Greg] The double As. - [Alex] Here they go.
Oh, no!
Oh, bloody hell.
I thought they'd be in like a bundle. Alex!
Fuck's sake.
How many have I lost there?
How has that happened?
[laughter]
Oh, God. Why is everything so stupid?
[she screams]
[laughter]
This is one of the most disappointing moments of my life.
This is doing something.
OK.
[whistle blows]
That's enough building. Thank you, Alice.
OK.
[Alex] What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna try and blast it dramatically out of the sky,
using darts and a gun, brackets, staple gun.
How does this work?
You know what...
It might just be better, me going with a stick. Dart on a stick.
This already feels more dramatic.
- You ready? - [Alex] Yes.
[staple gun clicks]
[laughter]
[balloon pops]
So it does work.
- Made me jump. - Made me jump too.
Then I was embarrassed about jumping.
OK.
[balloons popping]
- [Alex] Oh. Oh. Oh. - [Asim] Oh, shit.
[balloon pops]
- Thank you, Asim. - Thank you, Alex.
- [balloon pops] - Oh, my God.
[balloons popping]
- Thank you, Alice. - Thank you.
[applause]
Well, Asim. First things first.
I got the impression, once you'd got the balloons that you requested,
that you didn't really know how balloons work.
[laughter]
As you can see from my previous cream-filled thing,
me and balloons don't get along that well.
But it was floating down nicely,
and then you chucked it back up.
- No, I... - [laughter]
I was trying to pop more as it was happening,
- and then it got stuck, and... - [Greg] Yeah.
But if anything, that added to the
- dramatic nature of the whole piece. - Yeah.
He ended up falling from a greater height that when you started.
- Alice's one? - Yeah, beautiful.
I mean, honestly, that's one of the coolest things I think I've ever seen, Alice's.
- Yeah, great stuff. - Thank you.
- It was amazing, right? - Wow, and you watch things like snooker.
- Oh, all the time. - [laughter]
STOP IT!
Part three is contracted and part four is crowning.
- Witness its birth in part four. - [laughter]
[Asim groans]
[falsetto] ♪ Four! ♪
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final part of the show,
but the beginning of the rest of our lives together.
Oh, I genuinely want to kiss you right now.
Oh, do you?
Come on, then.
[gasps and cheers]
[cheers and applause]
Finally, finally!
At last.
- Before the break... - [laughter]
Before the break, that lot over there were
trying to make a parachute for a wooden spoon.
A slow and dramatic descent was meant to happen.
Here are the last two attempts in one go.
It's Liza and Russell.
Right. Let's do this.
[Alex] You've got ten minutes, Russell.
Sweet.
So I'm after a square here.
Oh, you shitter.
Oh, you bastard.
So something hideous has gone on here.
Look, it's splashed with drama.
One last bit.
[laughter]
Oh, God.
- Do you need a wee, Russell? - No...
Argh, you PRICK!
I'm just gonna have to Sellotape this bastard.
[laughter]
[he sighs]
I mean, it looks like the most basic...
Donald Trump puppet.
- [whistle blows] - [laughter]
You can pull it back by making it dramatic with powerful music.
So imagine that spoon...
is gonna land...
in the middle of an island
where there's a load of deserted Guides.
Girl Guides.
And this is the first spoon they've seen in four days.
- [Alex] When do I start the music? - Now.
[Alex] ♪ Pom po-pom po-pom! ♪
Not that mate, for fuck-- These girls are starving.
[Alex, slowly] ♪ Pom, po-pom, po-pom ♪
Better.
- Look, a spoon! A spoon in the skies! - ♪ Pom, po-pom, po-pom ♪
We're saved, Brown Owl!
[laughter]
[Alex] Thank you, Russell.
- See you, mate. - [laughter]
Let's get the flame established on the sparkler
to add a bit more drama.
[Alex] What's the code word for "drop"?
I think I might just say "drop".
[Alex] OK.
Drop!
[Liza] Wow!
[cheers and applause]
Can't be beat. Can't be beat.
[applause]
I might just roll in with the lads.
[she chuckles]
[Alex] Thank you, Liza.
OK, well, I'm not gonna criticise the parachute.
That doesn't need doing.
I'm intrigued by the fact that these Girl Guides...
Yeah.
Am I right in thinking that they will starve to death
unless they have cutlery?
[laughter]
Listen, these girls are so particular.
They're middle-class girls.
- They are upper class. - [Greg] They're upper class?
They've never even thought to eat with your hands.
I love the idea that you're so posh
that you can only eat with a wooden spoon.
[laughter]
Well, let's get on to the high drama of yours, Liza.
[Asim] Wow.
You have got to be delighted with that parachute.
I was slightly scared that it wasn't gonna inflate.
There's not a person in this room who didn't go,
"Now, that's a parachute."
[laughter]
- [Alex] OK. - [Greg] OK.
- Asim. - Yes.
One point.
Two points, Russell.
[Alex] Two points to Russell? OK.
- Three points to Tim. - OK.
[Greg] Bad parachute, good drama.
I'm gonna give five points to Liza...
- [Alice] Quite right. - ...four points to Alice.
[Alex] There we go. Liza Tarbuck wins the task.
- I gasped during yours. - [applause]
Last-minute scoreboard update, please, Alex?
OK, one task to go.
There's only one point separating the top two,
and they are Liza but Tim is in the lead,
with 20 points.
[cheers and applause]
It's that time again.
Please will you all make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
Who's gonna read the task out?
Tim Vine.
[Greg] Mr Tim Vine.
- Hello, Tim. - Hello.
- That's for you. - Thank you.
"You will each be given a category."
"You will each have ten seconds to say things that fall into that category."
"First, you must each predict how many
correct answers you will give."
"The person who has successfully
predicted the highest number wins."
- Is anybody else not understanding? - [Russell] Yep.
[laughter]
Before anything, you've got to write down a number
- on your whiteboard. - [Russell] Right.
That is the number you wanna try to hit.
We're gonna do it one at a time,
starting with the person who's written down the lowest number.
OK, has everyone got a number?
- [Liza] Yep. - Yeah.
Alice, what's your number?
Five.
[Alex] Asim?
Four.
[everyone gasps]
That's less bold.
[Alex] Liza?
[everyone gasps]
- Lovely writing. - Thanks.
[Alex] Russell?
[laughter]
What have you done, Russell?
I've written three and they've laughed at me in a derisory manner.
[laughter]
[Alex] Tim Vine?
[laughter]
But maybe that's a master tactic. Let's see.
[Alex] Tim, would you like category one, two, three, four or five?
I'll have category four, please.
Your category is...
counties.
Middlesex, Surrey, Sussex.
That's six seconds left.
[laughter]
Um, oh, uh...
[blows whistle] He's hit his target!
[cheers and applause]
- So, Russell, you've written down three. - Uh-huh.
Would you like category number one, two, three or five?
Can I have... three?
You have ten seconds to try to say...
three colours.
[laughter]
Eggs.
[laughter]
No. Green, red, blue.
[blows whistle]
- He's done it. He's done it! - [cheers and applause]
- Hello, Asim. - Hello.
You're trying to hit four. Would you like category one, two or five?
I'll go for one.
You've ten seconds to say four countries.
OK.
England, America, Germany, Italy.
[blows whistle]
- He's hit his target! - [cheers and applause]
- OK, Liza. - Yeah?
Would you like category number two or category number five?
I'm gonna go with category number five, and... you know.
I want you say five...
continents.
Asia, Europe, Antarctica,
Umm...
Oh, do you know what? I cannot think of anything.
[blows whistle]
- She's missed her target. - [audience groans]
She's missed the target.
- [Greg] Oh! - I'm out.
- Alice, you've said five. - Oh, God.
Would you like category two?
- Yes, please. - OK.
You've got ten seconds to say five crustaceans.
Lobster, crab, prawn, shrimp,
Boston Bay bugs.
Well, that last one knocked it right out the park.
[blows whistle]
[cheers and applause]
Why don't you all come down and we'll see how
that's affected the points for the whole show?
[applause]
How did they do, sweet cheeks?
Thank you. Um, they did well.
- Boston Bay bugs... - Yep?
As we all know, it's the common name for Thenus orientalis.
Ahhh.
It's a type of lobster. Lobsters are crustaceans,
which means that she hit her target of five,
and Alice Levine wins that task.
[Greg] Bam!
[cheers and applause]
It goes five to Alex, four to Asim,
three to Tim and Russell,
and one in last place for Liza.
So how has that affected the final scores?
It was a tight tussle, but the winner,
with 23 points, is Mr Tim Vine!
[cheers and applause]
Tim Vine is the rightful winner!
Please shoot off and reap your rewards.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that Asim Chaudhry has an announcement to make.
He isn't a vegan any more.
We've also learnt that Tim Vine has an an.
But tonight's winner is Tim Vine,
and for that, we're all thankful.
Thank you, everyone. Well done, Tim.
Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]