Thank you and welcome to Taskmaster
with your host, trophy model and humble tyrant, Greg Davies.
Hi. Right, let's get episode five under way
and meet our five galloping Goliaths.
They are... James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
[applause]
And next to me, he's a desperate, nervous twitch of a man,
but he's all mine.
Oh, who is it?
- [audience] Little Alex Horne! - It's little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
I thought today we could have a game of, uh...
Could we have a game of Truth or Dare?
- Yes, certainly. - OK.
- Truth-- - Truth or dare?
- No... No, I... - Yeah.
[laughter]
- Truth. Truth? - OK.
I want you to eat this dog biscuit.
Or you can take the dare.
[laughter]
Dare. Dare.
- Dare? Eat this dog biscuit. - Eat the dog biscuit.
[Greg] All of it.
[everyone groans]
[Jess] No!
What a glossy beard you're gonna have afterwards, though.
[laughter]
Enough tomfoolery. We've an episode to begin.
Yes, it's prize task time,
and for episode five, we've asked them to drag in
the worst present from a named relative.
[everyone gasps]
Yep. Fascinating response.
By the end of the proceedings,
the person with the most points will take home the worst presents,
sort of like a bad birthday, but good. OK?
Yes, I see.
- OK. Bad presents. - Bad presents.
Rhod, have you brought in?
I have brought in a present that my named relative, wife, Sian,
gave to me, and I think you for one, Mr Davies, will appreciate it.
[he laughs]
[laughter]
I... I will appreciate that, because I bought that for Rhod's wife.
[laughter]
Yes, you did.
I only gave it her two weeks ago, the cheeky...
Has she genuinely given it to you?
Yes! What did you expect her to do with it? Treasure it?
[laughter]
So it's on its third recipient, potentially, tonight,
in as many weeks.
Yeah. That's coming back to me at some point, isn't it?
Right, good. Jessica?
Well, I've chosen this sartorial nightmare from my mother.
I was 14 when I received this.
[groans and laughter]
What happens when you wear long opera gloves
and a feather boa to the senior school disco?
You do not get fingered.
[laughter]
What happens is, you watch your mate Nell...
[Kerry] Get fingered?
...getting off with the guy that you wanted to get off with
- in the school carpark. - Yeah, but where's Nell now?
Nell's happy.
- Is she? - Yeah.
It's a pretty, pretty awful gift,
and I'm sorry that it brought you down on your special night.
James?
My wife, Nell...
[laughter and applause]
Um, no, no. This present was given to me by my...
at the time, five-year-old nephew.
He made me a calendar for the year,
and for each month, he made up a joke,
'cause he knows I'm a comedian.
And he drew a picture to go along with it.
That sounds lovely.
I mean, honestly, it sounds absolutely charming.
Uh-uh.
Do you like people trying to give you material, mate?
[laughter]
That's what it looks like. There's April.
[everyone] Aww!
[James] "What did one broccoli say to the other?"
"You stink, because you've got poo on your face."
[Kerry] That's a good joke!
- That is a good joke. - It's a great gag.
I dunno how everyone else feels,
I think, so far, it's utterly charming,
and I think you're very cruel.
Do you wanna say anything to him down the camera?
I... I really like him, to be honest.
[laughter]
Kerry, what have you brought in?
Mine are dreamcatcher yin yang dangly earrings.
[Alex] Here they are.
- [audience groans] - [Jess] Lovely.
[Greg] Who bought you this?
My mum gave them to me, and her mate made them.
I mean, to combine the yin yang sign and a dreamcatcher...
- [Kerry] Yeah. - ...is sensational.
Because if you're a New Age kinda hippie lady,
that's double whammy, innit? Yin yang and a dreamcatcher.
God, it's all sorted.
Because you want balance, for your yin and yang,
but you want your dreams to get caught.
- [Greg] Of course you do. - [laughter]
Yeah, I mean, they're disgusting.
Er, Phil?
Um, I don't get many gifts from loved ones.
- Apropos of nothing. - Awww.
Well, I'm practical. I'll ask for, like, favours.
I'll get someone to get a watch restrapped
or pay my council tax for a year or something.
- Something useful. - [laughter]
Um, so I got my sister, um...
who's named Aimée,
to just gift me some used toilet roll.
- There it is. So, I think... - [audience groans]
[Phil] I don't think anyone's gonna have a worse gift
than literal shit on a toilet paper.
- But you asked her to? - I asked her to.
I'm here to win, I'm not here to make friends.
[laughter]
It's a great gift, though, 'cause if you get what you asked for...
that's the perfect gift, isn't it?
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
[laughter]
[Rhod] He's got a very good point, Phil.
- Right. - I've made some decisions.
OK. Last place?
Because it's not a sincere gift,
- one point for Phil Wang. - Argh!
Two points, and he's lucky to get these...
Right?
...because I thought that calendar was absolutely charming.
So did I. Ha-HA!
I love that calendar. Suck it.
[laughter]
Gonna make a note of that.
We'll drill down into what "it" is later. Off camera.
Right. I'm gonna give Kerry three points.
- [Alex] Three? OK. - Fair enough.
- Rhod, four points. - In second place.
And just because I think there's a great tragedy...
in the idea of... Jessica Knappett in long gloves
being ignored by boys...
Five points to Jessica Knappett!
- [Alex] Jess wins the task. - [cheers and applause]
- Slow revenge. - Yeah, worth it.
Let's move on, Alex.
OK, first task, and I'll make sure this one delivers.
Where is he?
Where's Alex?
"Deliver this task to Alex in the most spectacular way."
"Alex is in his caravan."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
Inside a cake.
No. It's not very good.
Not very spectacular.
Ah, if we put it in a cake.
What are they called, those...?
Bertie Bassett. What are they called?
The singing, dancing...
Busby Berkeley, not Bertie Bassett.
I think that'll be spectacular.
[applause]
Well, I'll tell you this, double points if...
Kerry ends up being dressed as Bertie Bassett.
[laughter]
- Well, do you want to start with Kerry? - Yes, please.
This is Kerry Godeliveryman. Here we go.
[Kerry] Alex!
- Yes? - Come out!
One, two, three, four...
[Kerry sings] ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Do-do-doo, do-do-doo ♪
♪ Do-do-do, doody-do, do-do do-do, doo-do ♪
[Kerry sings and laughs]
♪ Doooooo ♪
Pew! Drum roll!
♪ Do-do-do, doody-do, do-do do-do, doo-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do, doo-do ♪
Come on, then. Spin around with me.
Oh, right.
Look up there, Alex. Look up there.
And... do-dooo!
[Alex] Aww!
- How long do they do this for? - Well...
- Let's leave them to it for a bit. - Yeah, alright. Well, thank you.
- [applause] - [Kerry continues singing]
[applause]
I've got to say, so far, across the series,
Kerry has absolutely demolished the competition.
She's absolutely smashed it, but hand on heart,
I like to tell the truth,
that... that was shit.
[laughter]
- On so many levels. - Really?
- Really? What levels? - On so many levels.
Well, I'll just pluck them at random,
but the soundtrack.
Oh, no! It's catchy, though. It'll stay with you.
Yeah. ♪ Do-do-do ♪
♪ Doo-do-do, do-doo-do ♪
♪ Doo-do-do, do-do-do, do ♪
Alright, fuck you.
[laughter]
Well, I'll tell you now, that is not going to take some beating.
That's the end of this part of the show. Bye for now.
Hello!
And we're back.
I'm psyched. Are you psyched, Alex?
If you mean miked, then yes, I'm miked for sound.
Hello. Can you hear me?
Before the break--
- I find Alex's jokes incredibly irritating. - Incredibly irritating.
Before the break - thank you - I was sat in my caravan,
awaiting the most spectacular delivery of the very task
the contestants had opened.
Phil Wang is next...
to the man we're gonna see now. It's Rhod Gilbert.
[laughter]
[Alex] Hello.
- Alex. - Yes?
I want you to listen very carefully.
Inside this bin.
Some gloves, protective goggles, crash helmet.
Some loo roll, if you... if you need it.
If it goes wrong.
This can act as a shield.
You'll need to get in that bin,
get down that end, as far as you can,
down that end of the caravan.
- You get down. - Right. Get down.
And get ready to receive your task.
Thank you, Rhod.
I'm in the bin.
[Alex] The shield's up.
I think I'm ready.
Bloody hell.
[laughter]
Thank you, Rhod. You made a hole in my caravan.
Yeah... Sorry.
It's kind of gone straight through the other side.
Thanks, Rhod.
[applause]
Jesus Christ.
A misthrow would've gone through
the wrong part of the caravan and killed Alex.
At the time, I was shitting myself.
So, I didn't know it was coming, and afterwards
I was very surprised that the production crew
allowed him to do it.
'Cause it didn't feel like the goggles would make that much difference.
Well, it says something, to see that kind of rage come from a friend.
To see Alex's life genuinely endangered.
My heart was genuinely pounding, and yet,
I'm still thinking about how shit Kerry's was.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who are we going to see now, Alex?
Next up, it's...
a caster.
It's a--
[laughter]
[Alex] James A--
[laughter]
It's James Acaster.
Cue music.
[triumphant music plays]
[Alex] Hello?
Come out.
[laughter]
Cue fireworks!
Cue postman!
[audience cheers]
Richard Osman.
[applause]
- Finished? - Yeah!
Fireworks. Santa.
Why is he...? Why's he doing that?
Christmas.
[cheers and applause]
We'd better get this out of the way.
- You seem angry. - [Kerry] I'm livid.
- I am livid. - Yeah? Why?
Because I asked for fireworks and I didn't get them.
And secondly, that's one of the blokes I had dancing for me.
He's dancing better for him!
Why wasn't poor Kerry allowed fireworks?
Couple of things. She made the decision to want fireworks
near the end of the hour, when there was no time.
He was immediately, "I want fireworks."
Also, his was done on November the 2nd.
[laughter]
[Greg] All sounds very reasonable.
Well, it had the lot, didn't it?
Fireworks.
- [Greg] Fireworks. - Very easy to get.
Beardless Santa.
Beardless Santa danced wonderfully,
'cause he said some people don't ask him very nicely to dance.
[laughter]
It's easier to get Richard Osman than it is to get
someone with a beard, I found out.
[laughter]
Good work. Who's next?
Well, two left. Jess and Phil.
Who shall we see first? Definitely not Phil,
so let's see Jess.
Alex!
Come out now!
[Jess chuckles]
Lovely!
[Jess] Oh, who's that?
It's a very little Alex Horne.
- [cheers and applause] - [Kerry] Aww, that's beautiful.
I liked it.
It didn't look quite as spectacular on screen as it did in my mind.
It will be the first spectacular event of all time
to elicit silence from an audience.
[laughter]
You could've sung a song.
Like, ♪ Do-do-doo, do-do-doo... ♪
I don't think that would've made it better, as we found in yours.
Spectacular means "beautiful in a dramatic and eye-catching way."
I asked for a fucking hot air balloon and they wouldn't give it to me!
Ohh.
Oh, I got given one of them, but I didn't use it.
[laughter and applause]
Let's have a look at another.
There's one left. The last man is Phil Wang.
- Yes, please. - Here comes Phil.
Hello, Alex. I'm American celebrity, Taylor Swift.
Thank you, Taylor.
[laughter]
Hwah!
[laughter and applause]
Oh.
It says, "Eff you, James Acaster."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
What's this?
[applause]
When we started filming this,
I thought that James and I would have, like, a rivalry.
Um, and then I forgot about that.
[laughter]
Taylor Swift. A big icon for you?
Well, just a big celebrity. A big famous celebrity.
Yeah. Well, he managed to get the actual Osman.
I got-- That was actual-- You don't think that was...?
Oh, OK. Maybe that was the actual Taylor Swift.
Gut instinct tells me it was a not-senior member of production crew
who comes from the north of England.
- You wanna judge them, Greg? - Yeah. Yes, I do.
[laughter]
One point, Kerry. Awful.
Two points, Phil. Insane.
Three points, Jess. Beautiful and calm.
[laughter]
Four points, Rhod.
Incredible. Worryingly angry.
So that's second place, which means first place goes to...
Well, so much going on. It's Acaster.
[Alex] OK. Five points to James Acaster.
[applause]
Alex, would you be so kind as to show us the scoreboard?
I will, it's exciting. Phil is way back on three points.
But we have joint leaders. Jess and Rhod both have eight points.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Right, chuck another one up.
OK. Here's something ever so slightly different.
Oh!
- [Alex] Hello, Jess. - Hiya!
- Hi, Alex. - Hello, Phil.
- Hi, Rhod. - Hi.
[Alex] Hi, James.
[laughter]
"Make as many white circles on the target as possible."
"You must step beyond... this rope."
"You must not move this rope or the target."
"You have five minutes."
"Five minutes."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
[applause]
- [Kerry] What? - [Jess] What?
[applause]
[Kerry] What?
I'm feeling like I was made to make white circles
for a very long amount of time.
Yeah, well, everyone else was asked to do it for five minutes,
and Phil, clearly for 20. Why so?
So it's those four against Phil.
They're a team. Phil is by himself.
In theory, you've got an advantage here, Phil,
'cause you can make your plan and you've got longer...
to make it happen.
This feels like a typo that you're just trying to style out.
[laughter]
Oh, there we are. I can't believe part two is finished already.
Two parts left, though, so oooh!
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
You're all welcome, even the tossers.
- Listen... - [laughter]
This is Taskmaster, so there must've been a task under way.
Right every time. The current task involves trying to make circles
from a distance, on a target.
The twist is, four of the competitors,
namely James, Jess, Kerry and Rhod,
all had five minutes each to complete the task.
Wang had 20.
OK, first up, it's the four.
It's Jessie Caster and Gilbert O'Godliman. Ready?
Go.
In five minutes, I've gotta find something to make white circles with?
[Alex] Yes, please.
I mean, these are white things, but they don't stick, do they?
[Alex] I dunno.
- [Kerry] No, that's... - [Alex] No.
Should reach...
I just need to tape it.
[laughing] I won't get this done in time.
This is ridiculous. I can't do this!
That's not gonna make it.
That's shit.
[Alex] What's the plan with this?
Oh, you'll see.
I could make white paint out of...
yoghurt.
This is really...
- I need more time, Alex! - You've got one minute 20.
They're all little circles, though, aren't they?
[Alex] Oh, yeah.
Now I've just got to make the circles.
[Alex] Ooh!
- Didn't think of this, did you? - No.
[laughter]
Erm, is there a time limit on this?
[Alex] All the information's on the task, Jess.
Oh, God, I've got five minutes!
[Alex] Well, you've got 34 seconds.
- [laughter] - Ah! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! What am I gonna do?
[laughter]
That's a circle.
[Alex] Not a perfect circle.
Oh!
Yes!
- [whistle blows] - No!
[laughter]
- Thanks, Jess. - Yeah.
Pfffbt.
[applause]
I mean, Jesus Christ, where does...
You don't know what it's like! You panic.
Is it too late to change the teams?
[laughter]
I thought you'd just had another breakdown
when you threw a whole family pot of yoghurt at it.
No, I was trying to create a white canvas and then put circles onto it.
And that was genuinely clever, I thought, when you started making...
Yeah, but I thought I did better than that.
Well, you threw buckets at it. That was the problem.
We're gonna be quite generous with our definite of a circle here, aren't we?
Yeah, doesn't have to be a perfect circle.
I'll show you them, shall we? This is the four of their attempts.
I think you can work out which one is Jess's.
[laughter]
This is how I totted it up.
A total of 42.
[Greg] Can a one-man unit take them down? That's the question.
How did the Wang work out?
[Alex] What have we got, Phil?
I have two cans of whipped cream,
and two bottles of, I presume to be, mayonnaise.
Hup!
Ah, shit! That wasn't too bad!
[Alex] One circle.
- Fuck, look at that! - Yeah, that's a pretty good circle.
I think maybe like a... flick of the wrist.
Oh, shit. That was OK!
But, um, the circle was too big.
OK...
Hwee! Hwup!
Hwip!
Almost slipped on the rope.
That's one bottle done, but I think it's going pretty well.
I can't imagine anything else doing better than this.
[Alex] OK.
- Ooh, there's one on the floor! - [Alex] Yeah, not on the target.
Look at that! Heh heh heh.
Hup!
Aw, look at all them circles!
I'm gonna call it a day, 'cause I think I'm in danger now
of connecting up the circles.
[Alex] Well, you've got seven and a half minutes left.
Are you gonna see if you can get any more?
- No. - OK. Thank you, Phil.
Alright. Oh, there's a universe of circles here.
29... 33... 36... 37, 38...
I wanna say 38.
- [Alex] 38. - There were more.
[applause]
You took more time counting than you did making.
[laughter]
But that's not the official count, it's not my--
I presumed that y'all would count them out, like--
"Y'all"?
[Greg] What the hell's happened there?
- "You all"? - Yeah, I know what "y'all" is.
Oh, right.
W'all did count them up again, and...
W'all got 38 as well.
- Ah, boy. - [Greg] 38.
Well, I've gotta say, it seems very mean-spirited
for that lot to all get five points,
especially Jess.
[laughter]
And for Phil to get nothing.
- [Rhod] It does. - And yet...
them's the breaks.
That's the way that the cookie crumbles, y'all.
[laughter]
- Aww. - Sorry, Phil.
[Greg] What's next, then?
A task now. A task involving another human.
- Hello, Kerry. - Hello.
- Nice day. - Awful, it's just awful day.
- Hello, James. - I'm Geoff.
- Hello, Geoff. - Hi.
- Hello, Phil. I'm Geoff. - Hi, Geoff.
Phil. Good to meet you. How are you?
- I'm Jess. - Yep.
- You're Geoff. - Exactly.
Sometimes people call me Geoff as a joke.
No offence. It's funny 'cause I'm a girl.
Yes, I noticed.
[laughter]
"Cheer up this former traffic warden."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Why do you need cheering up?
I have...
a view on the world, at the moment,
generally, which is not particularly good.
[laughter]
Right, OK.
OK.
[Alex] Not an easy task.
[applause]
Oh dear.
Was it tough?
Hoo, yeah.
First to try and gee up Geoff are two fantastic people.
- It's Kerry and Phil. - [Greg] Oh, lovely.
What's your favourite part of the UK that you've travelled to?
Well, I lived in Scotland. Campbelltown in Argyll.
Er, and then...
Lotta soup. Lotta soup in Campbelltown.
A lot of soup in Campbelltown.
[Geoff laughs] Got it.
- Time! - Good one, good one.
Was that a joke, Phil?
- Yeah, yeah, it was a soup joke. - Well done.
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
Yes, but I did that with the grandchildren.
Shall we dance?
- I've got dodgy knees. - Dodgy knees. OK.
One of my favourite bosses from years gone by...
- Buses? - Bosses.
Oh, OK.
...said I'm a philistine.
- You're a philistine? - Yep.
- I'm Philip Wang. - [they laugh]
- Another joke there, Phil. - Another joke.
And it was philistine, Philip Wang, was it? Yeah?
[Kerry] You ticklish, Geoff?
- You wouldn't be comfortable with me...? - Hmm, I can not be ticklish.
[laughing] He's not ticklish!
What about knees?
That one's sore.
Oh, sorry. The other knee?
Yeah, it's sore as well.
- OK. - [whistle blows]
- We've had some good times. - OK.
Oh, look at what I can do with this. Look at this.
- [whistle blows] - Thank you very much.
- Take care. - Bye-bye.
- Goodbye, Phil. - Sorry about that.
[applause]
It was awful.
I would argue that you, Kerry, actively annoyed him.
[laughter]
I don't know what you mean.
"Are you ticklish, Geoff?"
"No. I've got bad knees."
"Argh, eugh, argh!"
No, I tickled him, we talked about his grandchildren, I sang to him...
No, no, no, no...
You sang to him, and he witheringly said,
"Yes, it's the sort of song I might sing to my grandchildren."
Not the worst song Kerry could've sung to him.
[laughter]
[Jess] From the repertoire.
♪ Doo doo doo ♪
- Phil? - I liked Geoff a lot.
I liked his energy.
He also has great taste in gags.
Yeah, well, you had two big hitters, early doors.
Yeah.
And that really landed with Geoff, against all odds, I've got to say.
- [Greg] The soup gag, I mean... - So happy with that soup gag.
I would've bet the lives of all those dear to me
that that wasn't gonna land.
[laughter]
Let's see some others.
OK, it's the two Js. Acaster and Knappett.
- Er, let's do a roleplay. - Mm-hm?
- What's your name? - Geoff.
Thank you, Geoff. Can I buy you a holiday?
Where would you like to go?
- Tenerife. - OK. Hold on a second.
Let's go and sit on the grass and have a laugh.
- OK. - Copy me.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
- You really want me to do that? - Yes, Geoff!
- HA HA HA HA HA! - HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Yes...
- Come on, Geoff! - Oh, you want to do it again?
- Yeah, you have to keep doing it. - Oh, do I?
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha ha!
Keep fake-laughing until you laugh.
- Aha ha ha ha ha! - I don't think it's gonna happen.
Oh, Geoff.
Just stand there, Geoff, and close your eyes.
Take his arm like you're his wife.
You're in Tenerife. You wanted to hear the water, didn't you?
[Geoff] Yep.
What else do you like to do in Tenerife?
Eat, drink and be merry.
Wrap your lips around this.
- [laughter] - Cider.
- Cider? - Tastes like cider.
Champagne.
What else do you do in Tenerife?
Sometimes go off on a trip up into the mountains.
OK, up into the mountains.
Going up the mountain now. You have to climb up this mountain.
Peaceful. Away from all of the hubbub...
- [emergency sirens nearby] - ...of the city life.
Traffic warden days are behind you now. There's all peaceful--
[sirens continue]
Still got your champagne here, Geoff, if you want it.
[Jess] You're sort of making me feel a bit sad...
- I've depressed you. - ...actually, Geoff, to be honest.
Yep. I can see that.
Might make me smile, though.
Oh, does it make you happy to make other people sad?
- There's a certain amount in that. - Oh, got it!
Shall we do a little bit of roleplay?
Ugh, where's my car?!
Uh, in the police pound.
Why?
Did you not see the sign? No waiting, including disabled.
I need my car, I've gotta go to the footy!
Pay £125 and go and get it back.
- You're enjoying this. - Yep.
[whistle blows]
We got there in the end, didn't we, Geoff?
We did.
So now it's bedtime. Put your head on that pillow there, Geoff.
And your wife can get into bed as well and lay down to sleep.
Put the duvet over you both.
Dream sweet dreams.
[blows whistle]
Thank you, James.
[laughter and applause]
I mean, what I've got to say is,
it doesn't matter what you think about what you saw there,
the madness that Acaster brought to that task...
That smile on little Geoff's face at the end was genuine.
When he was in bed with his wife.
[laughter]
It was a genuine smile.
But I think you really cracked it.
Yeah, I think I did.
Because brilliantly, you realised that what Geoff likes
is to make other people unhappy.
[laughter]
I said to him, "Geoff, I feel quite sad now."
"You've brought me down to your level, haven't you?"
And he went, "Heh heh."
The more depressed you got, the happier he got.
At one point, you talked about death, and Geoff said,
"Death doesn't affect the dead."
And he really smiled after that.
[laughter]
- There's one left. - Yeah.
Do you wanna see Rhod tackle Geoff?
- Yes, I do. - OK.
"Cheer up this former traffic warden."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Cheer up, Geoff.
OK.
How are you feeling? Better?
Fine.
He's alright. I've done it.
- [Alex] Finished? - Yeah, finished. Stop the clock.
Happy days.
- Cheers, Geoff. - Cheers.
- Yeah, enjoy the rest of your day. - Thank you.
- Thanks, Rhod. - Thanks, mate.
[cheers and applause]
I said, "Stop the clock." It's not a timed task, is it?
I said, "Stop the clock." I thought it was a timed task.
But I just realised, watching it back, that it wasn't.
- Oh, it wasn't. - [laughter]
Let me put it this way.
If you were in a caravan with me, which would you rather?
I say, "Cheer up, Greg" and walk out,
or I stay there for 20 minutes with you?
Yeah, yeah. Definitely, I'd prefer you to leave.
That is a very good point.
Scores?
- Yep! - OK.
I think Kerry put Geoff in a worse mood. I'm gonna give her one point.
[Alex] Oh, one point though, Kerry.
I think that leaving the van made Geoff happier than he was
before Rhod was in the van with him. Two points.
- Phil... - What?
Couple of absolute cracking openers,
but he really hated the thumb thing.
I think three is more than fair.
And I can't separate Jess and James,
and I think they both deserve five points.
Well, they're both doing the same body language. Two winners.
- [cheers and applause] - Jess and James. The Js!
Alex, can I have a scoreboard, please?
Yeah. We've got Phil - I'm gonna use the word languishing -
on six points.
But Jess is 12 points ahead on 18 at the moment, in the lead.
- There we go. - [applause]
Wooo!
It's time for a break. See you soon.
Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster part four.
Another task, please, Alex. Quick as you like.
OK. It's time for a quick change of perspective.
- It's a long walk, this, innit? - Here he is.
- Hello. - Hello, Kerry. Hello, Jess.
- Hello, Rhod. - Hello.
- Hello, Phil. - Hi, Alex.
Hello, James. You alright?
Do you not say hello, James?
Would you like to open the task?
OK.
- It's tiny. - Quite small.
Have you got good eyesight?
Oh my God.
[Alex] Would you be able to open the task for us, James?
Yep.
He doesn't mind doing that.
[Alex] That's nice.
He's got very strict rules today about what he will and won't do.
"Make yourselves look as little or big as possible."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
What, with the camera?
[Alex] You do whatever you want
to make yourselves look as little or big as possible.
[applause]
Now, the first lot we're going to see
have the shortest life expectancy.
Yes, it's the men.
- [laughter] - Here we go.
Hello, James!
[he squeaks] Hello, Alex!
How do you do, Rhod?
[he squeaks] Hello, Alex!
Phil?
[Phil booms] Hello, Alex!
Argh!
Fee, fi, fo, Phil!
[applause]
[Alex] Fee, fi, fo, Phil.
I mean, incredible. Credit to you, I thought that was awesome.
Guess how we did it.
[laughter]
How the hell was it done?
Me and Rhod...
weren't as close to the camera as it appeared.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see...
Do you wanna see a team
with an impressively even number of ribs?
[laughter]
Jess and Kerry. Here we go.
Hey! Jess, catch!
I like your bangle.
It's yours.
Thanks.
I've got you a massive duck.
Kerry, it's tiny.
Got you a little something.
What is it?
Little portrait of Greg.
Oh! No, no, it's too big!
Jess, it's massive!
Jess! Argh!
Ooh.
- You alright? - Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I love it. I love it.
[cheers and applause]
Seemed funnier on the day!
I enjoyed the technical prowess very much.
- It's a very close-run thing for me. - [Alex] Is it?
Very, 'cause I thoroughly enjoyed both films.
- [Alex] Right. - Did you?
[Rhod] Did you?
You know, in the context of my contractual obligations, yes.
I'm gonna award it on the basis
that the boys did look physically smaller,
and in Phil's case, physically bigger than the girls.
- OK, so how many points to the men? - Well, three points to the men,
- and two points to the women. - OK, there we go.
[Alex] Three to the men, two to the women.
[applause]
Right. Will all five of you please vacate the area
and head to the stage for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
Visually stunning already.
Who will be reading the task out, Alex?
The person who is wearing the outfit the best. Jessica Knappett.
Aww.
"Taking it in turn, each team must dangle one of these items on the hanger."
"A different member of the team must dangle each time."
"Once you've touched one of the items, you must dangle it,
and you must dangle within 20 seconds of the previous dangler."
"The team doesn't cause the items on the hanger to fall wins."
So this is the first ever team studio task.
Got it.
So it's women versus men. Are there questions?
- Yes. - Hello, Kerry.
- I don't understand it. - [Jess] I don't.
It just says "dangle" a lot.
- I'll run you through it, Kerry. - Thank you.
So you might come along and pick up the massive duck,
and dangle it by the hook on the beam.
Then one of the men will come along and pick up
another item, dangle it on the beam. OK?
- OK, so we're just dangling shit. - The first team member that causes
the hanger to fall are the losers, right?
Exactly that.
Ah! It's coathanger Buckaroo.
It's coathanger Buckaroo!
Why didn't you say it was coathanger Buckaroo?
And Alex, once you've picked an item up, there's no putting it down again.
- Do you understand that? - YES!
I'll be watching you like a fucking hawk.
Right, let's do it.
Quite a fat hawk, to be fair.
[audience gasps]
He's right. I've let myself go.
- What did you...? - [laughter]
Earlier, Greg gave me this card.
I don't know if you want to read that. That's...
"I, Gregory Davies, being of sound mind,
hereby predict that during the coathanger task,
Rhod Gilbert will make a joke about how fat I am."
[laughter and applause]
So the women are first up. You've got 20 seconds.
Starting... [blows whistle]
- So one of you step forward. - [Greg] Jess, you go first.
[cheers and applause]
- So you must hang that now. - You must hang that.
- Is that heavy or light? - It's clearly heavy.
This is absolutely fine. I know what I'm doing.
And that's 20 seconds. You must let go. Let go, please.
OK, men, step forward. One of you, one of you.
OK, Phil's gone. Phil's gone.
- [Rhod] Phil, time! - [James] Come on, Phil.
- [Alex] Ooh, heavy one. - [everyone gasps]
- It's going to be counter-intuitive, isn't it? - [James] It's OK, Phil. It's OK.
You've got five seconds.
[everyone gasps]
[Jess] Game over?
- [cheers and applause] - [Jess] Game over.
I thought they made the heavy things look light!
We win. That was an anticlimax, wasn't it?
Please come down and we'll see how that's affected the final scores.
[cheers and applause]
[applause]
Biggest anticlimax in Taskmaster history?
Well, I mean, I think someone ruined it for everyone,
but I don't think it's anyone's fault.
Come on, let's have some stats and stuff.
Well, it does mean the women are stretching their lead.
93 points each to Kerry and Jess.
Joint first in the series, so well done them.
- [cheers and applause] - Yes! Joint first is good.
The nearest man is Rhod with 85,
then James with 82, then Phil with... 68.
But in this episode, in first place,
it's Jessica Knappett who's on 25 compared to James's 20.
Jessica Knappett wins!
[cheers and applause]
Well done to Jessica Knappett.
Please go and gather your terrible presents!
Yeeah!
So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt, apparently, if you want to cheer up a traffic warden,
don't target his arthritic knees!
But now, let's hear it again for tonight's winner,
a better person than any of us,
it's Jessica Knappett.
See you next time for our 50th show!
[subtitles by tribbletown]