Hello!
I'm still Greg Davies and this is still Taskmaster.
Hope you're still watching.
There are just two episodes left for one member
of this almighty cast to prove themselves worthy
of guiltily fondling my gilded face.
These prospective champions have names and I'm about to shout them.
So please welcome... James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
[applause]
And rudely rocking up next to me,
it's my quasi-quartermaster, little Alex Hooorne.
[cheers and applause]
- You know I like you a lot. - Yeah.
I got a present for you. Would you like your gift?
Yes, please.
I've got you a horse-drawn carriage.
[audience] Woooo!
The trouble is, horses can't draw.
[laughter and applause]
- Do you get it? - I do.
- Do you get it? - I do get it.
I think I should properly display this.
Um, perhaps you two gentlemen would hold it up for me?
Would you guys come up?
A horse-drawn carriage. Funny, isn't it?
[gasps and laughter]
[applause]
We should really move on to the prize task.
Oh, I was gonna say that. Jinx!
And today, right now,
the prize category is the most surprisingly beautiful thing.
- Ahhh. - Like our friendship, for example.
Yeah, right.
Whoever's thing - it's a bad example -
whoever's thing is decided to be the most surprisingly beautiful
by you, my friend, will get five points.
At the end of the show, someone will get to go home
with five surprisingly beautiful things.
- OK. Good. - Mm-hm.
Rhod?
My surprisingly beautiful thing, the backstory is,
in 1992, I went travelling all around the world, Greg,
and I saw all the sights. I saw the Taj Mahal,
I saw the Blue Mountains of Australia,
the Gold Coast, Greg.
And then I came home, and we were driving back to West Wales,
and we passed the industrial landscape of Port Talbot.
And it had an ethereal beauty at night
that was unsurpassed on my entire trip.
There better be a hell of a punchline to this story.
[Rhod] Let's have a look at the picture.
- [Alex] Here we go. - [Greg] Yep, there we are.
[laughter and applause]
Ugh, you bellend.
[Greg] Phil Wang?
I saw the brief for the most surprisingly beautiful thing,
and so I got this jack-in-the-box.
I'm actually gonna show you a little video this time, Greg.
[tinkly lullaby plays]
[laughter]
[applause]
It's the late Grace Kelly of Monaco.
Universally considered one of the most beautiful women in history,
but she's come out of a jack-in-the-box.
I mean, I actually think, technically, it's quite good.
And yet...
- And yet I have a feeling. - ...I feel empty inside.
Yep.
Jessica?
What is your feeling on sand?
[laughter]
I despise it.
I go on exclusively pebble or shale beaches.
As we've seen in the picture.
[laughter and applause]
So... it may surprise you to learn,
when you take a closer look,
under a microscope,
it is surprisingly... beautiful.
[scattered laughter and cheers]
Is all sand that, if you put it under a microscope?
Or will some sand just be irritating bits?
It'll all look like that.
Yeah, OK. James?
For my birthday one year,
my friend Sam drew a picture of me,
and it was so surprisingly beautiful
that I framed it and I put it up in my own bedroom.
[laughter]
[James] There are some things that are off-putting.
Off the top of my head, I've got witch's tits and two dicks.
Now... the whole thing shouldn't work, and yet...
It works!
Yeah. It's funny how a work of art
can make you realise things about the actual person
you hadn't realised before.
And you do indeed have the face of an old lady.
Yeah.
[Greg] Kerry?
My thing is art made from a placenta.
[everyone groans]
It's like a tree, it's sort of about life,
and who could've seen that it came
out of a bunch of flesh and veins?
What a surprise!
Well, I am surprised by the fact that
the reality of a picture of a placenta
is actually worse than what I had in my mind.
'Cause what I had in my mind was already disgusting.
[Alex] Ready to judge them?
Oh, Chr-- Yeah. Well, he can have one point for a start.
Oh, no, come on!
You've had your money's worth out of that picture, you prick.
I felt like there was stuff coming into my mouth during yours, Kerry.
- You can have two points. - Fair enough.
Er, James, you know... I mean, it's not beautiful,
but I'm vaguely intrigued by the whole two-dick thing.
You can have three points.
Wait, so Phil's got a chance of winning...?
I think he's got to be, on a technicality.
It has all the elements of a surprisingly beautiful thing.
I think it's rubbish and I think it's a hollow victory,
but you just brought a pile of sand in,
and then tried some sort of microscope bullshit on us.
So, against all odds, five points to Phil Wang.
[cheers and applause]
Let's get going. Proper tasks.
Yes, OK then. And as a little tribute to your number one hobby,
this task involves counting money.
Ready? Mm-mm.
[Alex] Hi, Phil.
[he sniffs and sighs]
Hmm. Hm-mm.
Swear box.
That can fuck off, for a start.
That's a red rag to a bull, that is to me, that, a swear box.
Pissing little slotty red shit.
"Put the most money in the small bowl."
"You may not touch the small bowl."
"The small bowl must not sink."
"Also...
...you must say your own name at least once every 30 seconds."
With pleasure.
"You have five minutes."
"The money in the small bowl
with the highest total numerical value wins."
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
Pretty straightforward, then, Alex?
Coins into the bowl.
They must not touch the little bowl.
[both] They mustn't touch the little bowl.
They must not touch the little bowl.
The little bowl must not sink.
Oooh!
It's the highest numerical value.
OK? So a 50 pence piece is worth 50,
a £1 coin is worth one.
- Yes. - Alright?
Got it.
We're gonna start with either end of the panel.
Sweary Rhod and wary James. Here we go.
God, how do you get into a fucking swear box?
Twenty-five.
So a 50 is worth 50 and a £1 is worth one.
OK, they're all foreign coins, I get you, yeah.
Ten... ten...
[Rhod] Uh, 50, right, OK.
Five, 25, Rhod Gilbert.
James Acaster.
Uh, 20, 20... Is there anything bigger than 20?
What have we got there? 100!
Oh-ho, 100 escudos. James Acaster.
Oh, oh, whoa!
James Acaster.
Rhod Gilbert.
100!
Ho ho ho, 50!
Ho ho ho!
That's gonna go under if I put another one in.
[Rhod] Ah, 20... Oh, ah, don't you dare!
Am I allowed to touch it? No.
"You must not touch the small bowl."
Hang on a minute. I can touch the big bowl!
No-- Argh!
[groans and laughter]
How long have I got?
Oh, fucking hell!
[laughter]
I mean, it sums up how I did on the tasks, doesn't it?
A dead face in a bowl.
[laughter]
Oh, shit. Rhod Gilbert!
- Done. - [whistle blows]
God, that almost went wrong in so many different ways.
[laughter and applause]
Proud of yourself?
Two words: nervous breakdown.
- [Greg] Simple as that. - Every episode.
Yeah. When you're scooping things out...
- What, something delicate? - Something delicate.
"Oh, I've got a delicate situation here,
involving a little bowl within water..."
- What do you reach for? - A skull!
- Skull! - [laughter]
The skull has holes in it for the eyes and jaw bones.
I thought, "That'll drain it as it's coming out."
However, I neglected to notice that the skull
was slightly bigger than the bowl opening.
Do you wanna move on?
Yeah, I do, because somebody must have done that better.
Now, for those people who want to see Phil and Jess together,
it's Jess and Phil. Here we go. Ready?
[Greg] Yes.
Ah, 50.
100 colones.
Phil Wang, throwin' in the coins.
Is there a penalty for saying my name too many times?
- [Alex] No, no. - Ah, Phil Wang.
Philly Philly Wang. Phil, Phil Wang.
Philip Wang.
Oh, hundreds.
[Jess] 20!
Oi, oi, no, no!
Ahhh!
Ah, man.
Ten, ten, ten...
[laughter]
[Alex] Well, it's not the time...
- [laughter and applause] - [whistle blows]
Shiiiiit!
I have been genuinely traumatised by the sight of Phil's genitals...
in that costume, and I thought I'd sort of got used to them,
until I saw them magnified through a goldfish bowl.
[laughter]
Surprisingly beautiful, I thought.
What intrigued me is, both of you seemed genuinely shocked
when the bowl did sink.
I'm an optimist, I don't know what to say.
It looked well-designed to withstand the load.
Erm, but I gave it too much load, I...
[laughter]
Phil is a trained engineer.
That's why he's using all this technical terminology.
OK. Now stop, just stop, breathe, take a break.
Come back when you've all calmed down.
GO!
Hello. It's Taskmaster and it's the start of part two,
so you know what that means?
It means that Alex gets to make his special noise.
Heeeh.
Now, what was happening before the break?
Well, there was the money bowl task. You know the one.
There's a little bowl floating in a fish bowl.
They're trying to put as much money in the little bowl
as possible without it sinking.
Oh, and so far, everyone has failed.
But there's one person left, one ray of hope.
One Kerry Godliman.
Ten.
Twenty.
Kerry Godliman.
30, 40...
50, 60...
Kerry Godliman.
110!
100!
210.
Kerry Godliman.
I'm gonna go for loads of these little friends.
Kerry Godliman.
- They missed-- - [audience gasps]
[Alex] Hmm, missed the bowl there.
Is it worth getting? I think it is.
I think it's worth getting. It's a really light one, and it's...
[she gasps]
OK, I'm stopping. Kerry Godliman.
[Alex] Well, we're gonna have to wait
two and a half minutes to see if that sinks.
- [laughter] - Oh, really?
It's not gonna sink. Staring at it's not gonna do anything.
[Alex] Put any more money in?
- Well, no, because then it will sink! - Right, I see.
Kerry Godliman, Kerry Godliman.
- Five seconds left, Kerry Godliman. - Kerry Godliman. Five seconds.
Kerry Godliman four, Kerry Godliman two...
Kerry Godliman one...
[whistle blows] OK, thanks Kerry.
- OK. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
[applause]
It's the Kerry Godliman system.
It's the most obvious route.
- It's direct. - [Kerry] Yes.
- And it gets the job done. - Absolutely.
- Bosh. - Bosh.
In many ways, you are the grand master of this show.
- Well... - Wow.
That's praise indeed, thank you.
Yeah, because you don't think.
I do think! That's not a fluke, that's brains, mate!
Yeah, your system works,
- and I'm complimenting you. - Thank you.
Do you have compliments for the rest of us?
[laughter and applause]
Not for you, Skull Boy.
Do you wanna score it?
Five points for the Bosh Queen, Kerry Godliman.
- OK, five to Kerry. - Thank you.
- Everyone else? - Zero.
Oh, what?
Kerry Godliman wins the task! Five, nil, nil, nil, nil.
[cheers and applause]
Give them the scores.
Kerry's in the lead at the moment with seven points.
[applause]
Look, I wanna give out some more points.
Let's have some more tasks.
OK, then. Here's a confusing one for you
that will mean different things to different people.
- Hello. - [Alex] Hello.
Fez.
Ooh, a fez.
What the fez?
- [Alex] I'll write it down. - A joke to start us off.
- No, I liked it. - Jot that down, gimme a point.
- I was laughing, as well. - Fez is quite close to what the...
- Yeah, no, I got it. - Yeah?
"Be photographed in the most unusual situation
wearing this fez."
"You have eight weeks."
"Your time starts now."
I didn't know that they were soft!
- I thought they were hard. - [Alex] Like a flower pot?
Yeah, I did think they were like a flower pot.
And I take the fez? I need the fez.
- That's your fez now. - Yeah, key isn't it, the fez?
See you soon.
- Goodbye, Kerry. - Bye-bye.
- Hi, Alex. - Oh, hello, Phil.
[Alex] Hello, James.
"Hula."
[sighs] Fuck.
"Hula. You have one minute."
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
- What? - What?
A split task?
Yes, we've divided them up.
We've got the children and the grown-ups.
Shall we start with Jess's fez adventure?
Yeah.
Yes. I'm wearing a fez in...
the cockpit of an aeroplane!
With a pilot, genuinely,
who, when I asked to go into the cockpit,
and he went, "Oh, that's weird. My name is Fez."
And it's complete true. We can see his name badge.
[Jess] Andy Ferrington.
- [laughter] - [Greg] Andy Ferrington?
AKA Fez.
Well, I think it's not a bad attempt
to have a picture with you and Andy Ferrington.
Fez. I invited Fez down.
No one has called that man Fez in his life.
Fez!
[Fez] Yeah!
[laughter and applause]
Thank you!
[applause]
Would you like to see Kerry's fez picture?
Yes, I want to see Kerry's fez picture.
I went back in time.
- [audience] Oooo. - I did. I found a portal
and I went back to oldy worldy times.
Tudory times.
- [laughter] - [James] Wow.
- [Jess] Wow. - That's me in the past.
I'm not a historian, Kerry, but...
Does "Tudory times" cover a very specific period?
I wasn't asked about that.
I was just asked to have my picture taken in a fez
in an unusual situation, so I fulfilled my brief.
Bosh.
[laughter and applause]
Rhodri?
Yeah, I think you'll agree this is an unusual situation.
[laughter]
[Rhod] Greg.
- I... Listen, I haven't... - [James laughs]
I haven't looked round yet, but if this is a fez
superimposed on top of a picture of me looking fat...
[laughter and applause]
Ah, Jesus Christ.
You traitorous old woman.
[laughter]
[Alex] Who is-- Who is that, Greg?
[Greg] As you well know, it's my mother.
And she's here tonight!
She is.
Oh!
[laughter]
So it's an unusual task. The maximum point is three.
I mean, the truth is, we've got to stick to the rules.
- [Alex] Yep. - Rhod's not wearing the fez.
Are you gonna give him any points?
Well, I'll give him one point because I love my mum.
[audience] Awww.
I would give Kerry more,
but something tells me she hasn't been back in time.
There's inaccuracies in that picture that says...
- I did go back in time. - ...she actually went to a company,
who do pictures for people on bad stag dos.
- I went back in time. - I'm gonna give her two points.
Two to Kerry.
And I'm gonna give Jess three points
purely because Fez is a legend.
[cheers and applause]
Fezzy!
Are you ready for the hula-hoopers?
Am I?
So, they were told to hula for one minute.
This is what they did.
I've never been able to hula-hoop.
Ugh, ugh!
Oh, that's alright! That's OK, that!
Ow!
Hurts! Hurts!
Ah! Oh!
I've never done this before.
This is a first!
[slow-mo] Come on, come--
[slow-mo grunting]
Argh!
[whistle blows] Thank you.
"Improving your hula-ing."
"Greatest improvement wins."
"You have until the studio shows."
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
[Greg] I don't know if anyone else found that as traumatic as I did.
I could not take my eyes off it.
You didn't have a choice!
It doesn't matter sometimes how ornate the grandfather clock is.
The pendulum draws the eye.
[laughter]
Are we basically saying that James has got to do
more than six seconds to win this task?
Well, it depends how many more seconds than 57 Wang does.
It's who improves the most.
Let's see how they do right now.
[audience] Oooo.
You're gonna have one attempt at this.
When I blow my whistle, please start hula-ing.
Greatest improvement wins.
- [whistle blows] - [Greg] Hula.
[cheers and applause]
[whistle blows]
- [whistle blows] - Oh, fuck!
I've been practising so much!
I've been practising so much.
I'm really good at this. I'm really good now.
- I'm really good. - [cheers and applause]
I got nervous!
I got nervous. I'm really good now.
I've got really good.
I mean, it is impressive, isn't it?
It is such a shame we've got to take his first attempt.
[audience groans]
Can you just take his second attempt, I would suggest?
- Which was spectacular. - [audience cheers]
[cheers and applause]
Them's the rules, I'm afraid.
[Alex] So from the start of the spinning...
Yep.
Phil, one and a half seconds.
[laughter and applause]
- James Acaster... - Yep?
Five seconds.
- [audience groans] - Oh, my God.
[Alex] It's greatest improvement. Maximum of three points, again.
- It's completely up to you, Greg. - Oh, God.
I don't think Phil Wang has practised hula-hooping once.
But I'm gonna give him one point, regardless.
I am going to deem it that James Acaster
has made the most improvement.
But I can't give him full marks,
so I'm going to give him two marks.
- There, it's done. - Two points to James Acaster.
- [Greg] Ready, Alex? - [Alex] Always.
One, two, three...
[both] Break.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Right, little Alex Horne.
I, for one, would like another task.
And I, for one, would like to give you one.
[Alex] Hello, Rhod.
- Done a wash? - These are all Greg's socks.
"Find the sock with the satsuma inside."
"You may not look inside any of your socks."
"You may squeeze five socks..."
"...stroke ten socks, and sniff 20 socks."
My rules every day, anyway.
Argh, so many things.
"You may put your hand inside three socks."
"You may put 11 socks on your feet."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
[applause]
Um, I'm a little bit irritated.
Someone appears to have graffitied on the side of my caravan.
That was awkward.
So I obviously put the satsuma in the eighth one along,
and the big 8 there was to remind me that's the one it was,
but I left it up.
[everyone groans]
If any of them had looked back at any point,
that would've been so annoying.
They'd have seen it was eight socks down.
He's angry about the hula-ing.
[Greg] You're still-- You're not angry about that, are you?
Oh, no, I'd calmed down about that,
and then Jess pointed that out,
and now I remember that I hate this show.
[laughter]
First satsuma hunters we're gonna see are Rhod, James and Ke--
Sorry, aren't Rhod, James and Kerry.
Here's Jess and Phil.
It doesn't say you can't look in it.
[Alex] Are you sure? What's the first line?
"You may not look inside any of the socks."
No... Hmm...
- You have no more strikes. - No more strikes?
- Ugh, I think this one's been worn. - They've all been worn.
- Ugh, have they? - They're Greg's socks.
[she groans]
Yes!
Not satsuma!
Could be.
Still no.
Could be a satsuma.
I can put them on my feet now.
Guys!
- What is it? - That's a bloody egg!
[groans and laughter]
'Cause... ah!
My foot's become so cold, I can't actually feel it.
Argh!
That's a satsuma.
Bingo.
Oo-ah!
I think this is a satsuma.
[Alex] What have you found?
A LIME!
[he groans] Oh, God.
[Alex] Unlucky, Phil.
[applause]
Has anyone in cinema history been so...
passionate about tossing a lime into the air?
A LIIIIME!
[laughter]
I got citrus. That's as close as I got.
You largely were listening for the fruit.
Well, you did use your foot in the end, because you said,
"The foot is just the hand of the leg."
[laughter]
Oh, that's poetic.
Jesus Christ.
21 minutes and ten seconds to find a lime.
A what?
A LIIIME!
I mean, there's only... Was there only one egg in the socks?
Oh, yes. There was one egg in 50 socks.
She found that with her foot.
You sniffed it out with your leg-hand, though, didn't you?
Yeah, I did. It was quite difficult to find that it was a satsuma
with your... with your leg-hand.
'Cause I've never rolled a satsuma onto my leg-hand before.
I feel like I've been popping pills.
"Have you ever rolled a satsuma onto your leg-hand before?"
She took 16 minutes and 56 seconds,
but succeeded, so she is currently in the lead.
[Greg] OK, good.
[applause]
Next up, it's James and Kerry.
How many socks are there?
[Alex] It's a great question. There's a lot on there.
Oh, God.
- It's not this one. - How do you know?
That does not look like a satsuma to me.
[Alex] OK.
Get in the bath.
That is a tennis ball.
Not that one. That's a tennis ball.
Ho ho! That's a goddamn snooker ball!
That wasn't a satsuma.
That could've been a satsuma.
This is a tennis ball. This is a tennis ball.
[Alex] You've got 19 sniffs left.
Never thought anyone would say that to me in my whole life.
Not that one.
This is demeaning.
That's not a satsuma.
I swear to God, if this isn't one.
Suck it.
I think it's a satsuma.
[Alex] Well done, Kerry.
[cheers and applause]
Nice to add to your vast collection of catchphrases during that task.
"This is demeaning." That'll really catch on.
"Get in the bath."
"Suck it" is one we've seen before.
- Yeah? - But I always enjoy it.
Also, with a satsuma, double... Works on two levels.
James seemed fairly impressive to me.
He took the same amount of time it takes me
to wake you up in the morning with my little kisses.
Nine minutes and 34 seconds.
Not bad.
Kerry, I think I've been a bit mean about your approach to tasks.
I thought that seemed very sophisticated.
And then, when you'd ruled out certain things...
Got the old tennis tacket. Bosh!
Which is brilliant, because they hurt their hands.
I didn't.
Well, also, both of them used their eyes, which is more than Phil did.
- That was quite clever. - Yeah, interesting!
[Alex] They looked at the socks.
Interesting. Why not listen for the fruit?
[laughter]
The eyes of the side of the head.
[laughter and applause]
Do you wanna know how Kerry did?
Eight minutes 40.
Yeah, a minute quicker than James,
so currently in the lead. One left to see.
It's always scarier when you leave Rhod till last.
[Jess] Yeah.
He does... crazy shit.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [laughter]
- Ready for Rhod? - Yes, please.
Here we go.
Cor, somebody's done a...
Somebody's done a job on this.
This isn't as easy as I thought.
This is a...
I was going for a scissors, but as luck would have it,
I found a tangerine in the kitchen.
You think this is the sock with a satsuma in?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I just put a satsuma in it.
- Can I check and see if you...? - Certainly, yeah.
There you go.
Yeah, didn't say exclusively with a satsuma in it.
- OK. - Thank you.
- Thanks, Rhod. - Pleasure.
[cheers and applause]
Well, let's just establish the time that he found
a satsuma in a sock.
Two minutes 31.
Did he find a satsuma in a sock?
I would say he didn't find it.
- You've gotta lose something to find it. - What if you put them on the side,
and you forgot about them? 'Cause I tell you now,
Rhod's the same age as me.
It's entirely feasible that he put that satsuma in the sock,
and then forgot, and then found it.
I was as surprised as anyone when it fell out.
You can't put it in yourself. Come on.
- Come on. - That's a proper...
You've got to admit that was clever.
Funny who you're prepared to bend for, isn't it, you fucking...
Do you know what? I can't believe this shit.
[laughter]
"Oh, Rhod! Oh, one of them's my friend!"
[laughter]
Yeeah!
He's talking to you.
Ooh, I've never been accused of bias before.
[Kerry] Good for you.
And you got two points for that hula-hoop bullshit up there.
Ooh! Ooh, and they felt so good!
[laughter]
Oh, please give me another two points for the hula hoop!
Give me eight weeks of my life back. How's that sound?
[laughter and applause]
James, do you remember how I backed you on the hula hoop thing?
I was right behind you.
Now you can back into a satsuma and shove it up your arse.
[applause]
This has taken a very nasty turn.
So what I'm gonna say here is that no one's won that.
No one's-- Because of all this?
Because of all this shit.
Two joint seconds.
Rhod and Kerry in joint second with four points.
[Greg] Indeed.
Then we go to James with three points.
[Greg] Yep.
And Jess with two, and Phil with a...
[everyone] LIME!
OK, there we go. Rhod and Kerry in joint second.
- Score update, please. - OK, very quickly.
Phil, in the series, has 115. He's still last, weirdly.
James 140, Rhod 150, Kerry 153.
Jess still just in the lead with 155.
- It's still tight. - Oooh!
- Yeeeah! - It's those two points.
This episode, it's not quite so tight.
Phil and Rhod, joint last with six,
but out in the lead, it's Kerry with 13.
- [Greg] Yay! - [Jess] Bosh!
Bosh!
[applause]
Good. Can we squeeze in some more task excitement, Alex?
We can, but sadly it's the final team task of the series.
[James laughs]
[Alex] Welcome.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
Looking forward to another task, we are.
- Think I can speak for all of us. - Yeah, yeah. We are.
- Oh, God. - What's happening now?
Shall I get that?
[Phil] Oh, did someone...?
I can't condone that. That could've hurt somebody.
"Achieve a rally of exactly 24 shots."
"You must each take the same amount of shots." That's easy.
"You must be stood at least six foot eight inches
apart from one another."
Oh, God!
Taskmaster is six foot eight, presumably.
"The objects struck may neither touch the ground
nor be held at any point during the rally."
This is tennis! We play tennis and have a rally.
I can't play tennis.
"There is a bonus point for the team that uses the most..."
[both] "...ambitious equipment."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
Why would you rush the "time starts now"?
I always delay it.
- [Phil] Uh... - [Rhod] Do you?
Yeah, I delay it to give myself some thinking time.
Wish I'd known that.
[applause]
Only mild irritation from James there,
in that some blood remained in his face.
Kerry just said to me, "Well, at least we didn't have Rhod."
[laughter]
[audience] Awww.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Don't pity him. You don't know.
Do some team tasks with him and then see how you feel.
OK, wanna see the rally?
Yeah, let's just get amongst it.
I can't wait.
Here are Kerry and Jess.
What shall we use as rackets?
- I think these trays are quite good. - Trays are good.
We have to measure this six foot fucking eight.
How tall are you?
Five foot two?
So, half of you is...
- Two and half... - [laughing] Half of me?
You lie down. So we're having all of you and half of me.
[laughing] Yeah, but how are we measuring it?
Here. Here's half of me.
One... That's too heavy!
[she laughs]
I feel like this is ambitious.
It's stupid. It's not ambitious, it's stupid.
One!
- One. - Two.
- Oh, fuck! - The sun's in my eyes!
- One. - Two.
- Three. - Ugh!
This is worse than the ukuleles.
One.
- [laughter] - Oh, we've really blown this.
- One. - Two.
- Three. - Four.
- Five. - Six.
- Seven. - Eight.
- Nine. - Ten.
- 11. - 12.
- 13. - 14.
- 15. - 16.
- 17. - 18.
- 19. - 20.
- 21. - 22.
- 23. - 24.
- Yes! Yes! - Leave it, leave it!
- Can I go and have a lie down? - [cheers and applause]
[applause]
And this is the greatest opening to any sport -
"One, two, fuck."
[laughter]
So using balls and trays, they did it in 12 minutes and 49 seconds.
- Well, it's a starting point. - Not a bad start.
[applause]
Right, it's the final break of the show before the final part of the show.
I want you to stay exactly where you are, thank you.
Oh, hello. Welcome back to the last part of Taskmaster.
Not too long till somebody legs it home with a placenta.
But first, Alex Horne.
Hello, Greg! How are you?
A rally - that's what they were trying to achieve.
A rally of exactly 24 shots,
with a bonus point for the most ambitious equipment used.
Here are the men having a go.
Is that correct?
That? No, that's not. He's taller than that.
If we put a hat on him, he's probably about right, I reckon.
[Phil] That's the man, yeah.
- How tall are you? - Six one.
Right. You lie on it, then.
Why-- Why is that still there?
And put your feet where his are.
Why am I lying down with a hat on?
Hang on!
It says "fastest wins" and right now,
I'm lying down with a top hat on.
Yeah.
Kick it over the shed.
Start with one of us blindfolded and then go from there.
One!
Oh, Phil.
Honestly.
- We've gone too ambitious. - I've gone blind.
- I thought you wanted to go ambitious? - You haven't gone blind.
- You've gone too ambitious. - You're just blindfolded.
We can just use the shed.
It doesn't actually go anywhere near the ground.
OK.
Whoa!
That sounded bad.
Right, this is the one.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten,
11, 12, come on!
13...
14, 15, 16, 17.
James has gotta get one less.
18, 19, 20, 21,
22, 23, give it back to me!
[all] YES!
Stop the clock. Yes!
Good time.
[cheers and applause]
If I could, I would award the bonus point
for Phil's blindfolded...
It's interesting that you spent so long
trying to work out what six foot eight was.
I wonder if that paid off in the long run, did it?
Well, the shed was six foot six wide.
They also had to strike it exactly the same number of times.
During the bit we just saw, you counted to 24,
but you got to 27 in total.
During the first 24, you hit it seven times,
Phil eight, James nine.
Also, you were seven minutes slower.
[laughter and applause]
Another agonising decision for me.
Jess and Kerry, pretty excellent,
- so five points each. - [Alex] OK.
Well done.
But I think the bag of monkeys that is the boys' team
they did attempt something a bit more ambitious,
so I'm gonna give them a point each.
- OK. - There. Let it be done.
Five to girls, one to the boys!
[applause]
Please can you all stay where the heck you are
for the final task of the show.
[everyone] Oooo.
And as if by magic, something's appeared.
What is going on here, Alex?
Well, it's the studio task.
Jess is gonna read it out.
"Write your name and draw a picture of a happy horse
on your overhead projector acetate."
"Upside down."
"You must not rotate or manipulate your acetate."
"You have 100 seconds."
"Most accurate picture and writing
when your acetate is overhead projected wins."
[Greg] Wow.
It's a happy horse and your name.
You've got to do it upside down, though.
But when we project it, we want it to be projected the right way up,
as accurately as possible.
And, please, I would ask the audience,
cheer as if you're watching football,
because that will amuse me while they do this.
- [blows whistle] - Let's do this, Alex!
[cheers and applause]
He's copying, he's copying.
[cheering continues]
Oh, noooo!
[audience] Five, four, three, two, one!
- [whistle blows] - [audience cheers]
Feel the rush.
[Greg] It's been a long time since I saw someone
trying to copy someone else's work, Rhod.
I thought, "Is this is a trick?"
'Cause when you put them on there, does it flick 'em upside down?
So if we draw them upside down--
Alex will talk you through that, then.
So, remember, I'm putting it on upside down,
so hopefully they've done it upside down,
and it will look the right way up.
- [Greg] Correct. - [Alex] Here we go.
OK, this is Rhod's. How accurate...?
[laughter]
[Greg] So, Rhod Gilbert is a huge success.
I want to question whether that is a horse,
and whether that horse is happy.
Teeth, nose, eyes, eyelashes, ears,
legs out to the side, big tongue hanging out.
I think it's a happy horse. Tick!
Who next? Phil Wang?
It says Phil... What's the...?
Oh, that's for Chinese for Wang. It's easier to draw upside down.
[everyone gasps]
Ooooo.
Your horse is demonstrating his
happiness with a big smile. That's nice.
Kerry.
[laughter]
[Greg] "Yrrek"?
That's my name in...
[laughter]
...gobbledygook.
I'm amazed I'm saying this. That's probably the best horse so far.
Thank you.
I presume it's a very thin horse.
All of its legs one behind the other.
OK? Here we go. Jessica Knappett.
[laughter]
There's a fine line between happy and deranged, isn't there?
Oh, I know!
I mean, he... he...
- He's so happy-- - She!
- [laughter] - Forgive me.
She's so happy that she's dislocated her lower jaw.
[laughter]
[Greg] OK.
Last one. Ready for James Acaster's?
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
He's been practising that for eight weeks.
[Greg] I mean, fair play to the boy.
- Can't fault it. - Both names.
And that... Man, that's a happy horse.
Alex, take your seat. I'll make a quick decision.
[Alex] OK.
I thought that he did the name very well,
but it was by far the worst horse,
in that it wasn't a horse.
It was a horse's face!
How do you know it's you?
[laughter]
I'm giving Rhod two points.
- Two points to Rhod Gilbert. - Yes, indeed.
Kerry's horse was an improvement on actual horses.
Why would they want to have two of their legs side by side?
Stick 'em all in a big row.
I'd like to see that racing.
She got her name entirely incorrectly,
but I'm going to give her three points.
OK, three points to Kerry.
Jessica and Phil, I'm grouping you together.
I got my name right!
But my horse was really happy.
Yeah.
I'm giving you four points.
James, he got both of his names correct.
[Alex] Yes.
And it was the happiest and the best horse.
- James Acaster gets five points! - [cheers and applause]
Let's have a sting to get rid of the props,
and then we'll find out the final scores.
How was that, Alex?
It was very artistic and very satisfying.
- Wasn't it? - Mmm.
Thanks to those scores...
there are now just three points in it
at the top of the series scoreboard.
[everyone gasps]
And in this episode, there's just...
12 points betwee-- Oh. This episode is not close.
Rhod is at the bottom with nine,
but at the top, with 21 points,
it's Kerry Godliman!
Ahh!
I get the placenta!
- [cheers and applause] - Kerry Godliman is the winner.
Please go and rejoice in your surprisingly beautiful winnings!
[cheers and applause]
So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you're struggling to achieve something in life,
maybe it's time to think outside the box.
Use your foot. The hand of the leg.
Or use your ear. The eye of the head.
And if all fails, use a LIME!
And, of course, we've learnt that Kerry Godliman won the show.
Thank you for watching, good night,
and see you next time for the grand final!
[subtitles by tribbletown]
[speech inaudible]