Hello and welcome at last to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster.
I'm powerful and in peak physical condition.
What's that? You're new to the show?
Let me explain the simple premise.
Five funny people have been set a load of ludicrous tasks
that we have filmed them attempting to complete.
Over the coming weeks, I will pass judgment on their efforts
from this magnificent throne.
At the end of the tenth episode,
the person who has amassed the most points across the run
will take home the ultimate prize.
My beautiful head,
cast in solid gold.
For the losers...
Well, I'm afraid their careers will be destroyed.
[laughter]
We promised there would be no changes when we moved to Channel 4,
but I have removed the studio audience.
Nothing to do with recent events.
I just don't like being near members of the public.
So while they're watching next door,
it's just me and the contestants in the hotbox of competition.
So strap in. It's gonna be intense.
Joining us for this series are the incredible...
Daisy May Cooper!
Johnny Vegas!
Katherine Parkinson!
Mawaan Rizwan!
And Richard Herring!
And, next to me,
the man whose job it is to keep track of all the facts and figures.
He's been my personal assistant for coming up to six years,
and yet, we have genuinely only socialised together three times.
His neck is the same width as his head,
he chooses to wear plastic slip-on shoes,
and he once told me, at some point nearly every day,
he cries.
It's Little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
It's nice to be here.
I've been keeping busy.
Yeah. What have you been up to?
Friendship bracelets. Making friendship bracelets.
- OK. - There we go.
They all represent different aspects of our friendship.
So we've got when we first met, and then when you acknowledged me...
for the first time, a couple of years later.
Yep.
- And then this arm is future events. - Right.
The first time we go to a swimming pool together.
- Yeah. - Christmas.
If we spend Christmas toge--
Do you want me to go through them all?
- No, not at all. - OK.
It follows the pattern of all of your opening chats,
which is, "seemingly normal statement..."
"...oblique follow-up."
Yes, there's a format.
Good. On with the first part of the show.
- The prize task. - Yeah.
That's the first part of the show.
Each of our contestants has brought in a personal possession
to place in tonight's prize pot.
At the end of the episode, the winner will take all of the possessions home.
[Greg] Yeah.
And to kick off the new series, we've asked them to bring in
the nicest thing to put in your mouth.
OK? It's not even that kind of show.
The person who has brought in the nicest thing to put in their mouth
will be awarded the maximum five points and be off to a cracking start.
At the end of the episode,
the overall winner will take home five nice things
and carry them all home in their gob.
Daisy, what's the nicest thing to put in your mouth?
Wine. Just white wine.
[Alex] Just white wine.
[Greg] OK.
And we're off, Greg. We're off.
Feel the rush!
[laughter]
You're gonna have to jazz this up, Daisy,
unless you want to go straight into last place.
Well, white wine... It's just great, isn't it?
Alcohol's really great.
Er, I've got two months to go till my baby's born.
Just been really looking forward to a glass of white wine.
Right, I wasn't convinced by wine.
You know, I've remembered how great it is to drink now,
so you're in with contention.
Johnny, what's the nicest thing you like to pop in your mouth?
Anti-reflux medicine.
- [laughter] - It looks like this.
[Greg] Yeah, I'm very familiar with what it looks like.
It does. It's like the gun in Platoon.
That is my reflux, that is my gun.
This is the burning, this is my tum.
[laughter]
It's not particularly nice to put in your mouth, though, is it?
No, I kind of like the taste.
You know, I had a friend, honestly, another comic,
who, when he got a kebab,
used to put that on.
You know when they say, "What sauce would you like?"
- He'd pour it on the kebab? - He poured it on the kebab.
- That's absolute horseshit. - It stopped him having to get up in the night.
- That's not true. - It's true!
Someone was pouring Gaviscon onto a fucking kebab?
It cut out the middleman!
Katherine, what thing is nice to put in your mouth?
I slightly distorted it, like Johnny did,
because this thing isn't "nice" to put in your mouth,
but the results of having it in your mouth are splendid.
It's this object.
- [they groan] - [Alex] Braces.
[Greg] Have you ever had a brace?
I've had several braces.
My teeth, when I was younger...
[clears throat] ...in the '80s,
were pretty much at a right angle.
Literally straight forward.
I'm not exaggerating, actually--
You are exaggerating.
[laughter]
I remember the orthodontist seeing me for the first time,
and saying, under his breath, "Poor kid."
- [Greg] Yeah. - So they were bad.
I don't know whether having a brace in your mouth is "nice".
I agree it's better for us to be able to look at you without
you having your teeth out directly in front of you.
- Hello! - [Mawaan] Alright?
Tell me, Mawaan, what you have brought
that is nice to put in a person's mouth.
It's a teething toy shaped like a chicken wing.
[Greg] Let's start with the basics. It doesn't look like a chicken wing.
Yeah, it does!
It doesn't. It looks like a slug or a shit.
[laughter]
Look, when you're trying to go vegan
and you miss having a chicken wing in your mouth...
- Yeah. - ...it's the second best.
There's something genetically in you
that really wants to, like, chomp on meat.
- So that phased that out. - So why not get a piece of rubber?
My gut instinct is, it doesn't look like something that's
at all nice to put in your mouth.
Yeah, but it feels nice, Greg!
- Let's move on to Richard. - [Richard] Yeah.
Well, the way I went with this,
that no one else seems to have gone with,
is something that was nice to have in your mouth.
- Interesting. - [laughter]
Mine is halloumi cheese with chilli in it.
[Greg] Oh, my God.
You've got to fry it up and everything,
you've got to grill it and do that stuff with it,
but that is the most delicious thing.
It's certainly the most middle-class thing.
[laughter]
[Alex] Here it is. There we go. That's pre-frying.
Oh, it's not so good there.
[Greg] Not only do I like how middle-class it is,
I like the fact that when you announced it,
Katherine went like this: "Ooh!"
[laughter]
[Alex] You've seen them all now, Greg.
I'm afraid I'm going to score this,
what is literally nice to put in your mouth.
- That's the way I've decided to do it. - And I don't blame you for that.
Even if they're not necessarily the most imaginative things,
as is demonstrated by Richard's... halloumi.
OK.
So, in first place, I'm going to put Daisy.
Who doesn't like a lovely glass of wine?
- [Alex] Five points. - Brilliant!
In second place, unbelievably, it's Halloumi Boy.
- [Alex] Richard Herring. - [Greg] In third place, Johnny.
In fourth place, Katherine's mouth guard.
Mouth plate, yeah.
And in fifth place, what a surprise, Mawaan.
Mawaan, you get one point.
You'd rather put her braces in your mouth than my chicken wing?
- I'm surprised. - [Greg] Correct.
What world do we live in?
Right, task time.
What have we got to begin this fine series?
We have... a coconut.
[Greg whistles]
Oh! Haha.
- Oh, hi, Katherine. - Hi!
- Hello, Johnny! - Hi, Alex!
- Alright, Alex? What you saying? - Er, hello.
[Alex] Hello, Daisy.
Ooh, that reminds me of village fêtes.
- Hi there. - Oh, hi, Richard.
"Knock the coconut off its perch."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."
[Alex] Ooh.
[laughter]
- Congratulations. - [she laughs]
Congratulations, Richard!
[applause]
- You've won... - [she gasps]
...this bear.
[laughing] Thank you so much!
Ooh, great!
Wow!
- Well done. - Do I get to keep it?
- [laughter] - Oh, come on!
- Yes! - [audience cheers]
Well done, Johnny. Your prize...
- You've won a teddy bear. - [he gasps]
Congratulations.
Can I take this home?
No, you have to take it to the phone box there,
and open the other task. Thank you.
Oh.
Oh. I knew it couldn't be that easy.
[Alex] Did you?
"Put all these drinks on the table in the caravan..."
[Katherine] "...without spilling a drop."
[Daisy] "Also, you must be clutching this teddy at all times."
Do you need to be holding the bear now?
Yes.
Thank you, Katherine.
Oof!
"Also, you must not walk on the grass while holding drinks."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now." What?!
But... how do I not walk on the grass?
[Alex] Yes.
Me and teddy are going on a bender.
I find it quite irritating when you do a little task that isn't the real task.
Johnny benefitted from it.
The system was, if you knocked off the coconut
between nought and ten seconds,
you won the big bear, 'cause you were so fast.
Ten and 20 seconds, the middle-sized bear...
Yeah, yeah, I know, and you're all pleased with yourself.
Yeah.
Because coming first means you get the big bear,
which makes it harder, nya-ha.
No.
"Oh, look how I've turned competition up and down!"
Ugh, honestly.
[Greg] Daisy, I feel like before we see the task proper,
I should ask you about your outfit that you've chosen for this series.
Just "Achievement Woman", so all the things that I'd achieved.
Were they on the cape?
Yeah, did you not just watch this?
I just saw you in a ridiculous outfit with a couple of stickers on,
I didn't know there was detail in it.
I would like to make something clear to you all.
I've been accused, in recent series,
of not being tough enough on the rules,
and I am gonna be ruthless during this series.
And the thing I noticed in the rules
is that you are not allowed to spill a drop.
And before I see these, I want you to know,
that will result in disqualification.
Oh.
OK, we're gonna start off with Richard and Johnny,
the two older guys. Here we go.
[laughter]
[he groans]
Daddy bear.
Mummy bear.
Oh!
- [Alex] It's a big teddy. - It is quite big. Almost unwieldy.
[he grunts]
[he groans]
[Alex] Teddy alright?
He's not happy with his mum and dad.
It looks like Goldilocks came back proper pissed off.
- Oof! - [laughter]
Oh, there's a tray here!
Whoa!
[he grunts]
- Is that all the drinks? - That's all the drinks.
[Alex] I've stopped the clock.
- OK, they're all on the table. - [whistle blows]
- [he groans] - Thank you, Richard.
[Alex] Thanks, Johnny.
That's what life will do to you.
Look away, child. Look away.
Great. Absolute mental collapse, task one.
- Richard? - Yeah?
- One pint at a time, yeah? - Well, I didn't see the tray.
And then you saw it and said, "Ah, there's a tray here."
"Now life gets interesting."
[laughter]
[Greg] What was the spill count?
Uh, Richard... there were just a couple of drips
on the table, you could see at the very end there.
Oh dear.
Well, I was told not to spill "a" drop,
and I spilt four or five drops.
Clever semantics will get you nowhere in this show.
And Johnny, he said, "Once a barman, always a barman."
Which isn't true. You can get other jobs.
- He lost half a pint. - Had I?
Let's see some better people.
OK, we're gonna see one person now.
Daisy Tray Cooper, I've called her.
Like that? Play on words? He'll be pleased with it.
[laughter]
Oh, God. OK, um...
Right.
Right, OK.
Let's see what I have.
[audience gasps]
OK.
[Alex] Big teddy, that.
- [audience gasps] - Oh, no!
[Alex] One drink down.
[she grunts]
Oh, my God! This is so heavy.
[Alex] Yes.
[Alex] Going sledging?
Just trying to make me a pathway.
Ah, bath mat! Yes!
[panting]
Ah!
[panting]
- [audience groans] - No! No!
[she grunts]
[Alex] All four, is it?
- All four, yeah. - Yeah, why not?
[laughter]
[Alex] Are they all on?
Yeah, bar one.
- Bar two? - Two?
- Think so. - Oh, fuck.
[laughter]
It's amazing how Achievement Woman, so quickly,
could be made to look like Drunk Woman in Magaluf.
[laughter]
The worst hen party of all time, starring Achievement Woman.
[laughter]
"Don't spill a drop"?
She's hoyed a pint on the floor in the first second of the task!
She wasn't slow. She was quicker than Richard.
Yeah, we can all be quick if we just chuck the pints on the floor
and shout, "Oh, bath mat!" at the top of our voices.
[laughter]
No one's ever shouted, "Bath mat!"
as if it's the key to a task that you've already totally ruined.
And that is the end of the first part of this new era of Taskmaster.
New channel, same old sickening adverts.
You don't need new things.
Just hold each other. We're in end times!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
I hope you had a good think about what you've done.
Alex, please remind us what was going on before the break.
Honestly, your memory, Greg.
They were trying to carry pints to a caravan without walking on the grass
and whilst carrying a giant teddy, apart from Johnny,
who only had a little teddy to carry, but still made it look difficult.
Last up, we're gonna have a nice time
with Katherine Parkinson and Mawaan Rizwan.
"You must not walk on the grass."
Oh! Does that mean I can run on the grass while holding drinks?
[Alex] Oh, what does it say?
"You must not walk on the grass while holding drinks."
OK, well, let's sort this out first.
- I think that'll do it. - Yeah?
[Alex] Are you walking, Katherine?
- No, I'm doing that. - And what is that?
Tip-toe running.
- Not walking? - Dancing.
Right, that goes in there.
I think I'm gonna move the telephone box.
Oh, it's quite heavy.
How do I get...?
The balls?!
The balls.
There's a reason why they're here.
Ooh!
Tip-toe running.
OK.
[laughing] Where's the door?
Ooh!
Argh, it's really heavy!
OK, slowly does it.
- It's coming. - Yes, yes.
Yeah-- Oh. This is not my fault, it's a dodgy pipe.
Oh! Argh!
Tiny drop went. Hope you didn't catch that on that camera.
[audience gasps]
Just refilling the drinks.
Thank you, Katherine. I've stopped the clock.
[Alex] I've stopped the clock.
[Greg] Right, Mawaan.
- Let's deal with you first. - Yeah.
- I was initially thinking... - "Genius."
"I've got high hopes for this boy," because the gaffer tape, lovely.
Getting this clown to strap the bear to you. Excellent.
And you know why I know it was excellent?
It's because while he was watching it, Richard Herring went,
"Nice!" with no irony whatsoever.
Yeah.
And then you went from strapping the bear on, nice,
to trying to lift the phone box.
Yeah, because I know there's always, like, a clever way of doing things.
Once you'd realised you couldn't move a phone box,
you then stared, quietly, at three balls on a lawn,
and went, "Maybe it's the balls..."
But why were they there?
You threw them, at the very beginning.
Oh, shit!
You were mystified by your own balls.
It's not the first time.
Now, when I was a child, my mum would often say to me,
"Run to the shops."
As it happens, to get cigarettes.
If you're watching, old woman – pretty gross.
Or she might say, "Walk to the shops. Get me some cigarettes."
She never said, "Go to the shops..."
"And use that tippy-tappy walk."
[laughter]
How do you distinguish "tippy-tappy-toe thing" from a walk?
Sure.
I think how I would distinguish it is...
is... it's you use more the ball of your feet.
- [Greg] Correct. - I don't know if you've done much tap.
I mean, I think she's got a point.
When a tap dancer's tapping, they're not walking.
- Mm-hm. - That's not a... Is it?
I mean, walking is "moving at a regular pace,"
"by lifting and setting down each foot in turn."
OK, who definitely spilt a drop?
Mawaan spilt the most and was the slowest.
Daisy May Cooper spilt at least two pints,
Johnny half a pint.
Richard did spill a little bit, but came in at 9 minutes 12.
Katherine was 11 minutes 12, with one drop.
Everybody has failed. Let's see the scoreboard.
Hang on!
OK, well, it hasn't changed a lot because of that task.
It looks like this.
[Alex] There we go. Daisy May Cooper is in the lead.
[Greg] Achievement Woman!
[Alex] Well done, Daisy.
Let's have another task then, Alex, please.
OK, and just like what you ask me to do with your mystery stains,
this one involves trying to make things vanish.
- Hiya, Alex. - Hello, Johnny.
How are you?
[Alex] Thank you for asking. No one ever asks me that.
- [Alex] We're getting on well. - Yeah, yeah.
I feel like we've bonded.
"Make the largest object properly vanish."
"Largest object to properly vanish wins."
"You may not use any editing trickery."
I don't know any editing trickery.
"You have one hour. Your time starts..."
[Alex] There should be one more word.
It's vanished. Mate, that's so clever.
I mean, it doesn't have to be in this room, right?
"Make the largest object properly vanish."
Is that me?
No. That sofa's bigger than me.
So let's discuss what "properly vanish" means.
OK, to vanish--
So it's zero points for everyone again, this time, Greg.
Because, you know, it's not possible to make something properly vanish.
In your opinion.
That's why we need to discuss it in advance, Richard.
To vanish is "to disappear suddenly and completely".
Let's just agree, it's...
It's just gonna have to look like it's vanished,
otherwise it's no points again.
This is gonna be the shittest series of all time.
The winner's gonna be Daisy because she brought a bottle of wine in.
[laughter]
"You see that show that went on for ten weeks?"
[laughing] "And one woman..."
"A woman won a prize 'cause she brought some wine in."
"She didn't even collect it 'cause she was giving birth!"
Right, let's see some stuff.
OK, well, we started with Richard first last time,
and this time, we're gonna start with Richard first this time.
- [applause] - How'd you do that?
It was pretty impressive, I thought.
Richard's leering smile was nice, at the end.
Always nice to finish a trick off with a rictus grin.
[Alex] How do you think he did it?
I suspect what Richard's done is, he's put a mirror under the table,
and that you're hiding behind it.
[Alex] OK, this is the method behind the magic.
It was only the wobbly mirror that gave it away,
but that doesn't take away from it.
- I thought it was pretty damn fine. - Thank you.
[Greg] I don't mind telling you.
[applause]
- Very good. Who's next? - It's Katherine next.
Hi. I'm about to make the largest thing in this room vanish.
Um, I'm not a magician, but I've worked out a way of making
the largest thing I could find in this room disappear.
Vanish. Poof!
Um, so, when I've done it, I'm gonna not click my fingers,
'cause I'm not very good at doing that, but clap my hands. So...
[she gasps]
Where's that large sofa gone?
- [laughter] - It's vanished.
So how did she make the largest thing in the room vanish, Greg?
Well, I've been distracted by two things.
One is your pronunciation of the word "room".
"Ruhm"?
- Yeah, it always bugs me. - Ruhm?
I've been meaning to tell you for ages. "Ruhm".
And you also say "tis-sue", which I hate as well.
There's a tis-sue in the ruhm.
"Oh, hello, it's me, Alex Horne. There's a tis-sue in the ruhm."
"Mummy, mummy, I've left my tis-sue in the ruhm."
That's number one.
- That's the first thing that distracted me. - Right.
And the second thing is Katherine's presenting style,
which appears to be "mid-80s Judith Chalmers".
- Thank you. Thank you so much. - [laughter]
How did she make the sofa disappear?
I believe she distracted me by talking like a mid-80s holiday presenter
and while that was happening, the camera came away from the sofa,
and it was removed by members of the crew.
- Oh, God, you're clever. - That's my theory.
Well, have a look at this, then.
Hi. I'm about to make the largest thing in this room vanish.
Um, I'm not a magician, but I've worked out a way of making
the largest thing I could find in this room disappear. Vanish.
[Greg] Well, I didn't expect you still to be in the ruhm.
- [laughter and applause] - I can tell you that much.
So it had the same effect, but it was far more elaborate than
the much easier way of just pulling it out the door.
The reveal excited me.
- OK! - OK.
Two good ones!
Not bad. Someone's gonna have to mess up soon.
Right, more vanishing acts after the break,
as we move closer towards somebody winning Johnny Vegas's reflux medicine.
We're back with a bang, folks. Back with a bang!
Come-bye, come-bye! Away, away!
Come-bye! Steady. Come-bye! Good boy.
Hello and welcome back.
Before the break, there was a vanishing task occurring.
Occurring. Double C, double R.
Yes, and now it's the turn of Johnny Vegas,
whose real name is actually Johnny Las Vegas.
[Alex] Here we go.
Post-election.
Corbyn... facing his greatest defeat.
But he has one last trick up his sleeve.
A 200-foot mutant chicken!
He's sick of the tax-dodgers!
He just wants rampage on all the Labour people
who left and voted Tory, and the church will never be united with the state!
BASH!
The killer chicken rages rampant across London!
What can we do? The Armed Forces are alerted!
And just when we think all hope is lost...
[softly] ...he disappears into the Thames.
[laughter and applause]
I was just... I allowed politics to creep into making something disappear.
Yeah, well, let's dig into it.
Imagine if that was a 400-foot chicken.
- I made a 400-foot chicken disappear. - [Greg] Yeah.
And it was big enough to trash Parliament.
I think Johnny's making a very important socialist point.
That day, when I finished my task, they let me go home early.
Well, of course they did. They were worried about you.
Let's move on.
Would you like to see Daisy May Cooper's attempt?
Would I?
You've got to try to work out how she did this.
Taskmaster is probably best known for its large cow.
That was there.
Can you find it? 'Cause it's vanished.
Is it not around the corner? No.
No.
Where is it?
It's gone. It's vanished.
What do you think her method was?
I dunno, but I...
You're not... You're a bit bored by it?
The way you made it disappear is gonna have to be impressive.
It's a lacklustre presentation thus far.
Well, is it lacklustre when you see this?
OK.
There we go.
- Keep going. - Really?
Really in there.
That's good. That looks really good from here.
[Alex whispers] Vanished!
I don't understand why you're sort of sneering at me like that.
You're supposed to make something completely vanish--
Which I did. A large object, which I did.
It's implied that you have to do that in a clever way, and you...
You've just rammed a cow into a hedge.
[laughter]
Do you think that's how Siegfried & Roy dominated Vegas for all those years?
"I've got this white tiger. What shall I do?"
"Just stick it in the fucking hedge."
[laughter]
[Greg] Stick it in the hedge.
[Alex] Yeah.
Come on, who's next? We've got to...
I've got to get that taste out of my mouth.
The final person to see is Mawaan.
- Here we go. - [Greg] Come on, Mawaan.
Behold, a large animal.
Now you see it...
Now you still see it. But maybe...
...you're looking at the wrong animal.
Where'd the cow go?
[applause]
[he chuckles]
Are you watching?!
I sort of... I understand what we were supposed to do now, yeah.
[Richard] How did he push it into the hedge in that short amount of time?
You'd already beaten Daisy by putting the duck behind your head.
[laughter]
- How did he do it, though? - I'll show you how he did it.
There was no camera trickery. There was some trickery like this.
You're looking at the wrong animal.
[audience gasps]
[Mawaan] Where'd the cow go?
- [Alex] The cow was never there. - That's brilliant.
I mean, come on.
Thanks. I don't usually milk things, but you know when the idea--
Hey, cow gag!
I didn't even know I was doing it.
You've seen them all now.
Apart from last place, it's tough.
- [laughter] - One point to Daisy.
[Mawaan] Wow, didn't see that coming.
Fourth is empty.
In third place, it's Katherine Chalmers...
...and Richard the Wobbly Mirror King.
In second place, it's Johnny's socialist marvel,
and comfortably in first, Mawaan.
Five points! Mawaan has won.
[cheers and applause]
More, please!
OK, Mr Big and Beefy.
This task involves a choice, some eggs, a frying pan,
and a drastic change of location.
Hello.
- Welcome. - Welcome, thank you.
- You alright? - Yeah. This is cool, innit?
- Is it? - Yeah, man.
Why?
- Dunno, it's just vast. - Vast.
Why are you writing that down?
If you say it, I have to write it down.
Croutons.
There's gonna be some building.
Boxes, pipes, wood, eggs.
"Land the most egg in the frying pan."
[Johnny] "You may not throw any egg."
"You must stay on this balcony..."
"...and you may only use the contents of one of these boxes."
"You have 20 minutes or until you run out of egg."
[she exhales]
Well, that's just crazy!
Uh, "Your time starts now."
Where's the frying pan, Alex?
So, helium canister.
So it's in one of these boxes, is it?
- We haven't hidden the frying pan. - OK. OK, where is it then?
OK, this one's just cardboard and, like, bolts and screws.
Do robot eggs travel any easier?
- Sorry, robot eggs? - Robot eggs, yeah.
If I made them, like... If I put a bit more....
There's no Blu Tack.
Is it under there? No.
[Alex] You can have a look, if you want.
Oh, like a kind of fishing-y sort of thing.
"Land the most egg in the frying pan."
Ah! It's there. It's there.
- Do you know that? - Yes.
Oh, God.
How are you feeling about this one?
I'm feeling a bit down.
[laughter]
- I mean, it doesn't bode well, does it? - No.
We'll start with Kitty and Ricky.
- [Greg] Yes, please. - Here we go.
I mean, I'll try Box C, I guess.
Hmm, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna create some tubage and then roll it down there.
[Alex] Using the bandage?
Well, I don't think it'll stay together on its own.
There's not, like, a right choice and wrong choice, presumably?
[Alex] Sure.
That's enough to get an egg down there safely, I reckon.
I don't know how you use these.
[Alex] OK.
You've just got to go for it.
[laughter]
I feel a bit upset.
- Ah! - [Alex] Yeah, this is good.
That's it. Thank you.
There's no one down there, right? Oh!
[laughter]
I've just broken all the eggs.
But... that is not gonna dissuade me from carrying on.
- That'll do. - Yeah?
Want me to stay nearby--?
- I think it'll be fine. - Yeah?
- I've still got time. - Yeah, time's not your problem.
- I can see it. Ready? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
Let's go.
[laughter]
Do you see any problems?
- Did it go in there? - No.
Where did it go? Did it go straight down?
[wood cracking]
[audience groans]
So close!
[Alex] Are we doing exactly the same thing again?
- Same thing again, yeah. - Right.
[Alex] Better.
- Better? - Yeah.
- Have you got any more egg left? - I have got a little bit of egg left.
Not very good at paper planes.
[Alex] This is your last egg.
Oh!
[Alex] That was the worst one.
It cracked in the tube, actually.
- Did it? - Yeah.
[Alex] Well done.
Oh, don't clap that. Don't patronise us.
I mean, you're familiar with the definition of madness, right?
Yes.
As far as I can work out,
once you'd stuck some tubing together using sticking plasters,
you then dropped three eggs, exactly the same angle onto the floor.
[laughter]
We, Alex and I, we did a little kick--
I don't like this "we".
So you were attempting an angle kick at the end?
Yes, I think I was just sort of trying to, you know,
get a little kind of leverage--
But my impression is that the eggs just went on the floor,
miles from the pan, every time.
The second one wasn't far off. The third one, you were unlucky,
'cause you threw it into the pipe and it burst immediately.
Yeah, but I think if that one hadn't burst,
we would've been really close to the pan.
Again, not-- No "we". You. But yes.
I mean, it wasn't a great start, Katherine.
However, I do think Richard was more tragic.
- Good! OK. - Good.
It was at the point, I think,
that you said, "I've broken all the eggs."
To me, for the rest of the whole task, you looked 12 years of age.
It was really desperate, wasn't it?
But you looked like a determined little boy
trying to prove himself to daddy.
Isn't this what this show is?
"I know I've broken the eggs, but I can still do it, daddy!"
And then he tried to get some egg in the pan
with a paper aeroplane, like a 12-year-old would.
And you were doing this.
[laughter]
I mean, it's not gonna get more entertaining than those two. Well done.
[Alex] Next up, it's Mawaan Rizwan.
OK, I think I'm gonna have the most fun with this one,
so I'll go with this one.
Sometimes a decision is better than no decision,
even if it's the wrong decision.
[Alex] Right.
Cool.
Yeah, something's coming to me.
What if I made a hole in the egg...
and then filled it with helium?
- [laughter] - OK. OK. I've just wasted an egg.
OK, that ain't going anywhere.
This will always be too heavy for the balloon.
[Alex] Is it worth putting more than one balloon on it?
Yes, that's a great idea!
It doesn't have to be the whole egg, does it?
[Alex] Any egg would be good, Mawaan.
Some egg in there.
OK, so there's some egg in that balloon.
Oh, it smells bad.
[gasps and laughter]
OK, alright.
It's the container that's weighing it down.
- What's wrong? - It broke.
- The egg broke? - That was my last egg.
[Alex] Oh dear.
So you've put the string through the egg...?
It's still an egg, man. It's still an egg.
[Alex] You've got a minute left.
- Whoa! - [laughter]
OK, now it needs more weight,
so I'm just gonna add this back in.
Yeah, but you just took that off 'cause it was too heavy.
Yeah, but now that the yolk is out...
The yolk is the heaviest part of the egg.
OK.
No, no! [he screams]
[he inhales] Can I please go get it?
[whistle blows]
- Is that it? - That's it.
[applause]
When people look back on this series,
I think they will all, in unison, say,
"That was the series where a grown man..."
"...tried to fill an egg with helium."
[laughter]
Presumably in the hope that the egg would float.
[laughter]
OK. When you put it like that, it sounds stupid.
But when you're in the room, "ruhm"--
With an egg, so full as it is with its own egg.
I thought it was an inspired idea and it could have worked.
Oh, that's so sweet of you, but you don't believe that.
You don't believe that anyone can fill an egg with helium
and that egg will then float. You don't believe that, Katherine.
- Katherine, you do believe that. - I can't look at you, sorry.
I've never laughed so openly at someone else's misfortune!
Oh, God, would you look at the time? It's end of part three!
Welcome back to the final part of the show.
Before the break, they were trying to get an egg
into a frying pan, using the contents of a box.
It's now time for my favourite DJ. It's Daisy Johnny.
[he gasps and laughs]
[excited noises]
Think, think. That's the one I want.
Is it most sensible?
I'm gonna go for the balloons.
Oh, but there's no shotgun to shoot the balloons.
What's in here?
[he gasps]
I'm going with this, I'm going with this, I'm going with this!
Oh, I've never been so happy!
If they had this at Jobseeker's Allowance meetings,
I would be right on board, I promise you!
OK, could somebody start inflating some balloons for me?
That's a good one.
You know when they say, "don't put all your eggs in one basket"?
I think you should, 'cause then, if it goes wrong,
it's just obvious that you weren't meant for this world.
Yes, that's feeling good.
I just want to see if that'll carry it.
Nowhere near.
D'you know what? I think we try and attach all three eggs in one go.
Actually-- [eggs crunching] Oops.
[laughter]
Perfect!
[he gasps]
Give my creation life!
- [balloons popping] - [Daisy yelling]
No, no!
You've got one and a half minutes, Johnny.
All we have to do is make sure that this is amongst the balloons.
Now, will that take the egg as well?
- Oh, God! No! No! - [audience groans]
No!
Goddamnit!
You've got one minute, Johnny.
For what?!
God's haemorrhoid, innit?
- Yes, OK. Right, we're on! - OK.
Remember, it's all about the uplift.
Ready, steady...
Having lost my main balloons, we're just going for a...
I believe, if there's any kind of--
[laughter]
Go!
To freedom, my pretty!
- [whistle blows] - [laughter]
More, more!
That's it! That's it!
- Yes! YEEES! - [cheers and applause]
[Alex] You've got 30 seconds left.
Victory dance.
[applause]
[whistle blows] That's your time up.
Look at that.
That is greeeat!
[applause]
I mean, to be fair, "that is greeeat!"
Amazing, and so organised, for a woman that we've,
just this show, we've seen just lazily ramming a cow into a hedge.
So focused on this day.
I just... I saw those balloons and I thought, "I can see this working."
And it worked.
Thank you.
[laughter]
I had a similar thought of, "I can see these working."
And it didn't.
[laughter]
Oh, honestly, it's possibly one of the most heartbreaking things in years.
When you were shouting at the ceiling, it was like a still from Platoon.
Daisy's, though, 'cause it's the first show of the series as well...
Daisy, incredible. I mean, amazing.
Do you want to see it again? 'Cause it was such a nice moment.
- I'd like to see it again. - OK, here we go.
That's it!
Yes! YEEES!
[audience groans]
Oh my God! You are kidding me!
That's just mean, showing her that.
Daisy, I'm going to give a bonus point...
- Thank you. - ...for an incredible effort.
- Thank you very much. - [Alex] Well done, Daisy. Well done.
Thank you.
Quick look at the scores.
Alright, she got the egg nearest the pan,
which means one bonus point to her,
and the scores now look like this.
[laughter]
Seven, seven, seven, six, five. We have three leaders.
- [Greg] Wow, that's close. - [Alex] It is close.
OK, everyone. For the first time in this low-scoring series,
please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
- [Greg] Hello! - [Alex] Hi, Greg!
Hello, everyone.
- Hello. - Hi.
Who's gonna read out the task?
Richard Herring's gonna read out the task.
Is he?
"Get the most balls in your bucket."
"At the end of the task, all the balls in your bucket
must be the same colour as each other."
"You will lose five points for every different- coloured ball in your bucket."
"You may only touch your litter-pickers,
and you must stay on your spot at all times."
"You have 100 seconds."
Simple rules. Only touch litter-pickers, please do not leave your spots.
At the end, I will go through to check the balls are all the same colours.
They don't have to be the same colours as your bucket,
just the same colours as each other.
You have 100 seconds, starting... [blows whistle]
[Greg] And we're off.
- [laughter] - Oh-ho, bold!
Please stay on your spot, Daisy! Please stay on your spot.
Oh.
- [Alex] Can you reach...? - Who wants a yellow?
- No one? - Oh, I do, I do!
[Johnny] I'll change you for an orange!
Who wants a red?
[Alex] Well, you are meant to be against each other.
- [Mawaan] Oh, yeah. - Who wants a red? Who needs a red?
I need a blue, if anyone's got one.
[Johnny] No, but I've got a spare yellow.
- Yellow? Daisy's getting yellow. - Are you yellow, Daisy?
Yes, thanks.
- There you are. - Thank you.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
[Greg] You're supposed to be beating each other. Stop being nice!
Solidarity!
- [Greg] You alright, Daisy? - Yeah.
Oh, oh, there's one. Oh, don't let him go!
Oh, why am I talking to plastic balls?
Oh, fuck it! Excuse me. Sorry.
[Alex] Oh, there's another one coming, Daisy.
[Greg] I mean, this is just...
Oh, bugger!
[whistle blows]
- [Greg] It's over! It's over. - [applause]
- [Alex] Mawaan. - What?
- Johnny. - Got no place else to go!
[laughter]
Right, we'll count those up and we'll see how that's affected the scores.
- Please join me downstairs! - [Alex] This way, please.
- You alright, Alex? - Oh, I loved that.
That was great fun. What happened?
Well, I've got some numbers for you.
As you know, you lost five points if you had any balls
a different colour to other balls in your bucket.
I know, I was listening.
Only one of them had different- coloured balls in their bucket.
That one. Katherine.
- [Greg] Oh. - [Alex] Oh dear.
What did that mean for her, points-wise?
- It meant she got -1. - Ohh.
There was teamwork amongst these two.
Yeah.
It did her favours. She came second.
Whoa!
Aw, everybody was so helpful and lovely, and...
You in particular were very kind.
It was only me next to you. Was you seeing double?
Yeah, she got eight yellows in her bucket.
Right.
Johnny, six orange ones.
- Mawaan, five orange ones. - I swear it was more than that.
But the clear winner, who gets five points,
is Richard, who got twelve yellow balls in his bucket!
- [Greg] What? Twelve! - [cheers and applause]
Twelve yellow balls.
Working away like a good little boy.
[Alex] He was very industrious over there, wasn't he?
- What a good boy. Well done. - Thank you, daddy.
I just want you to be proud of me.
Daddy is pleased.
Well, you're gonna be even more pleased.
Do you want to see the final scoreboard?
Do I?
With 12 points, the little boy is the little winner!
- Richard Herring! - [Greg] Little boy wins!
- [cheers and applause] - [Greg] Naughty little Richard. Well done.
Thank you.
Richard Herring wins. Please go and salivate over your mouth-worthy prizes!
[cheers and applause]
At this point in the show, I usually look back at something that's happened.
Something that humanity can reflect on. Gain from, even.
In today's case, it's pretty easy. What have we learnt today?
We've learnt that you can't fill an egg with helium!
Thanks for watching. Well done again to tonight's winner,
Richard Herring!
[cheers and applause]
[subtitles by tribbletown]