Hello, good evening, and welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies, and I will be guiding you through the next hour
of intense competition.
The gladiators of old needed physical strength, tenacity,
a quick mind, and a will to survive.
Even at this early stage in the competition,
our five warriors have consistently proved
that if this were ancient Rome,
all of them would already be dead.
Mercifully, it isn't, and they live on.
With an invisible audience watching from afar,
we're nearly ready to begin.
All that's left to do is to meet the five competitors Once more.
They are... Daisy May Cooper!
Johnny Vegas!
Katherine Parkinson!
Mawaan Rizwan!
And Richard Herring!
And still too close for my liking,
so close I can hear him panting and whimpering away like a whippet
who's too scared to ask to be let out for a wee, it's...
[high-pitched] ...Little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you. Hi, everyone. Feeling groovy. - Oh, God.
- OK. We've actually received our first email from a viewer. - OK.
It's from Shelley, and Shelley asks,
"Please can you ask Greg Davies if he's going to be using
the 'first the worst, second the best,
third the one with the hairy chest' system in the series at all?
And, if so, what is fourth and fifth?"
"Where I live, fourth is a golden eagle, fifth is a ballerina,
sixth is a slow donkey, seventh a sad carpenter,
eighth a very old child, ninth an Uber driver, tenth a chicken Kiev."
- OK, what's her name? - Shelley Kwonk.
- Shelley Kwonk? - That's what it says.
Pull yourself together, Shelley Kwonk!
Right. On with the prize task.
Please, what's today's category?
Well, you know as well as I do, but you still make me say it,
and that's absolutely fine.
This week, it's the best thing that probably has
a spring in its mechanism. So, at the end of the episode,
the winner will probably take home a load of springs.
- Richard Herring. - Yeah?
What thing have you brought in that's probably got a spring in it?
I have got something that probably has a spring in it.
So, you're not sure if it has the primary component of the task?
Yeah, I am sure it has the primary component, which is
"probably" has a spring in it.
If it "definitely" has a spring in it, then it fails.
- Not sure I like this arrogant... - [laughter]
...arrogant swagger that Herring's developed for show three.
It's a penguin race game that I bought for my daughter, foolishly.
- [Alex] Here it is. - They're penguins.
They go up the stairs, and then, they go "whee" and come down.
It plays this awful music, it goes...
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah! Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah! ♪
- [laughter] - [Richard] ♪ Whoo! ♪
...on and on, never ending until the blessed release of death.
- Right. - [laughter]
There we go. It is wonderful to watch it in action.
Unfortunately we can't do that, 'cause I took it apart to see if
- there's any springs in it. - OK.
[Alex] And we can see here, there are no springs in it.
If we look at the original picture, and if someone asked you,
"Is there going to be a spring in that?"
- You'd look at me and you'd say... - [both] "Probably."
- I think it's a strong opener. - Thank you.
Katherine. Can you beat "ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah"?
No. But it's a similar sort of thing, because it's a toy.
And something that I've had a lot of fun with.
It's a water pistol. It's quite a powerful water pistol.
Do you think it has a spring, Greg?
Well, you look at it and you tell me, what do you think?
Probably. It's got a mechanism where you pull the thing back and forth.
I mean, it doesn't, I've done the research.
But you'd think it might have one.
- Yeah. Good. Tick. - Tick.
Congratulations. I mean, honestly, I prefer the penguin thing
just because it upsets Richard so much.
I use it to water the plants, if that helps.
- Ah, that has helped a bit. - [laughter]
That's a lot of pressure on a chrysanthemum.
Yeah, it's very directional. But, yeah, I take your point.
But some plants like pressure.
And you wouldn't water a chrysanthemum at petal level anyway,
you'd go... [he sighs] down to the roots.
[laughter]
Mawaan, what have you brought in?
- It's my mattress. - [Alex] Here it is.
This is my actual mattress.
I've been sleeping on the sofa the last two days,
'cause I'm committed to this.
Does it have a spring in, Mawaan?
[Richard] I mean, doesn't it definitely have a spring in it?
- Hold on, no, no... - [Richard] ...a series of springs in it?
That looks like a memory foam to me.
Wait, what do you want to hear?
- [Greg] We want to hear it's probably got a... - Yeah, probably.
Is it a memory foam one or is it a spring mattress?
It's memory foam.
Well, then, it doesn't have a spring in it.
- She's right. - No, no, no, no.
Hoisted by your own petard.
I will say, we've not cut it open, so we don't know for sure.
Rubbish. Five hundred quid, that's a memory foam.
- [Greg] Johnny! - Yes.
What have you got that's probably got a spring in it?
I have brought a one-armed bandit.
- [Alex] Look at that. - [Richard] Oh, that's good.
[Greg] That's quite a cool prize.
I know, I know. I've gone out on a limb on this one, bear that in mind.
You're going to be gutted to lose that.
Absolutely gutted because it's fully working, as well.
If we have a family party, it keeps the children so occupied.
But I have agreed with my sister to add a thing at the top of,
"When the fun stops, stop."
[laughter]
So, I do appreciate a five-year-old might just go,
"This is the life for me. Who needs sixth form?"
- So there it is. It's a good thing. - It's a pretty good thing. Is anyone left?
Me.
Here come the big guns. She's previously brought in a crumpet.
[laughter]
- [Greg] Here we go. - Umbrella.
- [Alex] She's brought an umbrella. - [Daisy] I tell you why...
...if this was a question on Family Fortunes,
I would win with that, and I would've won with my crumpets.
I don't think you should come on here and apply the rules
of different shows.
[laughter]
That's no way to win.
It's true. If this was Blockbusters...
"If this was Play Your Cards Right, I'd be cleaning up!"
Of course it's got a spring in it. It wouldn't pop open otherwise.
- Well, some don't. - Some don't? - Not all have springs.
Right, look, I think you're an excellent group of people...
outside of this round.
[laughter]
- Last place - obviously, it's the umbrella. - What?!
Second-to-last place, goes without saying, it's the water pistol.
Oh, God, this is a bit tricky.
Third place, the annoying penguin game.
Three points to Richard Herring.
That is difficult though, because I enjoyed the "ah-ah, ah-ah, ah."
I'm sticking with it.
Mawaan's mattress - I don't know why, he just sold it to me.
It's like voodoo.
And obviously, the best prize there,
Johnny's one-armed bandit that he, so far, gets to keep.
- [Alex] Five points to Johnny Vegas! - [applause]
- Right! Let's get going. - Right you are.
And, just like an extremely overqualified person,
this one has 180 degrees.
- Hello, Alex. - Hello, Johnny.
- Right. - Right.
Erm, the writing's upside down.
Er, "Make the best..."
"Make the best upside down film."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
- I read that upside down. - We were all impressed.
If you film with a camera upside down,
it doesn't make any difference, does it?
My initial thing is Lionel Richie walking on the ceiling.
But I don't know if we're gonna to be able to...
[Alex] Are you going to go away and formulate the idea further?
- No. I think we should just do it. - [both] OK.
Well, I'll tell you - whenever I want to get myself into
a party mood, I go over to my music centre,
and I pop on Lionel Richie's classic dance track,
"Walking On the Ceiling".
[laughter]
Imagine Lionel Richie watching this,
going, "Is that my legacy?"
"Walking on the fucking ceiling?"
"Do you know how many hours I put into expressing myself, into my music?"
It was a B-side!
[laughter]
- What a feeling! - Yeah, when you walk on the ceiling.
What a feeling when I'm having a walk around the ceiling!
[Greg] Oh, man.
Good. Looks like we're on for a classic.
The first person we're going to see is Katherine Parkinson,
who's an excellent actor.
I'm not an actor, but here we are anyway, acting together.
Whoa.
[indistinct chatter]
Hmm.
Ah!
- This is nice. - Is it?
Yes?
- [she sighs] - What's wrong?
I don't know. I just feel different somehow.
- What do you mean? - Don't know. I sort of feel a bit...
...all over the place.
Sort of... upside down.
- Haven't you noticed anything different about me lately? - No.
Except your hands are massive.
[laughter]
Chin-chin.
[laughter]
[applause]
Visually stunning. I struggled a bit with the narrative.
I mean, I think it was quite simply a tale about a couple who...
- Oh, they're a couple? Oh. - Well, why? What did you think?
I thought it was two people having a lovely drink with odd-sized hands.
One of the two people was mugging away,
'cause they're an absolutely awful actor.
[laughter]
I mean, there's not a film you wouldn't wreck.
Absolutely wreck. Imagine if you'd been in Schindler's List.
[laughter]
[gibberish]
Yeah, no, I wouldn't have been great in it.
But I did my best. Did my best, as always.
You did your best. You ruined it.
I thought your chin lent those eyes a real depth and sensitivity.
I think what's a bit upsetting is that I, erm,
- am more attractive as a chin. - [laughter]
But that's just something I'm gonna deal with privately.
It's still yours. Own it.
- Yeah. No, good, thank you. - Right, who's next?
Well, now it's time for an appeal from the little-known
upside-downism charity from Johnny Vegas.
[melancholy string music]
Upside-downism...
...currently affects one, maybe two people in the UK.
It can cost sufferers family,
friends,
and any chance of a normal social life.
Just £3 a month can provide them with the vital resources
needed to turn things around...
...whilst still upside down.
To help those less gravitationally fortunate than ourselves,
please text "WHOAH!" now to 96969696,
and help turn that frown upside, downside...
...down.
- [applause] - [Katherine] Really powerful.
I mean, it speaks of your power as a film-maker
that I genuinely did start to feel sorry
for people with upside-downism.
The poor bastards have to Blu-Tack their fruit to a plate!
It's something I've not gone public with up until now.
I don't know what to say. I found it genuinely moving.
That was the idea. Johnny had a five-minute production meeting
with himself before it. You took it very seriously, this task.
I did.
Was it in that meeting that you workshopped the phrase
"less gravitationally fortunate"?
[laughter]
OK! I think you've had quite enough for now, you greedy things.
But if you manage to hold off for a few minutes,
I might let you have some more.
When you come back!
Well, hello, there. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Did the adverts make you waste some more money? Did they?
Think of your kids! They need your time, not a onesie!
Before the break, everything was a little bit upside down, wasn't it?
Yes, it was. Gosh, it's been confusing!
The people over there were trying to come up
with the best upside down film.
Next up, it's Mawaan Rizwan.
Once upon a time, there was a lonely bat.
I'm so lonely, dangling by myself. I wish I was normal!
But, one day, he met a magic horse.
Oh, hey there, lonely bat.
Just kiss me and you'll be turned the right way up.
[laughter and groans]
[neighing]
Now, you have to kiss me again so I can be the right way up.
Screw you, horse. I was just using you.
Why, you selfish motherfucker.
And so, they lived happily ever after.
Mic drop!
Well, at least one of them did.
[Greg] Wow.
I mean, it's a film about a horse getting off with a bat.
That's how Covid started, I believe.
- [laughter] - I thought it was, er... interesting.
There's not previously ever been a microscope put over bat-horse love,
- as far as I'm aware. - Yeah. Well, I just thought, you know,
I've got to use my platform to draw attention to...
...under-represented communities.
It was a good upside-down effect, wasn't it, at the beginning?
Absolutely incredible.
Did that hurt?
Katherine, why do you think that hurt?
It... I just... I was imagining myself doing it, and...
But did you think he was upside down?
- No... - [laughter]
-I was never upside down. - Oh!
- The camera was upside down. - I just thought he was upside down.
No, he was standing the right way up and horse's head...
Wouldn't it have been easier for him to be upside down?
No. We tried that. It wasn't easy.
[Richard] It would've been hard for him to walk away.
- [Katherine] Yes. - [laughter]
- Next up, it's Daisy. - [Greg] Lovely.
So, it's basically a film about these chickens.
This is gonna be our sand dune.
That'll look fantastic.
This is gonna look so good!
[she giggles]
That's great.
[she sings tunelessly] ♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Laaa, la, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪
[garbled clucking]
- [laughter and applause] - [Mawaan] Wow.
What was the task again? Read the task out.
- "Make the best upside down film." - "Best upside down..."
How does being upside down play into that?
- Well, everything was upside down... - Everything was upside down.
And the camera was also upside down,
- so it didn't look upside down at all. - No. That's what I mean.
The problem with it was, it was...
- [Greg] The right way up. - I spent a long time on the titles,
and then didn't have enough time, really, for the actual film.
[Alex] That was one of the problems.
Can't deny, though, the soundtrack was haunting.
[Greg] Oh, it was haunting alright.
I'm just imagining you sort of crouched over the mic,
♪ Waah, wah, wah, waah... ♪
♪ Waah, wah... ♪
And then pausing every now and again to go,
"This is gonna be so good."
Absolutely dreadful.
Nah, I'm not... Right, that's it.
I'm not gonna talk for the rest of this series. I'll just sit here.
For the rest of the series?!
If you don't appreciate that,
you won't appreciate anything else that I've done,
'cause that, for me, was my peak.
Who's left? Herring!
Yes, finally. We all know him as Richard Herring,
so that's why I'm gonna say, here is Richard Herring.
[clucking]
[rumbling]
[glasses rattle and smash]
Ahh!
Ah! Argh!
Hah... aaah!
A-argh!
Argh!
[hyperventilating]
Aargh!
[chicken clucks]
[laughter]
- [applause] - [Mawaan] Wow.
You're off the hook.
The acting during the earthquake...
...was so terrible!
It's not an earthquake, it's a supernatural event.
So, I end up on the ceiling, lots of things fall down,
but then the egg falls upwards so it's just a very confusing...
So, what are we supposed to take from it? That you're...
I'm not gonna explain!
You don't go to the director and go, "What was that meant to be?"
You don't go to Stanley Kubrick and go, "What was all that about?"
You do if Stanley Kubrick wants some points!
[Katherine] You can't go wrong in art.
I mean, I think you can with Daisy's, but, actually...
I went wrong with spending too much time on the credits, but that is...
Yeah, but you've got the soundtrack.
You've beat us all hands down with the soundtrack.
♪ Waah, wah, wah, waah... ♪
You still remember it, see?
I was gonna put Daisy last,
but Richard trying to defend it's made me put him last.
One point to Richard Herring for that effort.
Hers was... Didn't film it the other way up!
I know, it's shit! It's worse than yours, I know!
[Alex] Who's in third place?
Hampered as she was by your performance,
Katherine takes third place. Mawaan takes four points.
- [Alex] Second place. - I'll take it.
But, without question, the most moving and powerful film...
- ...was Johnny's. Five points. - Five points again to Johnny Vegas!
[applause]
I can tell you the series scores at this stage.
The quarter mark of the series.
Katherine's on 30 points,
but there's only five points separating her from the top people.
Mawaan and Daisy are both on 32,
Johnny and Richard both on 35.
- [Greg whistles] - Oh, God, I'm last.
And in this episode, Johnny is winning with 10 points to Daisy's 3.
- [Greg] Lovely. - [Daisy] Ah.
- OK, what's next? - We've got some good news,
because this one involves shoving long things into soft things!
- Here we go. - Ooh.
[Alex] Wow.
I'm upping my game.
[Alex] At last.
Mm, yeah.
Back in the room of evil delights.
"Put all the spaghetti into the grapefruit."
"The grapefruit may not leave this room."
Hear that?
"Most spaghetti in the grapefruit wins."
"You have ten minutes."
"For the last eight minutes,
you must stand with both feet on the spot on the floor."
"Your time starts... now."
So I've got two minutes to come up with summat.
I get it. Get the spaghetti in the grapefruit. Let's crack on.
OK, well, first up, they've both got such lovely long hair -
it's Katherine and Richard.
Here we go.
Let's just see how easy it is to push this into a grapefruit.
I mean, that's... Is that what you're talking about? No?
[Alex] It's up to you.
I don't think I'm missing anything.
[Alex] No, that spaghetti's in the grapefruit, I suppose.
But why is it saying it can only be
on the same spot in the last eight minutes? Is there something I...
Should I be moving now?
Just make a spaghetti hedgehog.
I don't need to leave the room, I'm staying here.
[Alex] See how the spot on the floor is there?
I know, I'm in it. Don't even need to be in it for two minutes.
Why waste two minutes when it's this easy
- to put spaghetti in your grapefruit? - [Alex] OK.
Two at once?
- [snapping] - Oop.
It's gonna look quite, sort of, artistic anyway.
If nothing else, this is gonna look good.
- [laughter] - Ah.
And we've got ages left, right?
Ah, I see.
- [Alex] You see? - Yeah. Well, I don't see.
- [Katherine] You know how it's gone dark? - [Alex] Mm-hm?
I'm assuming that's part of the task.
- You've got 8 minutes left, Katherine. - Yeah, no probs.
[Richard] Ah, Jesus. It gets harder when you can't see.
[Katherine sighs] You're still here, yeah?
- [Alex] I'm still here. - Yeah.
- [snapping] - Oh, piss on that.
[Richard] Ah, bollocks.
[Katherine sighs] At times like this,
I wish I was ambidextrous.
- Times like this? - Times like this, yeah.
[whistle blows]
That's an unbeatable amount of spaghetti in a grapefruit.
[whistle blows]
I'd like to see the person who's done better than that.
[Greg] Electric.
It was quite... meditative, wasn't it?
Yeah, I felt every second.
It was only Katherine, at one point, inexplicably saying, "Piss on that,"
that stopped me from running into traffic during it.
Do you want me to tell you how much they put in the grapefruit?
Do what you want.
I can jazz up the measurements, if you want.
Richard, who was pretty sure he'd got an unbeatable grapefruit,
147 grams of spaghetti, or seven mice worth.
Katherine, three mice on a CD, 73 grams.
So, not a lot from Katherine, because Richard clumped his.
Ah, life's futile, though, isn't it?
Right, let's draw a line under the first half of the show.
What's done is done. Get the kettle on, you.
It's your turn. No, it's your turn!
Hello, again, and welcome back to the third part of tonight's show,
where Daisy May Cooper has generously donated
an average umbrella to the prize pot.
Before the break, we were in the middle of a task
involving spaghetti and grapefruit. Am I right?
Yes, and tall and strong and handsome and mighty.
Next up are Johnny and Mawaan.
It's OK if I break spaghetti and use some as experimentation, isn't it?
- [Alex] OK. - Gonna see if... OK, cool, worth a shot.
You've got a full drawer just full of zip-seal bags,
which tells me you're up to no good.
- [Alex] Do be careful with that. Ooh, God... - I'm just making big holes.
Is it that easy?
[Alex] 40 seconds before you're not allowed to leave us.
Well, I'm not leaving, really, am I? Let's be honest.
I know, I'll take me hat off!
Is there some, like, forbidden rule
that if any of the pasta snaps me head gets cut off?
Is there something about to swing that I should know about?
[Alex] You've got eight minutes and five seconds.
Could that be the fact... Oh, you are taking... No!
What the fuck. Wait, is this... Is this not gone...
Have you got night-time cameras?
- [Alex] What are night-time cameras? - It's what they use on Most Haunted.
[Johnny sighs] Oh, God, I'm fingering a tangerine.
[Alex] It's a grapefruit.
- [Alex] Three and a half minutes left. - [Mawaan] I'm gonna play you at your own game.
[Alex] What... What do you mean?
- Nothing! - [spaghetti snaps]
- Erm, er... - [zip opens and closes]
[Johnny] Where's the hole? That's it, get your finger right in.
[Alex] How's it going, Johnny?
You know what? I don't know, 'cause I can't see owt, Alex.
[Mawaan] Don't you just hate it when you run out of grapefruit space?
We've all been there, innit.
[whistle blows]
All gone.
- [applause] - [Johnny] What's going on?
[whistle blows]
- [laughter and applause] - [Alex] Those holes are... wide.
It just looks like, you know, that unshown episode of Tomorrow's World.
The future of agriculture!
[laughter]
Can I ask you both whether the lights going off
made any difference whatsoever,
other than making you both sound really creepy?
- It did to me! - Did it make it worse?
Yeah, 'cause it was just the...
The angle of, you know, penetration with the pasta.
Johnny, because he'd pre-drilled the fruit,
got 407 grams in, two hamsters.
The way I measured them was seeing how much was left in the jar
and subtracting that from the original total of 1,000 grams.
There was none left in the jar!
Well, that's because he'd put all of the spaghetti into the grapefruit.
Well, I always double-check my measurements,
and so I did then measure the spaghetti in the grapefruit,
and there was only 442 grams, so there's 500-odd grams
- of spaghetti missing. - [shocked gasps]
- Oh, you might wanna check that. - Well, I did check it.
I re-listened to the soundtrack of Mawaan's attempt
and, actually, after I'd finished, there were some noises.
- No! - Just listen to what happened when he left the room.
[zip opens]
[metallic clattering]
[rattling]
Oh, my.
That is Mawaan's dressing room there, and that is his bin.
[Mawaan] What? This is a stitch-up!
- [Katherine] Aren't you shocked? - [Daisy] That is despicable.
Of all the people here, you're the last person I would have suspected.
- [Mawaan] Really? - You're the Lance Armstrong of us all.
Is he gonna be disqualified from the whole thing, then?
I don't know. It's exciting, isn't it?
I don't know, and I'll be the one to decide.
But I still get paid for this show, right?
[laughter]
It's not a technical rule-break, even, it's just...
Was he not technically breaking the rules then?
No, but it's the sneaky intent that troubles me.
You put me in the dark! I'm gonna have some fun.
It's not fun to be sneaky!
No. That's a sort of psychopath.
I'm gonna say it. You're a sneaky pasta snake.
- Yep. Yeah. - That's what you are, you're a sneaky pasta snake.
But still, he's in the lead. 442 grams in there.
- [Katherine] No, no, no, no. - [Daisy] What? No, absolutely not!
The thing is, he didn't need to cheat.
But you didn't even dispose of it in a, sort of, clever way.
I would have, like, flushed it down the toilet, broken it up.
But now you're displaying the same sneaky pasta tendencies
as the sneaky pasta snake.
Yeah, but I would have done it better.
- I would've been a better sneak. - [Richard] We haven't seen what you do yet.
Well, there is one more person to see,
and I've got quite a good joke about her name.
Last up, I need to warn you that she might make the noise
of a mourning dove and a happy cat at the same time.
Yes, Daisy May Coo-Purr.
- Let's see it! - God, I hate you.
I'm gonna try and cook it.
[laughter]
Right. Let's get the kettle on it.
Oh, if I put in a bowl and then it will get... yes!
How long have I got till I've got to be back in?
- One minute. - OK, that's fine.
Yep, OK.
Right.
What we're gonna do is we're just gonna let this marinade
in the hot water.
Oh, fuck's sake!
You didn't say about the lights!
[muffled] OK. I think I can do this.
[snorting and grunting]
[panting]
[squidging] I'm making a bit of a mess.
Oh, it's getting softer, the spaghetti.
Let the hot water penetrate the spaghetti till it gets less hard.
Ooh, yes!
That's the masterpiece.
[whistle blows]
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Well done, Daisy.
- [Alex] Goodbye. - Bye!
[she giggles]
I mean, I honestly, until the final image, thought you'd lost your mind.
She was very calm, in the dark with a vat of boiling water
and she'd just bit into a grapefruit...
I did. I actually used my teeth as the, you know, the utensil
to open the grapefruit and then I got it all out.
You scooped the flesh out?
I scooped the flesh out with my bare hands. I didn't use anything else.
Wow. It's good to have a skill, isn't it?
[Alex] She got so much in.
She got 757 grams worth, a third of a Chihuahua's worth of spaghetti.
- And it was in. I mean, I can't fault it. - So, first place to Daisy on pure weight.
- [Greg] Of course. Yeah. - Really? Really!
- And honest! - [Alex] Five points.
Katherine obviously in last place with just 73 grams,
Richard 147 grams,
Johnny 407, Mawaan 442. There was the rest of it in his bin.
Now, I will give the gentleman the opportunity
to stand in front of everyone and to admit that he's a sneaky pasta snake
and to formally apologise.
Yeah, but once you've been labelled
a sneaky pasta snake, that's it, innit?
You'll always be known as that.
Only for that part you were a sneaky pasta snake.
Yeah, OK. For that four minutes of the task...
...I was a sneaky pasta snake.
[Greg] Right, that's fair. Whoo!
That takes a lot of courage.
Thank you, and this is a testament to...
Hey, there's always room for healing, so thank you.
[Katherine] But he still gets those points, though, yeah?
Which means, at the end of all that,
- Daisy wins the task and five points. - [Greg] Well done!
Very good. Last task, please.
Okey dokey Mr Pokey, and this one involves... target practice.
One shoe!
"Catapult this shoe into the bath
using a home-made catapult contraption."
"Only your feet may operate your catapult contraption."
"You may not move the bath or this red green..."
"...and you must build your catapult contraption on this red green."
Oh, Lord.
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now!"
OK. Let's see what these crazy catapult cats got up to.
OK, well, let's kick off with Johnny.
- So I can only use me foot to operate it? - [Alex] Yes, please, Johnny.
I'll do that.
Just see if I get any clearance at all.
- [laughter] - Sugar!
Aiii-ya!
Ooh, almost.
Ahh!
Argh!
[incoherent moaning]
I get a longer, a wider purchase there...
One, two, three!
Ohh!
[metal clangs]
- [audience groans] - [Alex] Not bad.
- Do you want me to hold it? - Naw.
Had an accident at work that wasn't your fault?
[groans and applause]
Plan B.
Nope!
This is the one.
Ohh!
Oh, for God...
Right. It'll work.
Oh, for...
- Yes! - [applause]
At last!
That's a dramatic exit.
For the vast majority of your attempts,
the last time I'd seen anyone doing those particular movements,
it was four o'clock in the morning in Birmingham
and the man had clearly been drinking Special Brew.
Yeah, we were pleased to get to the end of that.
How long was Johnny kicking things in a garden?
Surprisingly swift. 12 minutes, 20 seconds.
- [Greg] Right. - And it was only 12 attempts, as well.
I would argue, possibly, that the actual successful shoe-to-bath entry
didn't come from a catapult.
It came from a man kicking a shoe into a bath.
There was no use of leverage, as far as I can see.
You put a shoe on a rake and then you kicked the shoe into the bath.
[Alex] I mean, a catapult is a device that can throw objects at a high speed.
Yes, and it was taped,
so there was a point of swivel.
There was a point of swivel.
And my ankle was quite badly swollen by that point.
I'm not surprised. You'd had quite the night out. Incredible.
OK, only one part left, but before that...
...there must be adverts!
Right, welcome back to Taskmaster.
No time to lose because we're in the middle of some catapult-making.
- Right, Alex? - Right.
And not just any catapult, this is a catapult to fire a shoe into a bath.
Next up are Daisy and Richard.
Got to operate with my feet, though.
Let's see how it goes.
- Ready? - [Alex] Oh, yeah.
Ugh.
[she laughs]
Right.
[Alex] Wow.
OK, little less pressure.
- Would that count as a catapult? - It's up to you, Richard.
Go! Oh!
It's going very awry.
Oh!
Come off it!
Yes!
[applause]
[slow motion] Ye-e-es!
[Alex] Thanks, Daisy.
[Alex] Tenth time lucky.
Ow!
[cheers and applause]
It's in.
- Great. Thank you, Richard. - Thank you very much. - Well done.
Right. Your initial catapult design was quite elaborate.
- Yeah. - Yeah. What I wrote down is it started with a good design
and it ended with a man stamping on a sledge.
It went in. How long did it take?
It took Richard 16 minutes and 10 seconds.
16 minutes of lonely sledge-stamping.
Exactly twice as long as it took Daisy.
Just 8 minutes and 5 seconds for her.
That is good.
And not only did it take half the time, but I have to say that
Daisy May Cooper, to me, looked like a professional athlete.
Oh, really?
With all of the focus, as if this was an actual sport.
- I thoroughly enjoyed that. - Powerful.
Here are the last two, then. It's Mawaan and Katherine.
What would you use to make a catapult?
- I can't tell you that. - It's like a sort of Y-shaped twig.
- Yeah, OK. - Can you see if there's one in there?
You want me to look out for a Y-shaped twig?
- Yeah. - In the... In the woodland area?
Maybe try the house.
[Alex] That should work.
Oh, hang on.
Can you get this off for me?
[Alex] That's not bad.
Yeah!
Will you come and hold this for me?
Yes.
[quietly] What is it that you have to do to catapult something, really?
They can hear this.
OK.
Hang on.
[he laughs]
Argh! Damn it!
Come on!
So you want me to pull it... like this? Really?
[Katherine] Oh, God. Ready?
Well, sort of.
Ah!
Where did it go?
It's still here. It's still... Oh.
I should've stretched.
OK, legs slightly apart, please. Thank you.
Where is it?
Head!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
It's a very small bathtub, Alex.
Hypothetically what I'd be doing is something like...
It's a shame that my hands aren't my feet.
Yes, that's the one! That's the one! Come on!
Argh!
What's it doing over there?
No! [he screams]
One, two, three.
What we do is we stick this here,
the shoe should be sort of like that?
Yep.
Oh, no!
Come on.
Come on. Come... Ah!
[applause]
[Alex] I've stopped the clock.
One, two, three.
Yes!
Thank you, Katherine.
[applause]
[Greg] Right.
- We should deal with Mawaan first. - OK.
He had one system and he stuck to it.
He stuck to it 84 times.
84 attempts. How did he do?
Very badly.
Very badly. Over half an hour.
No. No!
- Well, yeah, 31 minutes... - You're exaggerating!
I'm not exaggerating. 31 minutes and 12 seconds.
Try and remember that feeling of crushing disappointment you felt
and let's talk about Katherine's.
[laughter]
I'm pleased with overall how I did.
This is what I've recorded.
You initially shook a TV aerial for some time on the side of a caravan.
You've then, as far as I can work out, put some elastic bands
round your feet and lay on your back
while Alex fruitlessly attempted to fire shoes from your feet.
In all of those attempts,
the shoe did not travel more than one foot from you.
You've then destroyed a garden arch.
Eventually you put it on a long stick
to lower the shoe into the bath.
- Catapult it into the bath. - And I got it in.
You vocalised what we all thought, "It would be easier
if my hands were my feet."
[Richard laughs]
I've written it down to go in the Taskmaster classic quotes.
"It's a shame my hands..."
"It's a shame my hands aren't my feet."
Almost unbelievably, she was only a minute and a half slower
than Mawaan. It was 32 minutes 45 seconds.
Wow. Give us a summary.
OK, well, Katherine, last place, one point.
Mawaan, two points. Richard in third place with three points.
Johnny second with four points,
but the winner, again, was Daisy May Cooper, who gets five points.
- [applause] - [Greg] An athlete. A catapult athlete.
Quick look at the scores before I send them off, then.
Yes, interesting reading.
Katherine is now 10 points adrift from the leader,
who is Johnny Vegas with 17 points.
[Alex] It's been an interesting episode.
Alright, please stand up
and head to the stage for the final task of the show!
- Hello. - Hello, Greg.
Who is going to read the task, young man?
Daisy May Cooper's going to read the task.
[Greg] Excellent.
"Draw a picture of the object on your card."
"You may not speak or communicate with your team-mates in any way."
"You must stay on your spots and not move the canvas or turntable."
"First team to guess their object wins."
Yeah, so it's a team task.
It's Daisy and Richard versus Johnny, Katherine and Mawaan.
You've got to draw the item that's written on your card,
fastest team to get it right wins.
We're gonna do this three times, so you will each get to draw once,
and someone in your team will draw twice.
There is two points per team member for each win. OK?
So please look at your cards, don't let anyone see it,
keep it in your head.
Please start the turntable.
You may start drawing on the whistle.
And... [blows whistle]
[Katherine] Is it a pair of ears?
- Hypodermic needle! Syringe! - [whistle blows]
Richard has got it right, Daisy was drawing a syringe,
so they get two points.
Mawaan was drawing a clarinet.
[Johnny] I was gonna say kangaroo.
It's game two. We now know the rules. Please look at your cards.
Don't let anyone see it.
You may start drawing when the whistle blows.
Please start the turntable.
No, I have not blown the whistle!
[blows whistle] I've blown the whistle.
[Johnny] Pubic hair!
- [Mawaan] Chicken. Diamond. - [Johnny] Box!
A penny-farthing.
- [Daisy] Bradley Wiggins. - [Mawaan] Rug. Rug in a bedroom.
Cushions.
- [Daisy] Oh, car. Tractor! - [Mawaan] Farm house.
- Combine harvester. - [whistle blows]
- It is a combine harvester. - [Greg] It is lovely work.
Can I have a look at Katherine's? I didn't see it.
[Alex] Yeah, we'll just spin that round to Greg.
Those are the cushions from a caravanette.
Very close. It's a photocopier.
[laughter]
Please rotate spots again.
OK, and prepare yourself for game three.
They've picked up their pens, they can now pick up their cards.
Please don't let anyone else see it.
Oh.
[Alex] You happy?
- No. - Oh.
Do not start drawing till the whistle blows, please.
Good luck.
- [whistle blows] - You may draw.
[Mawaan] Ears.
Television.
- [Katherine] Fried egg. - [Mawaan] Hand bag.
[Alex] They've guessed television, fried egg and handbag so far, Greg.
- [Katherine] Automobile. - [Richard] Face.
Oh, this is just...
[Richard] You've destroyed each other.
Landscape. Is it landscape? Nature?
- Box. Lunchbox. - I don't even...
Box! Box! Box!
[she laughs]
[Mawaan] Draw! Draw!
Draw, Johnny!
[Katherine] No box. Box. Toaster! Toaster!
- [Mawaan] Erm, Xbox! - [Katherine] Phone box.
[Greg] Daisy's lost it.
[Alex] Daisy's is not bad, I promise.
Spaghetti! Spaghetti!
- [Alex] You're close. - Pasta!
- [Mawaan] Matchbox. - [Katherine] Box!
Bolognese.
Box. Box!
Draw, Johnny!
Johnny, draw!
- [Katherine] Coffin. - [Richard] Vermicelli.
It's not a coffin.
Oh, God.
Lasagne.
- [whistle blows] - [applause]
[Alex] It is lasagne! Of course it's lasagne.
[Mawaan] How is this lasagne?
'Cause she did, like, spaghetti,
and then I got spaghetti 'cause it looked like spaghetti.
A sandbox.
[Mawaan] Sandbox?
[Alex] It was a sandbox.
Right, let's add that up and put it to the final scores.
Come down here and join me.
- [Greg] Well, well, well. - [Alex] Wowee.
- That must have changed things. - Yes.
Johnny Vegas looking a little bit nervous
about losing a prized possession perhaps.
I mean, he just needed to get one of them right
to guarantee keeping his beloved one-armed bandit.
At the end of the episode, Johnny's on 17 points.
- [Greg gasps] - Is it enough?
It is not enough!
The winner of this episode is Daisy May Cooper with 19 points.
- [cheers and applause] - [Greg] Oh, wow.
Daisy May Cooper wins!
Go and do your spring clean-up!
So, what have we learnt today?
If you feel like you've got nothing in life worth saying,
with the right soundtrack, anything can have meaning.
- ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪ - I wish...
- ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪ - ...my hands...
- ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪ - ...were my feet.
- ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪ - See you again soon for chapter four,
but for now, let's applaud tonight's winner, Daisy May Cooper!
[applause]