This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all social
distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.
Yow! I just need to read that again.
Oh.
APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to the Taskmaster Academy.
At this educational establishment,
we teach our pupils problem-solving, cunning, and how to endure ridicule.
At the end of the course, four of them will have destroyed
their careers and will never work in television again.
And one lucky winner will have my golden trophy.
And also will have destroyed their career,
and will never work in television again.
It's like life -
cruel and without meaning.
We have an audience watching this in the cinema down the road,
so let's crack on and meet our five contestants.
They are Charlotte Ritchie... CHEERING
..Jamali Maddix... CHEERING
..Lee Mack, Mike Wozniak... CHEERING
..and Sarah Kendall. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who, like an obedient pup,
responds instantly and affectionately to all my commands.
And, like an obedient pup,
enjoys lapping away at his own mess.
It's little Alex Horne!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hey, guys. All right, you dirty boy?
Riddle me this. Ooh.
What, am I?
I'm small, and yet I can fly, and you...
Are you a fly?
LAUGHTER Quite a bit more.
My first is in flock, but not in pizza.
Are you a fly? My second I've...
The wetter I get, the more I weigh.
I'm a small inse... I'm a fly.
Yeah.
Let's crack on. Prize Task time.
You know it.
And this week, the category is the best drinking vessel.
You know it.
You'll judge the best drinking vessel, Greg, and that person
will start the show with five healthy points.
At the end of the show, the person with the most points
will take home all five drinking vessels and finally be able to have
a few people over for some drinks.
All right, then.
Michael Wozniak.
I made a cup. What? ALEX GASPS
It was my first try at w-wood w-whittling.
Wood whittling? Wood whittling.
Not all of the wound are healed fully.
The intention was a, sort of, kind of, oriental soup thing.
It ended up somewhere between that and a... love spoon.
There's the love spoon. Wow.
Oh, wow. Erm, the face, as you can clearly see,
is your face.
Erm, the blood has been sanded off.
You should've been wearing a little leather thimble.
LAUGHTER
I've not got children, as you know.
But if I had a seven-year-old and they brought that back,
I'd probably look to give them support.
LAUGHTER
I'd probably... And a 40-year-old man?
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Are you counting it as a drinking vessel, Greg?
I suppose you can drink out of anything, can't you?
Oh, so they could've brought in anything? Not a sieve.
Eh? Not a sieve. Yeah, you can probably get the meniscus around
the edge of the sieve.
If you're quick, yeah. LAUGHTER
Erm, Sarah. Yes. Can you beat that?
I... well, I mean, when you said,
"If I had a seven-year-old who had brought home something like" -
which is really a good springboard into, er, my daughter had done
pottery at school, and it was a cup.
There it is. Wow.
Erm, not... LAUGHTER
So remember, the category is the best drinking vessel.
I mean, the thing is, it doesn't fulfil any of the functions
of a cup, but I've just gone for razzle-dazzle here.
Listen. After the last episode, you were right to up the showbiz.
You've really brought Broadway to the show. Thank you.
And Jamali, can you beat either of those?
Yeah, I mean, I just went by the rules of the show, and...
Can I say something?
Your tone suggests this is going to be rubbish.
I don't think it's rubbish, I just brought a plastic cup.
Yup, you just brought a plastic cup.
Yeah! Non-biodegradable, non-recyclable,
just good old-fashioned plastic.
SNICKERING
You saw what happened last episode
when Sarah was riding around really slowly, right? Yeah. Yeah, OK.
But she won the last episode.
Ahh. Like, I just decided I want to win now.
I'm sick of trying to be like,
"Oh, I'll bring in a shoe that sings."
I'm not doing that shit no more.
I know what show you're doing, it's that whimsy, and ahh,
it's, "Oh, look, it's a vessel," and all this shit.
I ain't doing it no more, all right?
Plastic cup, non-recyclable, that's what you're getting.
OK, so you're going to play this absolutely down to that?
Just right down the barrel now. OK. I'm done.
If you win the series based on this technique,
it's going to be a hollow crown. LAUGHTER
Lee.
Erm, I went for a "money can't buy" bit of razzmatazz.
It's Simon Cowell's mug.
Here it is. Mm. Simon. A mug off his table... Mm.
..of Britain's Got Talent.
And it's unfortunate, cos we keep giving it to the tree surgeon
who's called Simon. Yeah.
I think he thinks it's a nice touch.
And we keep, "Oh, I forgot to say that it's not for him,"
and it's happened two or three times. Just let Simon have it.
I know. How often do you need a tree surgeon?
You know, I mean, annually.
You get them pollarded annually, yeah? Not just me, is it?
Pollarded? Pollarded, yeah.
You're not going to be allowed back up north.
LAUGHTER
OK, Charlotte. OK.
So, I've got a tankard, basically.
I do believe that it's the best thing you can drink out of. Ooh.
It's my grandad's.
And underneath, it's glass.
I can show you the glass bottom.
Ooh. And what's cool about that is that the reason it had glass bottoms
is because, in the 18th century, the Navy used to drop a king
shilling into people's pints so that when they drank it and picked it up,
they'd be like, "What's this?"
And they'd be conscripted into the Navy - so they designed glass
underneath so people could check their pints to check that they
weren't going to be conscripted to the Navy for, like, years.
Huh. It's a good prize.
♪ It's a good prize... # You'd want it. You'd want it.
ALL: # It's a good prize, It's a good prize
♪ It's a good prize...
♪ Actually added historical information... ♪
LAUGHTER
Points, then, Greg, please?
Sorry, Jamali.
One point. It's a plastic cup.
Second-worst, you know, at the end of the day,
I have to give you my reaction
as to the mug that I want least in my house. OK. Yeah.
Well, it's Simon Cowell's mug. Two points. Erm...
Just because I'm presuming that in three years,
there's been a dramatic improvement in her talent,
I'll give your daughter three points. Fantastic.
Unbelievably, for one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life,
I'm giving you 4 points.
I think cos I feel sorry for you.
And, er... Thank you.
..the beautiful grandad tankard takes it. Yeah. Comfortably.
I'm so chuffed with that. 5 points.
5 points to Charlotte Ritchie. I have judged!
APPLAUSE OK, task proper, please, Alex.
HIGH-PITCHED: Certainly. Here we go.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike!
Lovely day. It is, isn't it?
LEE SIGHS
Good day. Yeah.
Were you just saying "good day"?
I was trying it out, yeah. Yeah?
Didn't feel great.
"Make that balloon hover untethered for 20 seconds."
What balloon?
"During the hovering,
"the top of the balloon must not be higher than your chin."
"And the bottom of the balloon must not be lower than your waist."
MIKE: "Also, you must sneer throughout the 20 seconds."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
All right.
LEE: First question is... where's this balloon?
I reckon you can almost hear it.
I can almost hear the balloon?
I think if you listen carefully.
Eee... ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... eee!
Right.
How do I get it down?
Right.
Make that balloon....
Oh, it's there!
I genuinely - has that been there the whole time,
or did someone just do that?
That's been a foot away from your head throughout.
That's incredible. It nearly hit you twice.
I can't...
Right.
Well, do I untie it?
It's up to you. Mm.
There are scissors inside. Yeah! That's a good idea.
Right. I want to establish two things.
One, Charlotte Ritchie can't get a balloon off a clothesline.
No, she can't. Two, Lee Mack hasn't got peripheral vision.
He has not. Right, let's crack on.
OK, so they had to make the balloon hover,
and they had to sneer throughout.
The most famous sneer of all time is, of course, Cyril Sneer,
who is a pink aardvark.
We're going to see Charlotte, Ritchie, Lee, and Mack first of all.
Good luck!
Right, so...
Oh, OK.
It's helium. It's helium.
Right.
Oh! It's helium.
What I need to do is find a weight that is perfect.
Not too heavy, not too light.
No, that's too heavy.
I'm not sure this is doing anything.
Is that untethered? Yeah.
Oh. Geez.
I'll try this sponge.
That sponge might be just about the right...
Not bad. It's close, that, innit?
Is that untethered?
Is it hovering? Yeah.
Is it? Yeah.
Is it? OK.
Right. Ohh.
I don't know how to do this.
I can see that.
Oh, you bugger!
Oh, you... bastard!
Oh-ho-ho, God!
There must be another one.
Don't tell me that's it.
That's it, Lee. Oh, come on!
Is it definitely gone? Yeah, that's gone.
What do you mean, "Is it gone?"
What, you mean that balloon full of helium that flew to the sky?
Yeah, don't think I'm getting that back.
Think that's gone. OK. OK.
Thank you, Charlotte.
Gutted. Absolutely gutted.
Ah. Bewildered old man.
LAUGHTER
His logic was great, though. The weight logic. Yeah.
Would've worked a treat, wouldn't it?
That blew my mind, when I saw that.
I genuinely thought, "There's no way that's possible."
That must've been the whole point of it, was for it to fly up in the air.
You thought the point of the task was to fail?
Well, it just wasn't possible, yeah.
Oh. Of course it's possible!
Lee showed an example of how it's possible. Of course it is.
I was a bit intrigued.
You decided on the old static electricity trick from school. Yeah.
And then, you realised it was helium. Yeah.
And then, you knew you had to come up with a new system. Yeah.
And you went straight back to the old system.
LAUGHTER
OK. It's the end of part one.
Snack time! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the second part
of tonight's Taskmaster presentation.
Wasn't there some form of balloon buffoonery going on, young Alex?
God, yeah.
Charlotte and Lee's helium-filled balloons have sadly gone AWOL,
so now it's over to Jamali and Sarah to try and make their balloons
hover untethered for 20 seconds while sneering.
See? It's above my...
Is it tethered? No.
What's... what's holding it down? Me.
That's not going to work.
Just letting go of it.
CRANKING
SAWING
If I go into, like, an airless area.
Oh, I touched it. I touched it.
VIGOROUS RUBBING
You all right in there, Jama... Oh. Yeah? Hello.
How do you create static on the balloon? Is it rubbing it?
Static? Yeah, I tend to rub it.
You need the right material.
What material is it?
Like a woolly jumper. You got a woolly jumper?
I can get you a woolly jumper. Can you get me a woolly jumper, please?
Who's timing this? Who do you want to time it? You.
Ah, no, no. I'm going to start again. That was three seconds.
That was three? Yeah.
Got you a woolly jumper. Thank you.
Now, does this count? Because it's not tethered, it's lodged.
Is it hovering? Yeah.
If we're being technical, that's hovering.
That's hovering, is it? Technically.
Is that going to be...? No, it's...
Oh!
It's still warm. Did you take it off someone's back? Yes. OK.
It's still, like, warm. Yeah. They were warm.
Right, why don't we go inside?
This is better. It's already better.
I just had a thought. Uh-huh?
What about static electricity? Is that hovering?
It's going to be up to you to argue it in the studio. I can't...
Oh, I won't be able to take on Greg. He's awful.
Oh, so I should start now?
OK, uh... one, yeah?
Are you sneering at the camera?
You keep sneering.
There you go.
You reckon that was hovering? That was hovering. Yeah?
Do you not think that was hovering? It's not important what I think.
So what's your job? What's your job, then?
I don't understand. I thought. I'm the Task... Taskmaster's assistant.
Yeah, but as the assistant, you would know what the thing would...
Yeah. I'm not allowed to have an opinion.
All right.
I measure things. It's not a bad gig.
Is that 20 seconds?
Alex? Are you going to call it?
Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to call it. That's 45 seconds.
It just seems to me, as we go on,
when you get set unusual tasks to do, you're sort of baffled.
You were quite confused by what I was doing there.
You sort of ask him a simple question, he goes,
"Well, look, I don't know."
It's your job, mate. Yeah.
What's your job, then? I'm to help him, not to help you.
You've got a bit more aggressive
now you're sitting next to Greg, innit? I feel more confident. OK.
Um, so your tactic was to go into an airless,
I quote, airless environment.
It's the famous airlock that is the shed.
Honestly, this? Yeah? This movement. Yeah?
It made your daughter's pottery look competent.
Well, now it's explained. I have to say, I think
you're being harsh, cos that seemed to work for a second. Yeah.
The helium against the waft. You just have to have a lot of waft.
Well, I tried that with the leaf blower,
but I couldn't go at the same pace as a leaf blower. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's too much waft.
Sarah did it in 21 minutes and 18 seconds...
Yeah? Sounds like me... whereas Jamali did it
in four minutes and 50 seconds. Nice.
And technically, as he kept saying, it hovered.
Well done. Right, what's next?
Finally, he's lithe, he's blithe, and he looks good in ties.
It's Mike Wozniak.
Will you excuse me a minute?
Far too many. Crazy choice.
Hiya.
So I'm just trying to make it sort of a little weight.
It's not tethered.
OK, let's go.
Sneering.
Oh, you little...
I don't think that was 20 seconds.
Uh, one of your little laundry pegs is on that.
I'm still sneering.
I think arguably that's a lost cause.
All right, then.
Oh! Oh...
HE GRUNTS
HE THUDS
Ah!
There you are.
Got your balloon back?
One sneery-sneery, two sneery-sneery,
three sneery-sneery, four sneery-sneery, five sneery-sneery...
..20 sneery-sneery.
Well, thank you.
I'm very happy I got your balloon back, Alex.
Wouldn't want you to lose that.
In case you need it.
Thanks. Thank you, Mike.
I mean, even in victory, when you stepped out of that phone booth,
you looked like a head of department from a local council
who'd just been fired.
Talk us through the initial sort of Greek dance.
Greek dance? The...
It was hovering over a certain area, so I'm trying to
sort of keep the ascribed area in the right sort of zone. Yeah.
And I... It wasn't an intent... This just...
It's not a real plan, it's just...
I enjoyed your balloon dance. Thank you.
And then up it went.
And then up it went, and this is where it gets interesting, because
the two other contestants whose balloon flew away just let them go.
But not Mike Wozniak. Never let it go.
That spirit of the Blitz mentality. That's right.
No-one has ever hopped over that fence before.
Never looked over it. We've never had a fence hop.
How do you feel about that?
I felt good, and I was thrilled when I got over the side,
that it was just earth.
It was really sort of about halfway through the job
that I didn't really know what was on the bottom.
It could have been a mine shaft. It could have been.
That would be one hell of an ending to a dance.
Incredible. So he's got to have rocked it.
He wasn't as quick as Jamali. He did spend quite a long time
chasing a balloon across a golf course.
Oh, yeah, he jumped over the fence. Yeah. Yeah.
So Jamali took four minutes 50, Mike eight minutes.
So just to recap, it's zero points to Lee
and Charlotte, Sarah gets three, then we've got Mike gets
four points, but the winner with five points is Jamali.
Hey!
Can we have a look at a scoreboard? I have you a scoreboard.
Lee is in last place with two, Mike is in first place with eight points.
Another one, then. Come on, chop, chop. OK.
Well, guess what? It's team task time,
and what better way to begin the bonding than with a lovely spat?
Hello, Jamali. How are you doing? I'm good.
Hello, Alex. Hi, Mike.
Are you OK with heights? This sort of height? Yes.
Yeah, this sort of height's OK. Yeah.
You have any phobias? Rats.
And foam. Foam?
Yeah, like dry foam.
You know like when you're washing dishes, you know the sponge?
No, sponge. Not foam, like, sponge. So cross out foam?
Yeah, so cross out foam. Write sponge. Like, dry sponge.
And you're fine with flannels? Good with flannels.
Um, can I get the task?
No, you can't. You're not allowed off the box.
Can you pass it to me, then? Not yet. OK.
Hey!
Hey, what's up? Long time. How are you? I'm good, how you been?
Oh! Hello. Oh, hello.
Lee, please open the task. There's the task.
You're not allowed off your box.
Do you have a belt? No, you don't have a belt.
I have my coat.
And then, uh, shoes and laces.
That's going to give us a bit of. Oh, damn. Distance.
I've tied it in this type of knot so you can tie something easier to it.
Nice.
And there's... You don't think there's an easier way?
Hiya. Hey, what's up? Hi. Oh.
Hi. Nice to meet you, I'm Jamali. I'm Charlotte. I'm Sarah.
My shoe don't have no laces no more.
Have an argument. You must take it in terms to angrily make a point
using no more than ten words,
and you must always end your point with a different four-letter word.
You must look at each other throughout the argument and
the person speaking must angrily wag their finger during their speech.
The argument is over when there is ten seconds of silence,
or when one of you looks away.
Longest argument wins.
Your argument must begin three minutes from now.
Is there anything in particular you'd like to argue about?
Because you look so amenable and nice.
Well, let's... I don't know. That's the sort of image I try to project.
You know? Yeah. I mean, underneath it all,
I might be a nasty piece of work. Yes.
But the last word has got to be four letters. Yeah.
I can think of a few of those. Hand.
H-A-N-D. Yeah. OK.
My head is filled with the word duck, and there's no other word.
I keep refreshing it and it's just the word duck keeps coming up.
Who refreshes their mind?! Strange language you use.
It was literally just, "Duck, duck, duck,"
and I was just trying to tell myself just, you know...?
But internally, you were going "refresh." Yeah.
"Duck, refresh, duck." And then it went off again, see what happens.
The same thing kept coming up. So weird.
Absolutely weird.
I enjoyed people making up new tasks with the laces.
And I enjoyed his off-camera smuggery again. Mm-hm.
"They don't know that Charlotte's coming!" There's another person.
And then when he goes like, "Are you sure there's not a better way?"
Yeah, yeah.
I've got feelings. I've got feelings.
Let's have a look. So it's the usual arguing rules.
No more than ten words per argument,
and the last word has to be four letters long.
First up, we're going to see the film and theatre director, Mike Lee.
Nice. Thank you.
I have to tell you, bad tash.
This is precious hair.
It might be, but not good.
Don't you dare insult my look.
I will insult yous.
You're going to get your comeuppance, you fool.
Fool? Me? I'll give you, you twat.
You're jealous...
..you...
..plum. Don't call me that, Mike.
You've got a face like a duck.
What are you...
..on about, pray...
..tell?
Right above your teeth, it's too bare.
Below my belt is also.
Below your belt should look like a bear.
It's what I mean.
You're talking tosh.
I'll show you my cock.
I would like to see your wang.
It is meant to be an argument.
Right! Well, here goes.
You're changing the subject.
Come and put it away, it's heavy, it's huge.
Oh, no. Oh, sorry. OK.
I'm going to have to blow the whistle there. Aw, I'm sorry.
It was a lovely argument, but... But he said subject and I lunged in.
I was shilly-shallying.
Can I say that that is better than some plays that I've seen
at The National Theatre?
It was absolute poetry and I'm intrigued, the thing that
brought it to the end was Lee offering to show you his genitals.
And you visibly wanting that.
The argument ceased and we found common ground and then... yeah.
You offered to expose your penis to Mike,
and then you announced that it was, and I quote, "Huge and heavy."
Did I not say heavy and huge, end with a four-letter word?
Yeah, you said, "Can I put it away, it's heavy and huge?"
It's heavy and huge. Thank you.
I mean, I might be crass, but I know the rules.
The wheels have come off part two
and we've veered into an advertising ditch.
You'll have to wheel-spin in the mud for a few minutes
before part three comes back to pull you from the bog
and save you from the quicksand of consumerism.
You don't need another kitchen gadget!
You don't cook!
Hello, welcome back to the start of part three.
I'm feeling so angry, Alex. Yes, and so am I,
and that's because there are arguments happening.
It's time for the team of three now, Jamali, Charlotte, and Sarah.
The thing is,
right, Jamali,
is that you drive well.
I disagree. I... hate it. Fuck.
You have no idea
how Jamali behaves.
What luck!
Thank you for pointing that out, but I'm angry.
Nice ring.
Don't.
Oh!
That's...
..just...
..not...
..a...
..thing.
I... can't... even.
When... are you...
Sorry! Angry, please.
..Going... to... stop?
Never!
N-E-V...
..will I stop that.
Can't.
Oh, haha!
How are you spelling that? H-A-H-A.
Just... wait.
Till what...
am I going to wait for...
..town?
Give it a rest!
You aren't making any sense, and that's that.
Go to bank.
You're going to end on that word?
You'd better watch out
because... careful.
Where there's a will...
..there's a will.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I think that's more than ten words,
if you count them up.
Why did you say "town" suddenly?
Cos town's like a slang word we use for... you know.
Oh, is that a bad word? Are we allowed to broadcast town?
I mean, you know. It's Channel 4, man, so, you know. Risky.
APPLAUSE
It just seemed to me to be three people
who perhaps have discovered language for the first time.
All it said was,
"Wag your finger, argue, and end on four words under ten..."
It didn't say nothing like, "It has to be on topic".
Yeah. "You have to pick a subject".
No, I just think it's common sense.
We could have done a big list of rules like,
"Don't just say the word town for no reason".
You know language is just a thing that someone made up. You know that?
I did look it up on Urban Dictionary afterwards,
and it seems no one there has heard of it either.
Well, it meant something to us.
I mean, Urban Dictionary doesn't know culture, innit?
People lose it when they have an argument as well.
You don't make sense.
Well, your first argument was, "You drive quite well". Exactly.
Yeah, and drive me around the bend.
Yeah. You need to go to the bank, mate. That's what you need to do.
You've got to go to the bank.
You need to go to the bank and sort yourself out.
Do you want me to tell you some times? I'm ready.
The team of three lasted three minutes and eight seconds,
whereas these guys argued for five minutes, 35 seconds
with no blunders at all.
I want these two absolute arguing legends
to get five full points each.
Whoa. What about the town team?
I'm going to give them two points.
Two points each, OK, but Mike and Lee are the winners of the task.
There you go. What's lined up next?
Just a regular task down at the old haunt.
Hi, Jamali. How are you doing?
May I? Yes, please.
I'll open this, then. OK.
"Make the house haunted".
"Most haunted house wins".
"You have an hour".
"Your time starts now".
Excuse me. Just going to go and have a little rummage.
A rummage? A rummage. OK.
Yeah, any initial thoughts?
Rummaging. Rummaging.
Thank you.
I need a, uh, white sheet and a dead person.
I mean, what's haunted?
You've got sort of, uh, ghost or poltergeist activity,
sort of objects moving.
Poltergeist, I'm thinking. I'm thinking lights on and off.
I guess general sort of spooky stuff happening.
I need, uh, a lot of big string.
Rope? String. But big string?
Big, long string. A lot of big string?
You see the amount of string that you was going to get? Mm-hm.
More string. Times it by two?
Three. Wow.
That's a lot of string. Tell me when you've got the string.
I'll give you a knock. Get the string. OK, bye. All right, mate.
APPLAUSE
Ooh.
So there were lots of classic spooky phrases in there.
White sheet was requested for the classic ghost by Lee, corpse,
and then, of course,
out on the biggest spookiest request of them all:
some big, scary string.
Yeah.
So big. Yeah, yeah. My thing was to buy out all the string,
cos there's nothing more scary than when you need string
and there ain't none.
You'd be like, "I'm Greg Davies, I need some string".
Jamali's bought it all.
All your thoughts start with,
"I'm Greg Davies", and then you have the thought. Always. Good.
OK, she's in a programme called Ghosts, but can she make ghosts?
Let's see. It's Charlotte Ritchie first.
WIND HOWLS
LOUD FAKE CREAKING
RAPID THUDDING
PIERCING SCREAM
Boo!
That's not me.
APPLAUSE
I was quite freaked out, because I thought that was you in the chair.
I did as well. Did you? Yeah. Oh, good. That's good, then.
So I think if you ever go ahead and make your own horror film,
you shouldn't feature,
after the horrific reveal at the end of your film,
you shouldn't pop on and go, "Hello!" Yeah.
It sort of dampens it down a bit, doesn't it? Yeah.
The worst thing was when I realised
that that book hadn't flown out by itself, that she'd used string.
It's scarier than that. She tried to get string.
Went to the shop. Couldn't get it? There wasn't any string left.
What? But why? I'm Greg Davies!
Who's next? Well, do you want to see the big string guy? Do I?
Here he comes. Yeah. It's the one and only Jamali Maddix.
LOUD RATTLE
Ghost?
HE CHUCKLES DARKLY
APPLAUSE
You didn't know how that shit was moving, did you?
Guess what it was? String. Yeah, yeah.
It was just so terrifying, I forgot about the string.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was creeped out already with things flying off the wall,
but when those two cabbages flew off that desk,
that is classic horror.
Let's see another horror film, please.
OK, would you like to see Sarah Kendall
making the house look haunted? More than anything. Here we go.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
BOTH: Hello, Alex.
Come play with us.
Come play with us, Alex.
Forever and ever and ever.
APPLAUSE
Genuinely creepy, Sarah. Thanks.
Classic horror film called The Shining.
The Shining took five years to make and 900 tonnes of salt,
so similar to this show.
Why did it take 900 tonnes of salt?
Because there's a scene where there's snow near the end
and they did it with salt. Wow. Did they? Really? Mm-hm.
Ooh. Ah, Kubrick.
I thought your film was excellent.
Thank you very much, Greg.
It was - spoiler alert - it creeped me out more than two cabbages.
Wow. Thank you, that's the kindest review I've ever had.
Wow. That's fair. You're making big statements for no reason at him.
I'm just so wanged up about the lack of string in the country.
Right, nearly there.
One part left to go,
and then someone wins Mike Wozniak's blood-soaked whittled spoon.
Hey. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
You've made it just in time for the final part of the show.
WHISTLE BLOWS Yes.
That was tight.
Before the break, there was a spooky task taking place
where the contestants were trying
to make the Taskmaster house appear haunted.
Next, it's the ethereal Mike Wozniak.
BELL TOLLS
GROWLING VOICE: Little Alex Horne.
SINISTER VOICE: Little Alex Horne.
Come in.
There's nothing to worry about, little Alex Horne.
I've got some puppies covered in treacle.
Good.
VOICE SIGHS
GROWL
BURP
APPLAUSE Wow.
That was horrifying.
A nice temptation to bring the victims in,
puppies covered in treacle, no? I was trying to take two things
and make them greater than the sum of their parts. Yeah, but...
..put two nice things together, it doesn't necessarily...
..make a big, nice thing. I don't think there is two things, though.
People famously say, "Come and see some puppies."
I don't think they say, "Come and see some treacle!"
Yeah. Mike was determined, by the way, that I would be cut in two,
like he was cut in two, and he called it being hemisected.
Hemisect. It's a word. It's a real word.
Just before we move on,
can we just drill down to the narrative of your story?
So, the whole house is haunted... Right.
Along comes an innocent, lovely Taskmaster assistant.
This guy. He's got a bloodlust. All he wants to do is gobble you up.
Hemisect you. Yeah. And spit you out again.
Why didn't, er, little Alex Horne's... The lovely...
..character, the lovely assistant,
why didn't it spot the already hemisected body outside the thing?
He may well have done, but that was overridden by the...
Lure of the treacle pup... the lure of the treacle-covered puppies.
Who's next?
Finally... it's "Final Lee".
Hello, Lee. Are you easily frightened?
I don't think so. Good. What I'm ab...
Agh! Just checking to see.
You say you're not, but you did flinch a bit there.
Do you know the history of the caravan?
I've always wondered about the history of the caravan.
Many years ago, there was a lady by the name of Amy.
Typical 21-year-old, she liked music, parties...
But most of all, she only wanted her own caravan.
She got her caravan.
This is said caravan.
Four days later...
..she wasn't alive.
She was... not alive.
I'm going to find out now, with the aid of my Ouija board,
exactly what happened that night.
Amy? Are you there, Amy? Amy, are you there?
Give us a sign if you are there.
She's talking to me.
Have you got any questions you'd like to ask Amy?
Are you in heaven, Amy?
Lovely. Alex...
Yes? Can I be honest? OK.
That was me. I thought it was you.
I was pulling that. I did see your hand.
I've let you down. And I wish I hadn't.
And I apologise about this.
I'm no more of a psychic than, than you,
so would you, would you accept my apology?
There's a lot of smoke.
Is that Am... Are you Amy? Who are you talking to?
You can't see? No, it was just, just me.
That was me. I was doing that and pulling the...
I don't like this. It's a nice cupboard.
Can we go now, Lee? Well, where are you going?
To be honest, there's too much smoke to breathe.
But also, there's a dead lady there. I can't see her.
All right. Bye-bye, Lee. It's not real.
What are you doing? It's not me, I've set it up. Bye, Lee.
Think we got away with it.
APPLAUSE
See, that's what you need in a film. You need a twist.
You did look freaked out.
Well, I... I wasn't warned about it.
It would have been a bit odd to warn you about it.
But I think in horror films,
they do warn the actors what's going to happen. Yeah.
Oh, you consider yourself an actor in that?
I very much enjoyed your film.
Shall I hand out some points? Some spooky points.
I thought they were all really good,
so no-one is going to get one spooky point. OK.
No-one's going to get two spooky points.
Is anyone going to get any points? Three spooky points... Oh.
..go to Jamali and Charlotte's films.
In second place, with four points, I'm going to give it to the
Treacle Puppy King and I'm going to give it...
to the jocular Awful Twist film.
Four points to Lee Mack and Mike Wozniak. Right.
But by far the most atmospheric and spooky, five points, Sarah.
Well done, Sarah Kendall. Thanks.
APPLAUSE
Quick look at the scores, please, Alex.
Charlotte is on the bottom with ten, Mike is on the top with 17 again.
APPLAUSE
Runaway Wozniak and his tin of treacle.
OK, everyone,
please head to the stage for the final task of the show.
Hello.
Hello, Greg. Hello, Greg. Hi. Hello. Hiya.
Who's going to read it out, Alex?
I'd like Jamali Maddix to read out the task, please, Greg.
Correctly guess your standing in the group.
The Taskmaster will read out a category.
Then you must hold the number that reflects your standing in the group.
Most correct answer wins.
The way it's going to work is that Greg will read out a category,
for example, oldest contestant.
If that was the category, obviously Lee would put up one,
and then the rest of you would guess your ages in the group as well.
Obviously, yeah? Once you've heard the category,
you must hold up your number within 20 seconds.
And once it's up, you can't change your mind.
You're going to have five categories,
most correct answers wins.
Are you ready to hear the first category? Yes. Yes, please.
Category one.
Most Northerly Birthplace.
Ooh. If you think you're the most northerly, hold up number one.
If you think you're the most southerly, hold up number five.
Which way is Australia?
It is south. It's not called Down Over, is it?
It's really south. OK.
OK. Lee thinks he is the most northerly,
Sarah thinks she's the most southerly.
They're both correct. One point each.
It goes - Lee, Southport, then Mike, Oxford.
Should be holding a number two. Then Jamali, East London.
Should be holding a number three.
Then Charlotte, Clapham South, should be holding number four.
Then Sarah, who is holding number five. Newcastle.
Second category, Greg.
Most pints of milk drunk per month.
We asked all of you before the show to state how many
pints of milk a month you drink.
If you think that you drink the most, hold up number one.
I don't know this about you, Mike,
but gut instinct tells me you guzzle the stuff.
I'm an absolute bloody milk guzzler.
They're all up. Charlotte and Jamali
both think they drink the middle amount of milk.
Mike Wozniak guzzles a lot of milk.
He guzzles 37 pints of milk per month.
What? Are you serious? You, you're having a pint a day?
I have more than a pint a day, I'm sure of it, yeah.
What are you, a calf? Is it fancy in a big bottle?
It's on cereal. A lot of tea and coffee.
OK. And it's also drunk neat. Neat? Neat? Every day? Milk?
So, Mike is correct. Lee is also correct.
He's a vegan, he has zero pints per month.
Ah. So, it goes Mike the most with 37,
Sarah second with eight pints per month.
Ooh. Then it goes Jamali third with five.
He gets the point here.
Charlotte fourth with three, Lee fifth with zero.
The quickest category thus far coming up.
Fewest phone contacts.
Yeah, fewest friends, number one. I'm the oldest.
But do you not, have you not found that over the last ten years
you've started to thin the herd?
Are you suggesting I'm so old, they've started to die off? No...
OK, all the numbers are up. Four, four, three, two, two.
No-one thinks you're the fewest or the most.
The person with the fewest friends is Jamali, with 150.
Sarah, you're correct.
You are the second least popular, with 315 contacts.
Feels about right. Charlotte is third with 1,065.
Mike, fourth, no points,
with 1,144, Lee has the most contacts with 3,065 in his phone.
You don't have...! Yeah, but the problem is,
my phone sort of.. I'm trying to...
I'm very popular.
I'll be honest with you, if someone asks for a selfie,
I ask for their number.
I'm shameless. All right.
Fourth category, please. Category four.
An interesting revelation of personal hygiene.
Most frequent washing of towels per month.
Hmm. After the cleanest person
holding up number one, there you go, Charlotte.
Straight away. We almost had one, two, three four, five.
Yeah. Do you know what's difficult about this,
is the fact that I don't know what's a lot,
because I have a bunch of towels. Yeah. No need to get flash, mate.
We've all got a lot of towels.
I've got a towel for each of my phone contacts.
Charlotte thinks she cleans her towels the most.
12 times per month, almost every third day she's cleaning her towel.
Yeah.
Next cleanest is Jamali. You miss it again, unfortunately, Jamali.
Then Lee, six times per month,
and then we're really getting desperate,
Sarah only washes hers twice a month.
Mike, you do get a point because you only wash them once a month.
Yes. Absolute scum. Absolute scumbag. Filthy, man.
Final category, Greg.
Most eggs in one hand.
Yes, we asked them how many eggs they think
they can hold in one hand. I can also confirm we tested this.
Straight up there, Jamali.
Mm. I think I've got the biggest hands.
Whoa. Two guys think they can hold a lot of eggs.
I think I've got bigger hands than you. Big balls time, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
No-one thinks they can clutch the fewest eggs.
Who do you think hold fewer eggs than you?
You don't have to answer that.
As your attorney, you don't have to answer that.
I'd like to find out, it's part of the game.
You think someone's got smaller hands than you?
I don't know if it's about size. It's absolutely about size.
Cool.
Technique as well. Well, Charlotte has the tiniest hands.
She can only hold seven eggs, so she should've held up the number five.
She should. Sarah can only hold eight eggs.
She should be holding up the number four. Mm.
In third place, it's Mike with 11 eggs.
So which of the men can hold the most eggs?
I don't know why, I think Lee Mack can hold the most eggs.
Well, I'll tell you that Jamali can hold 12 eggs in his hands.
Lee Mack can hold 17 eggs in his hands.
I just knew it.
And Lee is correctly holding number one.
I'm known as the egg holder. And with that, Greg, the task is over.
Come back down and we'll add those points, and we'll decide who's won.
APPLAUSE
Hello, again, Greg. Very good. Hello, there.
That must've had quite some impact on the scores.
So, not only can he hold 17 eggs, he can also guess where
he fits in the standings, cos he got four questions right, Lee.
Wow. So Lee does get the five points.
After that, Mike and Sarah came in second, they got two things
right each, and joint fourth, Charlotte and Jamali got one each.
So, the points go two each to Charlotte and Jamali,
four to Mike and Sarah, but Lee Mack gets five points.
There it is. He knows himself.
And so the final scoreboard, Sarah came in second place with 17,
but Mike won the episode, is also winning the series,
he won it with 21 points.
APPLAUSE
Mike Wozniak wins! Go and gather your victorious vessels!
Thank you. Thank you.
So, what have we learned today?
We've known for some time
that climate change is the gravest threat
that humanity has ever faced, and we also know that cows
are some of the greatest contributors to the global crisis.
And 50% of those cows are feeding Mike Wozniak's milk habit.
So, what we've learned today
is that Mike Wozniak is destroying the planet.
We've also learned that he's won tonight's show,
and now has more vessels to fill with milky goodness.
Mike Wozniak!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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