Ha-ha!
No way!
Er... Gosh!
Where's the hole?
HE MOANS Ah!
HE HONKS Are you having a laugh?
SHE GASPS Oh!Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Hello, welcome.
It's Taskmaster, it's episode eight.
I'm Greg Davies - sweet, sweet eye candy for your mum and your auntie.
Five funny clowns have been battling it out over several episodes now.
Some have proved themselves surprisingly resourceful,
others have made their families worry about
whether they're looking after themselves.
One and one alone will lift a papier-mache trophy
into the air and shout, "This?! I went through all that for this?!"
Let us meet the jesters on the battlefield of the absurd.
They are Ardal O'Hanlon...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Bridget Christie...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Chris Ramsey...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Judi Love...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Sophie Duker.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who cries every time he watches Free Willy
and who frees his willy every time he cries.
HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Greg. Hello, everybody. Nice to be here.
All right? Yes, I've got new shoes. Feeling confident. You like them?
Well, they're better than your usual plastic slip-ons, I suppose.
Yeah. They're very nice. They're quite tall.
Where do you think they end, Greg?
Where do you think they end?
I just... I've made you little windows.
I've just seen those. Yes. Do you think they come up to,
to my shin, Greg? Do you want to open the window?
I thought you'd like this.
Yeah, the, the shoes are still going. Yeah.
Do you want to look at the knee?
Yeah. See if they're still... They can't be still going.
They're still going. OK. Oh, they can't be up the thigh.
Do you want to have a little look, Greg?
Yeah, yeah, you're wearing thigh-high boots, Alex.
Let's get on with the show, shall we?
Yes, here we go, it's Prize Task time and,
this Prize Task time, they've all brought in
the loveliest thing to hold above your head.
AUDIENCE: Ooh. Greg will give five points
for the thing that he thinks is the loveliest to hold
above your head, and then tonight's winner will take home
five things that are lovely to hold above your head. That's it.
Sophie Duker, what have you brought in, please?
I've brought a teeny, tiny trophy.
Here it is.
Er, this is it compared to a mighty trophy.
There we go. It is a teeny, tiny trophy.
Now, that sort of endears me to it a little bit.
Yeah. It's a teeny, tiny trophy that I won
the very first time I did stand-up in a stand-up competition.
And they bulk-bought teeny, tiny trophies.
They gave it to anyone who believed in herself enough
to get up on the stage and do two minutes
of teeny, tiny, trophy-worthy material.
That is quite cute. And that's what I did. Yeah.
And it got an "ah" from the audience.
Yeah. Which is very clever.
LAUGHTER
Chris, something meaningful to hold above your head?
Yes. Now, we all know the best thing to hold above your head
is your hands.
You can wave them in the air like you just don't care.
Yeah? This is worse than teeny, tiny trophy.
I've brought in the un-untuckable shirt.
Here it is, the un-un-tuckable shirt.
Oh!
I was not expecting to get turned on this early in the show.
But that. The shirt... That is horrendous.
The shirt is sewn directly onto your underpants
and it is impossible to untuck.
The self-confidence I would feel would be lovely,
knowing that my big belly's not going to fall out,
followed by my awful genitals.
I feel like you're tucking in too far into the wrong bit.
OK, it might not be lovely, but it is,
it is very practical and does genuinely appeal to me.
Ah, Judi.
I went for a lovely fan.
Yes, Judi's brought in a fan.
There it is.
Yep. I mean the obvious thing to do with that is
to hold it aloft above one's head.
Well, it's when you get... Look, you know how hot you get
cos you're hot, right?
Imagine if, in the most hottest time of your life,
you could just stand there... I'd think, "Ooh, I could do with a fan."
"Over my head." But, oh, I'm holding it above my own head?
Yeah, you know that moment when you walk in and the air con hits you?
You hold that fan too high,
you are going to untuck your shirt, and it's going to be terrible.
WHISPERS: Do you know what would go well with that?
One point.
LAUGHTER
Ardal, only you can, er, help Judi out.
The loveliest thing to hold above your head is a table tennis bat.
You are back in the game.
He has brought that in, and there it is.
It's a table tennis paddle or bat.
Well, it's a, a great way of making friends.
Like, let's say you're at a railway station.
OK. And you hold the table tennis bat above your head,
you will quickly attract followers.
They will think that you're some sort of a tour guide
and they will join in, and you can bring them places,
and you can certainly get to the front of the queue at,
at a museum.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, Ardal.
Bridget. Oh! I have brought in a handmade,
lace parasol that was made by a neighbour for her child.
When her child was young, she accidentally,
they went to the beach and it burnt a bit.
It? The, the child.
It? She hadn't put the... Shush!
..sunblock and stuff on, so she made a parasol
for the child when it was younger,
and then, when I had my children, she said,
"Would you like this for yours?"
Here is the vintage parasol. Beautiful.
Oh. Ooh. Lovely.
Ooh, it is nice. It's lovely, isn't it?
You could spin that behind you as well.
Yeah, but when you're walking round with that parasol above your head,
like, do hundreds of tourists follow you?
So, it's pretty straightforward, as far as I'm concerned.
Ardal can thank me for one point for his bat.
One. Two points for a fan that helps no-one
is the most generous thing I've ever done.
Er, just because it doesn't really go fully above your head,
but I do so admire and want it, I'll give three points to
the pant/shirt combination.
Mr Chris Ramsey. And then there will be a jump up
because of the emotional content...
they've got to take five points each.
OK, so it's five points to Sophie and Bridget.
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'd like the first task, please.
Certainly, and we're going global with this one,
because it's time to find out who's the best E test.
In you pop, Ardal.
Yes, thank you.
Hello? Hello.
Oh, no!
Swedish.
Learn Swedish. Oh, shitting hell!
"You'll have a five-minute conversation with a Swedish person
"in 15 minutes from now."
"The phrase book and tablet must remain in the caravan."
Best demonstration of the Swedish language wins.
Your time starts when you first said "Swedish."
What? So it already started?
Yeah.
Pretty straightforward. Mm-hm.
Learn a language. Yes. How long did they have?
15 minutes, but it is a category-one language, Swedish.
It's as easy as French or Spanish to English speakers.
Oh, thank you. Well, move over, Punch and Judy and make way for
Judi and Chris. Here we go.
Tack's got to be thank you.
Ooh!
TABLET: Tack. Tank. Tank.
Tank.
Adjo, goodbye. TABLET PINGS
Boom!
TABLET: Nej. Nej.
Nej. Nej.
Nej.Nej. TABLET PINGS
Five out of six.
If he says them words, I'm laughing me head off.
Ar? Ar.
Ar, ar, ar.
Oh, oh, yeah, ar. Eh?
Sorry? WHISTLE BLOWS
Please come and talk to a Swedish person. Oh, man.
Judi, we have to go and talk to a Swedish person now.
OK.
Oh! I was wondering how he wouldn't be here.
OK. I'm good with iPads.
OK, Judi, your five minutes starts now.
Heja.
Hey.
Er...
Hej.
I've, I've forgot it all.
Ven samale England.
Mm...
Hungrig? Erm...
Oh, er...
Lite trott.
Yeah, lite trott.
HE SNORES
Hej, Judi.
Is he still there?
Yes, he's still there, Chris.
God, er...
Mar, mor, morgon.
God morgon?
Football!
Don't like it.
Hej da.
Super.
You too-per super.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Hungrig. Oh, OK.
Hungrig. Tack.
Hej, hej, ba-gej-hej. Wey-hey.
HE LAUGHS
So embarrassing!
APPLAUSE
You lost, you lost confidence for a few key phrases, I thought.
Well, look, you know, he ended up saying "super" to me.
Yeah, and you replied, "You too-per super."
Are we 100% sure that Chris established that he was hungry?
I did ask him a couple of times.
He was, he dodged the question, actually, which I thought was bad
on his part. I thought "good moron" was a terrible mistake but, in fact,
it was correct.
It was correct. That's what I'm saying.
I mean, I...I've got to say,
I didn't think it was a total disaster.
OK. Exactly. I mean, it was no holding a ping-pong bat
above the head, was it?
Er, let's go, who's next?
OK, yes, by genuinely popular demand, Fred's back,
and next to speed-learn Swedish are Ardal and Sophie.
Ja leder efter stromming.
TABLET: Thank you. Tack.
Tack. Great. Tack.
Tack, tack. Tack.
I want to be cool. Laget.
Hej, laget. What's up?
Jag ar hungrig.
Her-mer-du.
WHISTLE BLOWS
That's you time up, Sophie. That's, yes.
Please follow me, Ardal. OK.
How's your Swedish now? It's really great.
Ardal, you've got five minutes, your time starts now.
OK.
Hej!
Valkommen...
..till Taskmaster.
Vad heter du?
Jag heter Fred.
Hej, Fred. Jag, jag heter Sven.
Jag ar gravid.
Cool, cool.
Fred, Fred, Fred. Fred, jag ar hungrig.
OK.
Jag, jag leter efter stromming.
Stromming?
Stromming. Ar du stromming?
Ar du stromming?
Nej stromming?
Oh...
Ah...
Vil du ha...
SHE BLOWS AIR
Hmm?
..erm, McDonald's?
OK.
Fred. Fred, Fred, Fred...
IN SWEDISH:
FRED LAUGHS
WHISTLE BLOWS
Adjo.
Thank you, Sophie.
APPLAUSE
Erm, the song. Yeah. I mean, where the hell did that come from?
I was in Sweden once, and I was outside a railway station
with a table tennis bat...
LAUGHTER
..and...
APPLAUSE
I, er, met some people who worked in the Volvo factory,
and we ended up going out to a pub and,
er, by the end of the night, we were singing Swedish drinking songs.
So...
LAUGHTER
..as it turned out, I could speak Swedish all along.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Let's not overshadow Sophie's superb attempt.
I think you may've gone in quite hard by announcing
you were pregnant.
Yeah, I think he was really, er,
reluctant to take accountability for that.
And, at the back of the phrase book,
it was useful things to say if you find yourself in Sweden.
Yeah, "I'm pregnant." Yes.
But your pronunciation was, erm, pretty good.
I just think you, you formed a bad relationship with him.
Well, he wasn't forming good relationships with anyone.
JUDI: He was stuck up, man.
He kept trying to tell me about football,
wouldn't tell us if he was hungry or not. He was a horrible man.
That's what I'm saying.
Er, guess what? It's break time.
You know the drill - you make yourselves a cuppa,
I'll put Alex in a chokehold and we'll meet back here shortly.
See you in a bit.
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're in the middle of a language-learning task.
Yes, we are, and Swedish Fred is back.
CHEERING
Our competitors have been trying to cram before performing
the best demonstration of the Swedish language
via a conversation with him.
Finally, it's everyone's favourite period drama comedian,
it's Bridgerton Christie.
Hang on a sec. You OK, Bridget?
Yeah, I'm just ringing my brother.
Are you now?
Hey, Jim. All right?
I'm sorry to ring you out of the blue.
I've got to talk to a Swedish person.
Would you help me?
Absolutely. Thanks. I'm in Sweden now, so no problem.
What shall I say? Er...
Has there been any things happening there?
You can just say...
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
Wha he de sen ahon na mi nenen.
JIM REPEATS SWEDISH SLOWLY
FRED SPEAKS SWEDISH
Oh! What was that then, Jim?
Well, you asked him, "What's happening with the Prime Minister?"
Er, because he's got a lack of confidence vote against him today.
Oh! Erm...
So it's a very, very topical question you put there, Bridge.
Well done. What do you think I should ask next?
JIM SPEAKS SWEDISH
Is that a question or is it a statement?
It's a question, yeah. Oh.
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
He said... That's definitely the question to ask.
He said, "I've got no idea."
Shall we make it a bit lighter?
You could say...
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
He said, "Thanks very much and the same to you."
Tack. Adjo.
Adjo. Tack.
Oh, bye-bye. Jimmy, thank you so much.
APPLAUSE
Do you think it's fair?
Let's get this debate out of the way with.
The actual wording is "Best demonstration of the Swedish
"language wins."
And I guess she did demonstrate the Swedish language.
It just wasn't from HER mouth.
I thought it was quite a clever thing to do,
bringing your brother in.
Well, it's quite clever to have a brother who lives in Sweden
and has lived there. And he's never available.
Shall we deal with the lower-ranking numbers?
Yes, I think that's a good idea.
Right.
Hi, guys.
Are you hungry?
Cos I've got a delicious point for you. One point to Chris.
Yes. Now, the second between...
Hi, guys.
LAUGHTER
It's, it's much easier this way, isn't it, Greg?
This is much easier than I thought.
Here's your delicious two points.
Thank you. Hungrig. Hungrig.
I actually thought that Sophie was, had a great deal of potential
until she got bogged down into a pregnancy narrative.
Right, so three to Sophie. Three points.
So it's between the folk singer.
Erm, Ardal takes it.
OK. Yeah.
So, four to Bridget and five to Ardal O'Hanlon.
Can I have the series scores?
Yeah, OK. Well, it's interesting.
Judi's at the bottom with 106,
Ardal's gone up a bit to 112, and then it gets tight.
Chris is now in third place on 120,
Bridget 121, Sophie 127.
Ooh! Six points between the top two.
And in this episode, Judi on four, Chris on four but, at the top,
it's Bridget with nine points.
APPLAUSE
And what have you got for me now, my hairy chum?
Hello, it's your absolute favourite, it's a really disgusting task.
Mm!
La-la-la-la-la-la-lab!
Back in the lab. Here we are.
Aye-aye-aye, aye,-aye-aye.
I like this. Yeah, well, they match your outfit.
Yeah.
Do you like everything?
Well, I, I don't know what that is yet.
"Stick your tongue out as far as it will go
"and keep it out until further notice."
Thank you. OK, I'm going to read you the next bit of the task.
Oh. Please, can your tongue stay out?
Right. So, it's got to stay like that now, Chris. Mm-hm.
I've got an abnormally short tongue.
Is that really as far as it goes?
Mm! You're discriminating against me.
I'm not, I'm just commenting on it. No, you are.
Whoa. A big one.
Ahh.
Every time Alex blows his whistle,
you must lick the lemon, then the sherbet,
then the ice lolly. Uh-huh.
Every time Alex honks his horn,
you must hold your tongue in front of the fan
for five seconds.
The tongue that sticks out for the longest time wins.
HE GROANS
Do you understand the task?
SHE HUM-SPEAKS
Uh-huh.
APPLAUSE
Awful.
Is that really how big your tongue is?
Oh!
No such problem with Sophie. Yours is, er, impressive.
Yeah? Yep.
Basically, I'm saying one person's got a tiny tongue,
one person's got a massive one.
Yeah. Let's, let's... We're all different.
Let's get on with the task. Yes. Although, before we do,
I do have to apologise for this task.
If you don't like human spittle...
Oh, God.
Genuinely, it might be worth looking away occasionally.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Don't you dare look away.
Good luck, everyone.
Also, sorry to our first two, Ardal and Judi.
Here you go.
The time starts now.
Mm!
How long do you think the average tongue is, Judi?
Sherbet now, please.
Three inches.
Tongue out, please.
HE GROANS
Then we're going to dry the tongue out with the fan.
Yeah, back to the lemon.
Keep it out, please.
OK, good start.
HE GROANS
SHE HUM–SPEAKS
Pardon? It's disgusting?
How long? Well, so far, you've done four and half minutes.
It's longest time wins.
SHE HUM-SWEARS
HE CHOKES
It's in, it's in!
Fuck this.
Well done, Judi.
Sorry for any mess that I may have left.
Ah, it's only a little, little pool at the bottom.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Incredible. Was this both of your, your favourite task?
Erm... I didn't mind it actually.
I mean, sherbet, lovely. Lemon, lovely. Lollies, lovely.
Yep. I mean, I, I'm just proud of myself that I could still
communicate with my tongue out.
Yes. Oh, the standard was wonderful.
Do you want to hear the nasal communication now? Please, could we?
It was better than her Swedish. Yeah.
Here we go.
HUMS: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, it's crystal-clear, isn't it? Crystal-clear.
APPLAUSE
OK. Unfortunately, you do have to see more.
It doesn't get any better, so here we go.
This time, it's sorry to Bridget and Chris.
It's got to stay out. Please, don't cover your tongue.
Just one lemon. Was that licking? Mm-hm.
Was that licking? Mm-hm.
That was licking.
When I blow the whistle, please.
How's it feeling?
Whenever you want, Bridget.
SHE MUMBLES
Mm, mm, mm. Mm-hm?
Oh! Ah, now, I think it went in.
Mm. It did go in, didn't it?
I am going to stop the clock.
Are you going to keep it in or keep it out?
Oh!
WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER
HE SPLUTTERS
HE SMIRKS
Nah, I'm done. I'm done.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
HE GROANS
How do you feel?
Oh, just...ashamed mainly.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, your attempt, Bridget, put me in mind
of the film Turner And Hooch. LAUGHTER
I'm...that's what I was going for, yeah.
Chris, I just wanted to acknowledge your technique,
which was the hummingbird dab. Yes.
He wasn't taking luxurious licks of lemons.
He dabbed, he moved on.
LAUGHTER
It did escalate severely after about five minutes,
but, yeah, the start put him in good stead,
and he is, at this stage, the leader.
I'm not surprised. Yeah.
Because there...and there wasn't much flob until later on,
but when it came, woohoo! LAUGHTER
He looked like he was icing a cake with it.
LAUGHTER
Don't try this at home.
Or at work. Don't try this. LAUGHTER
Don't. No, none of us ever want to see this again,
but I want to have a look at Sophie's, obviously.
Mm. But first, we need a break.
You've just got time to go and have an energy drink
with the weird guys down the park
and think about the impending collapse of society.
Bye.
APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're about to be taken off air. Yes.
THEY LAUGH
It's just a fascinating task about the human tongue.
There have been four attempts so far,
and in the break, I gave each of them
the number for the Salivation Army.
GROANING Oh, God.
There's one almighty tongue left.
Step forward, and further apologies to Sophie Duker.
Oh, God.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah-ha-ha.
How's that? Eh.
HONK!
Oh, dear.
Oh, that's awful.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Eh-heh! Yeah, no, me, too.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Eeeeeerrrr!
WHISTLE BLOWS We've reached the ten-minute mark.
SHE SIGHS Is the tongue tired yet?
Uh-huh.
Do you know how many muscles you've got in your tongue?
Seven? WHISTLE BLOWS
It's eight.
LAUGHTER
You can stop at any time. Eh-he. No?
It's quarter of an hour now.
Which is the worst one?
LAUGHTER
I'm not making you do this.
It's streaming out now.
HONK! Let's dry that up, shall we?
Thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-hah! You're going to be sick?
No, I'm covered in spit.
LAUGHTER You're covered in spit.Uh-huh.
Yes. Yes, you are.
Not going to be much lolly left soon.
GROANING
LAUGHTER
I think you may have...may have finished.
Do you think you've finished? Mm-hm.
Yeah. Mm-hm-hm?
26 minutes.
How do you feel now?
I don't think I know who I am
if I'm not licking those things any more.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Incredible work. Do you think?
I mean, it actually made me physically gip.
LAUGHTER
Do you think Fredrik from Sweden's going to call me back now?
LAUGHTER
No. I mean, she only really stopped cos she finished the goods.
LAUGHTER The lolly...
The goods were in a pile on the floor
above a lake of flob. Yeah.
It's one of the most impressive, useless talents I've ever seen.
Thank you so much. Well, look, the points go according to the times.
It's very simple. Judi, you showed grit
but you only get one point for your five minutes.
Ardal, six minutes 40, two points. Bridget, 12 minutes, three points.
Chris, 14 and a half minutes, four points.
But with 26 minutes 20, five points to Sophie Duker.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please can we see anything else?
Course we can,
and as that door closes, another one opens.
"Walk through this doorway wearing the longest shoes
"and the biggest hat."
This door?
Yes.
It's not a very big door.
"You must open the door and walk through this doorway,
"wearing your long shoes and big hat within the next 20 minutes."
"Bonus point for the most stylish."
I mean, how am I supposed to know what he considers stylish?
That's...that's annoying.
Your time starts now.
Well, I'm just going to go and find a hat and some shoes.
Oh, OK.
Where, where will I find a big hat and large shoes?
I don't know.
OK. You're no help.
Right, I don't think there's anything in here.
I think it's quite stylish to be in mourning. It really is.
It really is.
My sister went to Saint Martin's, uh, fashion school.
She...I think she'd be really pleased with that.
I need loads of shoes... Right. ..and loads of hats,
and I want to tape them all together... Mm.
..and then wear it and just pop a little flower in there
and stuff like that. All right, I'll gather some hats and shoes.
Yes, please. Where can I meet you?
I'll be relaxing, sitting down.
ARDAL: I just need a bit of help getting into my new shoes.
Ah.
I take a lot of pride in the things that I make.
Think it through.
Quite long, Ardal. Yeah, they are long.
Actually, could you push that in a bit?
I can't get it out of my hair, though.
I might need a colander or something on top of this.
God, you took a bit of a while, didn't you?
I done my best. I've got a bag of shoes. OK.
Can I hang them on the door?
Can you hang what on the door? The shoes.
What do you mean?
I don't know. LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But, you know, there were some familiar things
for someone who's been watching the whole series.
Judi, incredibly lazy, getting you to do all the work.
Always. Sophie's obsession with death.
Bridget working away, baffling herself at one point
with her own question. LAUGHTER
And Ardal just silently working away.
But I'm a bit confused. Yes.
Where was Chris? It's a good question, Greg.
Well, it's an easy task, isn't it?
Make a big hat and craft some long shoes.
It's an arts-and-crafts task with endless possibilities.
LAUGHTER And yet, here is Chris Ramsey.
Oh, this is a horrible caravan.
There's a hat, but it's a regular size hat.
I'm not having that. Right, I can go places, can't I?
You've had two minutes.
I can look other places. OK, I get it.
Shed seems to be the first natural point of call.
Yeah, if you want a hat.
Is that a clue?
Why's there no hats or shoes?
Ah, OK, here we go.
What was I doing?
Oh, God, how many hats does one caravan need?
I don't understand.
All I've found is normal-size hats,
and I can easily go through it with them,
but I haven't got long shoes - I'm only a nine. Nine's all right.
LAUGHTER I don't understand what's happening.
Oh, for God's sake.
CLATTERING
There's no fucking shoes! LAUGHTER
What size shoe are you, Alex? I'm a ten.
That's longer than mine. Can I have your shoes, please?
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You can walk away now, Chris.
Thank God.
Good day.
APPLAUSE
I think there's a degree of style in the cowboy hat.
LAUGHTER
"There's no fucking shoes."
"I don't understand what's happening," times five.
LAUGHTER
So, you literally thought the task was find a big hat? Yeah.
Yeah. And big shoes. Yeah.
Do you want to see some people who actually did make long shoes
and big hats? Yes, please.
OK, well here is Judi with Ardal O'Hanlon.
HE GRUNTS
LAUGHTER
Are they the right size? Yeah, yeah, they're a good...
..they're actually a good fit.
Ah!
LAUGHTER
Do you mind shutting the door behind you?
Task complete. Task complete? Yeah. Wah-hey!
Thanks, Ardal. Lovely shoes-and-hat combination. OK.
LAUGHTER
Oh, hi, Judi. Hi.
You look nice. Thank you.
Are you worried about this wind?
Not really because it's classy.
Oh, course, yeah.
Thanks, Judi.
I bet no-one ain't designed nothing like this.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's talk about the style, cos I think that...
..that Ardal really nailed a certain style,
a period in time,
lost now,
where I think you went for a broader approach to fashion.
I went for a kind of Vivienne Westwood kind of look, you know.
All fashion. You looked like you'd been kicked through a charity shop.
LAUGHTER
Eclectic. Eclectic individuality. An eclectic style.
It's individual because it's...everybody's style.
Exactly. LAUGHTER
And again, what I do with my task is bring harmony.
LAUGHTER
Truly the work of a madwoman. LAUGHTER
It's the final ad break of the show,
and soon someone will take home some worthless tat
and a lingering hollow feeling.
Hurry back.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Hello!
Here we are, back and ready for the last part of the show.
Before the break, the comics were trying to get through
a tiny door with the longest shoes and the biggest hat.
There is also a bonus point for the most stylish
shoe-and-hat combination. GREG GASPS
Finally, it's Bridget and Sophie.
LAUGHTER
Ah.
I can't really see.
Ooh, they are long.
Oh, madam.
Uuuuuuuuh!
LAUGHTER
SHE GROANS
LAUGHTER
IMITATES AN OLD WOMAN Oh, God.
Oh.
LAUGHTER Whoa!
Ah.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow. What style. What grace.
Um, that's the most normal I've seen you walk all series.
LAUGHTER
An intriguing character that you conjured up.
Uh... Yeah. ..quite a small hat, but man those were big feet.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
The shoes were long with grief.
OK, well, look, here they all are.
I think you can see the relative sizes fairly easy.
JUDI: Oh, look at mine. Look at mine.
If I have to score it visually, then I...
I think it's the only way. OK.
So, whose is the smallest of the shoe-hat combos?
Well, Chris.Good, right. LAUGHTER
One point to Chris. Fine. Yeah.
And then, honestly, we've got to say Judi, yeah.
Two points to you, Judi. Yeah.
Whilst the, the shoe length is impressive,
the hat length has been consumed by grief, so Sophie would be next.
Right, Sophie gets three points.
And there's more length to Bridget Christie.
Well, that is true factually, yes.
Well, that's what I'm going to call it then.
It's five to Bridget, four to Ardal, three to Sophie, two to Judi
and one to Chris at this stage. APPLAUSE
Right, style.
Style point.
I'm thinking Ardal's gone for quite a classic style,
and the stance is... LAUGHTER
..it's very Milan. LAUGHTER
So I...I think that simplicity must win the day,
and Ardal O'Hanlon takes it.
OK, there we go. So, it's one bonus point to Ardal O'Hanlon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a quick look at the scores.
OK. Well, I'm afraid, Judi, you are in last place again.
At the top, this time, we have Bridget Christie with 17 points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Right, up to the stage you go for the final task of the show.
CHEERING
Who's going to read the task out?
Ardal O'Hanlon's going to read it out. Table tennis' own.
LAUGHTER
Write down five things that fit the category given by the Taskmaster.
Your team will receive a point,
if both players write down the same thing.
Right. If someone from the other team writes the same word as you,
that word must be wiped from the boards
and the team with the most points wins.
You have 30 seconds to write your things
and must be silent and still throughout.
Chris and Ardal, and two of the team of three,
please, take your place on the circles.
What's the first category, Greg?
Things with four legs that are bigger than a rat.
OK, you have 30 seconds to write five things, starting...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Things with four legs that are bigger than a rat.
Nice and big with your writing, please.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Please, stop writing.
LAUGHTER
OK, so, Ardal, first of all, your five words.
Five entirely correct answers.
Right, Chris, did you have dog, zebra, donkey, giraffe, elephant?
Show and tell. So, I had dog. Lovely.
Elephant and donkey.
CHEERING
Pretty good.
Right, so, so far, three.
So far, three, but if anyone on the other team has the same as them,
they have to be wiped from the board. Oh. OK.
Are you all right, Judi? Judi looks nervous.
And, if you don't mind me saying, with good reason.
LAUGHTER
OK, Sophie, please, show and tell.
I had donkey, dog, cat, Labrador...
LAUGHTER
..and nice table.
LAUGHTER
Well, unfortunately, that means the donkeys
and the dogs need to be wiped off, as does the cat, Chris.
So, just to recap, at the moment,
the boys still have one point with the elephant.
We're hoping that Judi's written either Labrador or nice table
for Sophie's sake.
Judi, please, show us and tell us what you've written.
Frog...
LAUGHTER
..rabbit, dog, cat...
..bird.
LAUGHTER
I guess, they could be classed as legs.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's special birds in Jamaica.
Oh, the...the four-legged Jamaican bird. Yes. Yeah.
If I'm honest with you, I'm...I'm back with frog still.
LAUGHTER
They're so much bigger than a rat, a frog.
The Jamaican frogs are. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
She's right, you can get big arse frogs but it's academic.
Wipe everything off. The boys have one point, so far.
APPLAUSE
Are you ready? Category 2 - purple things.
Yes, it's purple things. You have 30 seconds.
30 seconds...
WHISTLE BLOWS
..go!
Yeah, it's not a bad selection from my view.
Purple things. Just think of all the purple things you know.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Wow. Lovely stuff. OK, hello, Ardal, again.
Please, tell me your five purple things. OK.
Aubergine... Yes.
..followed by plum. Yep.
Knob...
LAUGHTER
..damson and one of the Tweenies.
Right.
LAUGHTER
The big five are there.
Yeah.
Chris, please, show and tell us your five.
Ah, I got all the same ones.
LAUGHTER
No points yet.
Girls.
I wrote, blueberry.
Cos they're purple.
LAUGHTER
Blueberries are purple.
They're not blue.
They are. It's in the name.
LAUGHTER
Lavender.
Purple. Greg's face, sometimes.
LAUGHTER
Absolutely accurate.
Ribena, Parma Violets.
They're definitely purple.
Please, wipe Ribena from your boards.
Bridget, what have you got?
Aubergine, rain...
Rain!
APPLAUSE
Wow, wow.
That is lovely.
..veins, plum and grape.
Oh, they're in sync but with the wrong teams.
I'm afraid, again, it's zero points
and it stays 1-0 to the boys with one round to go,
but you might as well clap them anyway.
APPLAUSE
OK, it's the final round. Let's hear the final category.
Things that are nice to put in your mouth.
30 seconds starting...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Lovely selection of things that I can see.
WHISTLE BLOWS Stop.
Well, I think we're in for a treat here, Greg.
LAUGHTER Oh, we certainly are.
Hello, Ardal. Hi, again. What are your five things
that are nice to put in your mouth?
Uh, yes, I started with thumb. Yeah.
Ice lolly. Mm, lovely.
Blanket.
Cigar. Hm.
And flute.
You pop it in, don't you? Pop in the flute.
Pop that... LAUGHTER
A blanket?
LAUGHTER
Well, they might not be funny.
Let's find out if Chris is in tune with his team-mate.
Chris, what are your five things?
Lolly pop. Ooh.
And, uh, thumb. Huh! Thumb, OK.
So the boys... Thumb! ..the boys, at the moment, have two points.
Two, lolly and thumb.
Three altogether at this stage,
but Judi has written some things. Judi, what have you written?
I've put body parts...
LAUGHTER
..food, air... LAUGHTER
..fingers and toes.
LAUGHTER
I think we're looking at five points here.
Yeah, and the thing is, obviously, I know fingers and toes,
but body parts is separate to fingers and toes. Is it?
Yeah. How so?
Cos it's at the side and at the bottom.
Body parts is in the middle.
LAUGHTER
Your fingers are at the side.
They need to get three of these to draw, four to win.
Bridget, what have you got?
Custard,
fingers... Ooh. Hey! Yes.
..fish fingers,
uh, sweets.
And then I rubbed the last one out cos I...I...I...
Penis? Yeah, it was that. It was penis.
Yeah, I would say Judi also wiped out penis. What?
Yeah, they both had penis. Yeah, I wrote penis as well.
So did I!I know. I was... LAUGHTER
..I was gagging to put it back. LAUGHTER
There will be no points for imagined words.
The game is done, we'll add it all up,
we'll see how it's affected the final scores.
Please come and join me. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
All right? Yeah. They were in sync sort of.
Elephant, thumb, lolly, and fingers over there,
so the score was 3-1.
I guess the boys win the task, so they get five points. Yes.
How many points do you want the ladies...?
Three on this occasion. OK.
So, it's three points to the girls, five to the boys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And that has affected the scores, you won't be surprised to hear.
They've gone up. LAUGHTER
Uh, Judi last place with ten points.
With twice as many points at the top,
it's Bridget Christie with 20 points!
What?
Bridget Christie wins!
How did that happen? Please head up for your holdable haul.
Ooh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt it's not about the size of the tongue,
it's about the quality of the flob.
It's not about the size of the hat,
it's about understanding that you have to make a hat.
It's not about the museum tour,
it's about avoiding the man with the table tennis bat above his head.
And finally, birds do not have four legs.
LAUGHTER
We have to go now, but tonight's winner
is the wonderful Bridget Christie!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Subtitles by Red Bee Media