This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome!
I'm Greg Davies, and welcome to Taskmaster.
We are the Olympic level testers of professional jesters.
We're the World Cup for those who do stand-up.
We're the summit of Everest for folks whose mouths never rest.
We're the final of Wimbledons...
..for the trying-to-be-funny-ones.
LAUGHTER
We're the Henley regatta for those making "laughta".
The US Open golf tournament for people working in merriment.
We're the World Championships of sumo
for individuals committed to making you go "ho-ho".
LAUGHTER
You take my point.
Please welcome Julian Clary... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man whose hair has gone so grey during the time
we've been making this show that his wife told me - in confidence -
that she no longer desires him
and, in fact, wonders if she ever really did.
LAUGHTER It's... Wow.
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right, chat time.
Er, I'm not going to have a chat tonight, actually.
OK. I just - I have prepared something, but I've, er,
it's on a QR code, so just scan that.
LAUGHTER
Is that a real QR code? Yeah.
It does lead to something? Something really good.
What's the prize task category for today's episode please, Alex?
Well, listen up, guys, and listen up good,
because it's the greatest thing that makes quite
a loud noise when you shake it.
There are five points for the greatest thing that makes quite
a loud noise when shaken, and the winner of the episode will win
the lot, which will be the first time in television history
that these very specific prizes have ever been won, Greg.
Hello, Susan.
What is the thing that you've brought in that makes quite
a loud noise when you shake it?
It is a water bed!
LAUGHTER
When I was a child, me and my siblings would bring all
our mattresses into the front room,
and we'd all, like, have a little sleepover.
For Christmas one year, my mum got a water bed, and then,
we started playing with it,
and it made a really shaky sound.
Sorry, I got distracted cos I thought I could hear
a bird in the studio.
"One point."
Do you want to hear the quite loud noise when you shake it?
Yeah, this might save it. Yeah! Yeah.
WATER SLOSHING RHYTHMICALLY
All right, Susan, thanks.
Thanks for opening the batting. LAUGHTER
Sue? The magnificent thing that I've brought that makes quite
a loud noise when you shake it is my great great great-aunt Margaret's
glass swan collection.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
These actually have a history,
in that she was a survivor of the Titanic,
and those swans were also saved in a lifeboat that she got into,
and they were passed down the generations.
And it does make quite a loud noise when you shake it.
OK, here go the swans.
BROKEN GLASS SHAKES
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
That's what someone's going to win.
She didn't really survive the Titanic, did she?
I mean, she was - towards the end of her life,
she was a fantasist, so we don't know. It's... OK.
LAUGHTER
Lucy.
Do you know what a cream horn is?
Hmm. LAUGHTER
Here's Lucy's cream horn.
Oh, you've got cream attached to it.
Yeah, when you shake the cream, the noise comes out the horn.
HORN BLARES
My God, this is a new low.
Can I just have some points, please? Yeah.
And I'll tell you now, you're doing the best so far.
And that's incredible, bearing in mind you stuck
an air horn onto a can of cream.
LAUGHTER
Sam. I've got a bucket...
...li-lined with sandpaper... OK.
...full to the brim of matches
and fire alarms.
LAUGHTER
I mean, that is full to the brim.
This is going to be a hell of a noise, right? Here we go.
SANDPAPER RUBBING RHYTHMICALLY
FLAMES ERUPT
FIRE ALARMS BLARES
ALARMS STOP
LAUGHTER
"The worst round...
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
"..in Taskmaster history."
Hey, listen my grandad gave me this, and he was in the Hindenburg!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Julian, it's all for the taking.
Ah, yes.
Ahem, this is a drawer full of cutlery.
HE SIGHS DISAPPOINTEDLY
Looks like someone's back in the game.
I mean, just generally from my home, and, er, the cutlery is from
the Isle of Wight ferry.
OK, here's the drawer full of cutlery from the Isle of Wight...
From the Isle of Wight ferry. Yeah. There we go.
CUTLERY SHAKES RHYTHMICALLY
It's the worst ever...
It's the worst round in 16 series.
LAUGHTER It's incredible.
So, who's getting the solitary point, Greg?
Well, Susan, of course she is.
Next up... Yeah.
...I don't care if they were from the Isle of Wight.
2 points to Julian.
At least something got destroyed with Sue's. 3 points.
I'm going to give Lucy 4 points for her cream horn. Lovely.
And Sam Campbell takes home the big 5. Really?!
Well done, Sam Campbell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, what have you got for me. Alex?
Mm-hm, well, now on Channel 4, it's Robot Wars.
ELECTRONIC DOG BARKING
ELECTRONIC BARKING CONTINUES
This is the most impressed I've been.
BARKING CONTINUES
I've got knee pads on.
Thank the lord. Promising. Yeah.
It's fallen over, that dog. Yeah, if you want to right the dog,
that'd be great, thank you.
There you go. Thank you, Sue.
What even is that? That's a weasel.
Busy little shit, isn't it?
Whoa!
Is this part of it?
Don't worry about the dog. He's happy.
LAUGHTER
"Avoid the rubbish robots.
"You may not remove your blindfold at any point.
"And at least one of your knees must be touching the floor throughout.
"Longest time untouched by a rubbish robot wins.
"Your time s...
"Your... time starts when the rubbish robots start."
These are the rubbish robots.
The rest are just animals.
Oh, so they're not my enemies?
No, they're your friends.
Are you going to ask me to kneel down in a masterful voice?
Kneel, Julian.
Right, is that your starting position? It is.
Times I've been asked that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Well... quite formal to be asked.
"Is that your starting position? Then I'll begin."
Sam hated everything about this task, correct?
Yeah, I, er, yeah, I've loved some of the others,
but this one I thought was a dud.
LAUGHTER
How do you feel?
Well, I think we're all looking forward to watching it now.
First one, he came with hope - will he leave with glory?
It's Julian Clary.
All right, Julian here we go.
Ah - oh, it just hit your back foot.
That's the end of the task.
Is that it? Is it over now? It's over.
Oh, well, I... Did you enjoy it?
It didn't last long, did it? That sometimes happens.
Thanks, Julian. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sam was quite right. It's not one of your best.
LAUGHTER
That was, for me, two-and-a-half seconds of gold.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Who's next? OK, will they be jammy dodgers?
It's Lucy and Susan to the rescue.
I'm quite close to them here.
Right.
That's where you're going to go, is it?
OK.
OK, well, your time starts when the robots start.
Here we go. All right.
I don't know what's going on!
I don't like it.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
SHE SCREECHES
Can I feel? You want to avoid the robots.
Ahh!
AUDIENCE OOHS
I trained at RADA.
SHE SCREECHES
Ah!
Wahh!
Ah!
This is the future, this is what it'll be like, isn't it?
Everyone trying to hide from robots.
The whole point of, like, blindfold play is that you keep...
Ooh. What?!
You've just been struck by a rubbish robot. Have I?
I didn't - no, they didn't strike me, look!
I saw it hit you.
It didn't hit me!
Look, that's nowhere near me, mate.
It struck your left... It didn't!
Do they know I'm here?
Oh, yeah.
Ah. Did you just get grazed on your...?
Oh, yeah, and again. I think, yeah, I think that one...
Yeah, I'm going to stop the clock there.
Does that mean it's over now? Are you saying it didn't -
well, carry on if you say it didn't hit you.
I don't think it hit me. I didn't feel it.
Who's controlling the rubbish robot?
God. SUSAN LAUGHS
Now. Now it hit me, I felt that.
OK, well, I've stopped the clock, then.
Shall I go now? Yeah, and watch out for the robots.
Oh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you think this is what the future's going to be like?
Yeah. That is sort of like what my day-to-day life is like.
LAUGHTER That's my favourite task.
To be fair, there were some genuine moments of jeopardy there.
Her tactic was, "I'm using my ears," which is quite clever -
she was listening for where the robots were,
which is quite - it worked.
She avoided the robots for three minutes and 42 seconds.
God, that's good. Is that good? That's really good.
APPLAUSE
Susan had an interesting technique to avoid the robots,
and that was go into complete denial.
Complete denial that the robots had got anywhere near her.
I thought that was something furry, so I was like,
"That wasn't the robot." Yeah, I know, but the weird thing is
there was someone who was looking who confirmed that
the robot did strike you.
No, by that point, I don't trust that guy.
You were too deep in character, right, as some nutter.
Well, the first robot may or may not have struck her at one minute, 56.
And then, we finally stopped it at three minutes, 03.
Are we taking the first one as a strike? Obviously.
The one that did hit. LAUGHTER
Maybe there was more jeopardy than you thought there, Sam.
OK, if you are having a nice time,
please stop having a nice time!
Because I present to you some adverts!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the second part of Taskmaster.
Yes, it's great to have you back,
but I'm afraid there are still some rubbish robots
causing absolute mayhem.
We're down to the last two - it's Sam and Sue.
So, can I touch the robot with something else?
All the information's on the task. Please put on your blindfold.
Come on, my lit...
Ooh, they're absolutely creepy AF to touch.
Can you see anything? No.
Can you see anything, Sue? Nope.
Oh, OK. Oh. Right.
OK, good luck, your time starts when the robots start.
Back off!
Am I still on the mat? Yeah.
AUDIENCE OOHS Ooh, did you get struck by
a rubbish robot? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go away!
Ooh!
AUDIENCE OOHS - Horrid! - Ah.
I'm afraid one of the rubbish robots just caught
your left and right foot.
That's finished.
That's nice that you let your nephew come up with tasks
once every while. SHOCKED LAUGHTER
It makes me appreciate the really good ones.
APPLAUSE
You've really got it in for this task.
As soon as saw shots from the rubbish robots' perspectives - wow!
LAUGHTER I mean, there should be a spin-off!
We're talking merchandise, calendars!
Sue, your ferret-swiping technique was... Ahh.
...pretty sweet.
I just needed to grab them by the tail
and let them work for a living. Yeah.
They both did good tactics by starting behind the robots,
instead of immediately in front of them.
But their times - it's such an exciting task, this one.
Erm... LAUGHTER
...Sam avoided them for one minute and four seconds.
Sue, one minute and seven seconds.
Wow! Wow! So, the final scores.
Susan actually came second with her one minute, 56,
er, gets 4 points.
Sue, 3 points for one minute, 07.
Sam, 2 points, one minute, 04.
Julian, 1 point for two-and-a-half seconds.
Lucy, three minutes and 42 seconds. God, that's good.
So, it's a full 5 points to Lucy Beaumont. Yes!
Yes, Lucy Beaumont! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, I'd love to see a score board, please, Alex.
Well, she's actually in first place,
Lucy's got 9 points in the lead!
LOUD CHEERING
And what is next, pray tell?
OK, next, we have a team task in two places at once.
Oh.
What do you suppose?
Pull it, do you think?
Oh, it's under - it's in here.
Oh, cool. Is it a guinea pig?
"Recreate your team mate's garage scene."
"You have 15 minutes.
"Your time stars when your team mate calls.
Can I touch this?
Oh, shit. Oh, Christ.
Zero Oscar, are you receiving? Over.
Hello, are you receiving me? Roger.
Sue, you all right?
I'm all right, sweets, listen, you'll have to do
some things for me, if that's all right. Always.
"Instruct your team mates to create your garage scene."
"You may not say any of the words on any of the labels.
"You may not leave your location.
"The most accurate recreation wins.
"You had 15 minutes. Your time has already started."
JULIAN SNEEZES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Also, Lucy, you've got an extra instruction there.
You can read it, as long as you don't press the button
on the walkie talkie.
"Also, you must try on all the outfits in the basket
"one at a time, and not mention anything about it
"to your team mates."
Yeah, just to make life a bit more fun.
I'll just get 'em out my box one at a time. Sure.
Awaiting instructions.
Do you think she's gone home?
She's done. THEY CHUCKLE
APPLAUSE
Gut instinct tells me everyone's going to be terrible at this.
We'll have to find out, we'll see all of them at it
all at once in a montage.
OK, roger, let's start.
The thing that goes on the floor that keeps your feet warm,
can you put down first? Over.
It's a rug or a carpet, or something.
Oh, I thought it was socks.
In the centre of the room, I would like you to place
a floor covering.
If, in the middle of that, you could also position
a piece of furniture used for sitting in.
Right, if you're looking at your rug,
can you put them on the right-hand side?
Erm, at the front? Over.
Lucy, those are the words that you're not allowed to say.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
LAUGHTER - - Oh, Lucy! - Sorry. - Please.
Take a column of some description and put,
on the top of the column, some statue-ary.
OK, over and out!
Is there anything else? Yeah, there's loads of things.
Something that you have in your house that's green,
and that you have to water.
Something that looks like someone I once went out with.
Can you remember which hand I write with? Oh, left hand!
That might be where you want to put the plinth.
So, that was there.
The thing that they have in shops.
Er, th-the thing...
SHE COUGHS
Are you OK? Is there smoke? Is there gas in the shed?
And you know wh-what hand you write with, so that side.
Erm, I'd like another plinth.
And what I would like on that
is something that goes quack.
Is that making sense?
Erm, you know those two things that they have in zoos?
They're very brightly-coloured? Flamingos.
Will that do? Yeah. So many ducks!
Tell us where to put the things that we've got, then.
OK, brilliant. Right.
OK. So, you...
SILENCE
Toward... So... so, to looking...
SILENCE
And I'm facing the back wall of the garage.
Waiting for you to respond.
Roger.
Right.
A rubbish receptacle with the face of
a red-nosed entertainer.
I can just think of Father Christmas,
but I don't think he's a red-nosed entertainer.
He's just a red-nosed man.
Chuck that.
Where was the mannequin?
I'm going to through all the positions.
In front of you, plinth.
On the other, plinth.
Argh! Column!
Column, column!
Don't panic.
The middle along the back,
but the thing at the circus that kids are afraid of.
Opposite ends to the thing that goes in the bath,
you put the things that they have on churches that's evil.
Crucifix. That's evil?
Or gargoyles.
Oh, we'll get this owl, I reckon.
20 seconds.
How long have we got?
WHISTLE BLOWS Tits!
You've got ten seconds.
We've got ten minutes, Julian. No. Ten seconds.
Ten minutes? Ten seconds! Roger, over.
Right, our task is complete, I think you'll be very pleased.
LUCY SQUEALS DELIGHTEDLY
WHISTLE BLOWS Over!
Sorry about your cough.
You want to suck a fisherman's friend.
Oh, Julian.
APPLAUSE
Lucy, I sometimes think that you're doing some
of these tasks deliberately badly.
For a large section of it, you didn't even press
the walkie talkie so that people could hear you.
But you did press the walkie talkie when you had a coughing fit.
Sam, I don't know how the hell you got to flamingos,
given the description you were given, which was
"those two brightly-coloured things they have in zoos."
And you went, "Flamingos!"
LAUGHTER
That is, yeah, the mind is so, like, fascinating.
Isn't it? LAUGHTER
OK, thank you. LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I do think that, when Sue goes into action mode, she sounds like
a Second World War fighter pilot.
It's Biggles. It's pure Biggles. Er, yes, it's so in control -
except there was one moment that I just loved where panic set in
and caused Susan to go, "Don't panic."
It's funny, when I'm making notes watching these,
sometimes I forget why I've written them, and I've written down,
"Can I have a clip of Susan shouting 'tits'?"
How long have we got?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Tits!
LAUGHTER
It was definitely worth hearing again.
GREG LAUGHS HEARTILY
So, how many words did they get wrong?
Yes, the team of two, nine words wrong.
The team of three, 27.
Why? Why? No!
Yes, you said "left" once, "front" four times,
"back" three times, "duck" once, "right" twice. No! That's the-the...
"Right" again eight more times.
"Back" five times, "middle" once, "rug" twice.
They weren't on the board! They were all on the board.
LAUGHTER
Those "left" and "right" - they were instructions I was giving them.
Yes, exactly.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
This is the list of things you weren't allowed to say, Lucy.
LAUGHTER
Look at it. LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I looked at it.
So, just bear that in mind, Greg. I'm bearing it in mind. Good.
Er, so we'll see what they did, the real garage in the middle.
SUSAN LAUGHS
So, you can see the mannequin represented in the bottom left.
They're all right. They both did the pineapple.
I think they genuinely did pretty well. They're pretty good.
I've got it as, the team of two, six things pretty much right,
the team of three getting seven things pretty much right.
But they did keep saying all the words they weren't supposed to say.
So, if I penalise Lucy for saying all of those words,
if I took a point off them, it would make that this was a tie.
So, let's say 3 points each. 3 points each!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Break time! Quick! Hop on to Twitter and tell your
followers that you're watching something on television.
Feels like a good use of life, right? Wrong!
Do something else! Live!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Ohh, yeah!
Hello again! It's part three of Taskmaster.
And there's a bozo next to me who's just desperate
to say something trite before introducing the next task.
Cripes. Er, now on to the next task,
which really is head and shoulders above the rest.
Susan. Hi.
Ah, there you are.
Radiating your usual charisma.
LAUGHTER
SATISFIED SIGH
"Present a piece called Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."
Knees and toes.
Hmm?
"Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."
Knees and toes.
What'd I say? No, you said it.
"Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Knees and toes.
"..Knees and Toes." Knees and toes.
"Most powerful pieces wins."
SHE GIGGLES "You have 20 minutes.
"Time starts now."
You could do a very powerful piece. Well, that's what we're hoping.
Or someone could. Probably not me.
But don't, er, no. I could.
Don't tell yourself that.
When I was in Vietnam, I had to do, er, an English class.
The only thing I could think of was to teach them like a nursery rhyme.
"Heads and shoulders, knees and toes." Knees and toes.
But what I didn't realise is there was two kids at the back and,
every time they bent down to do knees and toes... Knees and toes.
...when they got up again to do heads,
they slammed their heads really hard on the desk.
So, part of me wants to do a powerful piece around
how nursery rhymes can go very badly wrong.
Erm, I would like A4 sheet of paper, A5 sheet of paper.
Do you know which one A5 is?
It's bigger than A4, isn't it?
No.
I think that we can incorporate some drama.
I went to drama school, so we should make use of that money that I spent.
She doesn't have any shoulders.
No. She's got a head, though.
Is there going to be a script? We'll play it fast and loose.
Mike Leigh-style.
So, I just need a knee and a shoulder, and some toes. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, some great inspirational material that's going
to lead to these performances.
Three years in RADA? Whole three.
How much did RADA cost you for three years?
30 grand's worth, yeah.
30 grand for what we're about to see, yeah? Yeah.
- Just you wait. - Can't wait. LAUGHTER
Lovely that you've got the experience,
and you'll put on the best show. No.
Lovely that Sue's show will be based on having hurt
some children in Vietnam.
Yeah, admittedly unwittingly but, yeah, it's cultural
that you don't confront your senior, so they just kept doing it
and hurting themselves, because it would've been too rude to say,
"I'm walloping my head really badly
"with your weird English nursery rhyme."
So, the first piece we're going to see is presented by Sam Campbell.
MOODY SAXOPHONE WAILS
Inspector.
A ghastly business.
I can't believe it.
Some kind of insane maniac...
...has killed my parents.
They've decapitated them!
And hacked them apart!
They've chopped off their heads...
...their shoulders, their knees and toes!
Knees and toes. LAUGHTER
The security here is re-really good but somehow, they've...
Some maniac, some fruitcake has come in, and my beloved parents!
They've chopped off their heads...
...their shoulders, their knees and toes!
Knees and toes.
Will you cut that out?
Can't you see that I'm in the throes of despair?
Look, look at what they've done!
They have chopped off their heads,
their shoulders,
their knees and toes!
Knees and toes.
LAUGHTER
Where'd you get that?
Bit late for a banana.
It's midnight.
DRAMATIC MUSIC STING
I didn't think that would be the punch line.
It's great, cos if you saw someone eating a banana you at midnight...
Yeah. ..you'd ring the police. But he IS the police!
LAUGHTER
Off to a strong start.
Right, next up, two presentations in one.
It's Julian and Susan.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.
DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY
DRUMMING CONTINUES
Hello, Julian. Oh, hello.
This is the best paper I could find.
So, it's going to be powerful, is it? I think so.
I'm quite confident that it will.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes!
Heads, neigh, shoulders, knees and toes.
No-one wants yellow, do they, in an artwork?
Really? LAUGHTER
There are some nice pictures with yellow in.
It's a matter of opinion. OK.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes!
Silence!
Neigh-eigh-eigh!
So, do you do comedy?
I-I've tried, yeah.
Sometimes sing in a band, Julian.
Do you? Mmm.
What sort of music?
Sometimes it's jazz.
Jazz brings me out in hives. I know, me too.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes!
Head... shoulders... ...knees and toes!
...shoulders, knees and... ...knees and toes!
VOICES OVERLAPPING
Heads!
Shoulders!
Knees!
LAUGHTER
Toes!
MENACING CHOIR SINGS
Bleeehhhh!
Ahh, my toes, ehhhh!
He's cut off my toes!
CHOIR STOPS Ehhh...
LAUGHTER
Right, I'm thrilled. Me too.
Good luck with your career...
LAUGHTER ...such as it.
APPLAUSE
It was 30 grand, yeah? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
No, come on. It was avant-garde.
It was French cinema.
It was. It was, you know...
It was imagery galore.
Loads! It was a comment on the death penalty.
Was it? Yeah. And you thought the most powerful way of representing
that would be with a duck? LAUGHTER
We're not going literal.
And what is the comment on the death penalty?
Er, that it's bad.
LAUGHTER
Thank you! OK.
So, Julian, as far as I can work out,
sat making withering comments toward you about your lack of talent,
and then, drew something - but I didn't see what he drew.
So, this is Julian's powerful piece, Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.
LAUGHTER
Erm, what is it Julian?
I just bothered with the bits in question -
heads, shoulders, knees and toes, so...
You bothered with them in what sense?
In that you labelled them?
Well, I didn't bother with arms,
because they weren't in the task brief. ..Brief.
No, it wasn't Head, Shoulders, Knees, Arms, and Toes, right. Yeah.
We've all known someone who looks like that.
Yeah? Who's the person that you know that looks like that?
Erm, my nana. LAUGHTER
When she didn't have her teeth in.
And this piece is powerful because...?
Well, it's...
Is it anti-death penalty?
It's anti- a lot of things.
LAUGHTER
I'm just struggling for where the power is.
I like it, I like it.
That's the power.
OK, do you want to see a health and safety presentation?
Oh, at last! Good, well here's one. Let's go! ..via Sue Perkins.
Nursery rhymes are a dangerous source of head trauma.
Just ask Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty,
and the old man who went to bed and bumped his head,
and couldn't get up in the morning.
This, this guy...
That's what happens when you recklessly attend a nursery rhyme.
But there's another way.
Here at Perkins & Perkins,
we supply ready-prepared safety equipment
for all eventualities like this guy.
Be less this guy, and more this guy.
Be better!
Be Perkins & Perkins.
And don't let a rhyme stop you in your prime.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Full confirmation, er,
as if we needed it, you were born in the wrong era.
So '50s, isn't it? Erm, I really liked it.
It sort of belonged in the cinema when we were kids.
Remember the guy dressed as death? It was terrifying.
Donald Pleasance going, "Don't swim here, you'll drown."
Oh, no. And then, just children falling to their death.
LAUGHTER - Wah! - Absolutely traumatising.
It was awful! You kids don't know how lucky you've got it these days,
with adverts. Oh, buy a train.
LAUGHTER
Right, join us after the break for today's final chapter
where the winner will stand alone on the stage celebrating their victory
with some squirty cream and a horn.
And some broken glass!
Woohoo! It's prime time!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello, again!
It's part four of four, and we're in the thick of a task
based on heads, shoulders, knees and toes.
Knees and toes. We've had a painting,
two theatrical pieces, and a health and safety demonstration.
Finally, here is something macabre from Lucy Beaumont.
GREG WHISTLES
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
CHILD-LIKE: Brother Alex, I am bored.
Can we play a little game?
Head...
...shoulder...
Ooh, there's a lizard!
oh, that's a funny tattoo.
Little tattoos from the 1990s.
GUTTURAL MUNCHING SOUNDS
Oh, hungry lizard!
Yum-num-num-num!
Head, shoulders...
...knees - little poorly!
Need a plaster on that.
Knees and, ah...
...toes!
ALEX SCREAMS
Sorry! Oop!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Clearly an audience favourite.
But the first thing I...
I absolutely loved the aside of pointing out that Alex has had
a tattoo done in the 1990s!
I was so shocked to see it.
It was genuinely creepy.
Who were you?
I was a lady who used to look after me when I was a child.
That's a worry. LAUGHTER
If you were to sum up the whole story, from start to finish...
Mm-hm. ...as succinctly as you can...
Mm-hm. ..what was the story that you just presented to us?
Er...
...Harry Potter.
LAUGHTER
It was about...
The duck represented?
Erm, er, the RSPB.
Sometimes you shouldn't talk to the creators.
Sometimes you should just see it and judge it on face value,
cos now I think it's shit.
Right, let me just say, first of all,
I enjoyed all of them more than 1 point.
OK, then.
So, this is a roundabout way of me
giving Julian's picture 2 points. 2 points.
There was a lot of enjoyment in both Susan and Sue's,
cos they were powerful pieces, I'm going to give both of them -
and you're not going to like this -
4 points. 4 points, I saw that coming.
And I'm going to give the weird police people...
...and I'm going to ignore everything Lucy said about her own piece
I'm going to give them 5 points each.
LUCY GASPS There you go, 5 to Lucy, 5 to Sam!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Well, well, well!
Quick look at the scores?
Yes, well, they're all on double figures,
except for Julian this time.
At the top of the table, it's Lucy still with 17!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I mean, I can't believe it.
Can you please vacate your seats and head to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Alex, who's going to read your task out?
The leader, Lucy Beaumont.
THEY LAUGH
"Pass the pineapples amongst you for 15 seconds
"whilst the Taskmaster shuts his eyes and has a little think.
"When the Taskmaster opens his eyes, he will say if he thinks you are
"holding a pineapple behind your back or not.
"If he accuses you wrongly, you get a point.
"Most points after three rounds wins."
It's a simple game of hide the pineapple. Yes, it is.
I don't need to close my eyes, because I have this.
LAUGHTER
Can you pass these down for now? The time hasn't started yet.
I think all of you are perfectly
capable of hiding a pineapple from me.
Well, I don't know, I've only got a small torso.
LAUGHTER
So, close your eyes, Taskmaster.
15 seconds of passing the pineapple begins now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OK...
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, so Taskmaster, you may open your eyes.
Julian, have you got a pineapple behind your back?
No, on my life.
Well, I'll tell you now, I do think Julian Clary's got
a pineapple behind his back.
Lucy's pretending her knees are giving way.
I think that that bit of overacting suggests to me
that she isn't concealing a pineapple behind her torso.
Talk of overacting, look at Perkins, for God's sake.
Stick two pineapples on the Sues.
Will people watch this?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE I think I might be wrong.
Take it off Perkins...
..put it on Beaumont.
Fuck you.
LAUGHTER Poker face, poker face, remember.
OK, well, let's see how you've done. Julian?
Oh-ho-ho, he's good! The man is good.
You're talking about yourself? Yeah!
Lucy, do you have a pineapple?
PINEAPPLE SLAMS Aha!
Sam, do you have a pineapple?
No. No way has Sue Perkins got a pineapple behind that back.
Ahh!1 point to Perkins. APPLAUSE
Which, of course, means that Susan Wokoma...
30 grand, baby!
The Sues are in the lead with a point each.
Round 2!
Taskmaster, please shut your eyes.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Julian says what if, like, one of us has two?
LAUGHTER
Or do three. I mean...
...do you want all three?
WHISTLE BLOWS OK, please stop passing pineapples.
Is it possible that one of them might have three pineapples?
Anything's possible.
Julian has got a pineapple.
Lucy Beaumont hasn't got a pineapple.
Sam has got a pineapple.
I really want to foil RADA at the end, though.
Sue Perkins hasn't got a pineapple.
RADA, this time, has a pineapple.
I'll get you, RADA.
Susan. 30 grand, baby!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Sue Perkins, do you have a pineapple? I don't.
There's no pineapple. OK, so Sue remains on 1.
Sam definitely has a pineapple. I'm not a crook.
Lucy.
PINEAPPLE SLAMS Ohh!
CHEERING She gets a point!
However, we've only seen one pineapple.
Oh, I wonder where the others could be?
Bam.
APPLAUSE
So, it's the final round of pass the pineapple. Susan's in the lead.
15 seconds of passing the pineapple begins...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Damn you, RADA.
Six seconds left.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
WHISTLE BLOWS OK.
You may open your eyes.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
EVERYONE LAUGHS
Who you going to start with, Greg?
I think Julian, for the first time,
has no pineapples.
Lucy Beaumont - don't think she's got a pineapple.
Perkins has a pineapple.
Damn you, RADA.
She's got a bloody pineapple this time,
and this clown's got a pineapple. OK.
If this Australian has three pineapples on him...
LAUGHTER
...I am going to lose my fucking mind.
OK, Julian, he didn't think you've got a pineapple. I do not.
I don't.
Every time, you've seen through Julian Clary.
Yes. Funny. Yes.
Lucy has got it right once.
You don't think she's got a pineapple?
She hasn't, I'm sure of it.
And you were right! I was right. Sue Perkins.
No pineapple. Yeah!
LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS HEAVILY Would you like to see RADA?
If you've got three pineapples, Sam...
Let's see RADA now, because I know this time, I've foiled RADA.
You said she's got a pineapple. Susan, do you have a pineapple?
30 grand, baby!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sam, do you want to show the Taskmaster if you have
a pineapple or not?
He's got a pineapple.
LAUGHTER
Where are the other two pineapples?
They're just over there. ...Over there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done, you pineapple-hiders.
We'll add that to the final scores. Please, come and join me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Julian unfortunately came last there,
cos he didn't fool you at all. He gets the 1 point.
Lucy and Sam both get 3 points, cos they came joint third. Hello.
Sue came second, get 4 points,
but the actor, Susan Wokoma, gets the full 5 points!
CHEERING
Fair play, RADA.
OK, and that means in terms of the series, Susan, you are now, er,
still last on 80 points.
Lucy, you have 85,
Sue, you are on 89, Julian, 95,
Sam in the lead - triple figures now, 106!
CHEERING
And so? And so, it's been a tight episode.
3 points separating the top four, but the winner, with 20 points...
...it's Lucy Beaumont!
LOUD CHEERING
Lucy Beaumont wins!
Please skip up to the stage and shake your noisy prizes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Six down, four to go, see you next time.
But for now, here's tonight's winner, celebrating on a stage,
it is Lucy Beaumont! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media