Thank you, everyone. See
Thank you, everyone. See you
tomorrow.
Ah! Oh!
(DING!)
Ah! Oh!
Uh...
We slayed it!
Is this good television?
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
My name is Tom Gleeson,
and after decades battling Channel Ten in the courts,
it brings me great pleasure to announce
that the matter's been settled.
(LAUGHTER)
While I can't disclose the details,
what I can say is I'm being paid millions,
Rove can never mention my mother ever again.
(LAUGHTER)
And that the most important role in entertainment history is still mine,
for I am the Taskmaster!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's now my duty and privilege
to give these comedians one, two, three, four, or even five points
based solely on what I reckon.
And the overall prize they seek -
let's just say Indiana Jones would spit in Tutankhamun's face
to lay his mitts on it for just one millisecond.
It's a perfect golden replica of my head.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It gives me half a mongrel.
As always, I'm joined by five comedians
desperately competing for points.
And this season they are...
Aaron Chen.
Concetta Caristo.
Mel Buttle.
Peter Helliar.
And Rhys Nicholson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And to my left is a man with a misleading surname,
considering his dad is the one who pays me for him to be here.
It's my assistant, Tom Cashman.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
G'day, Tom. Try to relax.
Oh, thanks.
How are you? I'm OK.
My friend bought a car on the weekend,
and he said it'll get him from A to B,
and I was like, "Oh, that's...that's not very far."
Like, if we're using the alphabet to denote distance,
that's...that's as short as it gets.
If I had a car, I'd want it to get to at least C,
then I'd want to know that I could get back to A,
because if I started at A, presumably that's where I live.
So I'd want to go...
And then I'd want to go on longer trips as well.
So if I had a car, I'd want it to go from A to...
I'd want it to go from A to C and then back to A,
and then to, like, R.
And...and then it would spell what it is.
(APPLAUSE)
Don't clap. It'll make him try again next week.
Alright, Lesser Tom, what are we doing first?
Well, we have our prize task.
This week, our comedians have been asked to bring in
the thing with the cutest face on it that isn't meant to be a face.
Alright, Mel, what's your cute thing?
It is a cup that was, um, bought in India.
And I think the artist made a mistake
and did a sort of a little face on the back half there.
It even looks like family Guy.
Like, it's got the blonde hair.
It looks like a cute little smile and an eye with...with no pupil.
I'm worried it's not very cute.
What?!
Oh, I'm blown away.
Um, what could possibly be cuter
than a little mouth that's just doing a little semi smile
like sometimes I see out of someone who sits...
(LAUGHTER)
Concetta, what did you bring in?
I brought in this adorable cheese grater.
(LAUGHTER) Oh!
Alright.
That is a very cute face.
It looks a bit like Tom Cashman.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Looks a lot like Tom Cashman.
Alright, Aaron, what did you bring in?
So I went to a Vietnamese restaurant in Marrickville called Viet Rolls.
They're awesome guys. And...
Did you just, um, do a mention so you'd get free rolls?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause you slipped it in,
but you kind of looked at the camera when you said it.
I'm in no way affiliated.
And you use Aaron Chen at the checkout...
(LAUGHTER)
But I went into the bathroom, right?
And there was this metal bracket that used to be a soap holder.
So I got the owner to take it off the wall for me.
But, yeah, I promised him I'd win this episode and bring it back
'cause his business is really struggling, and he, um...
So you move very quickly from an endorsement to a bankruptcy.
Alright, Peter, do you have a cute face that's not a face?
I was struggling with this one,
so I thought I'd go have a drink at a local bar
and try to find some inspiration.
And you will not believe what happened in the nick of time.
You might be thinking that's what they all are supposed to look like.
My wife had one as well. This is hers.
Oh.
That one came to me for a reason. Right.
Rhys, what did you come up with?
Like Pete, I struggled with this one.
Up until this morning, I didn't have anything.
And then I'm making my toast this morning,
and you would not believe this.
I cannot believe Moby came up on my toast!
I think Moby is very cute. Yeah.
So I'm glad you threw that in at the end,
'cause I was worried it was me,
and I suffer from a mild case of self-loathing at times,
and I was going to mark you down.
But I'm a big fan of Moby.
Alright, so we need some scores. That's right.
Mel, yours wasn't cute.
I don't envy you on social media after this.
But, you know. (LAUGHTER)
Also, I'm going to say I feel like Concetta and Aaron
were both going for a very similar vibe,
but I'm just a bit more concerned about the Vietnamese roll's business.
Yep.
So I'm going to give Aaron three and Concetta two.
OK.
It was a very cute face in Pete's drink,
so I'm going to give Pete four.
But with five points, I'm going to give it to Rhys
because I'm a massive fan of Moby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
OK, let's get stuck into the real stuff.
Alright, I don't think I've ever had less experience
with the theme of a task than this.
Ooh! Oh!
Don't do that. That's crazy. Yeah.
There is no Tom.
(READS) "Taskmaster VIP."
Just on first look, what do you reckon?
"Play a round of strip poker with Tom."
(LAUGHS) No, thanks.
"Try not to vomit in a bucket.
"Least...least vomit wins."
Shall I...? Please.
Go for it.
"Transform the study into the hottest club in town."
Oh, yes.
"Hottest club in town wins."
"Tom will join the line of your hottest club in 60 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
We are the perfect three people.
We all love clubbing.
Well, you're young. You know what's in clubs.
What makes them hot?
Stripper poles.
Yes.
I think we should make it an over 28s.
Yes. (LAUGHS)
How old are you, Aaron?
27.
OK, well, that's...
I'll wait... I'll wait outside for a year.
We'll get you in.
This could be a DJ. Hot plate.
Or...and hot. Hot plate.
Listen for the drop. It's coming!
RHYS: Name of the club. Name of the club, yeah.
Um...
Moist.
Club Moist.
Let's make this place really wet.
That's hot.
That stays.
Sorry. Oh.
Yeah. That's all the moisture.
Ernie and Bert and the Muppets are back!
(LAUGHTER)
Have any of you even been to a nightclub in the last year?
I've been to a 'clerb'.
Oh. What's a 'clerb'?
Eugh. Eugh.
Is this an Italian thing again?
No!
No, it's a cool people thing.
Are you saying Italians aren't cool? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Lesser Tom, which club are we going to go to first?
Let's see if I can get into Club Moist.
(LAUGHTER)
Hi there. (THUNDER RUMBLES)
I'm here to attend the hottest club in town.
(BANGING, WATER SPLASHING)
What is happening?
You can't wear that jacket. OK.
Are you the door person? Of course I'm the door person.
I'm standing at the door.
OK. Literally.
Put this on. Oh.
Sounds quite wet in there. (WATER SPLASHING)
Are you prepared to get moist?
I suppose if that's what the hottest club in town entails.
Oh, there's pre-wetting?
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(LAUGHTER)
Welcome to Club Moist.
I'll be right with you. OK.
What can I get you?
Um... What do you serve?
What would you like?
A water?
(TRUMPET SQUEAKS, TOOTS)
That's probably enough. Yep.
(SQUEAKS)
Does that experience cost any money or that was just on the house?
You're getting a bit aggro, mate. I think maybe you've had enough.
Take him out. Yeah. You've had enough.
You're out.
This is the end of the experience? It's the end of the experience.
Enough, mate. (TRUMPET GURGLES)
Yeah. You're out.
(APPLAUSE)
Well, it was definitely a nightclub run by Muppets.
Um, Pete, your hair there.
Your...your ridiculous wig looked like Aaron's real hair.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, we wanted to have a club
that none of us would actually want to go to.
It had to be pretentious and full of wankers,
and I think we achieved that.
Yeah.
Well, there were times like it felt less like a nightclub
and more like a performance art piece.
Watching Tom walk in through the plastic,
he seemed so genuinely terrified
about what was happening in there.
And I think that's what happens in a hot club.
When you're standing outside and you don't know what's happening,
the noises were extremely concerning.
(LAUGHTER)
What, uh, tunes were you spinning on the wet decks, Aaron?
Do you know there's a DJ called Fred Again?
Well, I was Wet Again.
(LAUGHTER)
To be let into a club, you pay a door charge.
Here on commercial TV, you watch ads.
Time to pay the fee
and thank your lucky stars there's not a dress code.
See you soon!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five comedians are genuinely trying their best
to win a piece of burnt toast
and a metal bracket Aaron Chen ripped off a restaurant wall.
Where did we leave off, Lesser Tom?
We're halfway through a team task.
Our teams are trying to turn the study
into the hottest club in town.
Next up, even if their club makes you line up out on the street,
at least that street is Sesame Street.
It's Ernie and Bert - Concetta and Mel.
(UP-BEAT 1960S ROCK'N'ROLL PLAYS)
"Come on in."
"The Red Whistle."
OK.
"It's a real sausage fest in here."
G'day.
"Watch the vomit!"
(GROANING, LAUGHTER)
"Read me."
"You looking for the hottest club in town?
"You're not gonna find it that easily, mate.
"Only a truly cool person can find the hottest club on their own."
Oh, right.
Doesn't seem like the hottest club in town.
CONCETTA: Oh, my God. Here he comes.
Hey. Welcome to Shark Eyes.
Shark Eyes?
Are you on the list? Um, I hope so.
My name's Tom Cashman.
Sorry, you're not on the list. Oh.
Also, we're at capacity.
Is that the hottest club in town?
That's our resident DJ. OK.
MEL: Whoop-whoop! So the capacity is just the DJ?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Whoop-whoop! Yep.
What's the point of having a business
where it's the hottest club in town, but the capacity is the DJ?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) I wanna see your hands!
What's your name? Also, sorry, you don't fit the dress code.
Oh, OK. Do you know what the dress code is?
No. What's the...? No suits. Anything but suits.
Anything but? (LAUGHS)
And the boat doesn't dock for another eight hours.
The boat's out in the lake for the next eight hours?
It's a boat party...club. OK.
So the DJ's gonna... doing an eight-hour set?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) One! Two! One, two, three, go!
Is the music playing just in headphones that...that she has?
Yep. It's a, um, silent disco.
It's a silent disco.
I thought so.
So, it's a boat silent disco with a capacity of zero on top of the DJ.
Pranessa! Yeah?
Can you get rid of him, please? Yeah.
You are stinking the vibe of the hottest club in town. Oh, OK.
Please leave. I'm sorry. Alright.
Well, it was nice to meet you. Why are you backing up?
Turn around and walk forward. OK. Sorry.
Back to the bangers.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
TOM: Wow. Wow.
I actually think that was pretty good.
Like, I mean, as a hot nightclub, it's very lateral thinking.
You created this whole other terrible nightclub
and then you went out and made a cool one that he had to find.
To me, that's a really hot nightclub.
Thank you. Thank you.
And that's all...that's it.
That's all. Yep. That's it.
Yeah. Yep.
That's a really hot nightclub.
I have a bone of cont... And this might be wrong.
Can you read the task out again, please?
Sure. "Transform the study into the hottest club in town."
(AUDIENCE MURMURS)
Ooh! More!
(LAUGHTER)
So that would mean that the club being assessed, in your case,
is the Red Whistle.
Oh. (LAUGHTER)
So, hang on - that really hot club that they nailed, called Shark Eyes,
is not even in competition. No.
What? No. No. No, no, no, no, no.
So... Oh, sorry. Was it... What...what is a study?
You were outdoors in the study?
These are some things that were in the Red Whistle -
a sign saying, "No coward punching,"
a sign saying, "It's a real sausage fest in here,"
and a piece of paper that specifically says
it is not the hottest club in town.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Wow.
Well, I can only take your word for it
that it isn't the hottest nightclub in town,
so I'm gonna give the Muppets five, Ernie and Bert get two each.
OK.
Oh!
Alright, Lesser Tom, that task barely touched the sides.
I'm ready for another.
This next task is full of so many hilarious and entertaining moments,
it's literally bursting at the seams.
Hi, Rhys. Hi, Tom.
Beep-beep.
Interesting.
Whoa! Oh, my gosh!
Fabulous.
Now I'm left with a puzzle.
Should I come back in half an hour?
Got it. Yeah, got it.
Okey-dokey!
"Create the best banner, then burst through it."
"Best banner and banner burst-through wins."
"You must burst through your banner in 30 minutes. Your time..."
"Starts...now."
Well, let's get the idea down first before we go down and...create.
The pencils here are kind of small, don't you reckon?
It seems like a normal pencil from here.
And what about this?
I actually will...
That's OK. Yeah.
I could ride through it with a bike.
Whoa. "Whoa" is right.
What's the banner say?
Oh, it has to say something?
For the tournament of, um, touchball.
Oh.
Touchball was a task that I clearly won.
That's not what occurred. Absolutely is what happened.
No, it's...it's not what happened. Absolute liar. Wouldn't trust him.
He's currently lying. I'm not saying he's a liar, but...
Sorry - they are lying right now.
See? They're not a liar.
Can't even (BLEEP) get a gender right.
I mean, that... that was a mistake I made.
But it's not relevant to your lie... Hateful.
It's in terms of best,
what is the best in humanity?
Like beauty... Beauty's good. Oh, yeah.
..hope, um... Hope's nice.
It often rhymes, we know that. OK.
It'll have a slander to the other team, won't it?
Oh, really? So, who's your enemy team?
A lady called (BLEEP). What did she do?
She throws dog pooh, I believe, on my front lawn.
'Cause I take great pride in my lawn.
You BELIEVE that she does that?
I can't prove it.
It's really... her name really is (BLEEP).
Maybe say a different name?
Sue.
Sue, leave the pooh.
We know it's you.
OK, Lesser Tom, whose banner are we going to start with?
Like an actor named Eric right before Chopper was released in 1999,
a 'Bana' is about to burst -
it's Rhys Nicholson!
I'm becoming that John Mulaney bit where you run out of space.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
That's still good. That's still good. It's still good.
Can you tell I was rejected from three art schools?
You were rejected from three art schools?
Well, I wasn't accepted, and I will take...
Whenever I'm not accepted, I will take that as a rejection.
I mean, you should. That's what rejection means.
OK, well, if we're gonna talk like that,
who would know more than you?
I'm kinda happy with that.
I'm really sweatin'!
Yeah! Touchball!
(ROCK GUITAR STING) I won!
Pew! Pew! Pew!
(ROCK GUITAR SOLO)
Touchball. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Touchball.
Touchball!
TOM: Well, Rhys, I must say,
like, when you were painting there and being mildly entertaining.
you reminded me of Rolf Harris.
(GROANING)
No! No touch ball!
(LAUGHTER)
I think it was mock humility when you said
that you weren't very good at painting.
I like arts and craft. I'm a crafty person.
But I think craft is like...
Craft isn't always art, is it?
Craft is like... Sometimes it can be cheese.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright, whose banner bursting are we going to see next?
Here's Mel Buttle!
This banner is about one thing and one thing only - intimidation.
Who am I intimidating?
A woman called Sue.
"Sue, we know it's you!"
Exclamation mark - scariest form of punctuation.
"Cease..." Not 'please'.
"Cease with the pooh!!" Double exclamation mark.
"Thank you."
Other intimidating things on the banner - oh, a bit of maths.
Good luck with that, Sue.
2 x X + A.
Scary!
Come over here.
Fraction - 46/82.
That's not gonna work out. Sucked in, idiot!
Oh, the worst kind of maths - long division.
113, scariest number -
it's got 13 in it, plus the biggest number in the world, 100 -
divided by 21.
Good luck with that, Sue.
This woman's gonna be quaking in her boots.
Also, actual pooh, so she knows what she's done.
Axe - intimidating. A dangerous weapon.
Watch out, Sue!
And then you stand with it, like, sexily,
'cause that's powerful.
Cop that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Mel, that was a very intimidating presentation.
Thank you.
After watching it, I feel like I'm on Sue's side.
I'm just feeling like if this was a story on A Current Affair...
Mm.
..you'd be the one featured in slow motion and black and white.
Yeah, I know, and Sue would be walking on the beach going,
"I'm not sure what I've done wrong,"
like, skipping a stone.
Um... (LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
OK, well, we've got more banner bursting to go.
But first I'd like to welcome Team Advertising to the field.
They've had a great run over the last six months
and could really do some exciting things this postseason.
We'll see you after this!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show where five well-paid liberal elites
are competing for Peter Helliar's half-drunk margarita.
(LAUGHTER) Where were we?
Our contestants are creating banners and then bursting through them.
Both the banners themselves and the burst-throughs
are being analysed by you.
OK. Who's next?
He's been bursting out of his Lycra bike shorts
since he's been wearing them in 2004.
It's Peter Helliar.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
PETER: My name's Tom Gleeson, and I endorse this message.
Ta-da!
Pretty good.
Oh, no way. It's you.
It's me, the whole time.
This whole banner is about promoting Tom to get another Gold Logie.
And what better way than to have a paper mache Tom Gleeson
next to a spray-painted Tom Gleeson?
So it's a double Tom to promote a double Gold Logie.
Exactly right.
Are we still in the burst-through?
Is... Is this not burst through enough?
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
Ta-da!
Great work, Pete.
Thanks, Tom.
Thanks, Pete. Thanks, Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
So, with the shape of that hole and you bursting through,
it was a very disappointing version of the MGM lion.
Well, I was going for the alien,
the alien kind of thing bursting through the chest.
Ah. Um, sorry about the fingers.
I thought that was... (LAUGHTER)
Or it's my pleasure.
(LAUGHTER)
And if that helps you win another Gold Logie,
mate, it's my bloody pleasure.
OK. And you bloody deserve it, mate.
I deserve it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) I deserve it.
He makes a good point.
Another paper splitter, please.
She's always bursting with something.
It's Concetta Caristo.
(PANTING)
Tom, what's your middle name?
James. Tom James Cashman...
..will you marry me...
Oh... AUDIENCE: Aww.
..and make me the happiest horse in the village?
You're a horse? Yes.
Oh.
Um, it's very flattering,
but unfortunately I'm going to have to say, um...
..n-no.
Because we're not in a... a romantic relationship.
And just to vibe check, you wouldn't be interested in that.
I think you have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I do.
Alright. AUDIENCE: Aww...
Thanks, Tom.
Was the cartwheel cool?
Yeah. Yeah.
Why are you a horse?
Huh? No, nothing.
Now I'm free.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That's the second time in this series
you've proposed to Tom Cashman.
(LAUGHTER)
He's all I've got.
If I could propose to anyone else, I would.
(LAUGHTER)
Either way, I'm saying Tom and Concetta, ooh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
(CHANTS) Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Alright.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, well, I think the burst-through was fantastic.
I love the burst-through,
but I'm worried the message was just a bit basic.
It felt more like a stage direction.
You don't come right out and say it.
I have to say it looking into his eyes.
As a horse. As a horse.
Can I just say, I think we're burying the lead.
A horse was riding a (BLEEP) trike.
(LAUGHTER)
One more burst boy left.
Will he burst into tears or burst through with tears?
It's Aaron Chen.
Describe to me one of your best days in your life.
Cause I kind of want to dedicate this to you.
I won the Don Northey Award in Year 11.
We're gonna do, um, something much better than that.
OK. (LAUGHTER)
Some of the best things, including race cars...
Wow. Weaponry technologies.
Are those planes or missiles or...?
Missiles, yeah. Oh, OK.
A few minutes ago, the things that you thought were best were,
I think, beauty and hope,
and now we're focusing on Formula One cars and bombs.
You have to defend beauty.
OK.
So Don Northey is kind of like a sports award?
Yep. What sports did you play?
Basketball.
Is there any extra points for wettest burst?
No.
It looks like it's about Japan now.
Mmm. And then bombing.
But now they're good at making race cars.
(CHORTLES)
OK, so that is not allowed to be Japan any more.
I like this. You know... You know why?
Why?
It's not a direct reference to the bombing of Hiroshima.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
This is a disaster, Tom.
I'm gonna write "Beauty and Hope" to salvage any points.
OK.
(EXHALES) Pretty good.
Let's see. Grab that end, and we're gonna take this outside.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh...
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Is this your burst-through? This is not the burst-through.
There's going to be a hollow bit on it.
OK. Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Wow. This is the burst-through? (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It will have to be.
Do you want to do another one over this side?
(BLOWS WHISTLE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You got a good crowd reaction, but don't get confused.
(LAUGHTER)
I feel like everything went wrong for you there.
No one ever teaches you about, like, the viscosity of paint...
(LAUGHTER)
..versus the thinness of paper, you know?
Let's get to the message. The message was very confusing.
It was a tribute to Tom Cashman winning the Don Northey Award.
What's the Don Northey Award?
The Don Northey Award was named after
the deputy principal at the time.
Most proficient player in any sport,
criteria based on skill, number of years played,
and service to the sport.
Can I just say that Tom's bragging about winning a sports award
at a very academic-focussed high school?
I was one of the only people who played any sport.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
Can we see those banners one more time, please?
Alright, so I'll go through the banners first.
Aaron's definitely on one.
Concetta on two, just because I found it a bit basic,
the actual message.
Mel's on three.
And then I'm going to give Peter four for his banner,
because I agreed with the message.
But just due to the artwork alone,
and also because it's about
the nation's new favourite sport, touch ball,
Rhys gets five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Yeah!
Now we have to analyse the burst-throughs.
It's no surprise, but Aaron's is one.
(LAUGHTER, AWWS)
And then I'm going to give Pete two, Mel's on three points.
Rhys, you're on four for your burst-through.
Had a guitar, looked pretty cool,
But the best burst-through had to be Concetta on a trike.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, lesser Tom, can you tally that up for us?
We're going to be combining both rankings into a final ranking.
So the overall scores for this task,
we've got Aaron on one, obviously,
then we've got Mel and Pete with three points each,
Concetta with four,
and the winner of the task is Rhys with five points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We've got to go away and do some investigations
into whether or not Don Northey is a real person,
and explained to Tom Cashman why, if he is,
we still don't give a shit.
(LAUGHTER) More tasks after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
So far, we've already been transported to Club Moist,
as well as seeing Mel air her dog poo grievances.
Lesser Tom, what is the scoreboard looking like?
Well, Mel should potentially hit the juice to bulk up.
She's on six.
Then we've got Aaron, Concetta and Pete.
They could spend a bit more time in the gym.
But it's Rhys who's flexing
el naturel with a muscly 15 points!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Let's have another task. Sure thing.
I should apologise in advance for this one, though,
because we had a bit of a technical issue with the gravity.
Oh, this looks good.
Oh, my God.
Tom, I...I thought you were dead.
How are you doing?
Something weird has happened.
Like gravity's all wrong. Yeah.
Sorry, I've dropped the task on the ground.
OK.
There's a bug on it.
"Make these scales register and flash the biggest weight.
"From the map."
Mat. Wait. "From the mat."
"You cannot move the mat. You have 15 minutes."
"Highest registered weight wins."
"Your time starts now."
Thank you. Can you help me up?
No, 'cause I can't leave the mat.
You're allowed to leave the mat.
Thank you. Sorry about that.
That's OK.
Look at you, down there in the gutter where you belong.
Up you pop!
Now, how do I use these scales, Tom?
Nice, simple, physical task.
Stay on the mat, apply pressure to the scales.
Most pressure wins.
Whose attempt are we going to see first?
Do you smell that?
It's a sort of, uh, Petery smell.
That's right. Petery smell.
I can use anything in the Taskmaster ranch?
All the information you need is in the task.
Nah, mwah, nah, nah, na.
Is it too dumb and oversimple just to push something?
Seems too simple to me.
Where are you going? To get some things!
Is that going to be long enough?
Is there a reason you chose that particular one,
or was it either oar?
Nice. Thanks.
Nup.
So I've got to be on the mat. That's right.
I cannot leave this mat. That's right.
No leaving the mat. That's right.
Oop. What?
Here we go.
Whoops. Who would have foreseen that?
Could I put something there?
I mean...
..yeah.
Yeah, hold it, hold it.
You need consistent weight.
OK, I've missed there. Yep.
(GRUNTS)
Is this good television?
Depends how well you do.
Still a zero, unfortunately. Mm.
20.5, 19.5, 21.1 20.1.
(GRUNTS)
And it's off.
20.8, 20.1.
19.6. 19.2. 18.8.
Push! I feel like I'm doing a home birth.
I'm on the floor of a bathroom pushing.
Do you want me to hold your hand?
Epidural is what I'd like.
19.6, 19.1.
18.5. You're reducing.
These scales are no good.
This is going to get consistent pressure?
Yep. (GRUNTS)
Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
Zero.
What's the time, Tom? Check your...
50 seconds left.
21.5. 20.2.
Tom, can you go and press that as hard as you can, please?
OK.
Can you press it with both hands with all your strength?
Yeah. 7.4. Write that down.
16.9 16.5 has been locked in.
25.9.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Ah!
Did you register it from there?
Yes, I did, with my voice.
It's not really what registering means, though, is it?
I can register to vote from my computer.
Are you OK?
Sure.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Mel, you registered the weight from the mat
because you can register a vote on a computer.
Just to register for something - anything -
voting, if that's what you want to talk about, um...
You can get on the sex register from your laptop.
Yes, you can.
Is it wrong that when I heard the phrase 'sex register', I thought,
"Where do I sign up?"
(LAUGHTER)
Now, Rhys and Pete,
I feel like you picked the most obvious way to go at it.
Do you think it will be enough?
It felt like too much work.
I didn't like this challenge, to be honest.
I didn't like this task.
I don't weigh myself a lot. There's enough bad news online.
Um...
It was the most maddening task,
I think, we'd gone through, at that point.
Like, I lost my (BLEEP) mind.
So what are the results?
Mel's weight was 7.4kg,
Pete, his weight was 16.5kg
and Rhys's weight was 25.9kg.
(APPLAUSE)
Who do we get to see throwing their weight around next?
The first two letters of his name
are the types of batteries we put in the scales.
It's Aaron Chen!
"You cannot move the mat."
That's right.
But you can move the scales.
Can you?
Easy.
Yep.
(LAUGHTER)
Is there a reading?
Yeah, it's just...
It's just 20.5 kilos.
Alright, we're gonna try it cold.
18.2.
I wonder why that's 18.2 kilos.
It does seem a bit...low, doesn't it?
Should I go more onto it in the middle?
Yeah.
More.
Yes!
It says 39.8.
And it's in pounds. Is pounds heavier?
I think it's close to broken.
I'll get a safety one.
Zero kilos.
You weigh nothing? Yep.
It's keto. One second.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
How do you think you went?
I didn't consider the machine breaking.
See you later, Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Aaron, in a previous episode,
you were very concerned about property damage...
..because Lesser Tom here damaged a lock on a shed.
Well, after Tom had done that heinous crime, um,
I started committing the crimes that were modelled to me.
(LAUGHTER)
So what was the best measurement he got?
'Cause there were a few different measurements.
None of them, I think, were the weight of the truck.
Not even close. 39.2 pounds.
Which you asked whether that's more than kilos.
The answer is no.
Um, then we had 2.5 stone, which was 15.8kg.
Then we had zero kilograms.
At that point you'd broken the scales.
But the first registration was 20.5kg.
You didn't take the soggy ground into account?
I did not consider that at the time, um, Your Honour, and, um...
I did think about that a lot when...when the task was finished.
That came to me, kind of like Einstein,
but instead of an apple, it was mud.
What was the relevance of the apple to Einstein?
(LAUGHTER)
Can I just ask about, aren't you supposed to be on the mat
the whole time?
You didn't have to be on the mat the whole time.
The weight needed to be registered from the mat.
Yeah, there's many ways to interpret it. Anyway, keep...
There's one more scale poker or prodder to come.
Why not go and weigh yourself and then your car
and feel good about yourself?
See you after the break.
Come on back inside.
Leave your slippers at the door,
tie the cords of your jimjams and settle in for story time.
What are we doing, Tom Cash-Converters-man.
The contestants are trying to register a weight
from the mat on scales that are up against a wall-slash-bathroom floor.
OK. Who's up next, Pookie?
I love it when you call me that.
It's Concetta Caristo.
Can you go on there?
What the for? Can we go on together?
Shit. She's coming up dry.
Can I use anything?
All the information you need is in the task.
Feels like we're moving in together.
Where should we put the bath? Usually the bathroom, right?
I want it in the lounge room.
Is this a dumb joke?
Is it on? Oh, it's not on.
Are you serious?
Are you stupid?!
Wasting my... Start the time again!
You're bollocks.
Well, that can't wait 0.0, can it?!
I'm gonna kill you!
I'm losing my mind!
Come on, tell me.
What...what's going on?
Why is this not showing up?
This is stupid. Is this broken?
Tom!
Get in it.
Tom, it's on zero. Just tell me this is normal.
What about this is normal?
Oh! What's heavy?
I don't know.
Come on, you old thing.
What's the trick?
What is going on?
Can I move a car on it?
We could move the car on it. Are you serious? Then let's go!
OK. You wanna move the car? Yes!
OK. Tom...
Tom! I'm gonna cry.
Mm!
Do you want me to get on the truck?
This is a freaking joke.
I'm laughing.
Oh!
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(BLEEP!)
That's good, whatever.
Can you give me the giraffe? 30 seconds.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Quick!
10 seconds!
(GRUNTS) This is... (BLEEP).
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Thanks, Concetta.
This was broken.
Just so you know, this whole... whole thing's broken.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
So, did I win?
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I'm just realising? That was just a mat on the floor.
Oh, God.
Can you think about these idiots with their, "Oh, it's so hard,
"it broke my brain."
Well, what about me?!
It literally broke me.
And I was so mad at you, Tom, and you know I love you,
but I wanted to wring your little neck!
Probably the hardest I've ever had to try not to laugh in my life.
(LAUGHTER)
You just kept going at it. I'm just trying to...
That's how I just...
So, I'm trying to picture it,
because I'm thinking it's a generation gap.
Like, for me, I'd be like, "There are no cords."
But, like, for you, you're like, "Oh, it's bluetooth or something."
It's connected... Like, how is it connected, or...
I believe so wholeheartedly in the Taskmaster franchise
and the technology that they have that I'm not privy to.
(LAUGHTER)
I thought there's... (LAUGHS)
Like, I thought, like, in the end,
there's, like, cables through the floor,
and I just, like, needed to just try harder.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you know how much it broke my heart to watch Aaron
just take it off the wall?
Oh, my God.
Alright, well, I think we need some final scores there.
Obviously one point for Concetta,
two for Mel, three for Pete, four for Aaron.
And the winner of the task with 25.9kg,
it's Rhys with five points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright.
And how does that shape things up for tonight's episode?
Mel is drooling it back on eight, and Rhys is ruling it on 20.
Sorry for saying a mean thing about you, Mel.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
We'd better keep moving before Concetta starts
stomping and screaming at the scoreboard for not changing.
Get on up there for the live task!
OK, Lesser Tom, ease us into these easels.
Well, first, could our contestants please choose a random easel?
No, no. (LAUGHTER)
Please read that.
"Draw either a line graph about lines,
"or a bar graph about bars,
"or a column graph about columns,
"or a pie graph about pies,
"or a bubble graph about bubbles.
"Your graph type and subject has been determined by the easel
"you have stood beside.
"You have 90 seconds. Your time starts on Tom's whistle."
Alright, are we ready? (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh, you piece of shit.
OK.
So, Aaron has a bar graph, Mel is a bubble graph,
Pete is a column graph, Concetta is a line graph,
and Rhys is a pie graph.
Five seconds.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh, no!
Aaron. Aaron. Aaron.
Look.
Should I read it? Yeah.
"Each contestant must step one easel to the left.
"Explain the graph on your new easel.
"Best explanation wins.
"You have 30 seconds each to explain your new easel.
"Your time starts on Tom's whistle."
Alright, Concetta, you're first.
Hello. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hello, friends. This graph is both vulnerable and clear.
This is a pie graph of the amount of pies that I've eaten
in what time I ate them.
So, the majority, I'd say that's 90% was during COVID lockdowns.
And then the slither, maybe 10%, was all other time.
So I ate a lot, clearly, during COVID lockdowns,
and I don't eat them many times because they're crazy.
(LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Aaron. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Size of bubbles.
Thanks for asking.
Um, so, the size of a bubble.
Every bubble changes over its lifetime.
For example...
Goes from small to big, and then small again.
That happens in all facets of life.
Even in the bath.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Mel. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
OK, eyes need to be up here. No talking, Lachlan. Watching you.
OK, so...
That's the first warning. Next time is a phone call home.
Columns of the world.
That's right, that's what we're doing today
and what we have been doing all term.
So...so the columns that you may use on your test are tall column,
medium column, short column,
really small column.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(CHEERING)
Rhys. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hello, Weight Watchers.
As we see here, I've had a pretty rough week.
This is what I've consumed. Mostly I've loved KitKats.
Are they for friends and someone else?
No, I've eaten them all myself.
I thought I was eating a Snickers.
No, it was just a Picnic.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Yep.
(APPLAUSE)
Pete. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
This is a graph about how I feel about linedancing
and what it does to me, OK?
And everyone's different, let me be clear on that.
This is how good I feel, the vibes,
and this is how long I'm linedancing for.
So, as you can see, when I start off linedancing,
I'm kind of...I'm not really feeling it.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm not sure..."
But hang on, the longer I do it...
Here we go, here we go!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
I am linedancing!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) CONCETTA: Oh, my God!
Alright, we'll find out who the winner is after this,
because I've just seen a graph from the Channel 10 sales department,
and we need these ads.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
If you're joining us now, you've basically just skipped to
the last page of a brand-new book,
and all your favourite characters have died
and been replaced by AI androids who understand most things
except love, poorly drawn graphs and bathroom scales.
I suppose I'd better score the live task we just witnessed.
Just to be clear, I'm judging the explanation of the graphs, not...
Best explanation wins.
Right, so, straightaway it's pretty easy.
I think I'm going to give Rhys one because it was self-evidently shit.
Yeah. Then I'm gonna give Concetta two.
It was a good explanation, but a very simple one.
I'm going to give Aaron three
because he found more detail in the graph
than I had noticed just looking at it.
Then I'm going to give Mel four points
because the schoolteacher skills came straight to the front.
And I think just for sheer entertainment,
I've got to give five points to Peter Helliar.
Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
But who tonight has won our episode,
or, let's be honest, lost by the least?
Well, in fifth place, we've got Concetta with 11 points,
then we've got Mel with 12, Aaron with 16, Pete with 20.
But winning by one point, it's Rhys Nicholson with 21 points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoa!
Alright. Congratulations, Rhys.
Go on up the stage and face off with your
five "meant to be faceless" faced items.
Whilst Rhys gets close to their precious haul
and realises that despite the numerous advances
in neural mechanics, cold toast is still a pretty shitty prize,
can we have the overall season scores so far?
Yeah, well, I'd probably give summer a five,
um, probably give...
(LAUGHTER)
..autumn four...
Yeah! Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, for the show? Oh, for the show?
I'd be happy for you to drive from A to B again.
(LAUGHTER)
Concetta and Rhys are tied leaders for the series with 65 points each.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK.
And that brings us to the end of another episode
of Taskmaster Australia.
But what have we learnt here today?
Well, we've learned that even if Lesser Tom is allowed
into a nightclub, he'll be asked to leave soon after.
We've learned that the tensile strength of butcher's paper
is no match for three kilograms of paint.
And we've learnt that when it comes to scales,
Concetta truly does believe in magic.
(LAUGHTER)
But most importantly, we've learnt that Rhys is the winner
of this episode.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
How do you even do this bullsh...
Oh, (BLEEP).
Tom, you stink, and you look like an idiot.
(BLEEP) you!
I'm having a full-blown mental breakdown, Tom.
Keep your trauma at a level that we don't have to give out
the Lifeline number, OK?