This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Sarah. Alex.
You were victorious in Series 11. I was.
Morgana. You won Series 12.
Yes.
You won Series 13 of Taskmaster.
I did - unlucky for some.
It's the champion of Series 14.
DOOR CREAKS OPEN
Ah. HE LAUGHS
You didn't win Series 15. Why are you here?
I'm being a champion.
Mae Martin was the champion.
I was the people's champion, all right?
"Star in the best chase sequence."
"Alex will chase you."
"You have ten minutes"?!
"Your time starts...now."
TENSE MONTAGE MUSIC PLAYS
Don't forget your trophy.
HE LAUGHS
TASKMASTER THEME PLAYS
HOOFBEATS POUND
PLANE ENGINE WHIRS
TYPEWRITER PINGS
Ooh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello, thank you.
I am Greg Davies,
welcome to the Champion Of Champions!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight is a special night indeed.
For this, ladies and gentlemen, is our 150th episode.
ALL: Ooooh!
And what better way to celebrate this landmark
than bring together the best of the best?
Each of these champions have already owned the competition
to etch themselves into history by winning a previous series.
And also one of them is here
just because the champion was busy.
So please welcome back Dara O Briain...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Kiell Smith-Bynoe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Morgana Robinson... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sarah Kendall... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Sophie Duker! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And sitting next to me, my own little champion.
A man who confided in me following our Christmas drinks
that the first time he achieved an erection
was whilst watching Ross Kemp playing Grant Mitchell
in a particularly tense scene with his on-screen brother, Phil.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SQUEAKY: Little Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, Greg.
Ah, here we are, Champion Of Champions. Oh!
And the 150th episode. Are you buzzed?
Well, I'm buzzed that we've... we've beaten them.
We've got past Fresh Prince Of Bel Air - they only did 148.
Christ, that must be a slap in the face to Will Smith.
Oh! That's a joke, a joke!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And that's why I've got you this,
just to show you what you mean to me -
a little locket for the 150th episode.
If you can open it up, a little gift -
that's some of my hair, some of my tears and a tracking device.
OK, good. What's the prize task category
for this all mighty competition, young fella m'lad?
If you must know, it's this - the best thing
that you would wish for if you had one wish from a genie.
Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Something we've all wondered hypothetically
but in my case it genuinely happened and I now own...
..an air fryer.
Right, let's begin.
In series order, Sarah Kendall, what did you bring us in, what wish?
Well, I've always thought that I would quite like
to beat the shit out of someone. Yeah.
And so, I have wished for a black belt.
A black belt in karate.
OK, this just feels like a thing you'd genuinely like to do
with a bit of spare time, Sarah. You need to talk it up in some way.
But it...it takes years.
it takes, like, a decade to get a-a black belt.
That's why I've asked a genie,
because I can't commit to anything and I have no discipline, so...
I've got bad news for you - the genie's bored.
Oh!
I hate you so much!
I'm so sick of trying to make you happy.
Thanks, Sarah. Morgana.
Right, so...
Er, just you know it's going to, it's not... No, no - try. Like...
Isn't it? It's an uphill... LAUGHTER
So, you know, there you are, you know...
Here I am. ..shopping.
Yeah. Asos package, dog, phone - it's too much, it's too much!
What we need is a spare pair of hands,
so, like, I've got the shopping, I've got the umbrella. Yeah.
You order the Uber. Right.
Imagine the mornings, you know, like the admin - so quick.
What do you mean, a spare pair of hands?
A spare pair of hands. On me.
Oh!
Attached to her stomach.
"Sorry, I'm just texting can you make the toast?" "Yeah, sure."
I mean, I don't mind that, I quite like the idea of...
Yeah, I like it. Hello, Sophie.
I think the reason that we're all here today
is because we want love.
We all want the love that Greg and Alex have.
ALL: Aww.
And that is why I would wish for
the Taskmaster couples cosplay kit.
Here it is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm pixelated because I'm not wearing any pants, presumably?
That's the Task-member. OK.
It comes with a pixelated treat.
If you close your eyes a bit,
you can really make out the shape of your cock, though. If you just...
All right. Good, thank you. All right, Dara?
The task was, "What would you wish for from a genie?"
It has to be something that would change your life
and in a very fundamental way that you don't have.
And it's pretty obvious what I don't have.
So, I wished for hair.
CHEERING
Here is Dara's prize.
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What I'm baffled by, Dara, is, of all the wigs you could've chosen,
why did you choose the wig of a 65-year-old woman?
It's got a bit of a pink rinse on it there, hasn't it?
Really, that's just the light of the wine dancing across my hair.
Er... But also, it should be pointed out,
that is very much in the public.
There's a photograph of me with some people who literally said,
"Do you mind if I just step in here for 30 seconds?"
And went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Then took a photograph, and then, walked away.
You've put the effort in, I'll give you that. Kiell.
Greg, you're a pretty successful guy.
I think people want what you have,
and that is someone to do things for them.
So I wished for an assistant.
And I've also got it in real life.
So, the... There it is.
AS ALEX: "All the instructions are on the task."
Yes, all the information, all the information... Oh.
APPLAUSE
He's pretty good. Just so you know,
the little puppet was made by Mae Martin's dad.
AUDIENCE: Aww! MORGANA: Stop it!
Yeah, my wig is made from Mae Martin's mother's hair.
OK, let's go. One point to Sarah. Two to Duker.
LAUGHING: Dara put himself through hell,
and that's why I think it's quite funny
to only give him three points. Right.
What?!
Most people will never be able to afford a little assistant,
and I think everyone would like that. Four points.
And, Morgana, who wouldn't want some hands growing
out of their sides? Five points.
There we go, five points to Morgana Robinson! There it is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right, let's see them flexing their big series champion muscles.
Growl!
And for this one we've gone back
to our favourite bandstand for din-dins.
Come on.
This way. Are you going to propose to me?
I don't think I will. OK. All right.
OK, so if you could sit on the little stool, that'd be lovely.
Yeah, OK. It does spin. Yep.
OK, I'm just going to leave you for a second, Dara.
LAUGHTER
KIELL: Er...
DARA SIGHS
Oh!
"Be the best waiter."
"You must serve Alex all his food, drink and cutlery
as it is currently set."
"If you drop or spill any items,
"you must clap for a full minute or else you will be disqualified."
All right, no r... "No running." "No running."
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.
Where the fuck's Alex?
APPLAUSE
So it's obviously a mystery to unfold
as to "where the fuck" Alex is.
I just want to make it clear now -
if you clap for less than a minute, you're immediately disqualified.
Blimey, Greg. KIELL: OK.
Sorry to be serious...
..but I'm getting a little bit sick of people
getting on social media and giving me grief.
OK, let's crack on.
First to serve the servant are Morgana and Dara.
Is that Alex there?
That's Alex, isn't it?
Only he would wear a hat like that.
All right, I'm just going for this,
while I work out a plan for the rest of it.
Alex!
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Oh!
It's the wrong one. It's Andy.
Oh, for God's sake.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh!
Why are there hats in other houses?
Is that Alex?
I reckon that's a minute.
BUZZER AUDIENCE: Oh!
OK, I'm going to rethink this.
Can I borrow your hat?
Up a thing? Down a thing?
Is he up a tree? Is he by the river?
Cos you wouldn't have just buried him a mile away.
Where the fuck is Alex?
Where the shitting arse has Alex gone?
I'm going to call him -
can you call Alex and ask where he...?
Sir.
Morning, Morgana.
Would you like your five-star breakfast? Yes, please.
Where is Alex?
Where is he?
Morning, Dara. Hi. How are you?
I've kind of forgotten what I'm supposed to be...
So, that goes here, and that goes here.
They're all there, are they? They're all there.
This is way longer than a minute.
Oh, very clever.
It is a very blowy day.
Can I have a sip of this?
Can't remember what the rules are.
HE SLURPS
HE SPITS
Your chickpeas, sir.
APPLAUSE
OK. Do you want me to stop the clock? Yes, please.
Should I stop the clock? Er, yeah, right now.
Ah. Oh, now you have to clap for a minute. I don't.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, I didn't expect my hard ruling to tragically play out so soon.
We did provide a little timer.
As if you would trust an egg timer that you guys gave us.
Was it a minute long, that timer? No, it was a two-minute timer.
It was a two-minute timer. Thank you very much.
Dara, I've always hoped that the rumours
about waiters spitting in people's food and drinks was made up
but apparently that's true, is it?
Honestly, if you have to carry a drink which is very full,
you can use your mouth as a pouch, er...
"As a...as a pouch"? "As a pouch"? As a pouch.
And when I de-pouched, I made sure I was behind a pillar
so he couldn't see the de-pouching occur. Yes.
It wasn't until I saw the footage back... You de-pouched. Oh.
Now here's Sarah's attempt.
Oh.
All right.
Oh, f....
Ah!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
You're all right.
Oh, for fuck's sake! No!
Yes!
Yeah, that's not Alex. Those hands aren't Alex's.
Shit!
Alex! Alex?
Oh, f...
Hi, Alex.
Just the way you like... Oh!
So what...? Why is there a dog in the restaurant?
Oh!
It's not how they normally serve it here.
They're really sticky from the egg.
Is there a better way to do this?
Ugh.
No! Grr!
No, no. Argh!
No... Grr!
Oh, dear.
Oh, here comes the rain.
Fitting end, isn't it?
OK, well, um... Want me to stop the clock?
RAIN HISSES Yes.
I'm going to eat my breakfast now. You can take cover.
Bye-bye. Goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Best waiter" is difficult to define, but... Yes.
..I guess I don't want my waiter to throw all of my food into a bag...
..and amble over like a lost vagrant.
She definitely clapped enough. But I... That's something.
I did... This-this task went for so long that Alex actually said,
"Sarah, you might want to move along -
"we've got quite a few tasks to film today."
OK, good. Time for a break.
It's around this time that your New Year's diet plan normally crashes,
doesn't it? Just accept it, you're never going to change.
Toss a tube of Pringles down your gullet
like the weak-willed human pelicans you all are.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to our third Champion Of Champions special.
We are currently in the middle of a task
which sees them all trying to find me
and deliver me a meal as it was presented to them
in the bandstand. Only two people left -
one is Series 13 champion Sophie Duker,
and the other is the guy who played Mike Cooper in Ghosts.... OK.
..Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
I can decant?
AUDIENCE GASPS
I don't want to do that. LAUGHTER
OK.
Not going to drop anything.
This is deliberate displacement of chickpeas,
and it's been for absolutely nothing.
Right, let's go.
Where's Alex?
I'm not going to run, I'm going to skip.
So screw all of you and your horrible rules.
Oh! Come on!
Argh!
SHE PANTS Phew...
Yeah, of course. It's the second one.
ARGH!
Ah!
Where is he?! Oh, no!
I've been done. They've done me.
Alex?
Alex!
How did he get so far away so quickly?
Hello. Have you seen Alex Horne? No.
Have you seen Alex Horne? No?
You guys going to help me find him?
Alex Horne. Al... HE SNIFFS
Nope.
Hi.
Do I get a clue?
Where is he?
Oh... Oh, you...
I hate you!
Morning. I hate you so much!
Are you ready to eat? Yeah.
Will you come with me? OK.
Come on. Right. AUDIENCE: Oh!
Argh! Bloody waste of time!
What's happened here? Ugh...!
I mean if a drawn pineapple can be a pineapple, then this can be an Alex.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There you go, Alex, sir.
I found him.
Stop the clock? Yeah, thank you.
Alex, your food is served.
If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know.
Enjoy your meal.
APPLAUSE
Sophie, what would your definition of a good waiter be?
I think they should show enthusiasm. Nice.
Accuracy. Should they be calm?
No. Effic...?
You don't think they should? No!
What do you want from a waiter?
Passion.
OK, well, I thought it was clever, bringing Alex to the meal,
fair play. Thank you.
But I think if I'm going to disqualify people
for clapping for not long enough,
I can't allow you to bring any old dummy over and call it Alex.
Greg, Greg, that's nothing like that.
The reason it was put there... Yep? ..was for us to think it was Alex.
Correct. It was a...it was "Alex".
Remember how angry you were when you looked?
"Argh! That's not Alex!
"Or is it? It is now I've changed the rules."
No!
And Mae Martin's going to be furious.
Kiell's furious! Come on, bruv.
So, in which case, zero points to Kiell
and zero to... I'm afraid so. ..to Morgana. Yeah.
So it turns out, Sarah, you're getting three points,
despite taking 51 minutes and 20 seconds.
ALL: Oh!
Sarah clapped for longer than anyone took to do the whole task.
Dara took 18 minutes, 42.
Sophie - 18 minutes, 20.
So it's four points to Dara, it's five points to Sophie Duker!
There we go.There it is. CHEERING
I would like to see a scoreboard, please.
Dara and Sophie have both got seven points.
APPLAUSE
It's tight at the moment.
OK. More, please.
OK, but I'm not sure this task is going to help anyone.
It's me from earlier.
Yes. You came second in Series 15.
Yeah, you keep banging on about it.
"Give yourself a disadvantage for the next task."
"Most severe disadvantage wins."
"You have two minutes to announce your disadvantage."
"Your time starts now."
What would Mae do?
I could make myself really heavy.
I could make myself really...wet?
No.
I may choose something that I think is a disadvantage
that turns out to be an advantage.
Like...?
Spider in my pocket.
Click my fingers the entire way through the task.
Click my fingers the entire way through the task. That's...
Yeah, that's not severe, though, is it? That's not severe.
Could you handcuff me, please? Yes.
I'm gagged and, er, I have to remain mute.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Stuff some satsumas in my mouth.
For the whole task? Yeah.
And have one hand in my pocket.
And that's what Mae would've done?
It's not NOT what Mae would've done.
One hand will be tied behind my back,
and the other will be constantly clicking out a jazzy rhythm.
You're going to attack my self-confidence
and I'm going to make myself feel terrible.
Yeah? OK? Great. WHISTLE BLOWS
OK. Thank you, Sarah. "Thank you, Sarah"! Thank you, Sophie.
Wow. Yeah, you're starting now. Yeah.
I feel terrible.
APPLAUSE
What I like about the, er, clicking out a jazzy rhythm
as a disadvantage during the task is your face,
cos both times you started clicking, you immediately went...
Let's crack on. OK. Let's see what they've got to do
with the disadvantages they gave themselves.
Boo!
AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS
Oh! Wow!
We're all thinking it. That hurts.
Hello, Dara. Before the next task... Yes?
..would you mind just stepping into the caravan,
choosing a hat and coming out of the caravan?
Oh, absolutely, I'd be delighted to.
Have you chosen a hat? Yep. Can I see it?
Lovely choice.
Terrible choice.
Now there's a task for you in the letterbox.
Now I know what it's like being a vet.
It's like being a vet? I think so.
MUFFLED: "Put your ha' on
"the 'ask'aster's head from the 'urthest 'istance.
"The 'erson 'urthest fro' the 'ask'aster
"when their ha' 'ettles..."
HE SLURPS
"Put your hat on the Taskmaster's head from the furthest distance."
"The person furthest from the Taskmaster
"when their hat settles on the Taskmaster's head wins."
You have 20 minutes.
Have you read the final line?
You have, haven't you?
"Your time starts now."
Oh, dear me, the others read it much better.
Just more intonation.
OK, all right, yeah, it's a bit, but you're going too far.
Just getting started.
APPLAUSE
Well, first things first, what do you mean it's like being a vet?
"Oh, yeah, she's six months pregnant. There we are."
SHE MAKES SLURPING NOISES
Are you suggesting that vets reverse to a cow?
It's only manners.
All right, let's see some action.
Yes, well, we're going to start with Sarah Kendall
and a Morgana Robinson with hands cuffed behind her back.
Have I got 20 minutes?
Bit less now.
You want me to put the hat on the Taskmaster?
No, thank you. This the Champions.
Arseholes. Arsehole...
Ow!
Well, I've just realised that's not even going to work.
And why's that?
Because the...the f...
Guys, how long have I got?
Only 12 minutes left.
Trouble is now you've Sellotaped your sticks together.
Oh, no!
Ow.
Taped it really well.
Oh, this is a disaster. Yeah.
Oh, my fucking hat.
Got it.
Seven and a half minutes, Morgana.
Get that hat on that head.
Like a pizza, like a pizza.
Like a pizza! Argh!
You're going further back each time? Yeah.
Like a pizza.
Oh, so close!
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Ah, ah...
Just got to put a hat on his head.
Yes! APPLAUSE
Yeah, I mean some hats got on the head ultimately,
but, it seems to me, from quite close.
Yes, I mean it is impressive, in a way, that Morgana achieved that,
cos you kind of forgot she had her hands handcuffed,
cos she did the same method as someone who just couldn't speak.
Yeah.
Morgana was exactly one Rowan Atkinson - 1.80m -
and then it was one Robinson and half an Atkinson,
so that's, er, 2.51m.
You're using a Blackadder measuring system, is it?
Well, it's all Atkinsons, actually,
but I've chucked in a Robinson for Sarah. Right.
Break time. We must stop so the champions
can refresh their addled bodies. See you in a few minutes.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to the third part
of this Champion Of Champions clash.
Yes. Hi, everyone, I'm Alex Horne,
a Virgo just like Beyonce and Salma Hayek.
Before the break, the champs had to scupper themselves
with a disadvantage for an unknown future task.
We now know that task was to get a hat
on the statue of Greg from the furthest distance.
Now it's the turn of Dara,
who chose to click the fingers of one hand in a jazzy rhythm
and tie the other hand behind his back,
and Sophie, who is a worthless scumbag.
LAUGHTER
My God, this is different. That's the shed. OK.
Your outfit's quite impractical.
Where's the start of this?
Not been much clicking for a while.
No, it was, I've been clicking the entire way.
The point of clicking was when my hand isn't doing something else.
Ah...
Sophie... Uh-huh.
..Dara has 68 times as many Twitter followers... Why...?! ..as you.
It's actually called X.
What's the problem here, Dara?
DARA MUTTERS
Do you know Morgana Robinson?
Er, no, not well. Oh, she's won a BAFTA.
Sarah's had her own sitcom.
All right, I need to get the ice. Ah.
Just so you know, Kiell's name is worth eight more than yours
in... OK. Mwah! ..in Scrabble.
Ah!
Let's try it, let's try it.
Oh...no.
Oh.
You know, Sarah Millican got more points than you in the series.
Sarah Millican wasn't on my series.
I know - you would've come third in Dara's series. OK.
And Dara's been doing comedy since you were four years old.
He- he really knows what he's doing.
No, wait, wait. What?
OK. Eggs, hat, ice, hairdryer. Power on!
HAIRDRYER WHIRS
Right, test from here.
Oh!
I mean, it worked but I did it too soon. It did kind of work.
Can I try it one more time with a different block of ice?
So that's not on his head? It's not on his head -
it's wedged up by a loo roll. OK.
Yes! WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Ah, look at it, it's perfect. It's exactly the way he'd wear it.
This is going to blow your socks off, Alex.
Power now!
HAIRDRYER WHIRS
EPIC CHORAL MUSIC
AUDIENCE: Aww!
MORGANA: No!
Oh, I'm so sad!
Amazing!
I mean, just what a system. Yeah.
Did the insults start to get to you after a while?
Because they were surprisingly vindictive.
They were just... Like I didn't expect him to be that personal.
They were just quite specific.
I was let off the leash briefly and I really enjoyed it.
I thought yours was genius as well. The, er...this...this... Now.
AUDIENCE MURMURS This seemed to, er...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ..fall away somewhat.
I specifically said "in a jazz style",
and the task happened between the notes.
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Bearing in mind it only just... It was sort of on there anyway.
No, it was sitting on the loo roll, wasn't it?
Is there any controversy about that?
I want to wait till I've seen mine first.
Just the satsuma man left, then.
Yes, finally we're going to let a regular guy called Kiell
have a go at the task... Oh-ho!
..with a mouth full of satsumas.
MUFFLED: Put in on 'is 'ead? Uh-huh.
A 'adder.
'ere's a 'adder?
'old 'is.
Mm.
Mm. 't's on 'is 'ead.
Well, it's on the ladder.
'adder's 'n 'is 'ead. "The ladder's on his head"? Mm.
What do you want to do?
'ick 'm u'.
Oh, my 'od.
Where's he going? 'ie 'm 'own.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
'at 'ime is it? "What time is it?" Mm.
Quarter past three. ANGRY MUMBLING
Four minutes.
Aha! Aha!
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. 'eep 'oing. Keep going? 'eep 'oing.
I'm sorry, Greg.
KIELL STRAINS
Is that better? I 'unno.
Aha!
Mm-hm, mm-hm!
It's on his head, is it?Mm. Mm-hm! ALEX LAUGHS
Oh! Ah!
Ow, my jaw. Fuck you, Alex.
KIELL SPLUTTERS
What was your eventual technique, then, Satsuma Man?
Tell me if you disagree... OK.
..I put you piled enough shit around the head
and randomly lobbed a hat toward it
and it rested against the head kind of.
Wrong. Wrong?
I created a funnel-like system...
..and therein created a...swoop... and...
..and created what you have there, which is a hat on the head. Yeah.
It just have to settle on the head.
He did have one hand in his pocket the whole time as well,
which you barely notice, I think. I didn't notice - I was too busy
looking at the drool coming from his mouth.
I pouched it.
APPLAUSE
Distances? Distances.
So Morgana was the closest, we know - one Rowan Atkinson away.
Sarah, the next closest.
Then Sophie - the attempt that did work,
you were exactly two Rowan Atkinsons away.
Kiell, you were three and a half Rowan Atkinsons.
But Dara was nine and a half Atkinsons
when the hat finally settles. Wow.
So he gets the five points for that half of the task. He does.
Well done. APPLAUSE
And then, Greg, you've got to judge which were the worst disadvantages.
I mean, Morgana and Kiell clearly disadvantaged themselves the most.
So five points to both of them? Five points to both of them, yeah.
OK. I wouldn't have given Sophie many points
until I saw it in practice - it was actually quite horrible. Yes.
So I found the others to be...
If Old Jazz Clicker had kept it up a bit more...
I think I'm going to group them together, is what I'm saying.
All joint third, then? Yes, three points each. Three points each.
There we go, three points to the rest. There we go. Well done.
What's next, Alex?
We have the best of the best doing what they do best.
Oi-oi!
Is it...? Is it not part of the thing?
Oh, is it genuinely not part of the thing? OK, fine. Er...
ELASTIC SNAPS Argh!
There we go.
Er, can I throw the table at you?
"Do something really stupid."
"Most really stupid thing wins."
"You must not hurt yourself or anyone else."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Did you do many stupid things here before?
SPLASHING
HE SNORTS AND BLOWS A RASPBERRY
# Ah-la-la-la-la... #
Perfect, perfect.
On this show? No, never.
Um...
APPLAUSE
I can't wait to see it. Let's see some action. Yes, good.
We're going to begin with Stupid Kendall and Dumbo O Briain.
Good luck.
Can I have the rubber band back?
I mean, it's not really...
Oh! Stupid. What's stupid?
What's stupid? What's stupid? What's stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What would be stupid?
Ow.
Alex? Yes?
I need you to spin me around.
I could just sit here and wait for it to come off.
Just concentrate until the rubber band comes off my head.
Nnh...
Wahey! APPLAUSE
Off we go.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Nnh...
Are you feeling all right? Yeah.
OK. There you go. Shall I leave you alone?
Yeah.
These are my house and car keys.
KEYS JINGLE AUDIENCE:Oh!
OK, now spin me around again.
Sir ordered stupid.
You've still got 13 minutes and 30... Oh, look...
Look, I'm honestly... I think, you know, we're-we're, you know...
I'm happy to give this time over to scien...
HE LAUGHS
Hup! What are you doing with the bike?
I'm going to take it with me to find the keys.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh...!
Did it land up or down?
I didn't see it land. All right.
Hang on, this one's going to go in a second.
Um...
By the way, your 20 minutes is up. WHISTLE BLOWS
So now this is just on your own time.
I'm never going to find it.
Oh, my God, it's a dead bird!
Oh, God.
Oh, I want...I want a soundtrack, I want tension music. Mm-hm.
MUSIC PLAYS It's an international format,
quiz show format -
you've a panel of celebrity guests wondering who's behind the paper.
Ah-ah-ah! I can see them! I can see them! OK.
It's exciting, isn't it? Is the music swelling?
Oh, more violins. MUSIC BUILDS...WITH VIOLINS
WHISPERING: Oh, the tension.
Ah! Oh...
Got 'em!
OK, thanks, Sarah. I think we all want to go home now. Yeah, sure.
Don't go to an ad break now, don't cut away now.
SLOW-MOTION:Ah-h-h-h-h! WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Wow, you ridiculous man.
When you put the three bands on, it dug in so deep,
it-it looked like you had a screw-top head.
Yeah, it did change the colour of my, er...of my cranium.
Er, which I was not expecting.
You know if I was a betting man, I would've put a lot of money
on what the face was going to be behind that piece of paper.
Sarah, just stood with a bucket
but I thought it was saved by the house and car keys -
I was not expecting that! How long were we there, Alex?
Well, we'd already had 51 minutes down the bandstand, clapping...
..and we had another hour and 20 looking for the keys.
AUDIENCE GASPS An hour and 20 minutes?!
MORGANA: So stupid. Yeah.
Both very stupid.
Very soon, I will crown our next Champion Of Champions,
and that person will have won a nice new wig
and some stomach hands - you will come back for that!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. It's the final part of our Champion Of Champions special,
and our champs are doing something pretty stupid.
Bunch of bloody idiots. And the next stupid attempts
come from our incredible champion, Sophie Duker,
and Mae Martin's stunt double, Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
Kiell. Do you like magic, Alex?
I might do. No? What about this?
Bendy. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, Greg, it's me, Sophie D.
I'm going to do what no-one's ever done
and told you the truth about you.
You think you're so cool but you're not -
you're just tall and wearing a suit.
What's this? That's a golf ball.
Golf ball, whoa!
Really? Yeah. Magic.
Oh, wow!
This is the respect that I show the Taskmaster.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Cheers! Cheers.
Want to pour? Uh-huh. There you go. Right.
Do not spill Alex's tears. Right, OK.
Ahh!
You're nothing but a big burger, Greg!
Tastes like the truth.
That's actually delicious.
Do something really stupid. You're doing it!
Don't spill those tears. BOTTLES RING
Oh, no.
Wrong hole.
I imagine you think I'll be rewarding the cleverness of the idea
and not taking the insults to heart.
I don't think it's clever, I think it's stupid.
Oh, it's a terrible risk, bearing in mind how thin-skinned I am.
I blanked a newsreader recently
for an incident that happened three years ago.
What did they do? Yeah.
Well, I can't tell you because then they'll know who it is.
Kiell, I'm beginning to think
that Mae Martin might take legal action against you.
You dressed as a magician
but then you passed things to Alex through a wagon wheel.
And those things were a golf ball
and then two bottles that you'd labelled his tears.
LAUGHING: I mean, it's quite stupid now I've said it out loud.
All right, let me just explain what happened, right?
I thought about when you handcuff someone through a thing. Yeah.
So I was like, "That's what I'll do.
"I'll get Alex to hold something that he can't drop..." OK.
"..and put it through a thing that he can't get through."
And what happened was I passed him the bottles
through the wrong holes.
He was genuinely stupid. He was genuinely stupid,
but I think really we're looking for people
who are stupid in a thoughtful way.
There is one person left.
She likes to make an impression, so get ready for Morgana Robinson.
EPIC CHORAL MUSIC
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SARAH: Yes!
Wow, I mean it's almost art.
And it was both wilfully stupid and...dangerously stupid?
Yes, we do have to say please don't do that.
Please don't drink paint.
There was a lot...a LOT of paint. It was a lot, full stop.
I filled her up.
Didn't pouch it. No.
That was just spectacular.
What was the most sensible thing? What was the least, do you think?
LAUGHING: It's him.
It's him because he was stupid by accident. So it was really stupid.
It didn't say in the task to do it deliberately!
It's inferred, though.
You can't just BE stupid.
LAUGHTER One point.
One point to Kiell. Well done, Kiell. Yeah.
I'm going to give Sarah two points.
And Sophie was stupid, three points. I'm going to give Dara,
the performing rubber band man, four points,
and Morgana five points.
There we go, Morgana with five points. Well done.
Here we go, then -
please head to the stage for your final, final task!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Young fella m'lad.
Here I am. There they are, the four champions.
LAUGHTER
Who's going to read it out?
Not him. Sophie Duker.
"Don't say the Taskmaster..." That's you.
"Don't say the Taskmaster's favourite thing.
"Alex will say a category.
"One at a time, you must shout a thing that falls in that category
"within two seconds of the previous person.
"If you pause, repeat, make a mistake
"or say the Taskmaster's favourite thing, you are eliminated.
"Last player standing wins."
If there's any hesitation more than two seconds,
Greg will strike the gong and you must sit on the elimination bench.
The first category is...
..vegetables.
Carrot. Beetroot. Aubergine.
Beans. Parsnip.
Potato. Kale. Cauliflower.
Um, sprouts. Petit pois.
Broccoli.
GONG CRASHES
We have lost Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
Sit down on the elimination bench, please.
APPLAUSE Off you go.
Greg, what was your favourite vegetable?
Spinach.
MORGANA: I knew it was spinach. Spinach. Oh!
The next category is animals bigger than quite a small chair.
Kangaroo.
Giraffe.
Elk. Bison.
Deer.
Rhino. GONG CRASHES
It's his favourite animal bigger than a chair!
We've lost Morgana Robinson.
Well done, well done. Harsh.
This time, it's parts...of the body.
The knee.
Foot.
Ankle.
Ear.
Hand.
Philtrum.
Cranium.
Nose.
Cheekbone.
Ankle. GREG: Oh!
GONG CRASHES
It's the second ankle.
We've lost Dara O Briain!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Greg, what is your favourite part of the body?
The perineum.
It's the final. It's Sophie versus Sarah.
And it's you first, Sarah. Mm.
Names...beginning...
..with G.
Georgina. Greg.
GONG CRASHES MORGANA:Ohhhhh!
His favourite name is Georgina.
We have a winner - it's Sophie Duker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm so sorry.
Listen, we'll add that to the final scores.
Come down and join me!
GONG CRASHES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we all are.
Four people walked in as champions today - and Kiell -
but only one can walk away as the Champion Of Champions.
And who knows?
Perhaps they'll get to host a third Taskmaster podcast.
So, Alex, please create history.
I can tell you there is no-one in last place today,
because two people are in joint fourth, and they are...
..Sarah Kendall and Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
CHEERING
In third place, please give it up for...
..Morgana Robinson.
CHEERING
And there is just one point separating first and second.
ALL: Ooh!
With 21 points, in second place...
..it's Sophie Duker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Then Dara O Briain is our new Champion Of Champions!
Please go and collect your genie-worthy prizes
and then complete your Taskmaster trophy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll see you again soon but, for now,
please applaud the new Champion Of Champions,
Dara O Briain!
CHEERING
FANFARE
CHEERING
CLATTERING
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media