Hello! And welcome one and all to this very special Taskmaster treat.
I am Greg Davies, the Taskmaster.
I judge who will win, and have a bod made for sin.
Over the next hour, five people that no-one ever predicted
would appear on the same show together will try their best to
please me in a fraction of the time
it usually takes people to please me.
Can't feel a thing down there.
Come the end, we'll either wish we had them for a whole series,
or heave an enormous sigh of blessed relief that they've gone.
But what's the prize for this swift sacrifice of dignity?
Why, it's a symbol of hope that the world has been craving.
That's right.
Tonight's victor will win my mighty golden eyebrows!
[audience gasps]
So, sit back, relax, shut your mouths,
and enjoy the most ludicrous jumble of celebrities you'll ever see
on television this year.
Please welcome John Hannah!
[cheers and applause]
- Krishnan Guru-Murthy! - [cheers and applause]
- Nicola Coughlan! - [cheers and applause]
- Rylan Clark-Neal! - [cheers and applause]
- And Shirley Ballas! - [cheers and applause]
And now, for a man that is forever generous with facts and figures
as he is uncomfortable talking about sexual intimacy.
It's...
[high-pitched] ...little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
- Hello, Greg. - Hello. Feeling festive and celebratory?
I'm feeling curious, Greg.
Who's going to be struck by the Taskmaster Curse?
[he inhales sharply]
Every year, Greg, someone is struck by the Taskmaster Curse.
- Oh, OK. - Every series.
One of them has lost their wallet or purse.
Who's it been in previous years?
It's always dressing room #4, the one next to mine.
- Ah. - [laughter]
Who's been affected by the curse?
I nicked Krishnan's wallet. But I put it...
I took one item, as I always do, as a souvenir.
- OK. - [laughter]
Let's crack on with the show.
These people are professionals, mate.
- Shirley's a Strictly judge. - Yes.
Well, what's she gonna think?
Well, she's gonna be relieved she wasn't in dressing room #4.
[laughter]
Good, let's crack on with the real show.
What's our prize task category for this one-off special, Alex?
It's the best thing to bring to a party.
There'll be five points for the person that's brought in the best
thing to bring to a party.
And, at the end of the show, the winner will not only take home
your eyebrows, but also all the key ingredients for a brilliant bash.
- John Hannah! - Yes.
- Welcome to the show. - Thank you very much.
What is the best thing that you would bring to a party?
I was a Christmas party at my sister's a couple of years -
not a Christmas party, I popped in to see her.
And she's quite game-y and things.
So, she had one of these, like, Bop It things.
- The children's game? - Yeah.
Yes, John Hannah has brought in this.
- [Rylan] Oh, that's lovely. - Thank you.
John, you're the only film star we've ever had on this show.
- Thank you! - And I just wasn't expecting a Bop It,
I'll be honest with you. I'll tell you what this has done,
this has ruined my John Hannah story.
- Oh... - It's like, "Oh, yeah, I've worked with John Hannah recently.
"Yeah, he..."
"Yeah, he brought a Bop It with him."
[laughter]
Good. Krishnan, can you beat a Bop It?
Well, I'll tell you the answer - yes.
[laughter]
I figured any party is going to be improved by disco lights.
Here it is. Be prepared.
- Ooh! - [Rylan] Oh, that is mystical.
[Alex] 15.99.
Is that how much it was?
I used to go to the disco two or three times a week.
I don't want to be mean, but you do sound like you're lying.
[laughter]
I put it to you, Krishnan, that you've not been in a disco
for 34 years.
That's... also true.
Which is why I now take the disco with me everywhere I go.
- Yeah. - But it would make your party better.
- There's no doubt about it. - I tell you what it would do.
It would make your party slightly better than John Hannah's party.
[laughter]
I have to disagree with that.
I mean, it's relaxing to know that we've found our bottom two.
[laughter]
Thanks, mate.
Nicola, can you save this show?
- Absolutely. - What have you brought to the party?
- I've gone for the obvious choice. - OK.
A real human skeleton with a bottle of tequila.
- Thank you. - Here it is.
- At last. - [Rylan] Lovely.
Someone who's serious about parties.
There's nothing worse than a boring party.
If you show up with that, that's not going to be boring.
And you can make up stories, like, "This is my aunt."
"And her wish in her will is I carried her everywhere."
Then, they'd be like, "I went to this mad party,
and your one had a dead person."
That's what I normally look like after a bottle of tequila.
- Rylan. - Greg.
You're under stiff competition. What do you take to a party?
So, I think we're all of an age where the hangovers last
- a little while longer now. - Oh, God.
Mine last for exactly four days, and for three of them, I cry.
- [laughter] - Thank you. Thank you.
And I'm the sort of person, especially like New Year's Eve,
if everyone goes up like 3-4 in the morning,
and if I know that floor's dirty, I can't sleep.
Doesn't matter how pissed I am - one-eye Gabrielle, I can't sleep.
So, I think if I went to someone's house party, I would bring this.
Which is a robot vacuum!
- [Alex] Yes, it is. - So, at the end of the night -
pissed, one eye, dreams can come true.
- Press the button, off you go to bed, you wake up to a clean floor. - Yeah.
- Hello, Shirley. - Hello.
What will you be bringing?
If I was to take something to a party like this,
I'd want to walk in -
I would have my trolley, I would have the alcohol,
I'd have the glasses and my record player, and I would wheel it round,
and I would have an absolute blast.
I don't know about anybody else, but I would have a good time!
This is Shirley's trolley... here.
- Oh, that's lovely. - Yes!
[Krishnan] I want to win that.
I could wheel it round, spin it round, do a bit of cha-cha-cha...
Sky's the limit.
I mean, my God, I can't take my eyes off the woman!
[laughter]
I mean, it's just a wondrous, wondrous thing.
And, you know, when you were describing it,
and I looked at the beautiful vision that would greet me while you
sauntered around it, I imagine -
not for a second during that whole description did I think,
"But who's going to Hoover up afterwards?"
[laughter]
How do you take it to the party?
- I'll get it in the back of my truck! - Of course she drives a truck!
That fits nicely in the truck.
Then I get out in my little maid outfit, and wheel it up the path!
- [laughter] - She's in a maid outfit!
Of course she's in a maid outfit!
She was already in one in my mind!
[laughter]
Right then, Greg. Do you want to start with these two,
- then your top three? - Yeah. OK, I'm sorry, John.
The Bop It's in last place.
[Alex] One point to John Hannah.
Two points to the newsreader with a tiny light in his pocket, obviously.
Rylan gets three points purely because he sold it well.
- First and second place? - Four points because, I mean,
it's weird that she's bought a dead person, but at least there's
tequila with it.
And five points - I mean, it goes without saying.
- Shirley takes it. - Five points to Shirley Ballas!
Oh, my goodness! I actually got some points!
[applause]
OK, let's properly kick off this very special show.
What have we got, Alex?
Well, I'll tell you what we got.
We got dis!
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Rylan.
It's not your leg, Greg.
Ooh.
Oh-ho-ho! A doughnut with a hole.
[Alex] Do you like what you see?
I do, actually, yeah.
[John] Is that for eating?
[Alex] It's up to you, which you want to go for...
I better leave it there, in case it's something
that's required later.
Ah...
[he laughs]
It's a good job I didn't eat the doughnut.
"Get the biggest thing through the doughnut
without breaking the doughnut."
[he chortles]
He's a filthy bastard.
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
[Krishnan] There's not a lot of ways to misunderstand that.
It has to go through the hole?
- Biggest in what sense? - It's a good question.
I mean...
...something really big ain't gonna fit in that hole.
So, you've essentially come in wearing a costume that is meant
to look like you're riding on my back.
But really, it just looks like my face is on your penis...
[laughter]
...as far as I can see.
- That is filthy bastard. - That is filthy bastard.
And yet, gut instinct tells me that this is gonna damage
Krishnan's career more.
[laughter]
- It's that disco light... - Seems so unfair, doesn't it?
I think we should look at what they've done with these doughnuts,
and what they managed to get through them.
Simple task, Greg. We're gonna start with Krishnan Guru-Shirley.
- [Rylan] Ooh! Very clever. - Oh, a very clever play.
So, have you got some sort of, like, tube or pipe
that is probably about half an inch bigger than that?
- I'm thinking something long and thin. - Are you, now?
Oh, look at you, with your big, long pipe.
Let's have a look.
Like, if I tied two things together, would they be one thing?
- Leave the pipe with me... - Yes. - ...and you find me a knife.
I could, like, tie this to this.
You see... I'm going to attempt to make this hole a bit bigger.
This is like a fishing rod for a... very large fish.
It's not like that game, is it,
where if I touch the sides, it goes buzz?
[Alex] It might be.
[she chuckles]
[Alex] Well, you made the hole bigger.
Ta-da!
That is a very big thing through my hole!
Actually, could've probably got it on a bit bigger pipe.
[Alex] Do you want me to get you a bit bigger pipe?
A bit bigger pipe. Should we try it?
I can't help but feel I'm kind of missing something.
There's probably a way to get a sofa through a doughnut, isn't there?
[Shirley laughs]
You got over-optimistic with that one!
I believe in you, Shirley.
No. Not even if I took it right to the rim would that one work.
Done.
I think.
It's a long fishing rod with a...
With a fish on the end.
- [whistle blows] - Thank you, Krishnan.
It's big, it's long, it's round, it's fat.
And that doughnut is sitting on it.
Uh-huh. Give it a bit of a shimmy.
Shimmy, doughnut, shake it!
[applause]
[laughter]
I hope this doesn't seem disrespectful, Rylan,
but when I heard you were booked, I was A, delighted, and B,
I suspected you would drag this show into the gutter.
But Shirley Ballas, it would appear,
is the person I should have kept my eye on.
You said, "Ooh, look at you with your big pipe."
[laughter]
"Not even if I took it right to the rim would that one work."
- [laughter continues] - Is that rude?
And then, correct me if I'm wrong...
...you shook your chest at us.
It was a shimmy, darling!
I mean, honest to God, just... thank you for awakening a fire.
- Life starts at 60, darling, let me tell you. - Incredible.
So many things I want to talk about with you, Krishnan.
The question you asked - "If two things are tied together,
do they become one thing?"
Which fascinates me, given that you deliver my news every night.
Do you think that if a couple are holding hands,
they are now one creature?
They are a couple. That is one thing.
It's a very clever justification.
The thing that slightly detracts is you asking whether the doughnut
was electrified, and it might buzz when you pass things through it.
[laughter]
I imagined combining some of your responses on this with your day job,
Krishnan, and I wrote down this.
"Saddam Hussein has been deposed as American forces topple Baghdad."
"And in other news, there's probably a way to get a sofa
through a doughnut, isn't there?"
[laughter]
But I am impressed.
I like the man's logic.
Well, if we're counting it as one object,
his was 5,000 cubic centimetres.
Whereas Shirley's pipe - 9,000 cubic centimetres.
- So, it is bigger. - I mean, that was like, that was gold, wasn't it?
OK, I'm going to show you Rylan and little Greg having a go.
Here we go.
You go right in the bush, Alex. Get in the bush.
- Bit further... Are you in? - I'm in.
Just slide it towards you, like, no, no, that's the...
Yeah, are you alright, Al?
I'm alright, Ry.
OK, come with me.
Come with me... and then, turn it.
That's it. That's perfect.
- Has the cow got a name? - Not yet.
How about Linda? That's my mum's name.
- Oh. - So, she'll like that.
- Will she? - No.
Yeah, OK. Let's do it.
Right, Alex, you ready to see the biggest thing you're gonna see
come through my doughnut?
[he hums tune]
Ooh! Where is it?
[humming continues]
Hello, Linda!
[humming continues]
[Shirley] Those high kicks!
[applause]
- Very good. - Very good.
[Nicola] So good.
I don't know if this is going to annoy Krishnan or not...
It does sort of annoy me, actually.
- Yeah. Pretty clever, isn't it? - It's clever.
The cow is the biggest thing so far, but it's up to you whether
it's gone through the doughnut.
- Well, I'll mull on it, shall I? - Alright.
Right. Advertising break.
Time to buy some more plastic stuff.
Or you could pop outside and run through some woodland
with your loved ones before the oncoming environmental apocalypse.
Up to you!
[cheers and applause]
Hello! And welcome back to the second half of the first half
of our special little treat.
We're just seven people living the dream.
Before the break, our part-time contestants were trying to get
the biggest thing through a ring doughnut.
So far, we've seen Shirley, Krishnan, and Rylan's attempts.
Now for John Hannah and Nicola's.
A sing... a s...
It's a single thing, it's not...
...a bunch... it's not a bunch of things.
Oh, my God.
Start with that.
I don't suppose it has to stay on its stand, does it?
Like that, you can do that as long as you don't break it, right?
So, there you go, that's good.
And that's quite long, which is big.
Ooh. Yeah, that should go.
That's not bad, is it?
Through... there you go. Yeah.
- Are there any spare doughnuts? - To...?
- Nibble. - To nibble?
- Yes, I can get you another doughnut to nibble. - OK.
Golf ball. There we go, for a start.
The stick'll go through.
This'll go through. Right.
- One doughnut for you, Nicola. - Thanks!
Oh, OK, this is a test doughnut, as well.
- Did you trick me into getting you a test doughnut? - I didn't.
OK, I can make that taller.
[Alex] Yeah.
[she squeals]
[objects clatter]
This is my youth, spent doing arts and crafts,
it's finally... finally coming good.
Stuck my hand together, that's a bit of an issue.
Want a cup of tea?
Oh. Right, got the doughnut wet. That's not good.
This could be going for a while, couldn't it?
Nice. This is going to look amazing.
Let's try that giraffe. I was looking at that giraffe earlier.
How does that go?
[he laughs]
Now for the trousers.
That's amazing!
Now the shoes...
I don't think there's any improving on perfection, so...
- [whistle blows] - Yeah. There we go,
that's your 20 minutes up.
It's a wee bit on the milky side.
Do you like it?
[Alex] You know what, I really do.
- I'm going to have a sip. - Go on, then.
It's quite nice. Honestly.
Thank you, John.
[applause]
- Did you really spend your youth doing arts and crafts? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - What about it?
- I put this to you. - Yeah?
- The only thing that's through that doughnut is... - Yeah?
...less than a centimetre of cactus tip.
I said to Alex, "Is it through?"
And Alex said, "Yes."
He misled you.
Why would you do that to me? I thought we were friends.
- Yeah. - Did you?
- Yeah. - No-one's ever said that to me.
I can't believe you've turned on me like this.
- Yeah, he does that. - Yeah.
- He's no loyalty to anyone. - Two-faced! - No loyalty to anyone.
I'm sat here between the sexy and brainy side,
and then it's old chump in the middle!
[laughter]
So, I see how it is, I see it. Ooh, yeah.
- You bet big on that cactus being through the doughnut. - I did.
And you fucked it.
[laughter]
John, I had high hopes for you
- when you started passing film through... - Yeah.
...but then, just kept passing things through the doughnut.
I thought you were very brave, actually, for passing things that
could've broken the doughnut.
Well, I am brave.
You thought he was brave for, what, getting the toy giraffe
through the doughnut, did you, Krishnan?
I would not have had the courage to pass the toy giraffe...
- Yeah? - ...through the doughnut.
Christ, it really does work, having a news presenter.
I almost started to believe it was important,
passing a giraffe through a doughnut.
It does work!
He did make one enormous cup of tea.
- That was the biggest of the items, of the many items. - What was it?
1,500 cubic centimetres. Big cup of tea.
So, if we're taking one of his attempts, it's going to be
- the cup of tea. - Yes.
This is gonna drive an even bigger wedge between you and Nicola,
because I am going to allow Rylan passing the cow
- through the doughnut. - [Shirley] Oh, good for you.
Well, the cow is the biggest thing - it's 800,000 centimetres cubed.
No, no, hang on. But the image passed through...
[Rylan] No, just shush! He's made his choice!
No, the image passed through - so when you measure the image...
You'd have to find out what the aperture was, and then,
the aperture would be two-dimensional,
as opposed to three-dimensional.
So, it would be a lot less than the 1,500 cubic...
"Ooh, I was in a film!"
[laughter]
- I thought we were friends! - We were!
Greg, are you saying he got the whole cow through the doughnut?
Do you know what?
Just because I know it's gonna annoy people on the internet, yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah, he got the cow through the doughnut.
- Come at me! - [laughter]
- Come at me! - In that case, Nicola's little bit of cactus was the smallest.
Then it was the cup of tea.
Then it was the fishing rod and fish extravaganza.
Then it was Shirley's massive pipe.
- But the winner, with five points, is Rylan Clark-Neal! - There it is.
[cheers and applause]
- Alex. - Yes? - Can I have the scoreboard, please?
We can. We have an early leader, and that leader is
Shirley Ballas with nine points!
- [applause] - [Rylan] Go on, Shirl.
Lovely. Right, another task, please.
OK, it's time at last to get all touchy-feely.
That's terrifying.
- Can I come in, too, please? - Oh, sorry.
- It's alright. - Yes, of course you can.
Thank you. I'd like to watch what happens.
- Oh... sorry, Alex. - Thank you.
[she chuckles]
- Is that Play-Doh? - Oh.
Would you mind putting on the long, black gloves before you open it?
No, I don't mind.
OK, this is starting to feel weird.
It's very Ballas.
They work.
"Sculpt the scene on the other side of this wall."
Other of the side of this wall.
[he laughs] What?
"Most accurate sculpture wins."
"You have 15 minutes."
How do I do...?
I'll put my hands in it.
I don't like this.
[laughter]
[Krishnan] Look away...
I have been some of the world's most dangerous places.
And that was scary.
[laughter]
Let's see how they got on with sticking their arm through a wall.
Alright, Greg, it's montage time!
Ooh, it's warm. It's got ears!
That's a man!
Tickle, tickle.
Is this act... this is actually a person!
Oh, hang on... [she laughs]
It's got eyes!
It's got a mouth! It's got glasses on.
And it's got whiskers, so it's a man.
Oh, OK.
[he shudders] I think I know what it is.
- Hello. - Hello.
- No, I'm trying to speak to the person. - Right.
'Cause they're allowed to talk. I'm just not allowed to look.
- Is that right? - They may not talk, because they're a scene.
Can I ask you to turn around, please?
You can manipulate them however...
Alright, I'm going to manipulate you, don't mind me.
[Alex] Quite rough there, John.
I am quite rough. I'm from up north.
[Nicola] Sorry about this, sir. What kind of hat is this?
I feel like it can be, like, a policeman's hat,
or like an army hat.
Maybe he's got blue eyes.
Yeah. Ooh. They feel blue, do they?
Green eyes are very rare, aren't they?
- Let's go with blue. - You can feel them.
No, I can't put my finger in someone's eye.
Not really sure what I'm doing with this.
Have you got trousers on?
Is there another hole?
[Shirley] Got good pecs.
[she laughs] And muscles!
Oh! Ohh!
I'm sorry, scene!
- Mm-hm. - Oh, thank God for that!
I think he's got a big stick.
I think he's probably like Mr Muscle Man,
'cause he feels very muscular.
[Alex] Yeah, you mentioned that.
I might get a bit abstract.
I fucking know what you are.
[Krishnan] What's that?
Ooh, he's got something with a nub.
What's that? He's holding something!
- It's a duck! - That's a duck.
Why would you be holding a duck?
[Nicola] How quick was that duck?
Have you ever seen a duck quicker than that?
- That's a little duck. - Is it?
Here I come again!
Ooh, there's a new addition.
Found something across the eyes.
I think it's like a Superman mask, or something.
[Rylan] It don't have to be standing up, does it?
[Alex] Most accurate sculpture wins.
Scene? Can you lay on the floor?
I feel like I'm making a cake, like I'm on Bake Off, or something.
Right, what colour's your hat?
Is it purple? Silver?
With a little bit of panic and a lot of determination...
[Rylan] Azure? Lemon? Russet? Grey?
I think that's about as far as we get.
- [whistle blows] - Ta-da!
What colour's your fucking hat?!
[whistle blows]
[applause]
The human being behind the thing was largely referred to everybody
as "It" throughout.
Then he became a character in your world, "Scene".
Well, it's more polite than "It"!
"I fucking know what you are!"
- I... Yes... - [laughter]
That was really polite.
Why were you trying to hit him with the mallet?
No, I wanted to know if they had trousers.
So, I tried to make a new hole in the wall.
Krishnan, I saw a moment during this where I think you realised
for the first time what show you were on...
[laughter]
...when you said, "Why would he be holding a duck?"
Extreme rationalist.
[laughter]
Very different reaction from Nicola, whose reaction to feeling a duck
was to make the quickest duck she could.
- It was insanely fast that I made that duck. - [Alex] It was the fastest duck.
- It was like it's a thing you've done before. - I know, I know!
"OK, it's a duck. I know how to make those,
and I know how to do it quickly."
John's technique is a little rough-and-ready, I think.
Well, I didn't have the benefit of an arts and crafts background.
Yeah, but when you feel someone up, you feel 'em up proper.
Yeah, in a Northern way.
And that's great.
But unfortunately what that leads to is you mistaking glasses
for a superhero mask.
- Not necessarily, I was interpreting. - Oh.
People are talking an awful lot of shite today,
I'll tell you that for free.
- [laughter] - Jeez Louise.
Right, we're going to see what hideous monstrosities they managed
to slap together right after this... ad break!
[cheers and applause]
Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster!
For one night only, we're lucky enough to have four popular
entertainers, and a baffled and frightened newsreader.
[laughter]
During the break...
...Shirley Ballas dropped her mic and pack into the toilet.
- I did, I did! - [laughter]
Alex, remind us what was happening before the break.
They were trying to sculpt a scene without seeing the scene -
the scene being a crossing guard or lollipop man holding a duck
and a nice big lollipop.
The first sculpture we're going to see is Rylan's effort.
- Ready? - So ready.
[everyone gasps]
- Now, hang on. - Yeah?
I don't know if it's good.
- Why?! - Shall I show you what he was trying to sculpt?
This is the lollipop man.
As a side note, you're quite right, Shirley.
He's a powerhouse.
[laughter]
And then, here is his interpretation.
- [Greg] What's the purple thing? - [Alex] That's the duck.
That's the duck. Scene had lovely blue trousers on.
And that is the reflective strips of a lollipop man's outfit
for the children in the dark.
You know, he is good, Rylan. He's a good salesman, isn't he?
Thank you.
It doesn't matter what horseshit's up on the screen,
I start to believe him.
Let's see someone else's. It's very good, Rylan.
Next, we're going to see Krishnan's. This is his effort.
- [Greg] Oh, my God! - [Rylan] Oh, what is that?
[Alex] The face is very powerful.
That's almost the exact same face you had when you went...
"Why would he be holding a duck?"
[laughter]
It looks like an eyeless ghoul to me.
- Well, he said it's an old man with a normal-size nose. - Right.
In the frame, I'm quite pleased with that.
Is that what they say in the art world, is it?
"I'm pleased with it in the frame." Is that a thing?
Would you like to see John Hannah's in the frame?
Well, yes, anything to get away from that scary ghoul.
OK, here is John Hannah's in the frame.
- [Nicola] Oh, no! - [Rylan] Oh, my God.
[Alex] He said he thought it was a member of the Swiss Guard.
Right, and if it had been a member of the Swiss Guard,
you'd be scoring big now.
[laughter]
The more I look at it, the more I'm enjoying it.
Make what you will of that.
Alright, well, do you want to see Nicola's slightly shorter version?
Yeah, let's have a look.
- So, she said it was a little Irish man called Paddy. - Yeah.
- [John] The duck's great. - Thank you.
Yeah. We know she can do a speed duck, that's been established.
[Nicola] Isn't it amazing how accidentally Irish he looks?
He looks like that old man in the pub who you're like,
"Go home to your wife and kids!"
Oh, the guy who's holding the duck in the pub?
That guy, yes, that's exactly the one I mean.
There he is, anyways.
- What's the, erm, orange disc? - [Nicola] Taskmaster sign.
- [Alex] That says "TM". - [Greg] Oh, yeah!
- One left to see, Greg. - Shirley!
She's the only one who did it on a different plane.
- She did it on the wall itself, and it looks like this. - Right.
- [laughter] - Oh...
It's not that hard to judge it, I'll be honest with you.
What do you think of the duck?
[chuckling] I mean, it's rubbish.
[laughter]
It's not...
You know, art is not debatable.
There will be people out there who look at that and think,
"Yeah, that looks like a lollipop man."
There's no-one out there that'll look at that and go,
"That's a lollipop man" in the whole country.
- You think? - Yeah.
Tell you what, Greg, do you want to see all five
- with the lollipop person? - Yeah. - Here they are.
- [Greg] Oh, God. - [Nicola] Oh, Christ.
- I'm gonna tell you the winner first. You ready? - I'm ready.
Well, clearly, Rylan's old man is the closest to the scene.
- OK, five points to Rylan! - Five points to Rylan.
[applause]
Krishnan's eyeless ghoul will take second place.
- Well done, four points, Krishnan. - Four points.
And then, no-one is more surprised than me about this, John.
John Hannah takes three points.
I'm doing worse than the haunted baby?
You are, because the haunted baby is closer to the scene.
Amazingly, you are going to take home some points on this occasion.
- Two points... - [Alex] Right.
...for your lost, Irish big-duck man.
[laughter]
And rightly, in final place,
it's whatever Shirley has created there.
- One point to Shirley Ballas. - There it is!
[applause]
One last task, then, please, Alex.
Of course. And this one is outside, Greg, giving us a sneak preview
of our trendy new outdoor area.
Here we go.
[Alex] Oh, hi, John.
You had a nice time in there?
I kind of like it. I used to - when I was younger,
we went on our holidays, we started off going in a tent.
Good tent, you know, big-size tent, then we went caravanning.
It was great.
This is... I mean, I'm quite small.
- You are. - Yeah.
Why is that, then?
Didn't eat my vegetables.
"Build the lightest tower on this set of scales."
"You may not move the scales or tape anything to them."
"And you may not tamper with or block the fan."
"The fan will be on for one minute every other minute."
"At the end of ten minutes, your tower must be taller than a wolf."
[John] Wolf. King penguin!
Wow, who thought a king penguin was bigger than a wolf?
Er... I need a step. Definitely.
"And stand by itself for ten seconds. Lightest tower wins."
Are you not going to read the rest till I get you a step?
Yeah. I refuse.
How do you measure the lightness?
I was thinking of using the scales.
Are you, now?
Ooh, yeah!
Look, I'm nearly as big as a four-year-old now.
Powerful.
"Your time starts now."
"Also... every time Alex rings his little bell,
you have to pretend you've had a brilliant idea."
[applause]
That one was only for Rylan.
Yeah, we didn't have to do that.
I'm just delighted to hear about John Hannah's history of caravanning.
I was going to do a podcast.
A show that is waiting to happen.
[laughter]
You could call it "John Hannah-vanning".
- John Hannah-vanning? Lovely. - If you want.
I knew it wouldn't be long before he tried to get in on the action.
- It's our idea, John. - It is our idea. - Yeah, yeah.
- Let's see their attempts. - Alright.
Well, Krishnan, as usual, thought the set-up was weird.
First of all, we're going to see the judge, the John, and the journo.
You just need a good base.
[Shirley cackles]
- What were you laughing at, Shirley? - Me!
I've got a thing about pipe cleaners.
[cackling continues]
Give a girl a pipe cleaner...
That's over wolf height. 2,100 grams.
Quite heavy.
- Why did you pick a duck? - Because I collect ducks.
- Do you? - Yeah.
How many ducks have you got?
I've got about 12 yellow ducks.
This is like my kitchen at home, it drives me nuts.
Loads and loads different teas that I don't want.
[John] Can I break this?
[Alex] I think you're strong enough.
145.
That's what... I think might be as high as a wolf.
- The pièce de résistance! - Yes.
But it's not gonna be heavier, and it's not gonna be any bigger.
- It's just gonna look nicer. - Yeah.
That's actually 165g. That's 20g, that feather.
You going to set fire to it?
Well, it said the "lightest tower".
I think this might be good because it might lessen the weight.
I give you... the lightest tower.
Ahh!
- [whistle blows] - That's your time up, Shirley.
That's not bad! Come on, that's not bad.
- [whistle blows] - That's stayed up, Krishnan.
- Congratulations. - Thank you very much.
I think it does look better with the feather.
- But now it's a tower, because it's got a base. - Yeah.
- A top and a purpose. - Yeah.
Thanks, John. I'll put all these things back in the shed.
[applause]
I've got a pitch for another TV show.
Great, do you want a name for it?
Yes, it's Krishnan's Too Many Teas.
[laughter]
Krishnan's was 190g.
But then, he lit it and burnt off 5g of tower.
So, it became 185g.
His weighed exactly the same as a hamster, just for reference.
- They're pretty light, aren't they? - Yeah, pretty light.
I also figured you couldn't just get one tall thing.
It's not building a tower.
- You could get three. - Two.
And it could end up being a majestic, befeathered...
[Alex] Do you want me to check befeathered, or are we happy with that?
No, I'm gonna go with befeathered...
A majestic, befeathered tower.
Which I was much relieved to see in the end, John,
because you started off by just balancing rubber bricks
on top of each other.
Sometimes you have to, you know...
Do a bad thing before you get to a good thing.
- He was like a legless hamster. 160g. - Right.
And how does that compare with the woman who claims to have a
duck collection with just 12 ducks?
[laughter]
She's lost, hasn't she?
Her tower weighed the same as a hamster who has swallowed
a Category C battery.
So, that's 265g in total.
- OK, so... - Third place at the moment.
Three parts down, and one to go.
Join us soon to see a highly successful famous person take home
some dirt-cheap disco lights and a Bop It.
Feel the adrenaline high!
[cheers and applause]
[applause]
Hello and welcome back to the final part of the show.
Not long to go now until someone claims this finely crafted trophy.
Yes, Greg. I thought this was a silly show,
but it's got quite eyebrow lately.
Why don't you shut your sweet mouth?
[laughter]
Before the break, they were trying to build
the lightest tower on a set of scales.
John Hannah is currently in the lead with a score of 160g.
- Yeah! - He tried a few different ideas along the way.
So, in the end, there were four reddings and a funeral.
Four readings and a funnel.
OK. Next up, it's Nicola and Rylan. Here we go.
Lightest tower...
- Oh, fuck. - [bell rings]
Oh, I've had a really good idea.
I was thinking about science.
I was gonna do an opposite...
[laughter]
But actually, that's only a small fan.
I like the idea though.
Tower. Tower.
Lightest... tower.
Lightest tower.
I need a tower and a light,
I need a tower and a light.
Argh! It'll work. But that's pretty...
Will that work? Uh-uh.
[Alex] You've got 2 minutes 45.
What?!
You never said that!
I think it might have mentioned it on the instructions.
Not good!
[Alex] Is there anything you're looking for in particular?
Not really.
I'm trying to work out how I can cheat.
[bell rings]
I've had a really good idea.
- [Rylan] A-ha! - [metal clanking]
Oh, come on!
The lightest tower.
[laughter]
[bell rings]
Oh, I've had a really good idea.
[Nicola] Hang on...
Has anyone ever used that before?
The task? These lads are very light.
I've done such a good job of taping it.
Ugh!
[Alex] What is it?
A lightest tower.
[Alex] It's got to be on the scales.
Oh, let's doll it up then.
Oh, shit!
Stay there!
In 15 seconds, you're gonna have to let go.
Argh!
Fuck's sake.
[bell rings]
[bell rings again]
Oh, I've had a really couple of good ideas there!
I'd love to hear it.
I would as well.
[whistle blows]
How tall is your tower?
Meerkat.
- I'm done. - [whistle blows]
Not only is my tower light in weight, it is bright
and light in luminosity.
[applause]
I mean, you're like car salesman sometimes.
Fine with it.
I've got some bad news for you coming.
Erm, I see your art and craft background kicked in nicely though.
Kicked right in there, didn't it? [she laughs]
There was one point where you just scrunched up some paper
- and you thought it was going to support itself. - Oh, yeah.
Not even the Three Little Pigs were that thick!
[laughter]
I think what I was realising is that maybe
my self-esteem is too high and I have too much self-belief.
'Cause I thought I did really great on everything
and it's surprising that I didn't. [she laughs]
You did keep saying, "I think this will be brilliant."
- [she laughs] - What did Nicola actually end up with?
She was the only one who came undone with the fan.
So she came up with nothing in the end.
No, I didn't. I had a roll of blue roll.
- Yes, but it wasn't taller than the wolf. - No points...
- Oh, that's not nice. - ...unless it's taller than the wolf.
Shall we deal with Rylan's or not?
The task was to build the lightest tower. Did he build a tower?
- Yeah. - Of course he didn't!
- How did I not build a tower? - I knew you were gonna do this.
Of course you did! Do you wanna buy an X1?
[laughter]
How did I not build a tower?
Well, the other thing it said was,
it had to stand by itself at the end.
Bring that picture back up
and I will show you how that was standing by itself.
- I will, you can see it there... - There it is. Look at that!
There. That is a tower.
It's like the Shard.
- I think you... - [laughter]
I think you should start a cult or something. It's compelling.
- He is. - You said, "I've had a really good idea."
And I found myself going, "He has, he has."
[laughter]
Shirl, lovely Shirley Ballas, Shirley, is that a tower?
That's a tower of sorts.
God bless your family, Shirley Ballas!
Oh course! Well she can be in your cult now, can't she?
[laughter]
You have to judge this. I've done my job.
Yeah, and I'm gonna.
And I'm gonna judge it big time.
Tell me the facts first.
OK, in order of heaviness we have Shirley, then Krishnan.
The lightest tower so far is John Hannah.
That's brilliant. Well done, John, and I applaud that.
[laughter]
Rylan's was lighter, but was it a tower? Was it a self-standing tower?
OK, of course it wasn't.
Right, well he's judged it big time.
We're saying Nicola's also got zero points.
- Three points for Shirley... - I'm afraid so.
Four to Krishnan. Five to John Hannah!
- [applause] - There it is.
It was simple, it was a tower, it was beautiful,
and it wasn't horseshit.
- Can we see a scoreboard please? - Oh, Jesus!
Well, it's tight at the top, Greg. Nicola only has 7 points.
- [Nicola] Oh, Christ! - But three people have 13.
Krishnan, Rylan and Shirley. Here's the score.
Wow, that is close.
OK, everyone. We're nearly there, but for now,
please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
[Greg] Welcome!
Right, who's gonna read the task out?
I would like Nicola Coughlan to read the task, please.
- OK. - Good luck, Nic.
"Without your fellow contestants seeing,
select one object from your box."
"If you select the same object as one of your fellow contestants,
you will both lose 1 actual point. You have 30 seconds."
- [Rylan] Oh... - Simple as that. Your time starts...
[whistle blows]
There are five things there, Greg.
There's an anchor, a balloon, a cabbage,
a diagram and an equilateral triangle.
- Fascinating. - [whistle blows]
- OK... - John Hannah, please stand and reveal your item!
[Greg] Bam! It's a cabbage.
Krishnan, please show the Taskmaster your item.
- [Greg] Bam! - [Alex] He's gone for the equilateral triangle.
He has.
Nicola, please show the Taskmaster your item.
What if I don't want to?
Reveal it!
Krishnan, you ruined my day!
[Rylan] The drama!
Would you like Rylan to show you his thing?
Reveal your thing!
- He's gone... - Lovely. - ...for the diagram.
- Diagram of the bath! - Let's see it, Shirley.
Reveal it, Shirley!
It's a cabbage.
It's the cabbage. I love this vegetable.
That's why I picked it.
I've heard you've got a collection of 12 of them.
[John] Just 12?
You have no idea.
OK, Ballas and Hannah have lost points.
Nicola and Krishnan have also lost points.
Rylan sitting pretty now at the top of the leaderboard.
Yeah, what's the bin about, though?
The bins and the bathtub's gonna be explained, because
Krishnan's gonna open his bin and read the second part of the task.
Oh, no.
"Strike the most balls into the bath with your object."
[Rylan] Oh, for goodness...
"If any of your balls touch the Taskmaster,
you lose 1 actual point. You have one minute."
Are you ready to see Krishnan Guru-Murthy
- try to hit a ball with a triangle? - Do you know what?
I've been waiting for you to say those words my whole life.
- Your one minute starts... - [whistle blows]
OK...
[Alex] So Nicola has not hit any balls yet with her triangle.
Neither have you, neither have you.
[Alex] No, neither have I. That's true.
- [Rylan] Why can't I hit the ball? - [Greg] Try a different technique.
[Alex] There are balls in the bathtub.
There are balls in the bathtub!
- Have any balls struck you, Greg? - No.
Oh, they're getting closer!
- Oh! Oh he's been struck by a red ball! - A red ball struck me!
- Hannah! - That wasn't me.
That big boy did it and ran away!
[laughter]
[Rylan] This is broken.
- You have 30 seconds left. - [Nicola] What?!
Oh, another red ball stuck me!
Well, it's fucking... You're in my way!
- A third red ball struck me! - You're in my way.
Nobody else is gonna be hitting balls in that direction.
- I'm at a disadvantage here! - [Greg] Use the side!
Use the side of the triangle!
Four balls by John Hannah!
That's 'cause I'm the only one that's firing in that fucking direction.
You've got three seconds left.
[Nicola] No!
- [Rylan] No! - [whistle blows]
Stop!
- Oh, my God, that... - [buckets clatter]
[laughter]
Anarchy!
- [Alex] Guys... - Would you all please come and join me down here,
and we'll see how that's affected the final scores!
Well... John hit me four times.
[laughter]
It was only twice lacking in deliberation.
It's nice that you confess your crimes early doors,
because I said, "Poor John shouldn't be punished 'cause I'm
right in his firing line," and Alex said,
"He was firing them at you on purpose."
[laughter]
- So John Hannah loses 4 points. - Correct.
There are 0 points in that round for Krishnan and Rylan.
- They didn't get any in. - Really?
I'm only surprised because I couldn't take my eyes off Nicola.
[Alex] Yes.
Nicola, using a triangle, kept using it with the open side as the bat.
I was shouting at you, "Use the side, use the side."
- But... - Oh, no! Yeah.
But she did make contact properly once and one ball did go in.
[Rylan gasps] Nic!
[applause]
- I'm amazed. - [Rylan] That's... that's worth a win.
- So am I. Oh, my...! - I'm amazed.
One of Hannah's went in too, so they actually come in joint second
and get four points each for that task.
But all four are cancelled out for John.
Serves you right!
And what about Shirley?
- What about Shirley Ballas? - What about her?
I mean, Shirley Balls more like. She got two balls in the bathtub.
[she laughs]
- [applause] - [Rylan] Shirley Ballas!
Two balls!
What a perfect way to end, Shirley.
Two balls, indeed.
There's a runaway winner, Greg.
John and Nicola share last place with 10 after all that.
Shirley Ballas has got 17 points!
- [cheers and applause] - What?
Shirley Ballas wins our special!
Please head up to the stage to claim your party prizes
and then raise your eyebrows in victory!
Oh, my God!
- I actually won something! - [cheers and applause]
Well, there we are. That's an end to it.
Now, what will become of our fearless five?
Well, we know that following the broadcast of this special,
there'll be at least three brand-new TV shows.
John Hannah Caravaner will be a big hit.
Crap Craft With Coughlan is gonna give us all hope.
And when people are clearing out all the useless tea
out of their cupboards, they're all going
to want to watch Krishnan presenting the Channel 4 Brews.
As for Shirley Ballas, well,
she'll be expressing herself with a flourish,
locked behind the doors of Rylan's two-person cult.
Join us soon for another full series,
but for now, let's see our one-off winner celebrate their career high.
It's Shirley Ballas!
[cheers and applause]