HE GRUNTS
HE SIGHS
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Yeah!
Um...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome, everybody, to the Taskmaster New Year's Treat.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes it's our once a year chance to turn our backs on the
wretched army of comedians and shine the unforgiving light
into the face of those famous for other things.
Sure, these people have achieved success in their chosen fields,
but will they fare well at completing pointless tasks
under the watchful eye of a lanky despot
and his hairy snaggle-toothed boy servant?
Doubt it!
In the event of one of them being slightly better than the others,
this is their prize.
Ooh! It's a golden pair of Daddy Big Fun's eyebrows.
"What bizarre combination of individuals have been
"strong-armed into the colosseum of nonsense this year," I hear you cry?
I shall tell you! Here they are. Please welcome
Deborah Meaden,
Kojey Radical,
Lenny Rush,
Steve Backshall,
and Zoe Ball. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me is a man who confided in me that his ritual for New Year
is simple. On the 12th day, he takes down his Christmas decorations,
and on the 13th day he takes whatever awful gift
his in-laws have bought him to a charity shop.
HIGH-PITCHED: Little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, I've been a busy bee. Here we go.
Been so busy over the New Year period, Greg. Yeah.
You know how I like to write my letters.
You love to write letters, don't you? I wrote 12 now.
Genuinely I have sent this. It goes "Chere madame,"
they all start with "Chere madame."
"As you know, I work with a really special guy.
"Everyone loves this guy.
"And I'm sure, madame, you'd love him too,
"and I think you should invite him to your extraordinary house.
"You'd need a lot of wax, sure, but I'm happy to help with that.
"So please let me know what else I can do to sort out
"a statue of Greg Davies at Madame Tussauds as soon as possible."
I've sent it to every department, genuinely quite a recent...
The press department,
there's a section for bloggers and influencers. Yep.
Pretty tragic, isn't it?
As far as Madame Tussauds are concerned,
I've been getting someone to write in to request my own waxwork.
I would visit so often.
This is your best ever banter section. Is it?
Imagine if it works! APPLAUSE
Imagine if it works.
Right, let's get the New Year treat started with a prize task.
What's the category, Alex?
It's this - the most fun thing to be carrying
when you enter a room full of people you don't know.
Mm-hm. You sometimes carry me into a room, don't you, Greg?
Yeah. Like a sort of human briefcase.
You put me down, open me up, take out your laptop.
Five points for the one Greg thinks is the most fun, and the winner
will take home all five things, plus those gorgeous golden eyebrows.
OK, let us begin with Deborah Meaden.
Hello. Hello.
You may or may not remember I do have beef with you.
Oh.
Deborah and I, um, met on a show many, many years ago.
We did. And in the bar afterwards, I pitched an idea to her.
LAUGHTER
Didn't think it would take 15 years to get my revenge,
but here we are, Deborah.
It is a genuine idea, it's horizonti-glass.
When you're lying on a sofa and you're enjoying a drink,
unfortunately, you have to sit up sometimes,
so I invented this glass that's got, like, a straw comes out
the bottom so that you don't have to move your chin.
Horizonti-glass. Horizonti-glass. I'm in.
Deborah said, "Were you serious you thought that was a good idea/"
And I went, "I actually do think it's a good idea."
And she said, "It's not."
LAUGHTER
Anyway, let's get on with giving you one point.
What have you brought? LAUGHTER
I have brought a bingo cage for calling bingo numbers on.
Here it is, quite a nice one.
OK.
There you go. Don't know whether it's fun, Deborah.
Yes, but you, see you're laughing already, aren't you?
I'm laughing, yes, because I'm imagining the awful silence
as you walk in.
OK. So I used to, one of my early businesses,
was I had a prize bingo, and the one thing I learnt is that
everybody loves a game of bingo.
They don't.
Barium sulphate, 28.
Ah, you're a weird man.
Good, and Kojey, welcome.
What have you brought us that would, um, make things fun?
A robot puppy. Here it is.
Yeah, OK.
So the problem is I don't know how many people are in the room,
and I wouldn't want anyone to go without,
so six robot puppies doing a synchronised dance.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Yeah! Julie in the back, she's problematic, but I like her.
They've all got names.
APPLAUSE
Yeah. Are they yours?
Yeah, I've been training them for the last two weeks.
He genuinely has. I mean, my mind's blown. Yeah.
OK, Lenny. Can you beat seven dancing robot dogs?
Six. Six.
Well, if it's six, I can.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Erm, it's quite tricky, because obviously I'm the only kid here.
And I sort of wanted to fit in somehow, so I brought,
uh, beer and cigarettes.
APPLAUSE
So this is what Lenny's brought in.
He walks into the room like that.
And then in actual fact, what's inside is this.
Candy cigarettes and squash, there we are.
Lenny, I cannot think of an event that wouldn't be made more fun
by you turning up with cigarettes and beer.
OK, wonderful. Steve?
I've got the most venomous animal in the world in a jar.
Someone's upped the stakes.
What is it? It's called an Irukandji.
It's a kind of box jellyfish,
and they are the most venomous creature in the world
with the power to stop a human heart faster than any other animal.
Keep it light, mate.
There it is.
Oh, it's tiny. God, it's tiny.
Would it kill someone? They absolutely can.
But the venom gives you an impending sense of doom,
so you have this overwhelming sensation that the world
is going to end once you've been stung by an Irukandji.
Is it the sort of feeling that Deborah's feeling
just before the points are given?
OK, Zoe.
Um, I have brought with me a one-man band
because I've always wanted one.
Yeah. And I thought it'd be quite, you know...
Good to put it on the budget.
Yes! LAUGHTER
Who would not want that?
I don't know.
GREG LAUGHS
I don't know whether I want Zoe Ball...
ZOE IMITATES DRUM
Cymbals at the knee.
Could be a banjo and the thing going on the back...
Come on!
No, Zoe, I'm a big fan of your work,
but I'm not going to find that fun.
LAUGHTER
I had one at my wedding. I like them.
First dance, like that. That? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
He's so weird! Quite romantic.
Right, we need to know which is the least fun.
Well, you know which is the least fun.
Deborah, you're off the mark with one point. Sorry, Deborah.
Yours is tricky, Steve, cos I think it's a remarkable thing
to take to a party, but I think most people would go,
"He's a psychopath."
But is it more fun than Zoe Ball with a one-man band?
Yeah, it is more fun than that, yeah.
Two points to Zoe. Thank you.
Three points to Steve. OK, got it.
Now we're up with the big guns.
I always knew it would come to this.
LAUGHTER
I can't separate them.
Five points each.
Yes! Come on, come on.
Right, it's proper task time. What have you got, Alex?
Well, Papa Greg, it's time for some papa-doms.
Oh! Food. Food and letters.
Food, letters, and a glass. Yes.
This your sort of thing?
Um, Scrabble?
Yeah.
That's a coincidence. It's nothing like Scrabble.
It's nothing like Scrabble? No.
You use cloches a lot at home? No.
Mum doesn't make meals up, she makes more like microwave meals
and Pot Noodles. She's good at them.
Oh, well, that's something.
What's under that? Oh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Ooh!
Are those poppadoms? Maybe.
Love a poppadom.
I'm going to regret saying that, aren't I?
"Eat these poppadoms."
Hoorah!
Oh. "After each mouthful, you must lose a letter
"of the alphabet from your vocabulary."
"Then either compliment Greg or insult Alex."
I don't want to insult you!
I like to be insulted. Oh, you like to be insulted? OK.
"Your insults and compliments must all be different."
"If you use a lost letter at any time,
"10g will be added to your final poppadom... weight."
"Most poppadoms eaten wins.
"You have a maximum of ten minutes."
"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."
Like, let's say if I got rid of A, I can't say a word with A in it?
Mm-hm. What?!
This... This is a travesty!
APPLAUSE
Are you all poppadom fans? Mm-mm.
Not any more. Oh!
Good, well, I hope you've got some insults. I wrote a few down,
uh, that you could've used.
Uh, wonky tooth Sesame Street character, cry baby long neck,
Andy Murray lookalike. These are just a few.
Hair-covered horse dong, these are just some that you could've had.
Shall we crack on? Yes.
Our first two number crunchers are Deborah Meaden
and Steve Backshall.
So mouthful, letter, insult.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Alex, I don't like your shoes.
After every mouthful, you must lose a letter.
OK, that's not even a mouthful.
I haven't swallowed yet. Right, good to know.
Is that not a mouth...? Still haven't swallowed yet.
I am going to get my mouthful. Yeah.
Greg, you're my favourite comedian of all time.
Z is going in.
Greg is a lovely man.
Alex, that shirt needs a tie.
I'm a serious businesswoman. I've heard that.
I do deals every day. People take me very seriously.
Greg, you are my perfect man.
V.
Alex is meaner than I thought.
Is this how you do it in restaurants?
POPPADOM DROWNS SPEECH
Alex, I never liked The Horne Section.
These feel like they're coming quite naturally to you, these insults.
Didn't have to work at that one.
Mm! Lovely.
Lovely, did you say?
Did I say lovely?
Glass of water.
Are these vegan?
Alex, you will always be a sidekick.
You seem to be enjoying... STEVE LAUGHS
Moron.
Lovely.
You said the V word.
We're into the final one minute 40 seconds.
OK.
Is it over yet?
It's not over. 20 seconds.
Erm...
...moobs.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Tiny bit of poppadom on one eyebrow.
Have I really?
And that's your time up.
Ah!
APPLAUSE
Final image was quite powerful of you, Steve, there.
Just the thought of poppadoms now makes me retch.
Yeah, rightly.
Um, your insults were deliciously specific to Alex,
and I know for a fact actually hurt his feelings.
Aw! "I've never liked The Horne Section."
Absolutely delicious.
Five and a half poppadoms he got through in ten minutes,
which is fast. It was very impressive.
Deborah, was your strategy just eat all the poppadoms?
It was, actually.
Did Deborah do any compliments or...? She did.
She said I was nice, I think.
I mean, they both actually made quite a few mistakes, unfortunately.
Oh. And every time you made a mistake, 10g will be added to
your total. You made 24 mistakes.
I made 24 mistakes?!
Steve made 38.
If either of you had not even eaten anything,
you would've done much better. LAUGHTER
All right, we must stop this treat for a few minutes.
We'll see you back here shortly.
APPLAUSE
Hello! And welcome back to our New Year Treat.
What was happening before the break, please, Alex?
We have a poppadom-eating task in play, and so far,
Deborah and Steve forgot they weren't supposed to use
the letters they'd removed from their vocabulary.
And now for some more of the same with Kojey, Lenny, and Zoe.
Can I go and get some water?
Uh, first thing I'm going to do, please, sir, can I get a drink?
You may. Is that? I'm going and, uh, I'm just checking.
SHE GASPS
You absolute beauties!
Still here, we're still here.
Still smashing it up. There's something in...
Is it sauces?
Can I dip the...?
Ah!
See, this is lovely.
Can I have a drink, please, Alex?
Ah, yippee!
I feel like one of those miniature monkeys
that's about to do a back flip.
OK.
We've lost a Z
Alex has weird knees.
Weird knees? Yeah.
You're a mean man.
Mm-hm.
I didn't like your hoody this morning.
Really? Yeah.
Alex, you're so hairy!
Weird fingers.
Oh, God! Wait...
Question.
It says, "Eat the poppadoms."
It doesn't say who has to.
Alex, you look so sweaty!
Hairy and sweaty. Sort yourself out. Right.
Ears are odd.
Oh, my God! I'm using so many letters.
I feel like I'm losing a lot of points.
Smells good.
Have you met him?
In my head.
Smells like Paco Rabanne.
SHE MUTTERS WITH MOUTH FULL
Saucepot.
Are you calling Greg a saucepot? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Here goes the train.
Pig.
If there's one thing I've learned in my years of watching this show,
Alex, is I know you'll put anything in your mouth.
I plan to use that to my advantage today.
One minute left.
I can't spell any of my insults! Erm...
Gap.
In my teeth? Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Bony knees.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Melting. Melting.
I can't spell it. Can't spell melting.
Oh!
I feel sick.
Well, I feel quite hurt.
APPLAUSE
I think this is your problem
in the context of this stupid show, Zoe - you're too nice.
Do you want me to help you?
I'll write an insult out for you to say to Alex.
OK. Oh, thank you so much.
I think it's just training, just to bring out your dark side.
SHE LAUGHS
Hi, Zoe.
You wankflap.
There! See?
APPLAUSE
See? It's easy, innit? Thank you for that.
Apologies to Lenny's parents.
I hear a lot worse when me mum's driving.
Lenny, you did throw a few nice insults.
And when you said pig, I...
We didn't include all your compliments.
There were some pretty good ones to you.
Lovely hair, wonderful posture, perfect, hot, fab, fit, muscle.
LAUGHTER
You know it. Thank you.
Kojey, I felt that the moment you discovered the dipping sauces...
Mm-hm. ..that you lost total interest in this task.
I feel you were just there for a meal.
To be fair, I've always wanted to feed things to Alex,
so much so that I had the moment commemorated
into a T-shirt.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's nice. Yeah, yeah.
So in the end, eating the poppadoms was kind of irrelevant,
it was all about how many mistakes they made. Yes.
We knew Deborah 24,
actually the least mistakes, Deborah compared to 38 for Steve,
56 for Zoe, 85 by you, Lenny,
and 131 mistakes.
I think that's magnificent.
Kojey produced 97 poppadoms, comes in last place,
you get one point.
Lenny produced 64, Zoe 41,
Steve 24, Deborah only produced 15 poppadoms in the end,
so she gets five points. There it is.
APPLAUSE
Can we have a look at a lovely big scoreboard, Alex?
All right, it's close. We have two people in joint third
and two people in joint first, and that's Lenny and Steve.
APPLAUSE
Yeah!
On we go.
OK, and just like the time you caught me drawing you in the shower,
this one involves an awkward portrait.
Makes me feel important.
You are important, Steve.
Not used to seeing my name in lights.
Well, I've got quite a serious question to ask you, Lenny.
Oh, right.
Can I ask you a, well, quite a personal question, Deborah?
You can. I might not answer it.
How long does it take you to eat an orange? Um...
Might want to give myself a bit of extra time
considering where I am, what kind of show this is.
This isn't part of the... This is just a general...
I don't believe you, Alex.
I'm going to go for three minutes.
Three minutes.
Ten minutes. Ten minutes?
Four minutes and 45 seconds.
Is that your final answer?
Six minutes and 23 seconds.
OK.
Oh, I reckon I could do an orange in about 45 seconds.
That's pretty cool. It's one of my special talents.
OK, you can open the task now. OK.
"Draw a picture of yourself eating some fruit on this tablet."
"You may not touch the touch-screen with any part
"of your hands.
"You have as long as it takes you to eat an orange."
HE SIGHS
On reflection, I reckon it could take me over an hour.
"Also throughout the task you must become
"increasingly angry."
"Your time starts now."
Are you going to keep shouting times at me?
Yeah, I'll make sure you get angry. Yeah.
Don't worry about that. No. Oh, that's going to be easy.
APPLAUSE
I'm intrigued by Steve's orange-eating arrogance.
I honestly thought that I was being challenged as to how fast
I could eat an orange. But it felt to me like you've timed yourself
eating oranges. Like it's something I've done in the past and gone yeah.
Have you? N...o.
LAUGHTER
Deborah has this amazing ability, in any situation,
to seem like she's in charge.
It's quite a skill.
And he doesn't like it. He doesn't like strong women.
Right, let's have a look.
OK, do you want me to show you all of them creating at once?
Yeah, man.
Here we go.
What makes, um, what makes something move on here?
Uh, not that.
Your time starts now.
Oh, wow!
I can do it with my nose.
There's a banana here. Bananas are like fingers.
It's gone blank.
Hmm.
Ooh, can I use your hands?
I think I might have to shut my eyes, though, so it's n... Oh, OK.
Oh, I've got to get angry as well.
It's a terrible drawing and I hate it.
Shoulders.
Your anger should start creeping in soon.
Shoulders!
Hmm.
I don't like that, you standing over my shoulder going "Hmm." Right.
How you feeling now, Steve?
Dreading my excessive confidence with orange eating.
Yeah, you've got six seconds left, Steve.
Grr, this is hard work.
It's not straight, it's not straight.
LENNY SIGHS
I was about to get really angry.
STEVE GROWLS
Oh, well.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I look like Kim Kardashian or something. I've got massive lips.
Is that OK? What?
Is that OK? Yeah, that's OK.
Good, good.
A minute left.
It's a bit blinking rude to invite people onto Taskmaster.
I'm going to go back with a big red nose.
Cannot tell you how irritating rubbing my nose against...
I don't know where that came from, no idea where my pad come from.
Ah, God!
I've had enough.
Do you know what? Cos he's so angry, laser beams.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Hmm, seems like you're getting less angry.
HE GROWLS
And, uh, I could be doing better things with my time
right now, darn it, you pesky Horne.
Um.
Can I end on a happy note?
Because I'm actually quite pleased with my picture.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Argh! Not so loud!
LENNY EXHALES SHARPLY
APPLAUSE
I was just feeling guilty about characterising you as just
perennially cheerful all the time. Oh, God.
And then I watch a video of you going, "Grr."
LAUGHTER
There was lots about Lenny's attempt that I enjoyed.
But there's just a still of you that I asked Alex for
while we were watching of you two. Hmm.
And I just think it's so funny if you take it out of the context
of this show. If you just saw this,
what the hell would you think was going on?
LAUGHTER
I mean, someone's going to get arrested off the back of this.
It ain't me. It isn't you!
OK, let's see some stuff.
OK, well, he only had 45 seconds,
but Steve managed to paint this with his nose.
Wow!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean,
in 45 seconds that you took the time to give yourself a six-pack,
it is incredible!
And a really smug smile as well. Yeah.
Is he not supposed to be eating fruit?
There's supposed to be fruit in the picture, yeah,
that was the only thing missing. Oh!
Unless you can claim any of that is fruit. Blueberries?
LAUGHTER
It's not bad in 45 seconds, Steve. Yeah. Fair play.
Let's have a look at Zoe Ball's picture.
Here we go.
LAUGHTER
It looks spectacular!
Oh, my God! So disturbing.
What are you doing with your mouth?
It's watermelon, Steve!
It's watermelon. Look, it's got pips in it.
Why have you aged yourself by 60 years?
Erm...
I was really proud of that!
Don't take it from me.
It's good! Lovely melon.
Right, let's stop for a bit. Alex, do you want to throw to the ads?
OK.
APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back.
It might be cold outside, but Taskmaster will keep you warm.
Warmed by the red hot heat of old grandfather task.
Before the break... LAUGHTER
Before the break, the famous five were making self-portraits
on an iPad without using their hands.
So let's see some more results,
starting with Kojey's radical picture.
Oh!
It's good.
You can see the laser beams if you look closely.
That's a strawberry, I'm eating a strawberry.
And in your mind, the character jumped into the air
and his legs fell off, or...?
Well, it's a self-portrait and I was sitting at a table,
so the rest of my legs are under the table. Yeah.
But it's, erm, abstract.
LAUGHTER
Next up I'm going to show you Lenny's rushed self-portrait.
LAUGHTER
Kim Kardashian with a banana.
I changed it to a pear, but obviously I'm quite small,
so the pear's very... Like, that is actually what a pear is like to me.
LAUGHTER
Very clever.
Who's next? Uh, the final one, fresh from the Dragon's pen,
here is Deborah's masterpiece.
Here we go.
LAUGHTER
Well, I went abstract too.
Is it you eating fruit but being watched from a bird hide?
LAUGHTER
Right at the very end, she managed to press a button with her nose
that created quite a big black layer over the top,
but we have managed to take that layer off,
because you were eating a banana in the picture, you claimed... Yeah.
...and this is what you did before covering it up.
LAUGHTER
Much better! Much, much better.
That's even worse.
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear. He's up.
What's this?
LAUGHTER
I don't know. My tongue?
I have a very long tongue.
You've got a long tongue. I have got a long tongue.
I'll show you later. Say yeah!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
All right, Greg, I'm going to show you all five.
I mean, it's obviously Deborah's that's the worst.
Just because it doesn't look remotely like you, Deborah,
or a person,
or someone eating fruit.
So one point to Deborah.
We'll give Steve two points, because there's no visible fruit there.
Sorry, Lenny, I think I'm going to give you three points.
I like Granny Ball,
even though Zoe did seemingly draw it while she was on a trampoline.
And then, of course, Kojey's masterpiece takes the five points.
So there you go. Five points to Kojey Radical.
APPLAUSE
Three, four, five.
Please can I see one more task?
ALEX POPS
GREG GASPS
CUCKOO CALLS
MANIACAL LAUGH
Alex. Kojey.
In there? Please enter the space ball.
Hello. Please enter the oxygen chamber.
The oxygen chamber? Maybe.
Thunderdome?
Thunderdome, sorry, yes. Please enter the Thunderdome. Thunderdome.
Sorry, Deborah. Right.
ZOE GASPS There's a task within a task.
Hang on a minute.
It's a pop-up task!
ZOE GASPS Of course. Right.
You're taking the piss.
KOJEY LAUGHS
This is doing nothing for my trust issues!
"Make these things pop when the timer hits zero."
"Make these things pop when the timer hit zero."
Toast.
Popper.
Monster.
Jack.
Gum.
Feeder.
Cuckoo.
Bubble and balloon.
Missing a balloon.
"Shortest time between the first and last pop wins."
"You have 15 minutes.
"And your time starts now."
And it has to pop at 15 minutes?
Uh-huh, everything.
There are nine things there, Kojey.
So you're aiming for them all to pop in 15 minutes' time.
Yeah. At the same time, ideally.
Have I got to test?
You can do as much testing as you want.
Oh. Oh, I see, yeah.
But you've only got those pieces of bread. Right. And only one balloon.
Huh?
APPLAUSE
Do you want to explain the rules now?
Yes, Kojey, so...
...it is slightly complicated.
I've done a little graphic for you.
There are 15 minutes until the clock hits zero.
They want all their pops to happen at the same time as that.
The closer the pops are together around the clock hitting zero,
the better. Let's begin. Here is Lenny, Stevie,
and someone who doesn't like being called Debbie. Here we go.
I think the first thing I want to try is the toast.
I don't actually know how toasters work.
So you're pre-toasting the toast, are you? Yes.
OK. And then it's going to be toasty toast.
I think it's speech operated.
I have to talk to the toaster?
Go down.
Shush! It's not!
No, I'm not sure it is, actually. Oh!
How long does this take?
Oh, that's a really quick one.
MUSIC PLAYS
Don't like these.
Oh!
Oh, God, I don't like you.
I need to wind that with one hand,
and maybe I should tape that down.
Oh, actually, can you just do that?
Oh, look, look, look, I can just do that.
OK, how many hands have I got?
OK.
Three minutes and counting.
How does this pop?
That's a cat feeder, Lenny. Oh.
So I thought they were minutes.
No. They're not minutes.
It's hours, isn't it?
If I give it the smallest!
Ooh!
Hmm.
Oh! Oh, wow. That's dramatic.
Oh, have I got to chew bubblegum?
To turn it into a bubble? Yeah.
You've put it all in, have you? All in one go.
Yeah. Go hard or go home.
That's done.
OK, that's ready to go. OK.
Where's the balloon happening?
Ah! It's there.
OK, so I don't want to pop that yet.
Can you let me know when there's ten seconds left?
So you're doing everything in the last ten seconds. I like it. Yes.
MUSIC PLAYS You can go down now.
OK, toaster's going down. That's the first one down.
The next pops are the real pops, is that right? That's right.
30 seconds.
I can do this.
25 seconds.
The tension's killing me.
That can go down there.
Ten seconds.
Erm...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, God.
Ah!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yay! Amazing.
APPLAUSE
Oh, my God.
Hands are so slippy.
Am I doing the right thing?
Oh, I've popped, that popped.
One more thing hasn't popped yet.
What hasn't popped?
That's popped, that's popped.
What's not popped?
You've done everything, Lenny.
What's not popped? Cuckoo, feeder...
Feeder? That?
That?!
Correct.
Is that it?
You may leave.
You made me chew bubblegum.
My mother is going to be so cross with you.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, Steve just seems like he's a professional popper to me.
I had an advantage in that I've used a toaster before.
LAUGHTER
Yes, Deborah, do you sometimes think, with all of your success,
you may have lost touch a little bit?
We have an Aga, in my defence. That's not going to help.
I didn't know you couldn't talk to toasters.
You can't talk to toasters!
I mean, it's a good job this isn't the sort of show
that would replay that moment so that it haunts you forever.
This one? Yeah.
Go down.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Lenny, I mean, you were really good as well, I thought.
Thank you. But the thing that intrigued me is you didn't know
what was inside that cat feeder,
and the moment you saw what was inside it, you started eating.
I'm like a little gremlin, ain't I?
Good. I want some times!
I mean, obviously, Steve was the fastest of the three.
His window was just 18 seconds to pop all nine things.
Oh! Lenny and Deborah were very similar with their times.
Unfortunately for Deborah, she didn't spot the feeder.
Oh. Uh, so Lenny took 50 seconds altogether,
Deborah 72, which is not bad. Right, and you think that
not seeing the feeder is going to be the thing that Deborah regrets most
about that task? LAUGHTER
Go down.
Just one part to go.
Who will take home some candy sticks and squash
and some enormous golden eyebrows? You'll find out very soon.
APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show,
where another New Year Treat is almost over.
Yes, and I suppose that also means we're all that little bit closer
to the end of our lives. LAUGHTER
Before the break, the cast were trying to synchronise
their nine items to pop as close to zero as possible.
That's the task.
So, obviously, we're going to start as close to zero as possible.
I mean, who wouldn't?
Who wouldn't start as close to zero as possible?
LAUGHTER
It's Kojey and Zoe.
OK, so you just want to set the clock.
Ah!
It's not... Very sweet, very sweet.
That's 50. But it's not doing anything.
That's shit.
OK, so that's...
Oh, no, it's in the toaster!
There's three pieces of bubblegum there.
Alex, please.
OK, yeah.
Why do they always make me jump?
It's not happening, is it? I've never been able to blow bubbles.
Ever? No. Spit it out.
Spit it out? You sicken me.
How long have I got left? Six minutes 20.
Six minutes, so if I put that on six minutes and a bit.
CUCKOO CALLS
What do you want?
LAUGHTER
And then you could do that.
The balloon as well.
I've got too many things to press, Alex.
No, I see the problem.
So the plan is just do it all? It's like...
It's like a drum solo.
HE IMITATES DRUM SOLO
No way. Mm-hm.
This is still stuck on six.
It's going to feed the cat in six hours?
Ah! Right! Hang on, no.
Something's going.
Oh, shit!
Is it still getting bigger? Uh-huh.
OK, well, that's gone.
That's the first pop.
First pop. Yeah. How much time I got left on the thing?
Well, three minutes.
One minute to go. OK, let's just try for at least...
BALLOON POPS, SHE SCREAMS
One! Two!
Not quite the same time.
Yay!
He just came straight out.
Toast. How long have I got left? Is it toast?
That's toast.
Cos that can never be bread.
Put this back in the bag, people think you're a nutter.
LAUGHTER - Toast, man. - All right.
It's like a wet fart. Disgusting.
CUCKOO CALLS
Lovely.
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE" PLAYS
LAUGHTER
♪ A, B, C, D, L, M, N, O, P
♪ Q, R, S straight to the T, U, V
♪ W, X, Y, and Z
♪ Now I know my ABCs. ♪
WHISTLE BLOWS
Everything has popped.
Ah, except my career.
Thanks, Zoe. Thank you.
You can take them with you if you want. Taking my toast.
It's all I have. I have no dignity left.
I have two pieces of toast.
APPLAUSE
Well, I thought in the build-up to it,
you looked like you had it all under control.
Yeah, I made a list. I tried to back time it.
You made a list. And then well, what, I've written down is,
"When Zoe's attempt started,
"it looked like a woman falling down some stairs."
Oh, dear.
It was good toast, though.
It was good toast. I did so bad, I just...
Well, I don't know what happened there, Kojey,
but you told the cat feeder it was shit.
You said that Alex sickened you.
And you appeared to have beef with a mechanical cuckoo.
I got a lot done.
LAUGHTER
I mean, you wrote a song as well.
That's got to be worth something.
Yeah, no, not point-wise, definitely not.
OK, well, we know that so far, Deborah's in third with 72.
Neither of you two did better than that, of course.
Kojey, your window was three minutes 31.
Zoe, the cat feeder finally went off 24 minutes after the first pop.
Oh, God!
So a single point to Zoe, two to Kojey,
three to Deborah, four to Lenny, but five to Steve Backshall.
APPLAUSE
That means Steve is joint first with Lenny on 14 points.
Wow! Yeah, it's OK.
APPLAUSE
Anyone could win.
OK, everyone, just one more thing to do.
Please stay where you are... Ooh!
...while Alex and I make our way to the stage
for the final task of the show.
Ooh!
APPLAUSE
Young fellow m'lad, who will be reading the task out?
Deborah Meaden, please.
OK.
"Say whether the item will fit through the hole
"or not fit through the hole.
"If you get it right, you lose an egg.
"And the fewest eggs remaining wins."
OK. OK.
Any questions?
No.
LAUGHTER
Greg, shall we head over to the first item?
Together?
Here we are. That's not going to help those rumours on the internet.
Shall I present?
Will the duck bring them luck?
Well, it's good. We've got two yeses and three noes.
It's time to thrust.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Only two correct answers.
Discard your eggs, Kojey and Lenny.
Second item, it's a triangular hole, but what's the item?
Will the pan, yes, it can, or not?
One yes, two noes.
Another yes. Another yes.
It's time to thrust.
Sideways!
CHEERING
Oh, no.
Oh, sorry.
Did Zoe Ball just hit someone with an egg?
Sorry. Sorry. Jesus Christ, Zoe Ball's gone into full meltdown.
They've all lost one egg, Greg.
Will the cone find its way home?
All noes.
It genuinely won't go through.
Won't go through. You can all discard an egg. Well done.
Yay!
Watermelon.
Will the melon be a hero or felon?
Five noes?
Thrust.
Oh, it's a squeezy melon!
It's in!
CHEERING
Do you know what, yeah?
Kojey's cross. I'm not sure he's as cross as Lenny is.
Lovely window. What's behind it?
Oh!
Give it a squish.
HE STRAINS
See you at the Baftas.
OK, we've got no, no, no, no, yes for Ball.
Ball on ball - will it go through?
Oh, no!
Everyone but Zoe can discard an egg. Bollocks.
Boxing glove.
Will the crap go through the gap?
They've all gone for the same answer.
Oh. Give it some!
I'm working for you!
I'm working for you. CHEERING
OK. Woohoo!
Will the balloon be coming soon?
Ooh! Now, then. Four noes and one yes for Kojey Radical.
Oh... It's time to thrust.
Oh!
You're too rough with it, Greg!
Everyone but Kojey may discard an egg.
OK, it's the chair-shaped hole,
but what's he going to be putting through it?
Oh, I wonder.
It's a chair. Will the chair fit through there?
Radical says...
no.
Oh...
It's nearly there!
Will it go? No! That's no.
Yes! That's not th...
It's in! CHEERING
Only Steve and Zoe got that one right.
Probably a little worrying I'm out of breath, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
So now everyone look at this little hole here.
GREG MAKES HIGH-PITCHED NOISE
What are we going to be poking through that hole?
Bad luck.
But for who?
Will it be good or will it be folly? Let's see when I thrust the brolly.
Only Lenny has gone for no.
Oh, no.
Oh...
Shove it!
It's a no.
APPLAUSE
Lenny and Steve neck and neck, four eggs left each.
Kojey heartbroken.
Final one. Well, you can pick up the final item if you want.
Will little Alex Horne be reborn?
LAUGHTER
I think he can make it.
We have four yeses, one no.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
He did not fit through.
Good. We'll add that to the final scores and see what's happened.
APPLAUSE
Well, well, well.
So, Kojey, I'm afraid you got the fewest answers right,
you had the most eggs at the end, so you get one point.
Let's just enjoy Kojey's face for a bit.
In joint third in that round,
Deborah and Zoe both got half of them right, five,
which means they get three points each.
In second place, six correct answers, was Steve.
But Lenny got seven, so he gets five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so? And so the final scores look a little bit like this.
APPLAUSE
Lenny Rush wins our New Year's Treat!
Please head up to the stage and then lift aloft your golden eyebrows.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Have yourselves a brilliant year,
and we'll see you again very soon.
For now, here's the winner of this special night -
it's Lenny!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media