This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Bugger, bugger!
DOOR BELL CHIMES
GEESE HONK
SHE LAUGHS Er...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello-ho-ho!
Hello everybody! Welcome!
Ask any comedian who the funniest person they've ever met is,
and they will universally tell you it's a friend from home,
an old colleague, a member of the family.
This universal response is, of course, a blatant attempt
at appearing humble, and is clearly a lie.
My own uncle's attempt at making us laugh -
his elephant impression - saw him face multiple charges
in a court of law, for example. LAUGHTER
Now...
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
..does that mean we shouldn't invite non-comedians on Taskmaster?
No, I say! We bring them on, and we refocus -
from "laugh with" to "laugh at"!
The New Year's Treat is upon us,
the lambs are nearly table-ready.
Please welcome David James...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Hannah Fry... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Martin Lewis... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Melanie Blatt... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
and Sue Johnston! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And sitting next to me, another non-comedian
who whispered to me at our Christmas party that
his New Year's resolutions were to lose weight,
to spend more time with the kids,
and to play a significant role in
crushing any country's attempt to leave the Commonwealth.
LAUGHTER
HIGH-PITCHED: # It's...a-little Alex Horne! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, everyone!
Very special occasion, I've written a special poem.
Want to hear it?
Hmm, I genuinely don't want to hear it.
LAUGHTER
It's about you... Yeah. ..and me.
And feminism. LAUGHTER CONTINUES
And pork. And pork.
"Some men think they're tough.
"Arnie's really strong.
"Underneath it all, though, something might be wrong.
"Alex knows his limits.
"Greg is good at swimming.
"Every day is special, so are lots of women."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's about - but it's an acrostic, it says s...
Just put it away. It says "sausages" down the side.
LAUGHTER You're just such a weird man.
OK, what's the Prize Task category?
It's a good question, Captain Handsome,
and the category is the source of the greatest pride.
Ooh. Hmm, greatest pride!
Here's mine - my children. Ah.
Or my wife, or maybe my dark blue car.
Yes, it's probably the car - it's got electric windows.
So, 5 points to the person Greg thinks has brought in
the best thing, and the overall winner will proudly take home
all five at the end of the show - and the start of the year.
So, back to you, Mr Taskmaster. Here we go. David James.
What thing have you brought in that is the source of great pride?
I'm an artist.
And, going to the Taskmaster house,
I felt...tremendous pride.
So, I felt that I should bring in a gift for the winner,
which is a painting of Alex.
LAUGHTER
Well, you-your, er...
Ruffled my feathers somewhat already.
Erm, you're in there, as well.
David James did this.
No way! That's amazing! CROWD EXCLAIMS
APPLAUSE
If I find out that the only representation of me
is that weather vane, David... LAUGHTER
No, you're actually just behind Alex's head.
Ah, there we are!
That is lovely, the detail's lovely,
lovely little white bird at the top. The attention to detail's lovely.
Normally people don't bring in good stuff.
LAUGHTER Blatt!Uh-oh, yes.
I have a MasterChef apron.
AUDIENCE OOHS Yes.Ooh!Here it is.
I got to the final. Did you?
Yeah, I got to the final. APPLAUSE
And then, because I was so upset that I didn't win,
I then did the Christmas one,
and lost that one, as well.Ah. LAUGHTER
And you're a good cook?
I'd like to think so. What's your speciality?
Hmm...all of it.
LAUGHTER
Christ! Ha-ha!
Martin, what did you bring in?
So, what I thought - I love games.
That's one of the reasons I'm here, I absolutely love and adore games,
and I was privileged to be on what I had thought, until now,
was one of the best game shows on television, House Of Games.
I brought in one of the prizes, which is the House Of Games
Richard Osman face deckchair - there we go.
Hey!
APPLAUSE I am aware, I'm aware...
Do you ever go into theatres and shout "Macbeth", as well?
LAUGHTER
I-I am aware I am risking this prize,
so I am putting that up in return for hopefully getting
a better prize, which would be winning Taskmaster.
There is also a slight small-print issue with this.
If you win a BBC quiz show, you're not allowed to give
that prize to - it's illegal.
Erm... Is it genuinely illegal?
Mm-hm. Actually, interestingly, though, because I gave away prizes
in a charity auction, I had written permission to do it in advance,
to give away my prizes, cos I read the terms and conditions.
I did know... LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Wow! Who would've thought that the king of the nerds
would be out-nerded? LAUGHTER
Thank you, Martin. Sue.
One of my favourite things in my kitchen, which I see every day,
is an old photograph of my mother,
with Paul McCartney,
and another friend of mine - now deceased - and myself.
And for me, it's just a lovely memory of my old friend -
now deceased - my mum - deceased -
sorry I'm going to make you cry - and, er...
No, you're just making me think
I can't score this badly either, can I?
LAUGHTER
Here's the photo, Greg. Let's have a look. Judge this.
Oh, that's so good. AUDIENCE AWWS
Jesus Christ.
But it's a comedy show. LAUGHTER
It's going to be tough to score harshly. Hannah.
Right, so the wording was
"the source of the greatest pride," right? Yeah.
S-So, I've brought this.
Erm, I... LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The greatest pride on Earth - obviously lions!
I could've had 1,000 guesses, Hannah.
The reason why I think an ovary is particularly good,
cos if I show you one more photo of this, actually.
See that little bubble on the top? Yeah. Yeah?
That is a follicle on the ovary that is ready to release an egg,
so this is, quite literally, bursting with pride.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is it, er, twins, triplets?
Or is it just a single little lion?
Cos one lion doesn't make a pride.
Oh! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Lovely work by David James. Right, then, Greg.
Well, I don't want Osman to think I've got beef with him,
but I'm tempted to give him 1 point. LAUGHTER
Sacrilege - you can't bring Osman to this cathedral -
with the greatest of respect for him!
1 point to Martin Lewis and Richard Osman.
Very best wishes to you, Richard.
Good luck with the books and stuff. OK!
LAUGHTER
I think Melanie Blatt probably makes delicious food,
but 2 points. Ah! OK, 2 to Mel Blatt.
I'll give the lion's ovary 4 points.
I'm going to mess with your scoring system here. Ah...
I'm jumping up, that's right, 2 points. Yeah.
I'm going to 4 points for the lion's ovary,
cos I was so impressed with it. Thank you. Right.
I think David's worked very hard,
and I think that Sue's obviously had a lovely relationship
with her mother.
So, I'll give those two 5 points.
There I've said it, those are my judgments. There we go.
5 to David, 5 to Sue.
CHEERING Boo!Boo, boo!
Next task! Yes, and we're going to commence proceedings in the lab -
which is short for laboratory, not Labrador, on this occasion,
just in case there was any confusion,
you can't commence proceedings in a dog. Let's go!
Oh, hello.
Ooh! Hello. Hi!
Should I call you Professor, or...?
I-If you - I insist on it, yes. Hello, Professor.
No, don't, that sounds weird.
What do I need to do?
Up to you David.
LAUGHTER Ah.
Oh, God it's heavy.
Oh, no, it's not. Sorry. SHE LAUGHS
Should I open it? I reckon.
OK.
Get the glasses on, it's close.
Is that the...? Do I have to try and open it?
Hmm...
Let's start again.
What would you like me to do?
I'd love you to open the box.
Oh.
SHE CHUCKLES Is this the task?
No, we thought this would be straightforward.
Oh. Looks very nice.
Somebody's a bit obsessed.
It's Greg.
"Don as many gloves as possible.
Turn that... Yeah, I think you've just locked it.
Oh. Hang on. LAUGHTER
"You have five minutes.
"Your time starts now.
Ow. Ah!
Oh. APPLAUSE
Mel, do you have someone to open suitcases?
LAUGHTER
I mean, I was nervous, that's all I'm going to say. Yeah.
LAUGHTER It's absolutely incredible.
Yeah. Let's crack on.
OK, the gloves are off - but not for long -
as we begin with David, Martin, and Melanie.
Ah, maybe I should take my rings off.
You've got so many rings, Mel.
Well, you know, I'm like Mr T.
In what way? Oh, th-the rings.
I don't have to put it on my hands.
Right, well, I'll do a few for safety.
I'll put one on my ear - that would be donned, wouldn't it?
Does it have to go on my ear?
LAUGHTER
What size feet have you got?
It's not about the size of the feet, it's how you wear the shoes.
And this is how you wear the shoes.
There we go. Got the technique off now.
Ooh, a codpiece! OK.
LAUGHTER I'm donning them.
Ah...
They feel nice? No! Oh.
Don't know where these gloves have been. No, we don't.
That's going to work, look at that. You are pulling it off.
Think I'm losing the sensation in this hand. Right.
Ooh!
What?
Five seconds.
Ah, come on!
WHISTLE BLOWS TWICE
Yeah, that's on, isn't it?
Right, can I start taking these off? Cos... No, not yet.
Now, Mel, I'm going to ask you to hold these.
SHE LAUGHS
You sure? Go on.
Did you have any advice before doing this show, Martin?
Read the top bit of the card, then turn over the back side of
the card to check if there's anything -
and that's what I didn't do!
What does that say, Martin? "This is not the task."
No, that's not the task. The task is behind the hand, Martin.
What, while I'm balancing all this?
Yeah.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Hmm, that went well.
WHISPERS: Ah, spilt some.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS I might as well use my hand.
LAUGHTER
Ah-ha-ha!
"Remove all your gloves and put them back in the glove box.
"You may not put the glasses down. Fastest wins."
"You may not put the glasses down."
I didn't put it down, I threw it down. Yeah...yeah.
"For every gram of sand spilled,
"a second will be added to your time." Bollocks.
"Your time starts now."
Oh...
SHE SPITS
SCREECHING: Quickly!
Ah...
OK, I've stopped the clock. Well done.
I pity the fool.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, you went route one Mel with, er, putting gloves on hands.
The thought didn't even enter my mind that...
Put it anywhere else? Exactly.
'Course, gloves go on hands. Correct. Correct.
I like simplicity.
I'm sorry you were so rubbish at the task.
LAUGHTER OK, David.Hmm.
I found your decision to put all of the gloves on one hand intriguing.
It was quite an extreme attempt. He put on 40 gloves. Wow.
And have 38 of them on one hand. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
He took them off incredibly quickly, 35 seconds.
Unfortunately, he spilt 473 grams of sand -
so that's eight minutes, 28 in total. Oh, wow.
Which is not great. Mel's was ten minutes, six.
GREG WHISTLES Martin, different.
Do you want to talk about Martin? I do want to talk about Martin.
My instinct was to penalise you for your definition of "donning"
when you just started ramming them into your shoes and in your top.
And then, you started to resemble a Regency dandy.
LAUGHTER I thought, "This man's got style."
Only spilt 61g, but he took a long time -
five minutes, five seconds to put all the gloves back in the box.
He's currently in the lead with six minutes, six seconds.
OK, that's part one of the treat done!
And if you're one of the many people thinking of doing Dry January,
here's a little tip for you.
Keep it to yourself!
It's boring! You're boring! LAUGHTER
You were boring when you were on the drink!
Seriously, stop telling us about your life!
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to this New Year's Treat,
and a task involving gloves and sand.
This is our big-budget festive holiday special.
Two people left to go - it's Hannah and Sue.
"Your time starts now."
"This is not the task."
I'm thinking that, like, actually,
cos that's bigger than my actual hand.
SHE GASPS
Aha.
OK, I've found part two!
All right. Ahem!
Just going to put some gloves on.
It's not the task. So, these...
Oh, God.
..must be a task.
So, you've discovered the second half of the task.
And still put these on. Yeah, I did do that, didn't I?
Bugger.
Sorry. I shouldn't have said "bugger".
Oh, it's Channel 4.
SHE CHUCKLES
Erm, well, it must have something to do with this, then.
Oh, for God's sake.
SHE LAUGHS
WHISTLE BLOWS Yeah, that's your time up.
So, Hannah, I'm going to give you these to hold. Thank you so much.
"Remove all your gloves and put them back in the glove box.
"You may not put the glasses down."
Really should've read that better, shouldn't I?
LAUGHTER
"Your time starts...now."
Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, bugger, bugger!
Oh, sorry, sorry!
It's fine, it's Channel 4.
Oh... That's good.
That's better, isn't it? Yeah.
It's a shame you took all the gloves out.
LAUGHTER
Yeah!
Oh, no!
They're in. Stop.
Shall I stop the clock? Shut up the box?
I said, "Shall I stop the clock?"
Yes. Yes, stop the clock.
APPLAUSE
No...
Hannah, you're a professor, yeah?
Hmm, yeah. I am. What of? Mathematics.
And that's legit, yeah? Oh, yeah. OK.
LAUGHTER
I just think that history will view your attempt
in the following way I've written it down. Mm.
You read the back of the initial task. You just go...
Oh, no, I didn't read the back - that was key... Oh, no.
..because I didn't know that that first bit wasn't the task.
I thought that there was a second part of the task.
Ah, this explains a lot. Ah. Mm!
Cos we thought you were really thick. We, yeah...
LAUGHTER
Sue, what's your excuse? LAUGHTER
Because you knew for sure that that wasn't the task,
but you decided to burrow away in the old, er,
suitcase anyway, didn't you?
I don't know, I can't remember!
LAUGHTER
How refreshingly honest.
Hannah's sand count looked pretty damn sweet to me,
if I might be so bold. She spilt 76g.
Sue only spilt 34g. Wow! Ooh!
So, it's all about the speed.
Hannah put all her gloves in the box in one minute, 46.
Sue in two minutes, 39.
So, it's 5 to Hannah, 4 to Sue,
3 to Martin, 2 to David, and then,
Mel was the slowest, and she didn't put all the gloves in.
How many points does Mel Blatt get?
LAUGHTER
Let's give her a point. Aha! ALL: Hooray!
1 point to Mel Blatt! APPLAUSE
Right, how's the scoreboard, Alex?
Well, Mel, you're at the bottom, unfortunately, with 3 points.
Joint leaders Hannah and Sue with 9 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Long way to go!
Anything you've got to say for yourself before we start
the next task, Alex?
Ah, oui monsieur, je ne regrette rien!
Hello. Oh! Hi, Mel Blatt.
Hello.
I've got a stuffed puffin at home.
LAUGHTER
Why have you got a stuffed puffin at home?
Er, because my friend Hermann Hreidarsson decided
it would be a good gift.
What is it? It's called an egret.
An egret?
Cute. Yeah. Love that.
LAUGHTER
Bit of unstuck taxidermy. OK.
Shall I open this? Hello, bird.
What type of bird?
Good.
LAUGHTER
"Do something you regret.
"Biggest regret wins.
"You have 20 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
Have you done many things you've regretted, Sue?
Too personal to tell you. Right.
Mostly concerned with sex.
LAUGHTER Right.
I don't regret anything.
You're going to have to.
I'm going to keep my clothes on, because we'd all regret that.
We're not snogging.
Right. Thank you, Martin.
Is there any alcohol here? Why?
Cos I'd regret doing a shot of tequila.
I could drink a shot of toilet water.
AUDIENCE GROANS
You said that as if that's something you've done before.
No! SHE LAUGHS
Can I go and have a look around the house? Please do.
I'm not going to do that, don't worry!
If you do do it, make sure we're filming it. OK!
Sort of the point of the show.
APPLAUSE
I'd like to talk about Hermann's puffin.
I-I lived in Iceland for six months. Ah!
And they take the pufflings... Yeah.
..and they chuck 'em into the water. Right.
And for two years, they float in the sea before they start flying.
And this one didn't fly well for very long, and got stuffed,
and ended up on the mantlepiece.
Oh! OK. LAUGHTER
Er, who's Hermann?
Hermann Hreidarsson, my former team-mate.
Why did he buy you a puffin, David?
I don't know if he bought it. It's a small island.
He's very well-known, I'm sure they gifted it to him.
LAUGHTER
Shall we see some stuff? OK.
It's the number-wizards up first,
Professor Hannah Fry, and Martin Lewis,
the monkey-shaving sexpot. Here we go.
I could take... I mean, I could take...
I-I'm not doing it. Wh-What's that, Martin?
I was going to take my fitness tracker off
and get steps without it counting.
That's just...just not happening.
There's some things - this show isn't worth it, frankly.
It literally goes against every fibre of everything I do,
to simply walk around for a length of time
without your fitness tracker on.
I average 25,000 steps a day.
I've not missed 10,000 steps.
I mean, step - there's no point in walking if it's not counting.
OK, I've talked myself into it, let's just do it.
I monitor my blood pressure, I monitor my heart rate,
I monitor my sleep.
I have a graph of every game I've played,
er, against my wife at Scrabble.
All of that is part of my personality,
And this is just the opposite.
OK. Alex, is it your birthday?
It was, yes. Congratulations. Did you have a cake?
Well, I suppose I did, yes, there it is.
I thought maybe we could eat some.
We? Oh, yeah.
Thing is, I think that actually what would be really nice,
some radishes.
Little sauces just to spice it up a little bit.
This one's called Skull Fucker. LAUGHTER
All the best cakes repeat on you, don't they?
Scotch bonnet for your cake.
So, you're going to eat it? No, you'll eat it, as well.
I don't want to take the last bit of your birthday cake. Right.
Here you go. Just a little bite.
Cheers. Suppose so.
MUFFLED: I'm watching you!
Hoo... LAUGHTER
Definitely futile. This feels a very futile act.
Hmm. That's starting to hurt a bit, isn't it? Hmm.
I think it's the skull one.
Now, now I'm sweating, and I'm sweaty, as well -
pointlessly!
I'm really sweating.
Mm. All gone. Mm-hm. Good luck.
Ah! SHE COUGHS
Yeah, I feel quite sick.
LAUGHTER
20 seconds. Sheer futility!
WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER Ah!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you. Thank you, Hannah.
Let me go and put my head in a bucket of milk. Yeah.
I regret that.
Thank you, Martin.
I won't say "thank you".
Bye. Bye-bye.
AUDIENCE AWWS APPLAUSE
Well, Martin, I would sum up your attempt with
just three words that I wrote down.
And see if everyone agrees with me.
"Your poor wife."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That went against every ounce of obsessive nature I have in my body.
And, even watching it then,
I felt a little bit of sick in my mouth.
LAUGHTER
How was the hot-sauce cake? It was pretty spicy.
There was also a lot of cake left over.
It looks like you didn't enjoy the party the day before.
Well, I was saving it to bring it home to my children,
and that's, that's... LAUGHTER
Is that true?! Yeah.
Oh, I have so much regret!
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely! Let's move on.
Now it's David James, the goal-saving expert.
Is time an issue here?
Oh, you don't need to use the full 15 minutes. Oh, good.
AUDIENCE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Cool.
I regret that.
LAUGHTER
REGRETFUL PIANO PLAYS
HE SIGHS REGRETFULLY I feel so regretful.
Honestly?
Well...
Well, it was a nice bird.
Plastic in the middle.
Is that how they stuff them? I don't think it's a real bird.
HE SNIFFS LOUDLY
Doesn't even smell like a real bird.
Wh-What were you expecting it to smell like?
Nests. LAUGHTER
Thank you, sorry about the regret.
LAUGHTER Just in case.
APPLAUSE
It's not a real bird! Not a real bird.
Now we know why Hannah's bird was all smashed up. Hmm.
What I would question is whether you regretted it afterwards?
Cos your mouth said, "I regret it"
but, to me, you regretted it in the same way
a serial killer regrets. LAUGHTER
Well, my puffin at home, when I...
LAUGHTER What have you done to that?!
Well, every time I see the puffin, I think of egret.
LAUGHTER
OK, that's the halfway point of this New Year's Treat.
And, if you're one of the many people thinking of doing
the keto diet to kick off the New Year,
here's a little tip for you.
Keep it to yourself! LAUGHTER
It's boring!
It was never the weight that was your problem.
You're boring!
You're b... You were boring fat, and you're boring thin!
LAUGHTER Do you see the pattern?
Stop telling us about your life! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to our New Year's Treat!
And a task all about regret.
Yes, Greg, and just to say, I wouldn't feel bad if
I did a joke about Trump, and his views on climate change.
But I would regret-a-Thunberg pun.
GROANING
It's time now for the final two attempts.
I'm a comedian, and haven't they changed...
..haven't they changed since the Great British Bake Off?
Yes, it's our old friends, Mel and Sue.
LAUGHTER
You know, I'll tell you what I would totally regret...
..is showing my feet on television.
And I've only ever done it once.
And that was on the Royle Family.
And when I saw it in the script, I said to Caroline,
"Do I have to do this?
"Because my feet are the ugliest feet in the world.
OK, I think I've... I think I've got something.
Right, do you want to do it right away? Yeah.
We're going to do it right now? Yeah. Right.
Hi. Hi.
Everything all right? Sort of.
SHE LAUGHS OK.
I'm going to call this egret Eric.
It's easier to say.
Eric, look at my feet.
DRAMATIC BOOM
LAUGHTER Look at it.
DRAMATIC BOOM
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS UP
DRAMATIC BOOM SHE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
SHE EXHALES NERVOUSLY OK.
Why am I looking at them and drawing attention to them? Sorry.
Oh, God, I feel sick.
If you could just bend down slightly...
Bend down slightly? Yeah. OK.
Close your eyes. Hmm.
AUDIENCE CHEERS APPLAUSE
Done.
Oh, there's real mixed messages there, Mel.
LAUGHTER
I regret that instantly. I don't.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, well, well! LAUGHTER
I didn't know what was going to happen.
Alex does not like it if I even pop an arm on him.
So, that kind of physical -
I know for a fact his wife's never done that.
LAUGHTER
So, you did genuinely regret it? Oh, my God, of course.
Cos I put it to you - well, "of course"!
"Of course!" Yeah, this isn't great for me, cos to regret
means to feel sad, repentant,
or disappointed over something you've done.
Yeah, OK, fair enough. LAUGHTER
Erm, Sue, I mean...
..I didn't get a long enough look at them,
but they didn't look that bad to me. Oh, they're bloody awful.
They really are. Sorry. They really are.
LAUGHTER
No, I've really got... I'm sorry, Sue, I don't -
they look, you know, from the brief flash I saw of them,
they looked all right.
But a brief flash is all you need.
LAUGHTER
All right, I shall give some points out. Yeah.
David James, I put it to you,
you did not regret smashing that bird up at all. Wow.
1 point to David James.
You'll have to work harder to convince me you regretted that, Mel.
Me?! That you regretted the kiss.
What?! I thought I-I'd won that. LAUGHTER
I'm going to give you 2 points.
Hannah, I think you regretted the cake - about 3 points.
Martin, I'm going to give you 4 points.
The regret was real.
The reasons were fucking weird.
LAUGHTER I'll take it.
None of us have ever seen on-screen regret, er,
like Sue and her horrendous feet.
Sue takes 5 points.There we go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, let's have another task! Well, we might as well,
and this one is all about making the right choices at the right time.
And there's some water and buckets, and that sort of thing.
Here we go.
Ooh, OK! SHE CHORTLES
We're in the garden. Yes!
It's nice, innit? It's quite nice.
But getting a bit chilly, though, now. OK.
Those are bins, that's a bucket, that's a bottle.
Read the task?
"Transfer the most water from the bucket
"to the bottle using only the contents of one of these bins.
"You may open one bin every minute,
"but you must use the contents of the bin you open last."
I mean, I could choose the right bin first.
Or the wrong bin... Well, exactly.
..then I've gotta wait a minute. Yeah.
So, if it's a feather, it's pretty rubbish.
"You may not touch or move the bucket or the bottle." Oh.
"Most water in the bottle after five minutes wins.
"Your time starts now!" OK.
So, if I start on a bin...
You've got a minute basically to decide whether or not...
Whether I'll use it or not. Yeah.
But, then again, if I choose not to use one,
I've got less time on the rest of it. Suck it and see.
Suck it and see, I suppose.
APPLAUSE
I see you and Mel have entered
the awkward post-kiss phase of your relationship.
LAUGHTER Actually talking about the weather.
I was still flustered, yeah.
Yeah, she's seconds away from ghosting you at that point.
LAUGHTER Shall we crack on?
Sure, well, first up, it's two men who sound like four men.
It's David, James, Martin and Lewis.
LAUGHTER
What have you found?
Small ice cup.
That does not look an efficient transportation method for me.
The ramekin's been discarded.
This one.
OK. Well, I've got a minute, so I might as well...
So, wait, so - oh.
So, you're only using gloves.
Oh, shit. LAUGHTER
This was a bad move, wasn't it?
WHISTLE BLOWS You may look in another bin.
Oh, that's much better. That should soak up the water.
This was a really bad move.
OK, that's really tough to get in,
I would've been better with the ramekin.
And it definitely said no touching the bottle?
No touching or moving the bucket or bottle.
Oh, the ramekin would've been so good!
I think I might do this.
You're losing so much each time you go through.
I can see that.
APPLAUSE I'm done.
Right, well, you've got time to spare.
Two-and-a-half minutes to do whatever you want, David.
Cup of coffee. Coffee, right.
That one almost missed entirely.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah. It's not empty.
The ramekin would've been so much better.
I didn't move the bottle.
I only moved the table.
Can I just say, that got me 412 steps? Thanks.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, you're consistent, Martin, it's incredible.
Erm, now, then, David,
let's talk about the concept of moving things. Yeah.
When we were putting the water into the bottle,
there would've been tiny little movements.
HANNAH: What, at the atomic scale?
Whatever the scale you want to go to.
Everything is always moving, unless it's absolutely zero,
so he has a technical point. I mean, technically...
'Course, technically, the Earth is moving. Yeah.
I mean, time passes, there's all sorts of movement.
So, in order for any of you to succeed in the task,
you would've had to have broken the laws of physics? Yes.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. We're looking at the concept of moving
in more pedestrian - or "normal" - terms.
LAUGHTER
There's just one part left to go
until we answer that age-old question,
"Who will win some lion's ovaries
"and a giant pair of eyebrows?"
And also, if you're thinking of training for the marathon this year,
SHUT UP! LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the final part of our New Year's Treat.
And it is the start of a special year for us, Greg.
It's ten years of Taskmaster.
And I thought it might be nice if we celebrated it.
Perhaps another camping trip together?
LAUGHTER
Before the break, David and Martin were ringing in the New Year
in our water-transferring task.
And now, finally, it's a Royle, a professor, and a saint -
it's Sue, Hannah, and Mel.
No, I don't think I'll have that one.
That could take me a long time.
Oh, that's bloody useless, isn't it? What have you found?
Some gloves. No.
OK, now we stand around for 30 seconds. Great.
OK.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
I think I'm just going to stick with this. OK.
WHISTLE BLOWS OK, second minute.
Great.
That's...quite good.
You seem more interested.
You know, when you go...
..like that.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. You going pipe?
We're ground-piping.
Ahh!
SHE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
OK, that's not working how I wanted it to work.
It's working a bit.
It's quite a long pipe, innit?
Oh, yeah, here it comes.
Oh, no! I've not thought this through.
LAUGHTER
Gravity's pretty good, innit?
Come on!
SHE SPITS
You know, I've got a PhD in fluid dynamics.
Wh-What is this process called, Hannah? Erm, pipes?
Pipes. LAUGHTER
You've put both ends in.
Very feeble, isn't it?
I've got water to spare! Yes! CHEERING
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh!That was heroic.
Wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Pretty dignified all round.
LAUGHTER
I was going to say, same system used by all three ladies,
but in fact, a different system using the same thing.
Yeah, they all had their own interpretation of
how to use the tube. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My favourite quote from the whole attempt,
"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay."
LAUGHTER
We're ground-piping, yeah? Yes, we are.
But ground-piping isn't a thing? No. OK.
Mel, interesting, though, you didn't do any ground-piping.
You used it as a vessel to transport water.
You sucked it in, you blew it out.
Well, I knew there was some sort of science to the...
..the suck and blow.
LAUGHTER
So, I knew there was some sort of tactic -
I just didn't know what that tactic was.
Now, Sue. Yes?
Hmm. LAUGHTER
I don't know whether you're allowed to transport it using the object,
but then, get it into the bottle by spitting it in.
I mean, more liquid came out of Sue's mouth than we expected.
LAUGHTER
OK, well, obviously, David and Hannah filled up
their bottles completely.
Then we have Martin at the bottom, with 314ml,
Sue, 478ml,
and, 2ml more, Mel, 480ml.
CHEERING
I need to show you one more thing. Oh, right, OK.
And I think this is awful.
And I think someone may be about to have their professorship revoked.
Ohh!
Whoa, which one of them could it be?
LAUGHTER
BUZZER AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Right, you stay there for a second.
Oh, shit! BUZZER
That doesn't count, I was touching the bottle.
It's still going.Two minutes, 15. BUZZER
Hmm, no, no, no, no... I, do you know what? I...
No, no, no, no, no, no. ..I agree with David!
I think he's got a really good point about the movement
and the atomic scale. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, Hannah's disqualified, 0 points, so everyone else moves...
I'm afraid so. ..right, everyone else moves up one.
David, who also filled up the bottle.
He moved the bottle? So, he's also disqua...
D-Don't make me feel like I'm going mad!
LAUGHTER He moved the bottle!
So, it's 0 to David and Hannah,
which means it's 3 points to Martin, 4 to Sue,
and the winner of that task, with 5 points, is Mel Blatt!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I can't believe it!
OK, make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
Hi there, baby boy.
LAUGHTER Who's reading the task?
Er, Melanie Blatt, I think.
"Draw the most accurate picture of the contents of the box.
"If you answer Greg's question correctly,
"you may look at the box for 0.1 seconds.
"If you answer Greg's question incorrectly,
""you must start your picture again.
"You may only answer Greg's question
"if you are the first to shout your surname.
"You have until 20 seconds after Greg runs out of questions."
Whoever's first gets to peek in this little hole here.
You can look through that hole.
The lights will come on for 0.1 seconds.
If you get your question wrong, I'm going to come over
and rip the sheet out of your pad, and you have to start again.
Wow, I thought that was going to be a lot more threatening.
SEMI-THREATENINGLY: I will rip the sheet out of your pad!
LAUGHTER Can I ask a question?Yes.
How many steps is it across to the box?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Good luck, everyone.
Here comes question one.
Who is older, Andy Murray or Jamie Murray?
Lewis. That's Martin Lewis.
Jamie Murray. Is correct.
Andy Murray - oh. So, you can come up, Martin.
LAUGHTER
One, two, three, four, five, six.
LAUGHTER
OK, his eyes are ready. WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, back you go. Next question, please, Greg.
Who is older, Andy Murray OR Colin Murray?
Fry!
Colin Murray.
Correct, by ten years - up you go.
OK, she's having a look.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Who is taller, Andy Murray or Billy Murray?
Blatt!
Andy Murray.
Is correct, have a look. Is correct. By one inch!
Have a look, and here we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Mm!
Who is taller, Bill Nighy or Bill Bailey?
James! Hello!
Bill...Nighy.
It's correct.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Who is older, Bill Bailey or Bill Gates?
Blatt! Gates.
Is correct, she can have another peek.
CHEERING
We want as detailed a picture as possible.
She's looking. WHISTLE BLOWS
Hmm. I'm intrigued that Sue's going to so much detail on her picture,
given that she literally hasn't got a clue what's on there.
I'm drawing you instead. Aww!
LAUGHTER Well, carry on.
Who is older, Gareth Gates or Gareth Southgate?
Fry! Lewis!
It's gone to Fry - Fry? Southgate.
Is correct. Correct. You can have a look. Yay.
Sue, still drawing.
LAUGHTER WHISTLE BLOWS
Who is taller,
Gareth Southgate or Gareth Bale?
James! Gareth Southgate.
Is wrong, we must start again.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
Oh, that's cruel. That is cruel.
Who's taller, Christian Bale or Christian Slater?
Blatt! That's Mel Blatt.
LAUGHTER
Er, Bale.
It is Bale. Come and have a peek. Is correct!
How many looks do you need?
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS Get those details.Oh!
Oh, she's seen something.
Who is taller, Kat Slater or Judy Murray?
Blatt!Oh... LAUGHTER
Kat Slater.
Incorrect, I have to... THEY SHOUT
CHEERING
I'll have to wrench it away from you, I'm so sorry. Ahh!
It was inevitable. This is such a good picture.
There's only two left. Good luck. Oh, mate!
Miss Johnston, if you want to get in amongst this.
That's my name, yes. I know. OK.
Who is taller, Kat Slater or Judy Murray?
Fry! Johnston!
LAUGHTER That's Fry.
I'm really sorry, but Judy Murray.
Is correct. Is correct.
I wasn't paying attention.
Oh... We're getting to the end.
Little stare. Lovely. WHISTLE BLOWS
Who is older, Judy Murray or Andy Murray?
Johnston! It's Johnston!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But...she hasn't yet got it right.
She might have to start again. Judy Murray!
Is correct!Is correct! CHEERING
It's good! It's good.
That was the final question.
The light will go on, then you've got 20 seconds to draw your picture.
WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, bloody hell.
LAUGHTER
Get drawing, the clock is counting down.
SHE GROANS
I'd rather draw Greg. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up, please put your pens in your pots!
Thank you, everybody. APPLAUSE
So, Greg, would you like to see what's inside the box?
I'll tell you what I'd like - I'd like you to open the box!
DRAMATIC MUSIC STINGS
AUDIENCE OOHS APPLAUSE
It's Melanie, everybody!
Well done, Melanie. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come down here, we'll discuss it and give out some points!
We're back. We're back. Do you want to see the pictures
and the contents of the box, and you can judge them? Big time!
Greg, what was in the box was this.
Ooh. Yeah, so there's a lot going on. There is.
And the pictures look like this, there we go.
So, what was the most accurate?
And, I guess, what was the least-accurate picture, Greg?
As much as I don't want this to be the case,
probably Sue should come last on this occasion.
Right, 1 point to Sue Johnston. Yeah.
AUDIENCE PROTESTS
Melanie, you had quite a lot of glances, and then,
it was cruelly ripped up and started again.
And I think maybe, you panicked at that point?
But look at the tats, got all the tats in. The goggles.
And you've got her body exactly like a leek.
LAUGHTER Exactly the same, hello!
So, it's 2 points to Mel. Yeah.
Now, Martin, I'd argue that... is quite a beefy man.
LAUGHTER
I'll accept that. He is topless.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES There is a chicken.
We're saying 1, 2, 3, Sue, Mel, and Martin...
That's what I'm saying. ..points-wise, so it's the 4 and 5.
So, it's between these two, it's just who's the best?
Hannah did this.
LAUGHTER
It's a woman. Yeah. There's tats.
There's a ghoulish, blank face,
and deep, hollow black eyes.
OK, and David did this.
AUDIENCE OOHS Wow!
What's the thing in the sky, David?
In my - the peripheral vision, I was sort of focusing in
the middle, there was something there,
and I couldn't work out whether it was a disco ball... Sure.
..and by the looks of that...
Well, in the trade, it's known as a hallucination, David.
LAUGHTER
In the picture, it turns out to be a chicken.
And that chicken's lucky I didn't grab it and smash it on the table.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
I mean, instinctively, I say that David's is the most accurate
portrayal of the person who was through there, clearly.
Hannah, 4 points, David James takes it with 5 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Would you like to find out who's won the actual show, Greg?
I want that more than I want anything.
In last place, with 12 points,
it's Mel Blatt.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One point ahead, we've got David James with 13 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Martin Lewis in third, with 14 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She got 16 points, in second place,
it's Hannah Fry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the winner got 19 points, Greg.
Sue Johnston... CHEERING
..is the winner of our New Year's Treat!
Please pop up to the stage,
and then, raise the Eyebrows,
The Golden Eyebrows!
CHEERING Happy New Year, everyone!
See you for another series soon, but for now, please applaud
this year's last big winner,
Sue Johnston! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media