*
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021
(DING!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well, kia ora koutou. Welcome friends and whanau and also other people
to the seventh episode of the second series of Taskmaster New Zealand.
My name is Jeremy Wells,
and for all intents and purposes of this particular show, I am the Taskmaster.
For many months, I have been giving five renowned entertainers the chance to entertainme
by performing a series of elaborate tasks. Tonight I decide who is the best at doing them,
and then once it's all over in three short weeks, we crown our season two champion.
Our contestants, as they are every week, David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And by my side, the man who holds an iPad like the Statue of Liberty holds her torch.
(LAUGHTER) It's Paul Anthony Alan Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I... I feel a little weird this week, Jeremy. I've got a bad case of imposter syndrome.
I think it all began when I forged those documents
and moved to New Zealand and assumed the identity of Paul Williams. (LAUGHTER)
- When did that happen? - Like, the late '90s, yeah. I was very young.
Look, don't make me feel bad about it. I've got imposter syndrome. (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, I would very much like you to introduce the first prize task, please.
- OK. This week, our contestants have brought along the biggest bargain.
And whoever has brought in the biggest bargain will get five points.
Whoever has the most points at the end of the episode will take home all five big bargains.
- Let's start with Guy Montgomery. - I came across a bottle opener, and it was a steal at only $120.
(LAUGHTER)
Obviously, that sounds like quite a lot for a bottle opener, but I've seen them go for as much as 130.
(LAUGHTER)
- And does it open bottles? - Not brilliantly. (LAUGHTER)
I think because the soul of the person who's trapped in the bottle opener hates his job somuch.
(LAUGHTER)
- Laura, what did you bring in?
- I took NZ$20, and in exchange, I bought $50 billion Zimbabwean.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
Whoever is holding on to this beautiful note is going to be an instant billionaire.
- It's worth about 32c. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's up next? Urzila. - Yes. I can't go into too much detail.
Let's just say I had access to where they would make the Briscoes staff cards,
and I, uh, made one. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) - Wow.
- This is the Briscoes lady's card. - So, is that a discount on the discount?
- Yes, so you get, say, the 50% discount, but with the Briscoes lady's card,
by the time you get to the checkout, they're giving you some dollars. (LAUGHTER)
You don't even pay. They're giving you the products and just bags and bags of dollars
and send you on your way. (LAUGHTER)
- David. - (EXHALES) So, what I've got is $50 for 50c.
(LAUGHTER)
If you win, pay me 50c ― I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Mate, if you win, we just get $50, and you take the label off, cos who's gonna sell $50 for50c?
- Oh, fuck. (LAUGHTER)
- Matt, what did you bring in?
- A lot of people won't know this, but in 2004, I was in a band called Deja Voodoo,
and we released a top 20 album called 'Brown Sabbath'. - (GASPS)
- It was a huge success. (LAUGHTER)
In 2006, we followed that up with another top 20 album called 'Back in Brown'.
In 2008, we followed it up with an album that no one bought,
and here's 200 copies of that. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
It's called 'The Shape of Grunge to Come', and it turns out if your album doesn't sell verywell,
one day, a courier turns up with hundreds and hundreds of copies.
That's just 200 of them. I've got about 2000 of them in my attic. - URZILA: Wow.
- We do have some exclusive audio from the album. Would you like to hear that?
- Oh, fantastic. - LAURA: Yes. - OK.
(GRUNGY, RASPY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - # Found me asleep in front of the TV again.
# Fuck the neighbours; we don't care.
# Give us our TV and beer... #
- Can't see why it didn't sell (!) - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- It's not a failure to everyone, to be fair, cos I once met a painter.
He was a huge fan of Deja Voodoo, and I said, 'Oh, what did you like particularly?'
And he said, 'My favourite album was "The Shape of Grunge to Come",
and I said, 'You're the first person I've ever met that's ever said that.'
And then he said, 'Yeah, it got stuck in my CD player in my car,
'and it was all I could listen to for six years.' (LAUGHTER)
He said, 'I grew to love it.' - That's what it takes.
- Yeah, Stockholm Syndrome. - URZILA: Yeah! (LAUGHS) - It's a grower.
- It's probably time to score.
I think that Guy, clearly, your bottle opener is― - What?
- Well, you paid 100-and-whatever- you-paid for it, so...
- Some of those were up to $130, $140. (LAUGHTER)
- One point.
Matt, I think even giving away those albums is a terrible thing, so I reckon you get two points.
- Yeah, in a way, you'd be helping me out. It's kind of like putting out the rubbish.
(LAUGHTER)
- David, I'll give you three points. I thought you could be more generous.
I mean, you could've given 10c for, say, $100.
- Oh, yeah, cos I don't have $100! (LAUGHTER)
- Four points for Urzila with her Briscoes card. A bargain on bargains.
- That was good. - Yeah.
- And that leaves Laura with five points, cos I reckon that Zimbabwean economy ―
I hear rumours that it's gonna bounce back real soon. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Now for the biggest bargain of them all ― an episode full of tasks on free-to-air television.
Would you like to watch one? - I would love to.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hello, Paul. - Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul.
- (GASPS)
- Ooh!
Sexy.
- Little man.
- Me or him? - Him. - Him. OK.
- Wedding!
- Congrats.
- All right. Exciting.
- Oh!
- Ooh. (READS) 'Construct the least appropriate wedding cake.'
- 'You have 45 minutes. Your time starts now.'
- I have nothing.
- I'm not a big fan of thinking too much. - OK.
- It kinda starts to hurt.
- Can I get some sponge cake? - There might be some in the kitchen.
- OK, cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Wedding cakes, they often take days. Did you know that? - No.
- Mm. - Well, you've got 43 minutes. - Shit. OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - MATT: Oh, this one.
- What would you consider an inappropriate wedding cake, Paul?
- Red velvet. (LAUGHTER)
Every other cake flavour, you know what that is.
Chocolate ― I've eaten that before. - Yeah.
- Red velvet ― you've taken a colour and a fabric. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's up first? - Here's the classic pairing of Matt and Urzila.
- It is pretty inappropriate if you can't eat the cake.
So, like, a layer of soap, then mud, soap, mud, this.
- So it balances out. - Yeah.
- Forgot the red food colouring.
- Do you want me to go get it? - Could you be a doll?
- OK. - Thank you.
I probably won't even need the other food colouring, but how good is it not to have Paul inthe room?
Just have a little bit of a breather. You know?
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, that stinks.
That's good mud.
Oh, it's really... (LAUGHS)
You... Are you positive that that's not... a sewage duct down there or...?
(LAUGHTER)
- (EXHALES)
It might be sewage. - Yeah.
If you're tasked with making a cake for someone's wedding,
and you turn up with two buckets of sewage and some cardboard,
(CHUCKLES) then it's pretty inappropriate.
- So, do you have a plan here? - I sure do.
Can you not see it yet? - Not yet.
- What comes after you get married, Paul? - Honeymoon.
- What does the honeymoon cause? - Arguments.
- Yes. And then?
Children. - Oh.
- For the longest time in your life, you just clean up yourself.
Then what I noticed when I had kids is I was spending a lot of time cleaning them up.
- Right.
- What does marriage lead to?
LAUGHS: This kinda shit right here. That's what it leads to.
- I present to you inappropriate cake.
You've got a ring of shit ― basically like a toilet bowl.
And then you've got the solid 'hey, I don't have a lot of fibre, but when I do, I havea lotof fibre.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Poos. The red on it is just the pressure as comes through, rippin' and tearing.
- OK. Thank you, Urzila.
- Well, do you want the explanation or not? - Uh, that's enough explanation.
Thank you, Matt. - Thank you, Paul.
- You get an ointment that you can just, like― - Yep. OK.
- You get right in there, then it can be solved, like, within a day or two.
If you have short fingers, you have to ask your neighbour. - Thank you, Urzila.
- Cos I've got really short fingers, but my neighbour Gary, he can get in there. Whoo!
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There's not much that brings me more joy than Urzila, your advances on Paul,
and then Paul being disgusted by you.
There's some real romance developing between you two, isn't there?
- Yeah. You can see he tries to fight it,
and then when he starts to embrace it, then I'm repulsed by him, and then― It's very 'Days ofOur Lives'.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
- Matt, what did you mean with the toilet rolls?
The toilet rolls represented how you'd have to wipe your baby's bottom―?
- I named the cake 'The Truth', because there's all this great day on your wedding,
but that leads to children, which lead to, basically, a lot of shit and a lot of wiping arses.
- Plenty more wedding cakes to come right after a nice big slice of advertising.
We'll see you in a jiffy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back one and all to Taskmaster. In true Shortland Street fashion,
we were having a special wedding episode, then we left you on a cliffhanger.
Paul, give them a 'previous on'.
- We've asked our contestants to make the most inappropriate wedding cake in 45 minutes.
Urzila made sewage out of a cake, and Matt make cake out of sewage. (LAUGHTER)
- Right. Who are we watching next? - It's the three friends, Laura, Guy and David.
- I'm going to make this cake inedible and terrible.
- What's the jam for? - Just taste. I don't want the cake to be a complete piece of shit.
- Right. - Yeah. I've still got pride.
- Any guesses? - Tree?
- Could be a tree.
- Have you seen a brown wedding cake? - Not at any weddings I've been to.
- You ever had one with full umami flavour? (SMACKS LIPS) Ooh, savoury. Well...
This doesn't seem appropriate, does it?
(SQUELCHING)
(LAUGHTER)
(AIR HISSES)
- Aah!
- Sorry.
- # Cream party!
# Cos we're creaming it tonight.
# Creaming it tonight.
# We're gonna have a big cream party. #
- Any guesses?
(LAUGHTER)
- A tall person on a bike. - Sweet Paul.
- I had an idea... - OK.
- ...about how to make this cake really inappropriate. - OK.
- Have you seen American Pie?
(LAUGHTER)
- No.
- How would you feel if...
we turned all the cameras off, and you American Pie'd the cake?
(LAUGHTER)
- I don't know what that means. I think I can guess.
And I'm not that keen.
(LAUGHTER)
- Any takers from the cameramen? - Don't ask them.
- OK. - Cos one of themwilldo it.
(LAUGHTER)
So, what's this hole? - Chilli.
- It's kind of a lava cake. - Yeah, in a way.
- READS: Sorry. - Yeah.
Our groom has left the bride at the altar.
He ran off with her maid of honour, and he's left her this cake.
And he said sorry, which is polite, but it's inappropriate, because this cake is covered in what, Paul?
- Cream?
- She's lactose intolerant.
(LAUGHTER)
- What does the cake say?
- (CHUCKLES)
It says, 'I fucked your dad.'
(LAUGHTER)
That'd be a devastating cake to see on your wedding day,
especially if you didn't suspect anything. You'd be absolutely blindsided.
You don't cut the cake till after the ceremony's done. They're bound by law.
- What's it say? - Syphilis. (LAUGHS)
- Why's it say 'syphilis'? - Cos I wouldn't wanna see the word 'syphilis' at my wedding.
(LAUGHTER)
- Remember that movie we were talking about? The cake, I don't want it to go to waste.
- OK.
- I'm just gonna leave the room. I'm gonna leave the room, cameraman. I'm gonna turn the lights off.
- (SLURPS)
Finished. - Want me to stop the clock? - No, sorry, I was quoting your dad.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think I caused more damage than I did good.
- On.
- I didn't move.
I stood here the whole time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. I think I know an American Pie-ing when I see one.
- You've got a thick dick, Paul. (LAUGHTER)
There was some circumference on there, bro.
- How did it taste?
- Genuinely the most delicious of the cakes by far was Laura. Obviously, I ate around the hole.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's talk about David's cake, which was filled with soy sauce and an entire jar of chillipowder.
- Yeah, so your cake ― was that a reveal cake? Like a, 'Hey, I've got syphilis.'
- Yeah. And I also wanted to confuse people because they're like, 'Ooh, this is a nice Asian meal.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Guy, with your cake, what did it say exactly? - 'I fucked your dad'.
- In Palmerston North, you call that completing the set. - URZILA: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Jeremy, how do we wanna score this?
- I wanna give Urzila the least points only because I had anal fissure once, and that tookme back.
So I'm gonna give you two points, only cos that was a bad memory.
Laura, Guy and David all deserve three points.
And I think Matt with that horrific cake with the toilet paper
and what may have been faecal matter and actual sewage.
- I think we can pretty much say it was faecal matter.
- Legally, it's not. - Yeah, legally, it's not. (LAUGHTER)
- I think you deserve the five points, so congratulations. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
How are we going so far for this particular episode?
- It's close, but out in front with eight points, Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- I'm ready for another task, Paul. Where are we headed to next?
- We are headed to the caravan.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Laura. - Hello, Paul.
- My, my, my, what a lovely day for it.
- Do I go in there? - Yes, please. - All right.
- Right.
- (EXHALES)
(PANTS)
- Ooh.
Shut me in.
- CHUCKLES: I don't like that. I don't like that at all.
- A lock-in?
READS: 'Eat the grape.'
- 'You cannot damage the caravan.'
- 'Fastest wins. Your time starts now.'
- (GASPS)
The grape!
I'm locked in here, aren't I?
- Oh no!
- Why did you shut that door? Oh!
You locked me in. - Yes.
- That's really nasty, man. - Sorry.
- Is the grape definitely in the caravan?
- Where's the grape?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I didn't know where the grape was. - LAUGHS: I didn't know where the grape was either!
- All right, Paul, everybody is locked inside of the caravan. Let's say some people try and do it, eh?
- These two famously hate other. It's Guy and Laura.
(LAUGHTER)
- Clues.
There's clues.
- The grape must be in here.
- Oh. There's a code.
- Padlocks abound.
- Not in there.
(JINGLING) Money!
(CLATTERING) - Am I gonna have to use my fucking wits for this? I hate that!
- $9.90.
- What the...? Do I have to guess the code on this padlock?
Oh, there's the grape.
- Oh!
It's outside on big balloons, baby.
(DAVID GROANS LOUDLY)
- # Where can the clues be?
# Oh, where can the keys be?
# I'm Guy Montgomery.
# I'm losing my mind. #
- (LAUGHS)
Got the keys. I got the keys. I got the keys.
- What's your birthday? - The 7th of August 1992.
- What's Jeremy's birthday? - The 7th of June 1977.
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
- Sorry to those books.
- Wow!
A mini task!
- I like it when things are little.
- Oh my God. This is like doing an escape room.
- READS: 'You're doing great.'
- 'Ask Paul for a clue.'
Can I have a clue, Paul? - Colder.
- Oh.
The fridge.
(GASPS) Oh my God!
Wow!
- Incredible.
- A thermos...
of hot water!
Wow!
Melt, baby, melt.
(DAVID GROANS LOUDLY)
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God. Oh my God.
Boy, I'm street-smart. Oh my God. A burner phone.
- ON PHONE: Hello. You've reached Paul's Key Emporium.
I'm actually out of town right now on a work call, but that's not gonna stop our crazy keysale.
House keys, car keys, caravan padlock keys.
- (GASPS) - You name it ― all just $10.
- I can buy a key.
I can buy a key! I can buy a key!
Paul. - Yes.
- Can I buy a key? - I sell keys, yeah.
- I've only got 9.90, though. - They cost $10.
- Usually, stuff always falls down between the couch.
Ahh!
Wa-hoo!
- DAVID: No!
No! No!
- I got $10.
- One key, please.
Come on, come on, come on, come on. People's lives are at stake here.
Ah. Ahh! (SQUEALS)
(EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I feel like the hamster that got the grape.
- Is that a saying?
- You absolute fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- You genuinely seemed to love that, Laura.
- Honestly, I'd pay to do that. (LAUGHTER)
- You would be the perfect hostage. 'You can't leave. You're locked in here.' 'Yes!'
(LAUGHTER)
- It's a big puzzle! - Yeah. I mean, that was impressi―
How quick was Laura? - Guy ― 32 minutes and one second.
But Laura, she nearly halved that ― 16 minutes and six seconds. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Good job. That was incredible.
- We're gonna lock our studio audience in this large, air-conditioned studio
while we take a quick break. We'll see you for more grape escapes very shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five comedians are locked in a battle to take home a cash prize of $50 billion
from Zimbabwe. (LAUGHTER)
Paul Williams, just what in the world is happening right now?
- Right now, the task is to eat a grape,
but the grape is outside the caravan, and they are inside the caravan.
- Whose efforts are we gonna watch next, Paul?
- We love to pair these two together. They are, after all, real-life best friends.
Here's Urzila Carlson and Matt Heath.
- Now, where would someone put a grape?
(JINGLING)
There's nothing in this pig.
- WHISPERS: Taking the money. Not my fault they leave money with a South African.
- Have you got any clues, Paul? - About what? - Where the grape is.
- It's just on the plate. - On the plate? - Yeah.
- What plate?
- Ooh, more money.
- The grape is on the plate.
The grape is on the plate.
- There's a lock thing on here. - OK.
- What's the code? - I'm― I'm not supposed to tell you.
- Oh!
It's been out there all along. - Yes.
- I really haven't understood this, have I?
- Can I bribe ya? - Just for a code? - Yeah.
- OK. - OK.
(CLUNK!) - Ow!
What's 'grape' in numbers?
- 10 bucks. What's the code? - 1977.
- I'm feeling humiliated here.
- Why did it take you so long to see the grape?
- Cos I wasn't looking out the window. - Right.
(LAUGHTER)
- Ah!
- Oh!
I didn't learn from my first lesson of not looking out windows, did I? - No.
- Yes! I'm in the cupboard, Paul. Keys!
I'm in the fridge, Paul.
- I found an ice block with a screwdriver in it.
- I feel like I'm making progress here.
- ON PHONE: Hello.
- What am I supposed to open with?
Oh, yes.
- 10 bucks.
- This is $9.90. - Oh man. That's rough.
Where would 10c be?
- I already gave you the 10 bucks. Give me the bloody key.
- You gave me $10 for a four-digit code.
- You bastard.
- Come on, 10c.
(LAUGHTER)
- Do you take credit? - I take credit.
That's yours. - Thank you.
- I've looked down the back of this couch about 20 times and found no...
Goddammit.
- OK.
- Oh my God.
Oh my... Oh my God.
(LAUGHS) Goddammit.
Have I finished? - Finished what?
- Oh, I've gotta eat the grape!
(LAUGHTER)
- I've stopped the clock.
- That was rough, Paul. That was rough.
- Thank you, Matt. - Thanks, Paul.
- Well done. Well done. You did it in the end.
It must have been a reasonably frustrating experience.
- That was a nightmare, actually. That was one of the worse... five hours of my life.
- (LAUGHS LOUDLY) (LAUGHTER)
- Why are you laughing? - I didn't spend five hours in there.
I just bought my way out of it. (LAUGHTER)
- I didn't know 10c were that colour. I thought they were silver. (LAUGHTER)
- Someone's doing well for themselves. (LAUGHTER)
- Matt was actually― He wasn't going too bad until he needed the 10c.
To find the 10c, it took him 26 minutes. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- So, Urzila, she was 29.59, which puts her into second place.
- LAURA: Ooh, wow. - Wow. - And Matt was 47.54,
which is currently the longest anyone's taken to do any task this season.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) The record, yes.
- I feel like it would be rude not to notice that David's had his head in his hands
the entire time this conversation has been happening.
- So, 16 minutes and six seconds is the time to beat. Here's David Correos.
- Mm.
Why are you in here?
What's in this one? (CLATTERING)
Ooh. Ooh, what's that? What's that? Nothing.
Why is this hot?
- What are you trying? - Random numbers.
'Tesmasmat.'
- 'Ramtest'. - 'Ramtest'. Like a computer.
I assume the grape's outside, right? The grape's right there.
I only just noticed that that grape was there.
(LAUGHTER)
- Really seems like you've looked everywhere in there. - Yeah.
(THUD!) Shit!
Where would I find a code? Am I looking too small?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm supposed to stay in here, aren't I?
I'm supposed to stay in here.
There is no grape. There's no reason for me to get out of the caravan. I'm supposed to be in here.
The grape is somewhere in the caravan. That's a fake grape.
That's a fake grape that I'm not supposed to get.
It shouldn't be this hard. It's somewhere in front of me. - Just gotta think outside thebox.
- I can't think outside the box. I literally have to go by the rules you've given me.
Everyone in the studio's gonna be like, '(TITTERS) He's so stupid. David's so stupid.'
- You're back to pulling books through that little gap? - Yeah.
- Oh! - (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE)
Paul, can I have a clue? - Colder.
- Oh! I was supposed to use the hot water, wasn't I?
Paul, is that your key company? - I sell keys.
- I got 10 bucks. You actually suck. (LAUGHS)
Fuck! Where's the―? (GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
9.90. - They're $10, sorry.
- No! Where's the 10c?
Where's the―? No!
I have internet banking.
Get me my phone. Get me my phone. If you give me a bank number, I will transfer you the money.
- OK. - Please?
Here's this. - You'll transfer me the 10c?
- I'll transfer you the 10c. Give me your bank details, and I'll give it to you.
I was gonna bring 20 bucks today to buy pie!
(LAUGHTER)
This is so frustrating!
Pass me the phone. What's your bank details?
Come on. Load, Kiwibank. Come on.
OK, here we go. Have a check now. - It's there. - (STRAINS)
- Pleasure doing business with you.
- (GROWLS IN EXASPERATION)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- 16 minutes and six seconds was the time to beat.
It took David 19 minutes to spot the grape. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
- David's overall time was one hour and 23 minutes. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- MATT: Poor bastard. - LAURA: I'm so sorry.
- It's an incredibly cruel irony that David wasn't allowed to damage the caravan,
but it seems the caravan has permanently damaged you. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- What are the final scored? - Sadly, one point for David, two points for Matt,...
- Yes! - ...three points for Guy, four points for Urzila,
and, of course, five points for Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Great job, Laura.
- Shall we do another task? - Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.
Put the kettle on, because it's tea time, and the 'T' stands for 'task'.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- SING-SONGY: What have you got planned?
- Oh, gidday, Paul. - Hello, Matt.
- Good, thanks, mate. - I didn't ask.
- What?
- How are you? - Good, thank you.
- Fairly precarious. - Yep.
- What's the tea? - What's the tea?
- It's, like, a phrase we use.
- All right. Here we go. (CLEARS THROAT)
- READS: 'Make the most extreme cup of tea...'
- '...and serve it to Paul.'
- 'You have 30 minutes to prepare your tea.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Why is everything extreme, Paul? What's wrong with just a normal cup of bloody tea?
- It's a bit boring.
- What's extreme? - It's up to you.
- We don't have a bungee here or anything.
- If you're worried for my safety, would you consider that extreme? - Probably.
- I'm gonna need about 40 chillies and a gumboot.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Lots of definitions of extreme being bandied about there, Paul. How would you make an extreme tea?
- Maybe instead of six sugars, I'd only have five. (LAUGHTER)
- Let's be glad you're not a contestant, Paul,
and let's watch some extreme teas right after this extremely short break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's the fourth part of the seventh episode of the second series,
and a box of unsold Deja Voodoo albums is at stake. Right now, we're making extreme teas.
Is that right, Paul? - That is correct. Up first, it's Urzila Carlson.
- Do you want a snack with your tea too or just the...? - A snack would be nice.
- This is gonna be good.
In a pandemic, you want something that'll really blow the cold right out of you,
so it's important to...
go hot.
Oh!
That's gonna blow your ring right out.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! Stop it.
Who am I? This is great.
Paul. - Yes.
- Go sit.
Gidday, Paul. - Hello.
- Now, I know...
what it's like to mess on yourself, so there you go.
Oh, look at that beautiful colour.
(LAUGHTER)
- (SLURPS)
- How's that? - Very hot.
- Yeah? - Mm.
- Can you feel the flu in you? - No.
- It works. - I-I couldn't feel the flu in me before drinking it, though, as well.
(GURGLES) - Is that your...
- I don't know what that was. Yeah. - ...actual throat burning out? (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SNORTS)
I'm worried for you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Where did that noise come from exactly? It seemed to come from the oesophagus region.
- It came from deep down. I don't know. (LAUGHTER)
- It was your asshole preparing. (LAUGHTER)
Your asshole was stacking ice. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's serving up our next cup of tea?
- We've got two teas ― one from David, and one from Matt, spelt with two T's.
- Got any ideas? - Mm-mm.
- OK. Can I―? Can I grab this?
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. OK. Where do I go to get rope?
- There's a lot of pressure on me to do something less shit than some of the other stuff I've been doing.
You know what I mean? - Right.
- You feel that as well? - Uh... I won't comment on that. - Right.
- This is extreme, eh?
- Yeah.
- I got nothing.
- What's the plan? - Tie this rope around my ankles, and then hang from there like abat
and make you a tea hanging like a bat.
- I just can't get bungee jumping out of my head. - Yeah, right.
- Would I be bungee jumping or you be bungee jumping? - I assumed the teabag, but...
- Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, yeah, that's strong, eh? That's strong. You're strong.
- You know when you have an idea that's just so bad
that you know before you start it that it's a waste of everyone's time?
(LAUGHTER)
- Not really. - No. You probably don't. I experience it a lot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thanks, bro. You're doing a good job, bro.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Hi, Paul. Would you like a cup of tea?
- Uh, ye-yes, please, David.
(LAUGHTER)
- Here's a cup of tea, mate.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thanks, David. - Enjoy.
- Thank you. - Have a good one.
Ooh, that was tough.
- Three, two, one.
Bungee.
(LAUGHTER)
Shit.
Bungee!
Goddammit!
WHISPERS: Shit.
Three, two one.
Bungee!
There you go, mate. There's a cup of tea for you over there.
How's it? - It's not bad.
- Can we cut it so, um, it just goes straight in the first time I drop it?
- Yup.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, if that bungee operation was actually real, you would have some real problems with OSH.
It was more like sort of a teabag on a rope... - Yeah.
- ...being dropped off a balcony rather than a bungee. There was no bounce in it.
- Well, that was Paul's idea. - Don't blame me for this. (LAUGHTER)
- You don't have to do Paul's ideas. - Yeah, but I didn't have any of my own.
(LAUGHTER)
- David, your idea was actually less about bungeeing even though you looked like you were gonna bungee.
You were a tea bat.
- A tea bat! - I felt like a prize tuna. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Have you got more tea on the way, Paul?
- Here's some X Games-worthy teas from Laura and Guy.
- What's your favourite type of tea? - Iced peach.
- Oh, OK.
- I'm gonna make something that's extremely sweet... for a start.
- We could go with a spicy tea. So it's gonna be hot and cold ― the two extremes.
- So, these are the constituent parts for a cup of tea.
Could you please carry this stool for me? - OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Maybe just blend some ice. That could be good, eh? (BLENDER WHIRRS)
That's not really working.
- You got 22 minutes and 12 seconds. - Thanks, Paul. You've got...
a place in my heart.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm buildin' somethin' here.
- Extreme delivery. OK, I'm gonna need you to go outside to the shed. There's a bike outthere.
I need you to put a helmet on. I need you to ride the bike down to just below this deck here.
- OK.
We pick up the piping hot kettle, on the move, always moving.
- Go, Paul. Go, go, go.
Did any get in the cup? - A lot went on my arm.
- Around the trampoline, on to the gravel. Off-roading.
Back on to the tarmac, into the 'do not enter' zone.
Slowing down but still moving.
Water in the teapot.
- OK, try another pass. Yeah, I'll pour a steady stream.
You go for it. Oh! Oh!
Come back again.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, Paul, this time, pause where that puddle is.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
- Oh no.
There's a huge amount of candy in there,
which is acting as some sort of barrier for the liquid to get out of the spout.
- All right. Giz it a sip.
- Should I be biking or stationary? - Biking, please. - OK.
- I'm gonna need you to jog alongside me.
Go, go, go. Let's start jogging. Start jogging.
Try not to spill it.
- That taste good? - It's not bad.
- Really proud of you, buddy. You're doing great.
When we arrive at the table, you splinter right, I pull left. - OK.
It's extremely nice.
- Extreme. - Thank you, Laura.
- Stop running.
And now I'm outta here...
into the sunset.
See you later, dude. - Thank you, Guy. - Happy trails.
- It's not great.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- The running alongside, the tea looked quite impressive, but the tea itself looked horrific.
It looked like diarrhoea. - An extremely bad cup of tea.
- Ah! (LAUGHTER)
Laura, there was a lot of waterfall action with your tea. - Yes, extremely nice.
- It was― Like her cake, it was delicious.
- Did you fuck the tea? (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I don't like this episode. - No. (LAUGHTER)
- You seemed to have a pretty good time when you were standing outside that caravan, you prick.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- OK, should we score it? - Yes.
- I mean, everyone's tea was reasonably extreme,
but I thought the bike-riding teas were the least extreme, to be honest.
I wanna give you guys two points each.
Next, Matt's bungee tea was probably the next lame.
- What? Hang on a minute. The whole of our economy's based on bungee jumping.
- Urz's tea I thought was extreme in its taste, and it made what noise, Paul?
- It was kind of like... (IMITATES GURGLING) (LAUGHTER)
- Which is quite extreme in flavour, so I reckon four points for you, Urzila.
- Thank you. - And, David, your bat tea
with the four production staff holding you up, I thought was pretty impressive.
Five points for you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LAURA: Well deserved.
- That is the end of part four. We'll be back with the thrilling conclusion to the episode
and another wonderful live task straight after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Very, very soon, we will know who is taking home a Briscoes discount card.
But first, how's our scoreboard looking, Paul Williams?
- In the lead with 15 points, it's Laura Daniel.
- Yee! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, everyone, let's jump right into our live task. Let's go to the stage.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
You know things have got serious when I leave my throne and join you on the stage, Paul.
- Yes, it's rare to see you up here, but welcome.
- Thanks very much. Do you wanna hand the task to one of the contestants?
- Laura Daniel, will you please read this task? - I would love to.
READS: 'Survive lemonade roulette.
'The Taskmaster will vigorously shake one bottle of lemonade.
'You must then open one of the two bottles within five seconds.
'If you open the bottle that has been shook, you will be eliminated.
'You may ask the Taskmaster one question before each vigorous shake.
'You will get one point for every bottle you survive.'
- There is limitless points to be won in this challenge.
- MATT: Wow. - Really? Will you answer truthfully?
- Maybe. (LAUGHTER)
- Just seems like if we're the one's opening the bottle, the jacket's kinda wasted on Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Laura's gonna start. Your question.
- Jeremy, which bottle are you going to shake ― the red one or the blue one?
- The blue one.
- Laura, please turn around.
Laura, please turn back around.
Five, four,
three, two... (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) Condolences.
- MATT: Have you got a towel? - Urzila, your question.
- Taskmaster, will you be shaking with your wank hand? (LAUGHTER)
- Yes. (LAUGHTER)
- Urzila, please turn around. Five, four, three, two...
- Oh. (LAUGHTER)
- Condolences, Urzila. - Quite happy with myself so far. (LAUGHTER)
- He's got a strong wank arm, guys. (LAUGHTER)
- Matt Heath.
- Taskmaster, is there anything sexual happening between you and Hilary Barry?
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Maybe. (LAUGHTER)
- Please turn around.
Five, four,
three... (LAUGHTER)
Please take a seat. - It's horrific.
- David, your question.
- Which one are you gonna shake? - That one.
- David, please turn around.
Five, four... (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So far, 100% fail rate. (LAUGHTER)
- It actually looks quite hard. (LAUGHTER)
- Your question. - Can I please borrow your jacket? - No.
(LAUGHTER)
- Please turn around, Guy.
Five, four,
three... (AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS)
Unbelievable. (APPLAUSE)
100% fail rate.
- Let's go down and... do the scoring? (LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Let's have a look at how everyone scored in that remarkable task. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, we've got zero points for Laura, zero points for Urzila, zero points for Matt,
zero points for David, and zero points for Guy Montgomery. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Paul, how has that affected the overall episode scores? - Very little effect.
The winner with 15 points ― Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well done, Laura. You now get to drown yourself in bargains like the cheapskate that youare.
Get up there and enjoy your undervalued haul. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It's certainly been a night we'll never forget.
We enjoyed cake and tea filled with sewage and Froot Loops respectively.
We watched a caravan practically fill with sweat.
And, most importantly, we have a deserving winner in Laura Daniel.
Congratulate her one more time, why don't you? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I'll see the rest of you next week time. Nigh-night.
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
As you travel on God's journey...
- On my signal!
- LAURA: Go! (ENGINE REVS)
- ...whatever you choose to be...
- Kidding.
- ...is beautiful.
- I am watering up over here.
- You may be the judge of this, but Judgement Day is coming for all of us.
(LAUGHTER)