Episode 1: It’s a miracle!

Episode synopsis

In this season premiere, the contestants must bring in the most despair-inducing thing, move a beach ball through a course using only water, write and perform a cliff-hanger scene, get water into a vase, strike a bullseye with some paint, complete a series of tasks as a team, and then find and put on a medallion. The guest contestant in this episode is Isabela Valadeiro.

Title context

Isabela Valadeiro cries out “It’s a miracle!” while watching the science-based solution to the ‘Get all the water into the vase’ task.

Taskmaster Intro

At the end of season 4, people shouted “My god, what will become of our lives?!”. They quit their jobs in shock. The country came to a standstill. Companies went bankrupt. Gardens dried up, and the undergrowth took over. The streets were taken over by zombies. But now, everything makes sense again. The birds are singing, the sun is shining. All the incredibly hairy people, after months of neglect, have left their caves and now embrace life once again. Ladies and gentlemen, life is beautiful again. We’re back. This is Taskmaster!

Contestant Intros

She’s an influencer. She’s a commentator. She’s so proud of her bad temper, and there’s nothing cuter than subjecting a person with such a bad temper to a merry-go-round of tasks which, under normal conditions, she would never do. But she will. Give it up for Pipoca Mais Doce, Ana Garcia Martins!

Note: Pipoca is the author of the lifestyle blog, A Pipoca Mais Doce (‘The Sweetest Popcorn’), which is often cited as the most-read blog in Portugal. She is frequently addressed by the nickname ‘Pipoca’ (‘Popcorn’) instead of her given name Ana.

A Taskmaster veteran. Basically, he’s an explosive fusion of thoroughness, agility, and dozens of other bizarre things even he didn’t know he was capable of. He came from Angola and made his home in our hearts. The man known as Mr. Fila da Goda. Your love for Gilmário Vemba!

Note: ‘Fila da Goda’ is an Angolan expression meaning ‘son of a bitch’. It is also Gilmário’s Instagram handle.

Taskmaster royalty. An actress who has already left here with my head under her arm. I had to ask her to let go of it, because she was meant to take the gold one, but… she was trying to take my actual head. She went viral amid an ocean of shoes. “IS IT THIS ONE?!” It’s Gabriela Barros!

Note: Vasco is referring to Gabriela’s legendary attempt at the ‘Guess Shoe’ task in season 3, episode 5.

A comedian of so many faces and so much personality, all in one. Some days he’s Zeca Estacionâncio, other days he’s Bino. For us, he’s kind of a living cartoon. His name is Pedro Alves!

Note: ‘Zeca Estacionâncio’ is Pedro’s on-stage alter-ego character in a comedy duo with João Paulo Rodrigues (stage name ‘Quim Roscas’). The character was conceived for the ‘Curral Social’ comedy segment of the Portuguese morning show Praça da Alegria, and rose in popularity after the segment span off into an independent parody news show, called Telerural, which spawned international live shows, a book (Curral de Moinas em Busca da Cadela Perdida) and two movies (7 Pecados Rurais, Curral de Moinas – Os banqueiros do Povo). Albino ‘Bino’ Jesus is the character Pedro plays on the telenovela series Festa é Festa.

And our guest tonight: the tiny Isabela Valadeiro!

Note: Vasco is being ironic, since Isabela is actually quite tall, at 180cm / 5’10”.

Assistant Intro

Next to me, a man who talks, who laughs, who cries, who lives, who eats, who feels… A man who’s just confessed to me that, to be practical and not waste too much time in his daily routine with choices, he puts on five pairs of underpants on Mondays, one on top of the other, and at the end of each day, removes one layer. When I told him that meant he was always wearing the same pair of underwear, he said that the phone signal was getting weak, and that he couldn’t hear me properly. [Nuno: And it was the truth!] Nuno, we were having lunch together. [Nuno: Even then.] Ladies and gentlemen: Nuno Markl!

Taskmaster's Sign-off

Don’t touch your chin, don’t feel sorrow.
Don’t forget that your hands aren’t water.
Turn on the hose, don’t touch the ball, man.
You look so sexy with paint on your noggin.
When they shove a bucket on your head, or more,
Remember: those who smell the bed, don’t snore.
A candle and a glass tube might work; so, go on.
In Mexico, they all died, because of Trompetón.

Note: The way that Vasco says “they all died” (“morreram todos”) sounds like it’s referencing a viral meme from the news coverage of the OceanGate story, wherein José Rodrigues dos Santos, arguably the most famous Portuguese news anchor of all time, started the broadcast by very bluntly saying “Good evening. They all died.”